Stage Adaptation

by Donny O'Bryan
Based on story and characters created by Richard O'Brien and
depicted through the motion picture Shock Treatment.

If you are wanting the rights to perform this play, please click HERE.


and the following characters are also used as "crew" to remove props from stage as necessary... Kirk and Irwin can be played by the same actor.  Other characters, such as drummer, guitarist, etc, are not necessary for casting.  Also of note: while Brad and Farley are identified as "twin" brothers, they are not necessarily indentical twins.  Casting two people who are not identical is acceptable.


Stage should allow a reasonable of space for dancing/acting near the audience.  This space should be full stage width.  The back of the stage should be divided up into 3 "spaces".  Platforms are acceptable.  Stage left should be a desk-type countertop, for program broadcasting.  Stage Center should be empty.  Stage right should be a desk, as in office desk.  A screen or white backdrop should be featured center for projection of images and video footage.  If possible, allow the first row of seats in the theater's auditorium for cast/crew seating.


The following is a basic list of necessary props, although the director is certainly allowed to add more.


(These can be done through slide projector, overhead projector, or through Powerpoint).


As this scene starts, have necessary characters seated in front row of seats in auditorium.  If this is not possible, have them scattered around the auditorium and stage.


The video screen shows a slide image of Farley Flavors.  A voice-over narrative speaks to us (voiced by anyone that is not a primary character)

VOICEOVER:  Once upon a time, in a town, not far from yours, there lived a real fast guy.

(The video screen slide show continues and now shows an image of Farley, looking financially successful.  Perhaps with skimpy dressed girls at his side, and lots of money in his hands.)

VOICEOVER:  His life was fast; his friends were fast; even his food was fast.  But he was still not satisfied.  He wanted to share his fast philosophy with someone else.

(Slide projection of Janet Majors)

VOICEOVER:  A beautiful girl.  Trouble was, she was in the arms of another man.

(Slide projection of Janet with Brad at her side)

STAGE LIGHTS UP.  Slide projection to read: "Two minutes till showtime."

(As lights come up, music starts.  The music is an instrumental OVERTURE.  In the front row, if possible, is seated a selected number of cast for this play.  If not possible to have them seated there, then these characters should be standing in various places within the auditorium and stage.  VANCE PARKER, the policeman can be seen center stage, motioning everyone to get up and take their places.  Characters scatter, heading to their marked spaces on the set.  This should be paced to spread out in a timely matter with the length of the instrumental song.  Various chit-chat can be heard from characters, such as "Oh, it's almost time."  or  "Break a leg." or "How do I look?" etc...  HARRY WEISS can say to his wife, "Good luck, honey."  Another way to kill time during this song: have the set empty of props and furniture initially, and crewmen can place them on the stage during this song.  Close to the end of the song, the slide projection changes to read "30 seconds."  As the song reaches the end, all characters are in place front of stage, as described below:

NEELY PRITT stands alone in front, direct center.
Behind her, at her left and right, stand EMILY WEISS and HARRY WEISS, respectively.
Directly behind EMILY and HARRY, is VANCE PARKER.
Behind Him are 4 characters, side by side, left to right.  They are BRENDA DRILL, FRANCINE, RALPH HAPSCHATT, and MACY STRUTHERS.
(Song comes to an end.  Slide projection reads "Denton, Home Of Happiness."


NEELY:  You'll find happy hearts, and smiling faces and tolerance for the ethnic races in Denton.
HARRY:  You'll find a rambling rose and a picket fence.
EMILY:  Tenderness and innocence in Denton
VANCE:  (stepping out to be seen easily) You'll find conference rooms and a children's playground.  Denton is a real okay town.  Civic pride and civic duty and Denton girls are full of beauty.
BRENDA & FRANCINE:  You may call us the goodie goodie two shoes.  Were here to cheer you with the good news that D-E-N-T-O-N gets T-E-N.  That's ten out of ten.
RALPH:  If you're looking for a life of leisure.
MACY:  Your gonna get a whole lot to please ya
RALPH:  Again and again
MACY:   And again and again
RALPH & MACY:   And again.

ALL:  (with choreographed dancing) Denton, Denton, you've got no pretension.  You're where the heart is you're okay.  Denton, Denton, I'd just like to mention you're the home of youth.  You're America's truth.  You're Denton Denton USA!

EMILY:  This is the Mecca of America.
HARRY:  The Bethlehem of the west.
EMILY:  This is the birthplace of the virtuous.
HARRY:  The home of happiness.
MACY:   Leisure wise, we're sure you will adapt.
RALPH:  Enjoy your stay.  Have a happy holiday.
BRENDA & FRANCINE:  And we'll all put Denton Denton on the map.

ALL:  (with choreographed dancing) Denton, Denton, you've got no pretension.  You're where the heart is you're okay.  Denton, Denton, I'd just like to mention you're the home of youth.  You're America's truth.  You're Denton Denton USA.  Denton, Denton, you've got no pretension.  You're where the heart is you're okay.  Denton, Denton, I'd just like to mention you're the acceptable face of the human race.  You're Denton Denton USA.

