Stage Adaptation

-- ACT 2 --

by Donny O'Bryan
Based on story and characters created by Richard O'Brien and
depicted through the motion picture Shock Treatment.


(To begin this act, all the beds/pillows have been removed from previous scene...except for one: Janet's bed.  Next to the bed, to the left, is a make-shift wall.  Perhaps a dressing-divider used by the older generation.)

(As the lights come up, we see Janet has awakened, and already showered.  She is wearing a bathrobe.  In her hand, she has a towel, which she dries her hair with.  As this occurs, Bert approaches from left and notices Janet.  He hides behind the divider wall, taking "peeks" at Janet whenever he can.  In doing this, he raises his "blind man" eyeglasses to rest on his forehead, allowing the audience to understand that he is really NOT blind, but it is merely an act.  NOTE:  For costume purposes, the actress portraying JANET should be wearing the "little black dress" underneith the bathrobe.)

Bert: Janet?  Are you decent, Janet?

(JANET cannot see Bert.  She starts to remove her robe but stops when she hears NATION enter from left side)

Nation: Hoopla Bert!  Nice to see you up an about.  Mac's waiting in the wardrobe, Janet.

Janet: (smiling) Uh-huh!

(Nervously, BERT replaces his dark eyeglasses to his face)

Nation: {to Bert} Care to join me in an on-set snack?

(BERT & NATION exit left.  Enter COSMO from right.  As COSMO enters, stage hand will remove bed/pillow, towel and wall divider from set.  COSMO goes to his desk, where we see a pair of women's stilletos and women's hat.  These props will be used as accessories to Janet's "Little Black Dress" in the upcoming song.  When JANET sees COSMO, she follows him to his desk.)

Janet:  Good morning.  I wanna see Brad.

Cosmo:  Look at yourself.  You're beautiful.  The most desirable creature that ever walked.

Janet:  Oh, if only Brad could have found it within himself to say those things to me.

Cosmo:  He will.  But its up to you to re-awaken his feelings.  Farley's given you that chance.  You can use the "Breakfast Show" to knock Denton dead.

Janet:  Do you really think so?

Cosmo:  Everybody needs you.

Janet:  (In thought) Hmm.  But what'll I do?  What'll I say?

Cosmo:  Hmm?

Janet:  What'll I wear?

Cosmo:  Aha!

(SONG BEGINS: "Little Black Dress".  COSMO, BERT, NATION, and JANET sing this song...)

Cosmo:  Ever since I was a little boy
        Dressing up has always been my greatest joy
        But when its time to be discreet
        There's one thing you just can't beat
        And that's a strapless backless classical little black dress.
        Well first you go rip rip rip,
        Then you go snip snip snip
        Then you whip in a zip zip zip
        And split it up to the hip hip hip
        And as you strip strip strip
        You shiver, quiver for that soft caress
        As you slip slip slip
        Into that little black dress.

(BERT and NATION are standing in front of the set.  They stand in front of KIRK's coffee push cart.  KIRK hands a donut to NATION who accepts it.  When KIRK offers a donut to BERT, he shuns the offer, opting to, instead, pull out a small jar from his pocket, full of caviar.  NOTE: This prop can easily be done with a small jar of blackberry preserves, with a "fake" label attatched to its surface)

Nation: (spoken) Ah, hoopla!

Bert:   Ever since I was the eina kliena heiren
        It was the cordon bleu
        For which I am most caring
        And the one taste treat so sweet
        That really can't be beat
        Is what we have ya, how you are, caviar, that little black mess!

(JANET has removed the robe and put on the pumps and hat.  She and COSMO join BERT & NATION.  When BERT, NATION & KIRK see JANET they are amazed at her transition from housewife to superstar!)

Cosmo:  (spoken) Hey!  Wa-lah!

Janet:  Well first you go rip rip rip
        Then you go snip snip snip
        Then you whip in a zip zip zip
        Split it up to the hip hip hip
        {Janet gets up on the table and starts dancing and breaking things}
        Then as you strip strip strip
        You quiver, shiver for that soft caress
        As you slip slip slip
        Into that little black dress.
        That minimal
COSMO, BERT, NATION:  Minimal...
JANET:  Criminal
JANET:  Siniful...Little black dress!

(KIRK pushes the cart away as he exits)

Nation: (spoken) Lets face it, Mac, that basic black is coming back

Bert:  (spoken) Lets face it, Mac, that basic black is coming back

BERT & NATION:  (spoken)  Lets face it, Mac, that basic black is coming back!

Janet:  That minimal
COSMO, BERT, NATION:  Minimal...
JANET:  Criminal
JANET:  Siniful...Little black dress!


(All crew members and cast have, by this point, entered the stage and surrounding area to view Janet's amazing transformation.  At the end of the song, they all clap vigorously)

Neely:  Oh, Janet, I can't tell you how excited I am.  For you!  We've got the band and dancers and dry ice standing by.  Betty Hapshadt is indisposed so Macy'll have to do the introductions.

Janet:  Oh I don't need introductions.

(Cast and crew exit the stage so JANET can begin.  IMAGE PROJECTION: "On The Air."  MACY steps up to the center stage and clears her throat.  Then, with a fake smile, she thinks of something to say...)

Macy:  The fabulous.  The golden.  The very wonderful.

