Question #5, dated 11-10-04 (Yeah, today's July 31, 2005, so Bert's late with this one!)Hey Bert I think your friend Cosmo McKinley is really cute. Anyway you could hook me up??? Love ya Bert chow. Sincerely, J.H.The All Knowing, All Seeing PEEPING TOM Bert Responds:I don't know, J.H., maybe you and I should hook up first? I mean, he'll probably want some references...right? No? Oh well, I'll ask him. There's a perfect little room near my own that you two can spend some time together in. It has a nice bed with white blanket and pillow. Oh, and there's a perfect window nearby where the moon can shine through for a truly romantic evening. But make sure you keep the blinds open now. You definately want the blinds open. Trust me. Then you two can do whatever you want. Oh yeah, and if by chance you look up to the window and see what looks like someone staring into the room, just forget about it. It's probably a tree or something. Those kinds of things happen around here all the time. Enjoy your date.
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ALL KNOWING, ALL SEEING BERT
Question #4, dated 2-21-03:Dearest Bert, I think you are a hot pimp and I want your cute little self. I want to snuggle up against your polka-dot tie and playfully bite your neck. Would you like to go out sometime? Your admirer, Frankie.The All Seeing And All Knowing PEEPING TOM Bert Responds:Frankie! At last, you've picked up on all the hints that I've been giving you! I can now tell you that I secretly wanted you from the moment I first saw you! I love you in your cheerleader outfit, although, I think you might agree that a catholic school uniform might be hotter! YUM! Come to think of it, I also like that other cheerleader you're always hangin' out with. The three of us could have a reaaall good time, if you know what I mean. Call me on the private number I slipped you the other day. Later babe.
Question #3, dated 3-03-02:I thought I would take a clue from you and I started wearing dark glasses and walking with a cane. I walked into my sister's best frend shower calling out for "Jaynet" but insted of getting a quick peek she freaked out and kicked me into the hallway. Whats your secret? BillThe All Knowing, All Seeing PEEPING TOM Bert Responds:Bill -- This is the letter I've been waiting for. My expertiese. My field. First of all, let the chick know several days in advance that you're "blind" (hee hee). Walk around in public where she can see you using the cane and dark glasses. Make her believe you. Hell, at some point, reach out "in the darkness" in front of you and cop a feel of her tits. Apologize. And take this advice: I've learned by experience that taking the glasses off when you enter the girl's shower room is a dead give-away. Instead, leave 'em on and wear lighter shades. You asked for my secret, there you go!
Question #2, dated 6-14-01:
Hi Bert, I have been going to Rocky Horror for three years now, but recently, my mother remarried. my step-father will not let me go anymore, but he let my three years younger step sister go to the other town midnight movie. I have tried every excuse and plee I can think of to get him to let me go back to all my friends at the theatre, but he says no. My mother is no help either. What should I do? Birdy.The All Knowing, All Seeing PEEPING-TOM Bert Responds:Ah Birdy... First of all, I need to say I don't know how to answer your question. I mean, there are so many important details you did not mention that need to be known. For example, you neglected to give out some information about you. Like, how tall are you? What color are your eyes? What is your bra size? Do you undress in your bedroom with your curtains drawn open? What is your address? Some may think these things are trivial, but they play a big part in your problem. Perhaps your step-father doesn't want you to go because he'll worry about you, what with you running around in high rise shorts with thin little pany lines showing through. Before you blame your step-father, understand he may just be protecting that sweet ass of yours. Later!
Question #1, dated 7-12-00:Dear Bert, I hope you can help me. I just moved into a large city, where a cast plays at a movie theater. Rocky Horror is SO cool. I want to act out as Frank because the cast's normal Frank broke his foot or something like that. Trouble is, my girlfriend hates Rocky Horror and doesn't want me to act out, particularly Frank! Rocky Horror is in my blood but I don't want to lose her either! What can I do? Sincerely, Torn Between Two Loves.The All Knowing, All Seeing PEEPING-TOM Bert Responds:TBTL... I think you should take a shot with the acting. There are plenty of hot babes. Trust me I know. I've been to The Rocky Horror Picture Show in a nearby city years ago, usually with my good friend Paul (you know him as Pee-Wee). Anyway, we'd sit in the back and watch all the good lookin' chicks actin' out up front, just hopin' the girl playin' Columbia will pop out a nipple or two for the spotlight. Ah, the memories. Paul and I would just sit in the back and keep our popcorn buckets resting in our laps. Anyway, I've heard actors at Rocky tend to get laid a lot, particularly with other actors. If this is true, you've got a bonus. And if you don't score there, maybe you can get lucky with your girlfriend after she calms down. Let me know how it goes!
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