(SONG ENDS.  Cast walks off set.  Up at stage left, we see two people sitting behind the anchor desk.  They are BETTY HAPSCHATT and OLIVER WRIGHT.  We can see a camera man nearby with studio camera pointed at them.  VIDEO PROJECTION:  the words "Denton Dossier."  This would be best presented with the anchor desk area lit only; the remaining stage dark.)

BETTY:  Well how about that?  Wasn't that terrific?  And now for, well certainly my favorite part of the show, and I sincerely hope yours at home, our regular in depth discussion with Judge Oliver Wright, Denton's leading social scientist.  Judge Wright...

OLIVER:  Hmmm?

BETTY:  Did you enjoy our anthem?

OLIVER:  In a way.

BETTY:  I detect a note of reticence.  Are you, perhaps, one of those amongst us who feel that emotive forms of presentations are overly manipulative?

OLIVER:  Well Betty, there are many ways that the spider may catch the fly.  There are monetary inducements, extortion, seduction, blackmail, prejudice and lies.

BETTY:  Thank you Judge Oliver Wright.  And now for a commercial break.

(This comercially can either be filmed and projected onto the screen, or it can be acted out.  The comercial is as follows...  Macy faces the audience.  Some cast members will sit or stand in the audience and shout the appropriate responses.  If the comercially is acted instead of filmed, use the screen to project what is acted, or to project 5 slides of "Farley" "Flavors" "Fabulous" "Fast"  and "Food.")

MACY:  Okay everyone, lets hear the five F's for today.  F for. . .
CAST:  Farley!
MACY:  F for...
CAST:  Flavors!
MACY:  F for...
CAST:  Fabulous!
MACY:  F for...
CAST:  Fast!
MACY:  And F for...
CAST:  Food!
VOICEOVER:  First and foremost, Farley Flavor's fabulous fast foods feed and fortify families for a fabulous future!
(COMERCIAL ends.  All stage lights up.  Slide projection reads "Stand By."  Everyone is scattering around stage and set to prepare for next scene.  Lots of chatter.  BETTY and OLIVER stand up to leave stage area.)

VOICEOVER (different from comercial voiceover): Stand by for Marriage Maze.  Strike the Denton Dossier set.

BETTY:  Thank you so much Judge Wright for another wonderful interview.

OLIVER: Judge Wright, oh come on Betty.  First name terms surely huh?

BETTY:  Oh Oliver, you're so tolerant.  Time for a coffee break before you rush off?

NEELY:  (spotting Janet in the audience)  Janet!

OLIVER:  I'd love to, that is, if you don't mind being seen with an older man.

BETTY:  Why, Oliver, since Ralph and I separated maturity is something I look for in a man.

(NEELY has approached JANET and BRAD.  They can either be seated somewhere in the audience, as though they were watching the show, or you can have them in the aisle, looking for seats as Neely finds them)

NEELY:  (approaching Janet and Brad) Hi Brad.  Hi Janet.  Come for the Marriage Maze?  I'm exhausted working on this documentary for Farley's new show.  (Janet seems confused) Farley Flavors, our new sponsor.  Whew!  I tell you Janet, that guy's as close as we'll come to a successful man in this town.

(Always one to be the center of attention, NEELY realizes the conversation is going nowhere, so she redirects her attention to Betty and Oliver who are in silent conversation as they make their way downstage.  NEELY joins their side)

NEELY:  Hi Betty.

BETTY:  Hello Neely.

NEELY:  You keep up that high standard of interview and I'm gonna have to include you in Farley's documentary.  You're so ... probing.

OLIVER: A free thinker?

BETTY:  Everything's free there.

(BETTY and OLIVER have made their way to stage right, directly in front near audience, where KIRK IDOL is there with his pushcart.  On the cart is several cups and a coffee pot full of coffee.  VANCE is already there, in conversation with KIRK.)

KIRK:   Hi Betty? The usual?

BETTY:  Plus one.

KIRK:   Here ya go.  Hi Vance. Are you gonna be watching Marriage Maze?

VANCE:    Sure am.  This could be Bert Schnick's finest hour.

KIRK:   Yeah?

VANCE:    Yeah!  This could be a major step forward for him.

(KIRK notices the projected image, which is now reading "30 seconds," and nudges Vance.)

KIRK: Yeah, a leap in the dark.  You'd better go check on the Bert, otherwise.

VANCE:    Right.

BETTY:  Good luck.

(Projected image changes to logo of Marriage Maze)

VOICEOVER:  And here to bring you your just desserts and a recipe for a perfect marriage, is that gorgeous gourmet, tossing the uproarious salad of life, Marriage Maze host Bert Schnick!

(Fanfare music as BERT SCHNICK dances his way onto stage.  Even though he is blind, it comes natural.  VANCE PARKER holds up a sign to the audience that says APPLAUSE urging them to clap.  Several unused characters sit in the front row if possible.  If not they should stand to the sides.  BERT ends up stage left, behind the anchor desk, standing in between the two chairs previously occupied by Betty and Oliver.)