OFFSTAGE VOICES in a harmonic tone:  Janet, Janet, Janet!

Betty: (Coming down the aisle.  She has arrived late.  OLIVER travels behind her)  I knew it!


Janet:  There's just the two of me
        Alone at last together
        We've got the luck so far
        We are my lucky star
        Deep in the heart of me
        I love every part of me
        All I can see in me
        Is the danger and ecstasy
        One thing there couldn't be
        Is any more me in me
        This is the me of me
        Me me me!
        Me me
        Me me me
        Me me me
        I am my destiny.
        Je croie en toujour en moi.  Ha ha!
        I'd never lie to me.
        I'd be willing to die for moi.
        I'll pray every day to me.
        And here's what I'd says to me
        This is the me of me
        Me me me!
        Me me
        Me me me
        Me me me
        Me me me
        Oh, me me
        Me me me
        Oh, me me
        Look at me
        Moi Moi!

(SONG ENDS.  The crew returns with heavy applause.  As it dies down, they scatter...)

Macy:   And, you can see and hear Janet tonight on Faith Factory, brought to you by Farley Flavors.

Bert:   Out of self came selflessness

Nation: You revealed yourself, the real you, the secret you.

Cosmo:  And you liked what you saw.  Didn't you, Janet?

Janet:  Well, I--

Betty:  (Interrupting)  How's Brad?

Janet:  Oh well if he caught my act he'll be looking good!  It seems I'm his medicine so we're off to give him another spoonful.  Check ya later, Betty.  Gotta freshen up.

(To the side, we see KIRK with his push cart.  He is offering coffee and donuts still.  Standing in front of KIRK is JANET's parents, EMILY and HARRY.  They are starting to feel like one of the celebrities since they are seen hanging out with the cast and crew on the set.)

Kirk: Gee, how 'bout that?  Janet was a knockout!

Emily:  Thank you.

Kirk:  Yeah, she was terrific.  Sexy!

Harry:  What?!

Kirk: At the same time, fresh, untouched, you know.  Hey, how's Brad?

HARRY AND EMILY:    He's fine.

Kirk:   Lucky dog, with a pretty girl like that for a wife. (KIRK offers the sugar bowl to HARRY)

Harry:  Yeah, he sure is.  No sugar.  Thanks Kirk. (HARRY and EMILY exit as BETTY and OLIVER approach)

Kirk: Well I'll sugar his daughter's...

Betty:  Coffee Kirk.  I'm dying for it.

(BETTY reaches out for a cup, but KIRK pulls away rudely and starts to exit)

Kirk:    R.I.P. Betty.  Your off the air.  (KIRK exits)

Betty:  (Walking up to her desk, stage left.  There is a file cabinet next to her desk.  It has a key lock on it) What's happening here?  Janet's on the breakfast show.  (She attempts to open the cabinet but it is locked)  Brad's committed to a nowhere series and we've been...  (She pulls harder a couple more times, but to no use.  The file cabinet won't open.)

Oliver: (Finishing her sentence)  ...written out?


(IMAGE PROJECTION: "Dentonvale")

(Suddenly the lights brighten around the front of the stage where BRAD is sitting in a wheel chair.  He wears a straight jacket and his mouth is gagged with a wrap-around hankerchief, tied in the back.  Next to BRAD stand Janet's parents, EMILY and HARRY)

ANNOUNCER VOICE:  Dentonvale, The Mission of Mercy.  Starring the increasingly popular Janet Majors!

Janet:  Hi Mommy!  Hi Daddy!  Hi Brad, I've just come to tell you how fabulous I am.

Brad:   (Muffled through the gag)  Janet!

Emily:  Janet!  Where's that lovely dress I made you?

Janet:  Oh, well Mac just whipped up this little crowd pleaser.

Harry:  Why, you're practically naked!

Janet:  Well I can't wear anything under it Daddy.  It would spoil the line.

Brad:   (Muffled)  Spoil the line?!

Emily:  My God, Janet.  How can you say such things?  Look at Brad.  Look what they've done to him.

(Suddenly COSMO, NATION, BERT, ANSALONG and RICKY enter.  RICKY hold a camera with a flash built in it...)

Cosmo:  Ah! Janet's parents?

Harry:  Are you the doctor?

Cosmo:  Yes.

Harry:  There's gonna have to be an investigation

Cosmo:  Oh?

Harry:  There are regulations against this sort of thing

Janet:  Its for his own good.

Bert:   (Seemingly caught by surprise as he hear's JANET's voice)  Hoopla, Janet!

Janet:  (Speaking in a hollywood "fake" tone) Bert! Sweetheart! Oh, its fabulous to see you!

Harry:  What's going on here?

Bert: (to JANET)  I adore that color!

Cosmo:  The patient was in great danger of doing himself a mischief.

Nation: We only want what's best for him.  As parents, you must understand...

Harry:  No.  No, I don't.  Brad doesn't need to be trussed up like a turkey.  There are drugs to keep him quiet.

Nation: We used them, all of them.

Emily:  And none of them worked?

Nation: No.

Harry:  Then double the strength.

Nation: We did.

Cosmo:  We know our job.

Nation: We also know how you feel.  We're no strangers to confusion.

Emily:  We're not confused.

