Question #5, dated 11-10-04 (Yeah, today's July 31, 2005, so Bert's late with this one!)Hey Bert I think your friend Cosmo McKinley is really cute. Anyway you could hook me up??? Love ya Bert chow. Sincerely, J.H.The All Knowing, All Seeing GAY Bert Responds:Ooh, J.H. instead of your full name. I love a man with a mystery. Uh...er...I assume you're a man. But regarless, it is not ME you are wanting to "hook up" with. it is Cosmo McKinley. You know, I found him attractive at one point, and wanted to...well, I'll keep that to myself. A dame always keeps her secrets. Regardless, I gave up the idea when I found out that Cosmo McKinley had a very little................... Hmmm, what was it I just said about secrets. I'll leave it up to your imagination, sweetie. If you're a size queen, run the other way. Otherwise, There might be something between he and you in the future. Even if that something is small. Later, love.
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ALL KNOWING, ALL SEEING BERT
Question #4, dated 2-21-03:Dearest Bert, I think you are a hot pimp and I want your cute little self. I want to snuggle up against your polka-dot tie and playfully bite your neck. Would you like to go out sometime? Your admirer, Frankie.The All Knowing, All Seeing GAY Bert Responds:Darling Frankie... Oh yes, I know who you are. You're that alien transvestite from that planet. I saw you in that movie. Pretty hot, you are. I'm glad you find me so irresistable (even though I am pleasantly surprised to realize you have a tie fetish!) Unfortunately, I'm involved with someone at the moment and must decline such a sweet offer. I especially liked the lipstick print of your lips attatched to your letter! I'm sending you kisses back! Thanks, Frankie! Mmmmwwaahh!
Question #3, dated 3-03-02:I thought I would take a clue from you and I started wearing dark glasses and walking with a cane. I walked into my sister's best frend shower calling out for "Jaynet" but insted of getting a quick peek she freaked out and kicked me into the hallway. Whats your secret? BillThe All Knowing, All Seeing GAY Bert Responds:Dearest Bill -- First, let's discuss the fashion sense. The dark glasses and walking cane are probably what got you kicked into the hallway. Darling, those are accessories, which you probably wore with the wrong color of clothes (most likely). Try turquoise or aqua. And you were right to ask me for fashion tips, but slow down when you type you letter to me. You were in such a rush, you had a few typos. For instance, you called out for "Jaynet" when you probably meant "Jay". I have an ex-boyfriend named Jay who showered 3 times a day. I left him when I found out he was into water-sports. And you typed "...instead of getting a quick peek..." when you really mean "...quick pee" --Why else would you bother to enter a room where there's some naked fish in the shower? So there you have it. My advice to you is to dress better and type slower. Tah tah.
Question #2, dated 6-14-01:Hi Bert, I have been going to Rocky Horror for three years now, but recently, my mother remarried. my step-father will not let me go anymore, but he let my three years younger step sister go to the other town midnight movie. I have tried every excuse and plee I can think of to get him to let me go back to all my friends at the theatre, but he says no. My mother is no help either. What should I do? Birdy.The All Knowing, All Seeing GAY Bert Responds:Darling Birdy -- The problem is real simple, sweety. There's a closet gay in the picture here, and it ain't mom, dad or step-sis, you know what I'm sayin'? I could help but noticing that your letter was filled with such deep jealousy, particularly towards your step sister. I asked myself, why? Why would this girl be so jealous of her younger step-sister? Youth? No. Beauty? I doubt it. Then I looked closer at your hidden anger and discovered the truth! You're a lesbian. Plain and simple. You probably haven't even admitted it to yourself, but let me point out the facts to you...okay? First of all, you can't help but admit jealousy in the father-daughter relationship there. It's obvious that you want your step-sis all to yourself but daddy's got all her affection. You can't run to mom because mom already suspects you have an incestuous attraction. Mom can't deal with it so she won't support you. I think once you come to terms with your inner sexuality, everything will work itself out. Many thanks!
Question #1, dated 7-12-00:Dear Bert, I hope you can help me. I just moved into a large city, where a cast plays at a movie theater. Rocky Horror is SO cool. I want to act out as Frank because the cast's normal Frank broke his foot or something like that. Trouble is, my girlfriend hates Rocky Horror and doesn't want me to act out, particularly Frank! Rocky Horror is in my blood but I don't want to lose her either! What can I do? Sincerely, Torn Between Two Loves.The All Knowing, All Seeing GAY Bert Responds:Well, TBTL... When I read your letter, I had to do a little soul searching. I had to FULLY understand what you were asking me. So, essentially, I had to "Read Between The Lines." If you know what i mean. And I'm glad I did because now I see the real problem: You're gay. This is nothing to be ashamed of. I could tell you were the moment you called your partner "girlfriend." Oh, aren't we all! Besides, you're letter was typed in the helvetica font. Please! Can we spell Queen? Anyway, baby, let me give you some advice. Rocky Horror is a starting ground for many young males who are "coming out." Sort of a platform, if you will. Give the acting (as Frank) a try. He's quite sexy, as you may already know. And trust me: take that Frank persona home to bed with you and your lover -- er, girlfriend -- will have no problem with you acting anymore!
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