BERT:   Hoopla Denton!

CAST:   (clapping and cheering)  Hoopla Bert!

BERT:   Thank you.  Welcome.  Thank you.  Before we start I want to say one or two words about tomorrow nights great new show "The Faith Factory Show."  And as a matter of fact we have in the studio audience tonight the host and his lovely co-host.  Give a big hand please to Ralph Hapshadt and the vivacious Macy Struthers.

(If Ralph and Macy are seated in audience, they should stand and give their "celebrity" waves to the crowd.  If they are standing on the sides, they should step forward and do the same)

BERT:   Lets get a camera in there for heavens sake.  Over the moon about that commercial Macy.

MACY:   Thanks Bert.

BERT:   And got a good show lined up for us tomorrow night Ralph?

RALPH:  Ah, you bet Bert.

BERT:   Good!  I'm gonna be there.  Ain't we all viewers?

(VANCE rushes to Bert's side and whispers breaking news into Bert's ear)

BETTY:  Macy Struthers with my husband.  God I must have been blind.  Still, the weaker the man the dumber the blonde.

OLIVER: (Pointing) Isn't that Brad and Janet Majors in the audience?  What an ideal couple they are.  You know more than anyone else in Denton they represent the old values.  Ike would've been proud of them.

(On the Marriage Maze set, Vance has finished whispering to Bert, who knods in understandment.  Vance leaves his side, and Bert continues as though there hasn't been an interruption at all.)

BERT:   And now, would the first couple who seem to have made hash of their marriage, and cooked their goose, step this way please.  (BERT points to BRAD and JANET)  You!

JANET:  That's us Brad!

BERT:   Come on.  What's cooking up there.  Come on down, you guys.  Lets feel you.

BRAD:   I'm not going Janet.

JANET:  We've got to.  Everyone is watching.

(Brad and Janet rush down the aisle to sit in the seats at BERT's sides.)

BERT:  That's it, look at the camera.  Introduce yourselves.

BRAD:  I'm Brad Maj--

JANET: (at the same time)  I'm Janet Maj--  (embarrased pause, and then) I'm Janet Majors and this is
                my husband Brad.

BERT:  We've been hearing some bad things about you, Brad.

JANET:  Yes, he needs help.

BERT:  Face it, Janet!  Brad's an emotional cripple.

(Cast and crew laugh, and encourage laughter from audience)

JANET: (embarrassed)  I know, I know, it's just...

BERT:  Looks like 'Rest Home' for this marriage.

BERT:  Do you watch 'Dentonvale,' Janet?

JANET:  I've caught it once or twice.

BERT:  Of course!  D.T.V.'s most popular Hospital series featuring those perennial favorites, Cosmo and Nation McKinley. Neuro-specialists par excellence ...if you'll pardon my French. I recommend you send Brad to them for treatment!

JANET:  I know he's boring but... Neuro-specialists!  That sounds pretty drastic.

BERT:  It's no use pussyfooting around, Janet -- we have to cut quick and deep.

OLIVER (still watching from the sidelines with Betty):  McKinley?...McKinley?

BETTY:  Bert brought them over from Europe.  They had a very popular series together.  It's still rerun in a lot of countries.  You must have seen them in 'Dentonvale?'

OLIVER:  Never watch it.

BERT:  There's no use delaying another moment.

(VANCE PARKER holds a card, reading "DENTONVALE," up to cue Audience.)

BERT:  I'm afraid there's only one solution.  Tell them, Folks.  One, two, three...

(Cast & crew encourage audience to shout "Dentonvale!")

BERT:  Don't go away.  We'll be right back to see if Brad and Janet want to play or pass...

(Projected image changes to words "Off The Air: Comercial Break")

BERT (patting Janet's shoulder):  Congratulations!  I think your're making a wise decision.  (Bert walks away for a break.)

JANET:  But...

BRAD:  I'm not going, Janet.

JANET:  What are you trying to do?  Make Bert look like a fool?  He's made all the arrangements.

BRAD:  But I don't need treadment.  (He knocks props off of the desktop)

BERT:  You need glasses, Brad!

(Cast and crew encourage laughter from audience)

JANET:  (Embarrased and angry)  I'm sick of being humiliated by you!  Bert's right!  You're going!

(Projected image changes to words "Marriage Maze Prizes")


(During the song, images are projected on the screen of Marriage Maze prizes.  The are showcased as the song's lyrics mention them)

BRAD: (singing, as he notices the images on screen)
    Dear blender, oh won't you help a first offender
    Oh toaster, don't you put the burn on me
    Refridgerator, why are we always sooner or later
    Bitchin' in the kitchen or cryin' in the bedroom all night.
    Dear knife drawer, now won't you help me to face life more
    Oh trash can, don't you put the dirt on me
    Oh perculator, why are we always sooner or later
    Bitchin' in the kitchen or cryin' in the bedroom all night
JANET: (miserable)
    Everything used to be okay but I've been had
    Brad, I'm glad to say, is on his way (Janet suddenly notices the images on screen)
    Micro-digital awaker, why are we always sooner or later
    Bitchin' in the kitchen or cryin' in the bedroom all night
    Shower curtain, oh won't you help me to be certain
    Oh toothpaste, don't you put the squeeze on me
    Depilatator, why are we always sooner or later
    Bitchin' in the kitchen or cryin' in the bedroom all night

(Projected image changes to logo of Marriage Maze)

(A male nurse (RICKY) appears with wheelchair.  He heads to Brad and Janet's side)

BERT: (stepping in between Brad and Janet) Hey, Folks!  It's Ricky from the Rest Home.