Harry:  Well I am, goddamn it!  (to JANET) You trust Brad with this crowd pleaser?

(SONG BEGINS: "Shock Treatment".  COSMO, NATION, and ANSALONG sing the verses.  By the end of the song, everyone except BRAD and RICKY jump in to sing the chorus.  They can't because Brad is gagged and Ricky is too busy taking pictures...)

(NOTE TO DIRECTOR:  The character of RICKY can be ommmited if necessary from this scene as he has no spoken lines and serves only to take photographs, which is not necessary for the plot in any way.)

(They start singing...)

Cosmo:  I'm not a locum with motives to suture myself
        I've been a cynic for too many years
        Playing doctor and nurse
        It can't be good for your health
        I've seen clinics, with those gimmicks
        In Tangiers.

Nation: But if you open your heart to a smooth operator
        He'll take you for all that you've got
        He'll hand you a curse that'll be with you later
        It'll shake ya the way he takes off
        Like a shot.

Cosmo:  You need a bit of...ooh Shock Treatment
        Yes you're jumping like a real live wire.
        You need a bit of...ooh Shock Treatment
        So look out mister,  don't you blow your last resistor
        For a vista that'll mystify ya!

Ansalong: You're blinded by romance you're blinded by science.
        You're condition is critically grave.
        But don't expect mercy from such and alliance.
        Suspicion of traditions so new wave.

Cosmo:  You need a bit of...ooh Shock Treatment
        Yes you're jumping like a real live wire.
        You need a bit of...ooh Shock Treatment
        So look out mister,  don't you blow your last resistor
        For a vista that'll certify ya!  fy ya, fy ya, fy ya!

(As the cast dances and laughs --except BRAD, of course-- BETTY and OLIVER peek onto stage from far stage right.)

Betty:  Look at that!  Bert Schnik's dancing!  Bert can see!

Oliver: Macabre, isn't it?  The blind leading the blind.


(Just as the song ends, BETTY and OLIVER hide, out of sight, perhaps off stage, because crew members have walked onto the set.  One of them even pulls down BRAD's gag to kiss BRAD on the mouth.  That crew member laughs and walks off the set, forgetting to pull the gag back to BRAD's mouth.  Brad keeps quiet and watches what happens...)

Ralph:  Welcome to the Faith Factory rehearsal.

Janet:  Thank you.

Ralph:  We're all really excited about tonight.

Janet:  Oh!  Do I get one of those?  (She is referring to a painting of Farley Flavors being carried by...)

Ralph:  Uh, yes.  Yes of course you do.

Janet:  (Again, in hollywood "fake" tone, she speaks to the audience)  Hi kids, Hi.  Oh really?  (etc...)

Ralph:  Macy, why don't you take Janet and help her freshen up before the rehearsal?

Macy:   Sure.

Neely:  Listen Ralph,  I just want to interview Janet.  If I don't, there's going to be trouble!

Ralph:  Later Neely,  okay?

(BRENDA and FRANCINE and other crew members approach Janet before she is taken away)

FRANCINE:  Ralph, you promised me an introduction.

(JANET exits with MACY, COSMO and NATION)

Ralph:  Later, Francine.

FRANCINE: {upset}  Frankie!

Ralph:  Bert, could you spare a moment?

Bert: Of course.

(Up at BETTY's desk, which has now doubled as a dressing room vanity, sits JANET.  The make-up and hair stylist has sat her down to fix her up...  NEELY shouts up to her)

Neely:  Janet a quick word.  Could you tell our viewers what exactly you will be representing tonight?

Janet:  Uh ... (MACY whispers the answer into JANET's ear)  Sanity For Today.

(CREW applauds)

Neely:  (To the audience) And that's the word from Janet Majors,  DTV's newest star.  (NEELY drops her fake smile and starts to exit.  She quickly addresses tbe crew)  Okay guys, lets move on.

Ralph:  How's Brad?

Bert:   He's a wreck.

Ralph:  Check.  The quacks are willing tools?

Bert:   Ah,  the quacks are fools.

Ralph:  Y'know, I wouldn't mind doing Janet one or two favors! (RALPH raises his eye brows twice and flashes a pervert's smile)

Bert:   Its time to check with Flavors.

(EVERYONE exits except for BRAD, still sitting center stage to the front...  COSMO and NATION are going through bottles of pills, examining them carefully, as they sit at COSMO's desk.  Meanwhile, JANET is still being prepped over at BETTY's desk.)

(SONG STARTS: "Carte Blanche..."  This song is entirely on piano, rather softly and gentle.  Brad sings the first verse in a normal tone, then repeats the verse over and over, in softer tone until JANET's verse comes in to finish the song.  The song should have a sad feel to it.)

BRAD: (singing)  Carte Blanche is like an avalanche
        She kind of snow balls and sets you free.  Oh ... oh...
                      (REPEAT OVER AND OVER, in quiet tone as the remaining actor say their lines:)

COSMO:   Is there anything else you'd like Janet?

JANET:  Yeah, a new carpet.  I hate the color.  Don't you?

Nation: Its only one night, Janet.  Don't forget who we're doing this for.

Janet:  Who?

Cosmo:  Brad.

