Question #5, dated 11-10-04 (Yeah, today's July 31, 2005, so Bert's late with this one!)Hey Bert I think your friend Cosmo McKinley is really cute. Anyway you could hook me up??? Love ya Bert chow. Sincerely, J.H.The All Knowing, All Seeing Bert Responds:Dear J.H. It is unfortunate that Cosmo McKinley won't allow himself to date anymore. Even though he has never expressed it verbally, it has long been speculated that he is, in fact, "hooked up" with his sister, Nation McKinley. This incestual relation is seen as "taboo", "forbidden" and shall we not forget "Against The Law" nearly everywhere these days. I'm sure, J.H., if you search, you will find another thin shaved-head gentleman who you will fall in love with. Thanks for the question!
Check out what answers other personalities of Bert supplied:
Question #4, dated 2-21-03:Dearest Bert, I think you are a hot pimp and I want your cute little self. I want to snuggle up against your polka-dot tie and playfully bite your neck. Would you like to go out sometime? Your admirer, Frankie.The All Knowing, All Seeing Bert Responds:Dear Frankie. At first I was disturbed at being referred to as a "hot pimp" but one of my "teenage" fans informed me that being a hot pimp is a "cool" thing...a compliment. It is a shame that I recently lost my polka-dot tie -- so your request to snuggle up against it cannot happen. Not that I could ever allow myself to give in to suggest a romantic suggestion! As a rule, I don't get romatically or intimately involved with fans. But I do thank you for the compliments. I am very flattered. Please keep up the letters.
Question #3, dated 3-03-02:I thought I would take a clue from you and I started wearing dark glasses and walking with a cane. I walked into my sister's best frend shower calling out for "Jaynet" but insted of getting a quick peek she freaked out and kicked me into the hallway. Whats your secret? BillThe All Knowing, All Seeing Bert Responds:Dear Bill -- For over two decades now, I have been trying to put that rumour to rest. You know the one: where I tried to peek in on Janet Majors as she showered. People have this crazy notion that I could see BEFORE the Faith Factory Show. (Damn those cameras floating around the corriders at the DTV studio. Damn!) In past interviews, I assured people that the only reason I removed the dark glasses was because they were hurting the bridge of my nose. But I don't think anyone believes me. Anyway, Fact or Fabrication, I should give you some strong advice: Don't do it. Period. I don't know the age differences, but if she's a minor and you're an adult, she could sue. Good luck, and please remember that I am no role model. I'm proud to know you look up to me so well, but there are better idols out there. Like that one guy--what's his name? Oh yeah, Robert Downy, Jr. Now there's a good man if you ask me.
Question #2, dated 6-14-01:Hi Bert, I have been going to Rocky Horror for three years now, but recently, my mother remarried. my step-father will not let me go anymore, but he let my three years younger step sister go to the other town midnight movie. I have tried every excuse and plee I can think of to get him to let me go back to all my friends at the theatre, but he says no. My mother is no help either. What should I do? Birdy.The All Knowing, All Seeing Bert Responds:Dear Birdy -- What a tough situation you got there! And it is one not easy to remedy. First of all, I suggest you show him everything will be fine by example. Explain to him that you have went for three years without any problems. Your mother can back you up. If this fails, suggest a bargain: If you get the chance to go back, you'll keep good grades in school, or you'll get a part time job -- or whatever leverage you can use. Then stick with it. I would not suggest using the "but your real daughter gets to go and she's younger" approach. It will only anger him more and seperate you further. You need him closer to you. As a matter of fact, this would be a good time for bonding. If all else fails, get him to like you more... The more he treats you with love and respect like his own daughter, the more he will treat you like one. Then, after that is accomplished you might be able to return. And good luck!
Question #1, dated 7-12-00:Dear Bert, I hope you can help me. I just moved into a large city, where a cast plays at a movie theater. Rocky Horror is SO cool. I want to act out as Frank because the cast's normal Frank broke his foot or something like that. Trouble is, my girlfriend hates Rocky Horror and doesn't want me to act out, particularly Frank! Rocky Horror is in my blood but I don't want to lose her either! What can I do? Sincerely, Torn Between Two Loves.The All Knowing, All Seeing Bert Responds:Dear TBTL -- Oh the pain, the pain. I wouldn't want to be in your situation, you guys! Would I customers? Well, perhaps she's never seen the movie with a cast before? Perhaps you might suggest she watch a nice cast act out the film, and who knows -- Maybe she'll want to act to? If this is not the solution for the two of you, I suggest you express to her how important this acting chance is and tell her a relationship can only survive on trust. She should respect your ambitions and trust your love for her.
Email your questions to Bert at firstname.lastname@example.org and your letter will be posted with Bert's amazing answer!