(Cast and crew encourage the audience to applaud)

BERT:  What do you say, Ricky?

RICKY:  I've come for Mr. Majors, Ma'am.  Nothing serious, I hope.

JANET: (still embarrassed)  No.  Just a routine checkup.

BERT: (to audience) Just a routine checkup, folks?

(Cast and crew encourage the audience to laugh)

(Janet faces the audience.)

JANET:  Tell me, spectator, why are we always sooner or later
    Bitchin' in the kitchen or cryin' in the bedroom all night

(Bert pushes Brad into the wheelchair, and allows Ricky to take him off set.  Janet follows.

BERT:  The subject is committed...

All stage lights come up.  We can see from a projected image that we are once again in a comercial break.)

BERT: (to Vance who passes by) are we all.  (He laughs)  (VANCE laughs as well.)

(As Bert exits, we can see Cosmo and Nation moving towards desk stage right.  They seat in the chairs.  Crew works quickly to prepare for the next scene.  Make-up artists apply powder and lipstick to Cosmo and Nation respectively.)

MALE VOICE OVER:  Stand by for Dentonvale.  20 seconds.

(Various chit chat as people try to rush off the set.  We can hear the male voice over count-down "three, two, one...")  (Lights down except for Cosmo's desk)  (Image projected on screen reads "Dentonvale")

FEMALE VOICE OVER:  This week's special guests are Brad and Janet Majors in tonight's episode. 'The Arrival.'

(Cosmo McKinley rises to greet Brad and Janet and Ricky who approach the desk.  Brad stands, keeping the wheelchair behind him.)

COSMO:  Ah.  Mr. And Mrs. Majors.  How wonderful to see you.  I am Dr. Cosmo McKinley and this is my sister, and colleague, Nation McKinley.

NATION:  We understand you've been going through a rather trying time.

JANET:  Well yes, but...

(Ricky preps a hyperdermic needle to inject into Brad's neck)

BRAD:  Listen!  There's nothing wrong with me... (Brad feels a sharp prick, or pain, in his neck, but doesn't turn around) It's just that Janet and I haven't...  (Brad falls back into the wheelchair, somewhat drowsey.  Janet seems shocked at Brad's behavior.  Cosmo rushes to Brad's side and examines him as any professional doctor would.  Nation and Janet join Brad's side.)

COSMO:   Does he do that often?

JANET:  No!  He's never done that before.

COSMO:  Good!  Well there's still hope.  Lots of hope.

NATION:  If anyone can help Brad.  We can.

JANET:  Well, he needs help.

(NURSE ANSALONG runs in, nearly colliding with Ricky, who is leaving.)

COSMO:  Ah.  Nurse Ansalong - you're here.

ANSALONG:  Well it was pretty short notice but I...

NATION: (interrupting her) Attend to Mr. Majors, Nurse.

(Ansalong adjusts wheelchair, making sure Brad is securely seated.  She then wheels Brad away...)

COSMO:  There are just one or two formalities that have to be dealt with, Mrs. Majors. There are contracts to be signed...

JANET: (wanting to stay by Brad's side)  Uh, could I do that later?

NATION: (nervous) Of course...

(Janet catches up with Ansalong and Brad)

ANSALONG (stage whisper):  Sign the contract tomorrow...

COSMO:  (yelling to them before they are out of sight) Just one or two details.  Does  he have any living relatives?  Blood relatives?

JANET:  No...couldn't I do this later?

NATION:  Of course.

JANET: (to Ansalong just before going out of view)  Why did you tell me not to sign now?

ANSALONG:  Well this way, you get the first day free. (They exit).  (ALL LIGHTS GO DARK FOR SCENE CHANGE.)  (We can hear shuffle and quiet chat as people clear the set).  (Image projects on screen: Comercial Break.  Then another image: Stand By.)  (Male voice-over says "Three, Two, One..")

(LIGHTS COME UP ON BERTS MARRIAGE MAZE SET.  This time, the slide project reads 30 second Quiz)  (BERT stands between Janet's Mom and Dad)

MOM:  About Brad's family?

BERT:  As Janet's parents this should be really easy.  Your last clue... Mental Instability.  You have thirty seconds.  (AUDIO SOUND:  Tick Tock Tick Tock...)

DAD:  Mental instability?

MOM:  He was adopted you know.

DAD:  I'd forgotten.

MOM:  Well I hadn't.  I was worried about inherited craziness when they married.  I said to Janet 'What do we know of his parents?'