Janet:  Y'know, I'm getting awfully sick of hearing about that emotional cripple.  I've got a lot going for me.  I'm going places.  I'm gonna be someone.  I'm gonna win my way into the lives and hearts of the people even if I have to kill to do it.  I'll make the pathetic little crones love me.  I don't even know why I'm wasting my time here with you I should be with my people!

(JANET stands at desk and waves at crew members and audience members.  Meanwhile, NATION and COSMO select some pills and put a few into a drink made especially for JANET)

FRANCINE:   Hey Janet!

BRENDA:  Girl, you're great.

Janet:  (fake cheerful tone)  Oh, well thanks...

FRANCINE:  Hi, my name's Frankie.

BRENDA:   Francine!

FRANCINE:  And I think you're beautiful.

Brenda: Hi.  I'm Brenda.  (BRENDA points out other crew members)  This is my brother Oscar and this is our friend Glitch Davidson.

BAND MEMBER:  Janet we really enjoyed being on the breakfast show with you this morning. . .

(As JANET waves and smiles in her hollywood manner, NATION steps over to JANET's side and hands her the drink.  Janet drinks it down quickly.  The CREW applauds wildly.  One crew member notices BRAD's gag is under his chin so they replace it back to his mouth)

Nation: This is Janet.  She's a phenomenon.

Janet:  (Singing)  So if you're looking for a standard to which you can aspire
        Then baby
        Look at me!
        Oh oh oh!
        Look at me!


(JANET nearly collapses from the dizzy effects of the pills slipped into her drink.  NATION and COSMO catch her.  They guide her away)

Nation: I think you need a little rest.  You've got a big night ahead of you.

FRANCINE:  Your clothes are real neat...


ANNOUNCER VOICE:  Reminder, wardrobe check for Faith Factory medical outfits.

(A single spotlight emerges to the farthest left stage.  In the spotlight we see RALPH and MACY.  They are smiling for the audience.  They both wear new outfits designed specifically for the Faith Factory Show.  NEELY, carrying a microphone, is interviewing them as she stands next to them)

Macy:   (referring to the new outfits)  Aren't they great?  But getting back to Faith Factory, all in all it looks like an exciting new series for us.

Ralph:  Yes, and a attractive financial prospect for Denton.

Neely:  And fashion wise?

(Once again, BETTY and OLIVER peek out from stage right.  A spotlight shines on them for the audience's benefit only)

Betty:  What did I tell you?

Macy:   Well, I can just say that Faith Factory will be introducing a new look.  It will show off one or two old faces in an exciting new light.

Neely:  Really?  Sounds interesting.

Betty:  Did you hear that, Oliver?

Oliver: Yes, Betty.  The false promise of a new dawn usually leads to a most bloody sunset.

Ralph:  No, I don't know what Janet's next move will be, but you can be sure of one thing, it all starts right here.

Neely:  Thank you.  And that's the word from Ralph Hapshadt and Macy Struthers.

(Their spotlight drops to black for their exit, leaving only BETTY and OLIVER's spotlight shown.  Since the coast is clear, they cross into the main set, walking stage left)

Betty:  Oh Oliver.

Oliver: Hmm?

Betty:  What are we going to do?

Oliver: Care to indulge?

Betty:  Indulge?

Oliver: Uh-huh.  In a little masquerade.

Betty:  (catching on) Oh...  (They both continue off to the left until they exit stage left)  (The set is now black --except for...)

(IMAGE PROJECTION:  "Dentonvale")

ANNOUNCER VOICE:  Dentonvale:  Parental Predicament...

(The lights come up.  We see BRAD gagged still in his wheelchair, front and center.  Standing next to him are Janet's parents, EMILY and HARRY)

Emily:  Harry, what are we gonna do?

Harry:  I don't know, Emily.  I'm worried.  Maybe I can wear those black leather brogues.

Emily:  Too flashy.  They'll clash with the new outfits.

(BRAD, feeling really dizzy from drugs he has taken, moans.  His head swoons)

Emily:  Alright, Brad, dear.  Have another sedative.  We'll miss you on the show tonight.  (She pulls back the gag and pours some pills into his mouth.  She replaces the gag)

Harry:  And don't worry, Brad.  I'll be back (HARRY and EMILY exit stage left)  What about those Italian loafers I bought in Hawaii?

(BRAD moans and his head flops forward, passed out...)

(MUSIC BEGINS.  The song is "Looking For Trade")

(JANET enters from right in her little black dress.  She strikes a pose to the audience as she addresses BRAD)

Janet:  I've just come to tell you how fabulous I am.

(BERT is sitting at BETTY's desk...)

Bert:   Face it Janet.  Brad's an emotional cripple.

(COSMO and NATION sit at their office desk)

Cosmo:  Quite frankly...

Nation: He hates you  (sinister laughter from NATION and COSMO)

(IMAGE PROJECTION:  Farley's face)

FARLEY'S VOICE:  Time's tight, Janet
        Do it right Janet
        Until tonight - Janet?

(VIDEO PROJECTION:  Brad's face saying: "I've just come to tell you how fabulous I am" --of course, this is mocking Janet's previous statement)

(SONG BEGINS:  "Looking for Trade".  JANET sings to Brad.  But first, she pulls down his gag from his mouth.  As she sings the song, BERT, COSMO and NATION exit) (During the song, crew members dance with Janet in a choreographed routine) (JANET sings most of the song, but BRAD jumps into it here and there around each chorus...)

