(Evil Bert [left] with a fan)
Hey Bert I think your friend Cosmo McKinley is really cute. Anyway you could hook me up??? Love ya Bert chow. Sincerely, J.H.The All Knowing, All Seeing EVIL Bert Responds:
Jesus Christ, what do I look like to you, huh? An online dating service? Someone's pimp? Jeez! Yeah, I'll hook you up, at somebody shoot me dot com! Maybe they can help you there. Goodbye!
Check out what answers other personalities of Bert supplied:
ALL KNOWING, ALL SEEING BERT
Question #4, dated 2-21-03:Dearest Bert, I think you are a hot pimp and I want your cute little self. I want to snuggle up against your polka-dot tie and playfully bite your neck. Would you like to go out sometime? Your admirer, Frankie.The All Knowing, All Seeing EVIL Bert Responds:Hey hey, now. How do you get off calling me a pimp? That is...unless you, yourself, are a prostitute, looking for a little pimp daddy. That would make more sense, considering you proposition me in your letter. But fuck it. I'm NOT in a good mood to deal with you, and the hottest sex in the world couldn't make me change my mind. Perhaps -- Hey wait a minute! Aren't you that guy from Transylvania? Frank N Furter? Is this some kind of celebrity practical joke? Where's the cameras? Over there? There? Fuck it! You're not pullin' one on me! I'm outta here!
Question #3, dated 3-03-02:I thought I would take a clue from you and I started wearing dark glasses and walking with a cane. I walked into my sister's best frend shower calling out for "Jaynet" but insted of getting a quick peek she freaked out and kicked me into the hallway. Whats your secret? BillThe All Knowing, All Seeing EVIL Bert Responds:Thank God! Finally a letter that isn't whining! But you're an idiot and a whimp! Jeez! Grow some balls! If the bitch kicks you, hit her back. Say, "Sorry bitch, I didn't realize you were in there. I thought someone left the shower on." If she doesn't believe you, then cuss her out and tell her you called out "Jaynet". Act stupid, and say "Isn't that your name?" Then when she apologizes, and returns to her shower, leave the room -- but make sure you flush the toilet first. She'll love the burst of hot water in the shower. Trust me. Would I lie?
Question #2, dated 6-14-01:
Hi Bert, I have been going to Rocky Horror for three years now, but recently, my mother remarried. my step-father will not let me go anymore, but he let my three years younger step sister go to the other town midnight movie. I have tried every excuse and plee I can think of to get him to let me go back to all my friends at the theatre, but he says no. My mother is no help either. What should I do? Birdy.The All Knowing, All Seeing EVIL Bert Responds:Jeez. Boo hoo hoo. Hold on while I grab some kleenex....or a shot gun to shoot myself if I have to hear another whiney letter. But since I'm obligated to answer, let's get this over with. This is what I would do if I were you. I'd say to your step-dad, "Yo, Ralph" or whatever the fuck his name is, "I been goin' for three years now. And I haven't gotten into any trouble yet. Not even arrested for pot in my purse or any shit like that. No, I don't do drugs. Relax." And if he still doesn't listen, bring up the younger step-daughter thing to him, something like, "And what's with you lettin' this flat chested bitch ride my ride to the movie when she ain't even old enough to get in?" (Note: later, sneak into your step-sister's room while she sleeps and steal her fake I.D.) Look, I really don't know what else to say.
Question #1, dated 7-12-00:Dear Bert, I hope you can help me. I just moved into a large city, where a cast plays at a movie theater. Rocky Horror is SO cool. I want to act out as Frank because the cast's normal Frank broke his foot or something like that. Trouble is, my girlfriend hates Rocky Horror and doesn't want me to act out, particularly Frank! Rocky Horror is in my blood but I don't want to lose her either! What can I do? Sincerely, Torn Between Two Loves.The All Knowing, All Seeing EVIL Bert Responds:Blah blah blah. Whine whine whine. You think you got problems? I'VE got problems! Some idiot asshole starts this website and thinks I got the time to answer some moron's question about how his woman won't let him act or she'll leave him -- or some shit like that. Listen. If you wanna act at this theater, dump the bitch. It's that simple. Besides, I'm sure other chicks will swarm all over ya once you start to act out as Frank N. Furter. That's my advice to you. Take it. Or else, fuck off. Enough said.
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