BERT:  Which leads us to...?

(VANCE PARKER has been facing the audience looking carefully at his watch, watching as 30 seconds counted down.  Suddenly he smiles and looks to the audience.  He motions with his fingers: 4, 3, 2.  He stops short as Janet's mother answers at the last second...)

MOM:  Infantile regression?

(Bells ring.  Lights Flash.  Wild applause encouraged by Vance Parker.)

BERT:  You got it!

MOM:  I got it!  I got it!!!

BERT:  Congratulations!  It's 'Happy Homes' for Harry and Emily Weiss of Denton.

(END OF SCENE) (Lights fade out to black) (Image projection: Comercial Break.  This image disappears when lights come up.)

(When lights come up, we see Nation, Cosmo and Bert stage right at Cosmo's desk.  Cosmo is standing, facing the audience.  Nation sits behind the desk, and Bert sits in front of the desk.  Nation and Bert are delighted and laugh.)

BERT:  She got it!  She got the big one!  Infantile regression

NATION:  Our speciality!

BERT:  Your speciality!

COSMO:  I can't wait to begin on him.  Really, Bert, I don't know what we'd do without you.

BERT:  I must confess.  The decision to have Brad committed was not strictly my own.

COSMO:  No, of course, there's Janet.  But if she was so keen on getting him in here, why wouldn't she sign the contract?

BERT:  Uh, no.  It wasn't Janet, exactly.  It was, in fact, Your new sponser!

COSMO:  Sponser?

BERT:  Dentonvale has been sold.

COSMO:  Sold?

NATION:  Dear old Bert settled everything.

BERT:  Yeah, you endorse his Faith Factory and he endorses your research.

COSMO (angry):  He--!!!  How dare this person take advantage of my weakness.

NATION:  I don't think he intends to go that far. (She and BERT laugh at Cosmo's anger)


(Fade to black except for spotlight on Janet, who stands center stage.  Brad is in a wheelchair next to her.  He wears a straightjacket and his mouth is gagged.  MUSIC starts for the song "In My Own Way".  During this song, Janet can sing to Brad or move around the stage and sets.  She can even move into the audience, as if she were pleading the audience to hear her message.  These blocks of movement, of course, should be determined by the director of this play)

JANET:  (singing)
    If only you knew how to win some prizes
    If only you knew how to play
    If you could sleep nights
    And stop your crying
    Then you might find out I still love you in my own way.

    If that's not enough then I am so sorry I met you
    It was almost like leading you on.
    But there's more to it all
    Then just wringing your heart out over something
    That keeps on going wrong.

    So don't tell me you love me
    How am I supposed to know what that means?
    No don't sell emotion
    You cant find devotion
    If you're falling apart at the seams

    I hope that you smile
    When you reach your conclusion.
    I hope that you'll know just what to say.

    But if it should mean that the party is over
    You should know that I still love you
    You should know that I still love you
    You should know that I still love you
    In my own way.  In my own way.
    In my own way.  In my own way.


(When the lights come up at the end of song, we see that Brad is no longer there.  Ansalong had pushed him out of sight towards the end of the song.  On center stage, we see a round kitchen table with 3 chairs.  On the table top is a dress that Emily made.  JANET's PARENTS (EMILY and HARRY) are seated at the table.  When Janet sees them, she is both surprised and happy.  The director should decide what other props are at table and what actions each character does to fill this scene during dialogue.  ONE other prop that is evident: a TV set, placed on top of a push-cart, its back to the audience)

EMILY: (Rising, to hug her approaching daughter)  Oh, my poor baby.

JANET:  Oh, Mom.  It's Brad...

EMILY:  I know, I know, baby.  He's gonna get all the help he needs.

JANET:  Yes...

EMILY:  But in the meantime... (she grabs the dress and shows it to Janet) ...look, for you!

JANET:  What?

EMILY:  They call it a new look at an old favorite.  I copied it from the Window On The World Show.

JANET:  Oh....

EMILY:  The far east meets the mid-west.

JANET:  Mom, it's just--

EMILY:  It's just what the doctor ordered, I know.  Come on, sit down.  My favorite television show just started.

JANET:  What show?

EMILY:  Dentonvale.

(HARRY reaches over and turns the volume up on the television set.  As JANET and EMILY sit down at the table, an image is projected:  HAPPY HOMES.)

FEMALE ANNOUNCER (voice-over):  Love starts at the home, and where better to find this than in today's Happy Homes..  With guest star, Janet Majors.

HARRY:  That's my girl!

MALE ANNOUNCER:  (voiceover, on television) So if you're sick and tired of having the goodness boiled away out of your coffee, replace that old perk of yours with a coffee-maker of prestigious distinction...and be the envy of all with a coffee maker that says it all

EMILY:  Sounds good.  Want some coffee?  I can go make some...?

JANET:  Oh, no thanks.

FEMALE ANNOUNCER (voiceover, on television): When that man of yours comes in from the big outdoors...with a burning thirst that only Lake Michigan could satisfy...make sure there's a cold can of Kroutmeister Light in the ice box...He'll thank you for it!  And he'll thank Kroutmeister!