Janet:  I'm on a cull de sac
        And I gotta go back
        So come on feet
        We're gonna hit the streets
        We've got it made
        I'm looking for trade

Brad:  I'm looking for love

Janet:  I'm looking for trade.
        I need some young blood
        I need some young blood
        I need it now.
        I need some young blood
        I need some young blood
        And I'm gonna get it somehow.
        I'm on a dead end street
        I'm like a dog in heat
        I'm like a kid with no toys
        I wanna get those boys
        Ooh I can't delay
        I'm looking for trade.

Brad:   I'm looking for love

Janet:  I'm looking for trade.
        Oh were all living like there's no tomorrow
        And the way things are going that's probably true
        But without you and me sis
        The world would fall to pieces
        Vena Cava whos the raver?

CREW:  Our raving savior that's you

Janet:  I'm on a primrose path
        I'm looking for a little laugh
        Remember its no fun
        To be the chosen one.
        There are games to be played
        Looking for trade.

Brad:   I'm looking for love

Janet:  I'm looking for trade.
        I need some young blood
        I need some young blood
        I need it now.
        Oh, I need some young blood
        I need some young blood
        And I'm gonna get it somehow.
        I'm looking for trade.

(FADE TO BLACK -- END OF SONG)  (When lights come up, BRAD is no longer on the set.  Where he had sat in his wheelchair, we now see JANET, passed out on the ground.)

Nation: Janet?  Janet?  Wake up Janet.  You've got guests.  You can come in now!

{The crew enters, including the band who have played the songs during this stageshow}

Brenda: Hi Janet!

Francine:    How are you feeling?

Janet: (hangover headache)  Who are you?

Oscar:  The band!

Janet:  Do you have any friends?

Oscar:  Sure.

Janet:  You won't have soon.  What are you called -  your band?

Glitch: Oscar Drill and the Bits.

{Janet passes out with a "good grief" expression on her face.  FADE TO BLACK)

(Entering from Stage Left, and eventually exiting on stage right, are OLIVER and BETTY.  They are dressed as a doctor and nurse, respectively.)  (They are lit entirely by a single spotlight as they walk)

Oliver: Betty, its imperative we get Janet out of Farley's fast fingers and Brad out of that hell hole, before they both disappear forever.

Betty:  I don't mind telling you Oliver, I'm not looking forward to this.

Oliver: If only I could place that name.  McKinley.

Betty:  It was a president.

Oliver: Presidents.  Past presidents.  Betty, this is beginning to add up.

Betty:  Really?  (displaying her name tag) What do I pin this on?

Oliver: Faith Betty.  But make sure its your own.

(BETTY and OLIVER exit stage right.  as a new spotlight shines on BETTY's desk.  There, we can see FARLEY, NEELY, and VANCE the COP.  Farley is adjusting his tie and touching up his hair.)

NEELY:   In a hurry Mr. Flavors?

Cop: There's a little lady he doesn't want to keep waiting.  And a date.

NEELY:  Who is it Mr. Flavors?

Farley: The past.


(SONG BEGINS: "Look What I Did To My ID")  (Singers/dancers in the song are: HARRY, EMILY, COSMO, NATION, RICKY, ANSALONG, MACY, and RALPH)  (They begin singing...)

Emily:  Like a virgin, with an urgin, in a surgery
        I'll be swinging, I'll be bringing out the nurse in me.

Harry:  The art will start when I play my part
        As a healer who will steal your heart

HARRY and EMILY:    Oh look what I did to my ID.
        Oh look what I did to my ID.

Cosmo:  With neurosis in perfusion

Nation: And psychosis in your soul

Cosmo:  Eliminate confusion

COSMO and NATION:   And hide inside a brand new role.

Macy:   Like a good time girl I'm gonna try some new tricks

Ralph:  This could be the start of a whole new career

Macy:   Got a deep plumb lipstick and some therapeutics

Ralph:  This could take us to a town that's nowhere near here.

ANSALONG: Got some heartfelt symptoms and I'm feeling sneaky

Ricky:  Young male intern tall and handsome

ANSALONG: Got my hems so high they'll think I'm being cheeky.

Ricky:  Legs like mine were really made for dancing

All:  Oh oh oh!  Hey hey hey!

COSMO & NATION:    When heavens in the music
        Hell is in control.
        The angel's got the voices
        But the Devil's got rock and roll!

All:    We may look we're phony medics
        But we took our look from a book by Frederick's
        Oh look what I did to my ID - ID!.
        Look what I did to my ID.

(SONG ENDS)  (JANET has appeared, sitting behind COSMO's desk.  She seems to be weeping.)

Janet:  Oh Brad.

Nation: (Approaching her)  He's an emotional cripple remember?  Even he wouldn't like to see you like this.

Ralph:   How is she?  Well, come on.  Farley's expecting her any minute.  (RALPH notices the band watching from a short distance)  You guys get your asses in front of those cameras and try and earn yourselves a reputation, okay?  Well, move!

BAND MEMBER:  These are for you Janet. (Places pills on the desk)

BAND MEMBER:   They'll make you keel a whole lot better.



Nation: Amateurs.