(Optional Direction:  During this scene, if you so choose, you can have the dialogue from the TV program "Dentonvale" playing in the background.  They are spoken by COSMO and NATION, and they "echo" words spoken in the scene with JANET and her parents.  If you choose NOT to have this audio heard, simply have HARRY turn down the TV now, perhaps frustrated because the beer advertisement made him yearn for it and he doesn't have it.  If you choose to have the Dentonvale dialogue used in this scene, they are quoted here, inside brackets.)

HARRY:  Oh, for crying out loud, Emily.  Leave her alone.  She's not a kid.

[COSMO:  I want you to leave her alone.]

EMILY:  (folding the dress and handing it to Janet)  Well, I wanted to see her in it.

JANET:  It's really very nice.

EMILY:  The material is imported...Tiawanese.

[COSMO:  It's imported.  Tiawanese]

HARRY:  Dammit, Emily.  She's not interested.

[NATION:  Not interested.  Not interested.]

EMILY:  What are you trying to do, Harry?  Start an argument?

[COSMO:  Exactly.]

EMILY:  Don't you want your daughter to look pretty?

HARRY:  Who's she got to look pretty for?

EMILY:  She's got a husband.

HARRY:  She's got a weirdo!  I've never been able to afford the time to have a nervous breakdown.

[COSMO:  There's so little time for a complete breakdown.]

JANET:  Oh, poor Brad...

[NATION:  Yes, poor.  Ha ha ha ha...]

EMILY:  Thank God he was born an orphan.  It would have killed his parents.

[COSMO:  Thank goodness.]

EMILY:  And thank goodness he hasn't ended up like that Slipstrini boy.

HARRY:  What are you talking about?  Danny Slipstrini's a chip off the old block.  I played eighteen holes of golf with his father just last week...and Hank says that Danny's moved to New York to better himself.

EMILY:  He moved alright...

[NATION:  He moved, yes, that's right.]

EMILY:  ...when they found him in the back of Wilson's Bakery...naked...with fifteen other men.

[COSMO:  There were others involved.]

(HARRY looks surprised)

JANET:  (to her father) Mexicans.

(HARRY appears disgusted, and starts to walk away)

[NATION:  Don't get tense.]
[COSMO:  I'm not getting tense.]

HARRY:  I'm gonna catch up on a few jobs that need doing outside.

[MALE ANNOUNCER (voice-over on television)We'll return to Dentonvale after this important message.]

EMILY:  You shouldn't have said that.

JANET:  But why?

EMILY:  Your father doesn't like Mexicans.

(Fade to dim.  END OF SCENE)

(Music starts for the song "Thank God I'm A Man".  For this scene, Janet's father, HARRY, walks around the set, up the aisles, etc, singing entirely to the audience.  Various cast and crew from the show sing backup.  As crew members sing back-up, they remove the table, chairs, and TV/cart from previous scene.  EMILY and JANET have exited the set.)

HARRY: (singing)
        A man should call the toss, wear the pants, and be the boss
        A man should be the drake for his own damn sake
        And men should be the misters and the masters of their sisters
        A man should be the reason for a heart to break
        A man should cut the lawn, change a tire, mend the worn
        A man should never wait to oil a rusting gate
        Men should hold the key positions in our country's great traditions
        A man should put the food upon the family plate

CAST & CREW: (singing)
        So immoral, the world, fair and square is best
        Let me alert you that virtue won't hurt you or desert you
        If you wear hair on your chest
        So always remember to follow the rules
        Box clever
        And jock's never

HARRY:  (singing)
        Hock another jock's tools
        A man should wax a car, fix a fuse, and tend a bar
        A man should like his brow to be wet with sweat
        Men should know the right occasions to indulge in tax evasions
        A man should know the settings that his spark plugs get
        Faggots are maggots
        Thank god I'm a man.


(When the lights come up, we see two sets light up: Stage left is Betty's office, while Stage right is the Dentonvale conference room.  The next seen plays back and forth to each set.  In Betty's office, we see Betty and Oliver sitting there in casual conversation.  Eventually, Ralph and Macy will enter Betty's office, but in the meantim...)

Bert:   What a meal!  Scrumptious mine leibeling.  I insist on the recipe.

Nation: Coming from a gourmet that's praise indeed...but... (whispering)'s a secret.

Cosmo:  With Fast Food Farley at the helm it'll probably be TV dinners from now on.

Bert:   Farley is already a TV winner as we shall see.  Dentonvale will run forever now that his interests has embraced mental hygiene.

Nation: Our field.

Oliver: You know I'm convinced that its some kind of conspiracy.

Betty:  Conspiracy?

Oliver: Mm-hmm.

Betty:  That sounds a little far fetched.

Oliver: Oh I don't know.  Remember Lieutenant Orpheous?  He disappeared into that underworld series and never came back.

Betty:  Sounds like my husband.  he never came back either.  (OLIVER laughs)  Not after Flavors gave him a commercial break.

Oliver: Ah yes, Farley flavors.  You know I find it remarkable that his Faith Factory is being financed by an entire nations indigestion.

Bert:   (Passing out a couple of printed "scripts" to his companions)  Who do you think gave you the next episode? So that Janet will be free to front line the new Faith Factory Show.

Cosmo:  We're the experts.

Bert:   Who trusts experts?

Nation: Why Janet?

Bert:   Everyone loves the girl next door.  Particularly Farley.

Nation: So it seems.  (BERT and NATION burst out laughing, while COSMO seems worried)

Betty:  (Laughing as a knock sound is heard)  Come in...

Ralph:  Oh, hi.

Oliver: Hi.

Betty:  Hi.

Ralph:  (Handing her an unsealed envelope, and sounding very "fake" in his voice)  Oh, I just came to give you this Betty.

Betty:  (Equally fake in voice) Oh, well thank you...

Ralph:  You're welcome

Macy:   (Entering, joinging in the fake routine) Hi.

Oliver: Hi.

Ralph:  Hi.

Betty:  Hi.

Ralph:  Oh we'd better get going.  Tomorrow's the big one and Farley expects.

Oliver: Oh, you bet.

Ralph:  Uh huh.

Oliver: Uh huh.

Ralph:  I guess we'd better leave you young things to it.

Betty:  Bye.

Oliver: Bye.

Macy:   Bye.

Ralph:  (Exiting with Macy)  Bye.

Oliver: Bye.

Betty:  (Shouting so that Ralph can hear her)  Oh Ralph...

Ralph:  Yes?

Betty:  Shove it!

Ralph:  Oh, you shove it too Betty!

{Betty slams the door and walks back to her seat}

Betty:  Alimony is just another word for rape.  (BETTY reads the contents of the envelope)  Conspiracy is right! The Denton Dossier is...

Oliver:  (Guessing how it ends)  ...closed.

Betty:  (gasping)  I bet that Macy Struthers had a hand in this.

Oliver: Uh huh.

Betty:  We'll probably be replaced by an hour of fashion tips.

Oliver: Now Betty, don't over react.

Betty:  Over react?  You're the one with theories about conspiracies.  (Suddenly she gets an idea)  Oliver?

Oliver: Yes Betty?

Betty:  Are you spoken for this evening?

(PROJECTION SCREEN shows the words "Dentonvale".  The announcer suddenly announces, "Dentonvale, special guest star, Janet Majors")  (As announcer is saying this, all actors on stage stop talking, as though they hear the announcer over the speakers.  They all look at Janet who is approaching the conference room.  In disgust, BETTY and OLIVER get up and leave)

Cosmo & Nation:  (simultaniously)   Janet!

Janet:   I've come to see Brad.

Nation: That's out of the question.  He's sleeping like a baby.

Cosmo:  Its you we're concerned about Janet.

Nation: Yes Janet.  How are you?  Are you happy?

Janet:  Well... I'm happy.

Cosmo:  There are countless people in this world Janet who believe that they're happy

Nation: But they only think that they're happy.

Janet:  Oh well that doesn't make any sense.

Bert:   This might, Janet.  (He motions to center stage where Farley has taken a stand, facing the audience)

Farley: (to the audience)  And a big Denton welcome to my new delegation.  This is Farley and I'm here with the score.  We're gonna package and sell some mental health for the nation.  With my dream of the girl next door.

Farley: (Singing)  Oh why aren't they doing
        Tomorrow's new dance steps
        The way they used to yesterday?
        And who draws a perfect circle anymore?
        And if your waiting for greatness
        To shake hands with you
        You'd better daydream your life away
        I've only wanted one thing and that's for sure.

COSMO & NATION:  (Singing chorus, as they join his side) Your not just looking at a fast food king
        Just another well known face
        Your not looking at the king of anything

Farley: (Chorus)  I'm gonna shoot for the moon
        I'm gonna play high noon
        I'm gonna take on the entire human race.

COSMO & NATION:  (Chorus) You're not looking at a king

Farley: You're looking at an ace!
(Then he continues to sing...)
        I've got the sight
        And I've seen the light
        And I'm gonna see the coming day
        When the sun in the sky is a spotlight just for me
        I'm gonna take some time
        And rock some rhyme
        Oh its gonna take you're breath away
        You'll be the front page rage of the age just wait and see.

COSMO & NATION:  (Chorus) Your not just looking at a fast food king
        Just another well known face
        Your not looking at the king of anything

Farley: (Singing)  We're gonna shoot for the moon
        We're gonna play high noon
        We're gonna take on the entire human race.

COSMO & NATION:  (Chorus) You're not looking at a king

Farley: (Singing)  Oh no no no no - you're looking at an ace!

COSMO & NATION:  (Chorus) You're looking at an ace!

Farley: (Singing)  You're looking at a goddamn ace!

COSMO & NATION:  (Chorus) You're looking at an ace!

Farley: (Singing)  You're looking at an ace!

COSMO & NATION:  (Chorus) You're looking at an ace!