(NATION tosses the pills away, and provides JANET with different pills, tossing them into Janet's mouth and forcing her mouth shut)  (NATION leads JANET away, to the right)  (To the left, BETTY, in nursing disguise, sneaks over to her desk, and pulls out a hairpin from her hair, which she uses to pry open the lock of the file cabinet)  (Meanwhile, up front near the audience, FRANCINE and BRENDA give the audience some cheers.  Crew members passing through the set help out on the Audience Responses)











CHEERLEADERS:  We can't hear you!

CREW / AUDIENCE:   Awww!!!

(Meanwhile, back at the file cabinet, BETTY removes a file and reads its contents...)

Betty:  Oh my God!  Character actors?  (Further reading of files)  What's this?  Brad and Farley are brothers?  Oh Oliver.  This is one time charity didn't begin at home.

ANNOUNCER VOICE:  Ladies and gentlemen,  the studio band will soon be here to entertain you in anticipation of tonight's premiere taping of Farley Flavor's Faith Factory!

Neely:  (To the Audience)  And so if you're a follower of exotic trends in fashion, you'll find plenty to keep you going here tonight.  And naturally feeling the excitement, and not wanting to stick out like a sore thumb, I had to get a little outfit of my own together.  And this is it.  (NEELY displays new outfit while crew members whistle and cheer and clap)

Ralph:  (To the Audience)  Ladies and gentlemen,  to help get you in the mood for Faith Factory, DTV proudly presents Denton's own (Suddenly RALPH reads his index card and realizes the printed introduction doesn't flow with what he started with, but he continues anyway)  --with a suburban garage sound, lets hear it for Oscar Drill and The Bits!

(SONG BEGINS: "Breaking Out")  (OSCAR DRILL is the main singer...)

Oscar:  (singing)  I know how it feels
        To be cooling my heels
        I've been down on them
        Long enough
        But if I stay to them now
        Then maybe somehow
        You'll see through the bluff
        I'm not playing it tough
        I've been a lifetime on deposit
        And that's a long time in the closet
        And if you say to me
        How was it?
        It was hard taking
        That heart breaking
        God forsaken route.
        But I'm
        Buh da, buh, buh, buh da
        Breaking out!
        You may say that you choose
        To be in my shoes
        Well look what it
        Did for me
        I got buried alive
        I don't thrive on that jive
        Look and you'll see
        That the spikes don't fit me
        I've been a lifetime on deposit
        And that's a long time in the closet
        And if you say to me
        How was it?
        It was hard taking
        That heart breaking
        God forsaken route.
        But I'm
        Buh da, buh, buh, buh da
        Breaking out!
        Breaking out!
        Breaking out!
        Breaking out!
        Breaking out!



(Spotlight stage right, moving left, following the motions of FARLEY and NEELY as they walk.  She holds a microphone, mid-interview...)

Farley: She represents everything our customers want:  Innocence, decency, and the allusion of a happy ending.  And, behind her image, take away therapy will thrive under the capable hands of two great ethical intellects, operating on the frontiers of medical science.  Huh? Huh? Under the firm guidance of a great survivor in the treacherous sea of diplomacy, our own Bert Schniks. Now, lets get thisshow on the road!

Neely:  Mr. Flavors.  One more question...

Farley: Sure thing.

Neely:  We've heard rumors that you're going to unveil more than just a new series tonight.  Is this true?

Farley: Absolutely correct.

Neely:  Could you tell us a little more about it?

Farley: Well lets just say, we're planning on putting sanity back on the national menu.

(LIGHTS UP on BETTY's desk, where we see JANET is getting make up applied by a crew member.  She looks doped up from drugs, half out of it...)

Neely:  And how does local girl Janet Majors fit into the scheme of things?

Farley: (Watching JANET)  Very nicely.

Janet:  (She stares back at Farley)  Brad?  (JANET's spotlight fades to black)

(FARLEY and NEELY exit to the left...  Meanwhile, from the right, BETTY and OLIVER push BRAD's wheelchair to the left.  He is no longer gagged, and no longer do his straight jacket arms bind him.)

OLIVER:  We've got to find Janet before it is too late!

Brad:   Where are we going?

Betty:  To a family reunion

Oliver:  Farley Flavors is the long lost brother you never knew about.  He grew up poor.  Struggled to get where his now.

Betty:  And he's resented you all these years.

Brad:   And Janet?

Oliver: She represents everything he's been denied.

(After they EXIT stage left, FADE TO BLACK)  (PAUSE)

(IMAGE PROJECTION: "Faith Factory")

ANNOUNCER'S VOICE:  By satellite, Farley Flavor's Faith Factory.

(LIGHTS UP on Faith Factory Set.  A Special chair is placed for Janet to sit when she enters.  On the set already are various crew members off to the sides -- and COSMO, NATION, RALPH, MACY, and BERT.  NEELY stands to the side with her microphone.  Often, characters would use the podium for speaking.)

Ralph:  Ladies and Gentlemen, Denton's own, America's pride, the world's example, Janet, the sensation of the planet.  We bring you Miss Mental Health!

(JANET enters, wearing a "Little Red Dress."  CREW applauses.  One member holds up sign that reads APPLAUSE -- or this word can be an image projection.  She sits on the new Faith Factory set.  Suggestions for set-up: Podium center stage front, chairs lined up center stage back, in front of the two desks.  Place a large chair somewhere on the stage for Janet to sit, which is unobstructed by podium)

Nation: Isn't she lovely?