Farley: (Singing)  You're looking at an a - a - a - a - ace!


Nation: I just love home movies.  Don't you?

Farley: (Still facing audience)  Time's tight, Janet.  Do it right, Janet.  Until tomorrow night...Janet?

Janet:  (gushing)  Well, Farley Flavors is fairly flattering but I wanna see Brad.

Nation: But the question is, Janet, does Brad want to see you?  Quite frankly he hates you.

Janet:  What do you mean?

Cosmo:  Brad is harboring deep feelings of hostility towards you, Janet.

Janet:  To me?

Cosmo:  Its classical.  Almost a textbook case.

Janet:  (weeping)  Oh no!

Cosmo:  That's an extremely negative response.

Nation: Yes Janet, leave the crying to Brad.

Janet:  Is it because I'm becoming too popular?

Bert:   On the contrary Janet.  He wants to see your ratings soar!  He needs a woman of exceptional desirability.

Nation: So you see, can help us to help him.

Janet:  (Liking the idea of being a star)  Maybe I can...

BERT:  Alright you guys.  An early start tomorrow for Janet's debut on Good Morning Denton.  By the time we unveil Farley's Faith Factory Show, we will have all earned our beauty sleep.

Janet:  Could I just peep in on Brad before I go home?

Bert:   (nervous)  Home?

Janet:  Home.

Nation: This is the nerve center of operations, Janet.  You must stay here tonight.  That way we can all be together when Mr. Sun paints us a new day with his golden brush.  (NATION produces a fake smile)

Cosmo:  And you can peep in on Brad in the morning.

Bert:   (Still nervous)  Morning?

(ANSALONG enters)

Nation: Are all the beds made up?

Ansalong: Oh yes, I plumped up all the pillows and changed up all the--

Cosmo:  (Interupting)  --Then lock up for the night.

Anslng:  (Excited, smiling)  Okay!

(FADE TO BLACK)  (Spotlight shines in the audience aisle, towards the entrance of the auditorium.  This is where we see BETTY and OLIVER standing.  If this is not possible in production to have them stand there, then have them stand as far away from the stage as possible.  If that is still not possible, then have them stand in front of the stage)  (During this dialogue betwen BETTY and OLIVER, the cast on stage exits and crew places 3 portable beds or 3 large pillows to stage front or the area in front of the stage for the next scene)

Oliver: Clever of you to find this spot Betty

Betty:  It pays to know your way around Oliver.  I thought the Home Of Happiness would give your theory a new perspective.

Oliver: A stately pleasure home indeed.

Betty:  Oh, I adore Coleridge Taylor! As a matter of fact... (BETTY reaches into her handbag purse and pulls out a book of poetry.  She fingers the pages until she finds the poem that she was searching for.  She clears her throat and begins:)
                It is an ancient mariner,
                And he stoppeth one of three
                By thy long grey beard
                And glittering eye
                Now wherefore stopp'st, thou me?

(OLIVER smiles her one of those "Oh hell, how did I get into this situation" smiles and then looks away uncomfortably)  (MUSIC begins: "Lullaby")  (During the opening music of this song, we see characters coming out to the placed beds or pillows.  The characters are dressed in pajamas, robes, etc...  Cosmo & Nation take one bed, Janet takes another bed, and Ansalong & Ricky takes the 3rd bed.  They all sing the following verses...)

Nation: I feel the heat from your skin
        And the stubble on your chin
        You're no good.

Cosmo:  You're no good.

Nation: You've got dirt on your hands
        And everybody understands
        You're no good.

Cosmo:  Mmm...You're no good.

Nation: Oh, what a joke!

Cosmo:  What a joke!

Nation: You feel like choking
        You play for broke

Cosmo:  You play for broke

Nation: He'll leave you smoking

Cosmo:  Oh, romance is not a children's game

Nation: But you keep going back.
        Its driving you insane.

Janet:  Drift into
        The Treacle deep
        Slip into its silent depths
        With your every thane akimbo
        Float into the sandman's limbo.

Ansalong:   Night night.

Ricky:  Night night.

Ansalong: Its time for bye bye.
        Its been a great day, thanks a heap.
        Now its time for every one to go to sleep.

ALL:  Night night
        Its time for bye bye.
        Its been a great day, thanks a heap.
        Now its time for every one to go to sleep.

(END OF SONG)  (LIGHTS FADE ON BEDS)  (SPOLIGHT SHOWS BRAD IN WHEELCHAIR FOR A FEW SECONDS as the police man approaches him near the end of the song).  (POLICEMAN whispers to Brad, showing him a dead bird in his hand.  BRAD is too drugged to respond.  The POLICEMAN leaves BRAD's side and walks up the aisle to meet BETTY and OLIVER.  OLIVER is asleep, but BETTY is still reading poetry out loud)

Betty:  He went like one
        That hath been stunned
        And is of sense forlorn.
        A sadder and a wiser man
        He rose the morrow morn.

Cop:    Does this bird belong to you?

{Betty shrieks in terror and throws her book.  FADE TO BLACK.  END OF ACT ONE)