Emily:  I love you baby!

Nation: She walks in beauty.

Harry:  That's my little girl!  That a girl, Janet!

Emily:  We love you baby!

Nation: We all love Janet.  Who do we love?

CREW:    Janet!

Nation: The dress Janet is wearing has been given by Creme de la Creme Modes of downtown Denton and we've been asked that you take note of the individual styling and exquisite tailoring.  This is just one of the many gifts that's so freely and generously given to Janet, the first of, we hope, many Miss Mental Healths!

(CREW applauds)

Ralph:  Ladies and Gentlemen, the President.

(SOUND EFFECT: Drum roll as though the President of the United States has arrived.  All cast members stand to attention --- when suddenly a used car salesman named IRWIN LAPSEY enters.  Every drops their smile and sits after he introduces himself)

Irwin:  Hi! I'm Irwin Lapsey, President of Lapsey Autos.  I'm holding in my hand here some keys -- Keys which I would like to give to  the little lady who is being so honored here tonight.  And I wanna tell ya, if she takes these keys she will find that they fit something And what that something is, is an almost brand new ultra deluxe eight cylinder convertible complete with radio, CD player, plush fur seat covers and many many extras.  And its all hers for absolutely free.

(CREW Applauds.  IRWIN attempts to hand the keys to JANET, who is too stoned to even recognize what is happening around her.  So COSMO quickly grabs the keys from him and edges him off stage.  IRWIN exits.)

Ralph:  Well, Janet.  Janet is absolutely speechless ladies and gentlemen.  But here's someone we do want to hear from.  A firm favorite of yours and mine.  You've reveled in his recipes.  You marveled in his marriage guidance.  The all knowing, and now all "seeing"--that's right, Bert Schniks!

(CREW applauds)

Bert:   Hoopla Denton!

CREW:  Hoopla Bert!

Bert:   Thank you, welcome.

Ralph:  What's cooking Bert?

Bert:   I'll tell you what's cooking, buddy, and I'll tell you too, you guys.  She made the blind see and it was a gift.  Who was the gift from?  Lets hear an F for...

CREW:   Farley!

Bert:  And another F for...

CREW:   Flavors!  (Applause from CREW as FARLEY enters to a pre-selected theme music)

Farley: My friends!  And you are all my friends.  My friends, tonight we are taking the first step of defiance, and starting   something that will grow so big that the whole world will reverberate with its sound.  And wherever our slogan "Sanity and vanity" is uttered, it will be linked incontrovertibly to this night, this station, and this beautiful face.

(FARLEY points to JANET, who stares blankly.  COSMO helps her to her feet.  Suddenly, from the back of the auditorium, BRAD rushes into the theater, running towards the stage.  BETTY and OLIVER follow suit behind him.  CREW MEMBERS make several gasps sounds, etc...  One CREW MEMBER will even shout things like, "Ah, it's a crazy guy!")

Brad:   Seducer!

Farley: And who are you sir?

Brad: Your twin brother and your accuser!

Janet:  (Finally come out of her trance)  Brad!

Cosmo:  Arrest that man--he's committed to our care.

Janet:  I never signed your contract.  He's not going anywhere.

Oliver: Revenge your twin.  You tried to abuse her.

Farley:  A ridiculous accusation! You force me to refuse her.

Brad:   Then why did you choose her?

Farley: Because of you sir!

(SONG BEGINS: "Duel Duet" sung entirely by BRAD and FARLEY)

Farley: You're a looser
        An abomination in the eyes of any sensitive man

Brad:   And you're a blind alley cruiser
        Always heading down a loosing strait
        Dreaming that you're screaming at fate
        You're a dead end dead beat nowhere mister
        With a kiss like a Mississippi alligator's sister

Farley: I took as much of you as any man can!
        You've lost your heart

Brad:   You've lost your cause

Farley: You lost your baby when you lost your balls!
        You've lost your mind
        You've lost your grip
        So say bye-bye!

Brad:   We lost our Mom
        We lost our Dad
        And if I'm loosing you
        Well that's too bad

Farley: Well the best thing you could ever do is die.

Brad:   You're a failure
        A malformation in the guise of many
        And all so rand

Farley: And you're a weeper and a whiner
        Always treading on the toes of the great
        Barely spreading your weight
        You're a spiteful, hateful, asinine creature
        A pupil with no scruples who's no better than the teacher

Brad:   I took as much of you as any man can!

Farley: You've lost your heart

Brad:   You've lost your cause

Farley: You lost your baby when you lost your balls!
        You lost your mind
        When you lost your grip
        So say bye-bye!

Brad:   We've lost our home
        Our family
        You've lost compassion
        Now you're loosing me.

Farley: Well the best thing you could ever do is die.

Brad:   Well the best thing you could ever do is die.

Farley: Well the best thing you could ever do is die.

(SONG ENDS)  (Revert back to speaking instead of singing...)

Farley: Take no notice of him!  He's mad.

Brad:   I'm as sane as you are.  Saner!

Cosmo:  (Hollywood smile)  And he was only with us for one day!

Bert:   (Thinking out loud)  They should be sent to the Danube at dawn.

Ralph:  What?

Bert:   Just memories.

Ralph:  I hope Mr. Flavors will accept apologies on behalf of all of Denton for this unfortunate incident.  It seems everyone wants to be related to the great.

Farley: No offense...  Offense?  On the contrary.  This is a perfect example of what we are here to combat.

(Silence on stage as every turns to look at JANET.  It is obvious she needs to take a stand.  After a brief thought, she hugs BRAD to support him instead of stardom.  CREW members and cast gasp!)

FARLEY:  Out!  out!  Out!  (He continues to chant this as the Cast and Crew join in.  BRAD, JANET, BETTY and OLIVER are escorted out, exiting stage right.  The COP is the person who pushes them forward to their exit.  Once offstage, He stand firm, not to let them back onto the stage, holding his position at the exit.  Suddenly the chanting stops and FARLEY continues)

Farley: You see the way we got rid of that dirty little dish, is the way we are going to put the rest of our house in order.  Including the upstairs!  (Farley motions to Macy, who joins his side at the podium)  Ah yes yes, Miss, you--yes.  Would you come up here please and help us to inaugurate the Farley Flavor's Faith Factory, transmitting from coast to coast and continent to continent?  You are miss, uh miss...?

Macy:   Macy.  Macy Struthers.

Farley: Macy Struthers!!!

(CREW Applauds until Farley speaks again)

Betty:  (Peeking herself over the shoulder of watchdog COP)  Who loves you, baby?!!!  (She flips Macy the middle finger.  The COP nudges her back out of sight at exit point)

Emily:  She let me down.  She let us all down!

Harry:  Shut up, Emily! And listen to a success story!

Nation: This could be worse than the old series.

Cosmo:  In the old series we never had a convertible. (COSMO shows her the keys he holds.  They both smile)

Farley: And remember, sanity today is the springboard to the hygienic  tomorrow. (FARLEY kisses MACY as the audience/CREW applauds.  Ralph frowns.)

Neely:  I can't stand it.  Everything good always happens to other people!

FARLEY:  (When the clapping stops)  Now, will you follow me down the DTV trail to Dentonvale?!!

CREW:  Dentonvale!!!  (Applauds and exit music)

Farley: (To MACY)  Thanks honey, they bought it.  Now out of the way. (to audience, with a fake political smile)  That's right!

Neely:  (Composing herself for the audience watching as she speaks into her microphone)  And fast food giant Farley Flavors has just given Miss Mental Health what can only be described as an official kiss of approval.  And the crowd are loving it as they follow her down the Dentonvale trail.  (NOTE:  Unlike the movie version, this last line should be treated as a sybolic status, not literal.)

Brad:   (Tapping on COP's shoulder)  Hey, look--they're having a party.

(Sure enough, the cast and crew have started dancing and cheering as they all exit stage left.  The cop, not wanting to be left alone, pushes Brad back to exit point and then runs stage left to exit with everyone else.  Lights remain up.  When all are gone, Brad peeks out and sees that the coast is clear.  He steps out to the set and Janet, Betty and Oliver join him.  When all are center stage, the back lights are dropped to black, leaving our 4 characters light up front near audience.  This allows the other cast members to find a designated spot at the two desks in back to sing the DENTON USA reprise near the end of the song)

(SONG BEGINS: "Anyhow, Anyhow".  Our four characters sing the remaining lines...)

Brad:   Some people do it for compassion

Janet:  Some people do it for the fashion

Brad:   Some people do it to be funny

Janet:  Some people do it for the money

Oliver: Some people do it for enslavement

Betty:  Some people do it on the pavement

Oliver: But...

All 4:  We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow
        We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow
        We're gonna do it
        No matter how the wind is blowing
        We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow
        We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow
        We're gonna do it
        We just gotta keep going

BRAD & JANET:  Some people do it for each other

BETTY AND OLIVER:  Some people do it for their lover

BRAD & JANET:  Some people do it for improvement

BETTY AND OLIVER: Some people do it for the movement

BRAD & JANET:   Some people do it for enjoyment

BETTY AND OLIVER:  Some people do it for employment

Oliver: But...

All 4:  We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow
        We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow
        We're gonna do it
        No matter how the wind is blowing

        We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow
        We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow
        We're gonna do it
        We just gotta keep going

(BACK LIGHTS UP to reveal our remaining characters, FARLEY, COSMO, NATION, BERT, etc... placed in various places around and on the two desks.  They sing the reprise of DENTON USA.  When they sing, Our FOUR good characters duck or scatter.  After the REPRISE is over, the back portion of stage will once again fade to black, and the only light will be the front of the stage, allowing our FOUR good characters to return and finish the end of the song to the end.)

ALL at Desks:   Denton, Denton, you've got no pretension
        You're where the heart is you're okay!
        Denton, Denton, you've got no pretension
        You're where the heart is you're okay!
        Denton, Denton, I'd just like to mention
        You're the acceptable face,
        Of the human race.
        You're Denton Denton USA!

All 4:  We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow
        We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow
        We're gonna do it
        No matter how the wind is blowing
        We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow
        We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow
        We're gonna do it
        We just gotta keep going
        We just gotta keep going
        We just gotta keep going

VOICEOVER FROM START OF PLAY:  (spoken)  The sun never sets on those who ride into it...

All 4:  We just gotta keep going.