Scene 13: Morning
(The scene changes to the fire exit balcony that Oliver and Betty are on. Oliver is asleep and snoring and Betty is still reading to him. The
cop is still lurking around securing the area)
Betty: He went like one
That hath been stunned
And is of sense forlorn.
A sadder and a wiser man
He rose the morrow morn.
(SHOUT/NOTE: During this final spout of poetry from Betty, one selected person in the audience should start
questioning outloud: "Has anybody seen my bird?" "I can't find my bird" etc... Other fans/audience members can
respond like, "No, I haven't" or "What's it look like?" or "Maybe you should ask Betty?" - but in the end,
someone should say, "Hey, why don't you ask that cop?" - "Hey Pig, I can't find my bird!")
(The cop brings up the lights, and then turns to Betty and Oliver, holding up a dead bird)
Cop: Does this bird belong to you?
(SHOUT: "Overact, Betty!") or
(SHOUT: "Alfred Hitchcock's The Us")
(Betty shrieks in terror and throws her book)
Scene shift to Bert's room. His white Beta alarm clock is beeping)
(SHOUT: "Time is beeping...") or
(SHOUT: "Looks like an alarm clock to me")
(We can now see Bert, still sitting on his bed)
(SHOUT: "Go to sleep, Bird Shit!")
(Bert reaches over and shuts the alarm clock off and grabs his cane. We see a picture of Dr. Freud on the nightstand near the clock)
(SHOUT: "Why does a blind man have a picture on his nightstand?") or
(SHOUT: "Is that Freud?") then
(SHOUT: "What a fraud") or
(SHOUT: "Kentucky Freud Chicken - Mother Fuckin' Good")
(Next to the picture is a medicine bottle)
(SHOUT: "Bert's on viagra")
(SHOUT: "No wonder he's up all night")
(Bert sets out to look for Janet, as he walks down the hall with his blind cane)
(SHOUT: "I told you masterbating will make you go blind!")
(First he checks her room)
(SHOUT: "Nope, utility closet") or
(Bert moves to the bathroom)
Bert: Are you decent, Janet?
(SHOUT: "Talk about your stupid questions")
(Bert enters and sees Janet in the shower. He takes off his glasses and goes in for a closer look. Janet's silhoette shows her washing her
(AP: Make fart noises with her arm motion)
(AP: Shoot waterguns)
(Nation bursts in the room as Bert moves closer to Janet's shower)
Nation: Hoopla Bert!
(SHOUT: "Fuck you, bitch")
Nice to see you up an about.
(SHOUT: "Or just Up")
Mac's waiting in the wardrobe, Janet.
(SHOUT: "And he's naked!") or
(SHOUT: "With the lion and the witch")
(We can see Janet again, still washing her armpit)
Janet: Uh huh.
(SHOUT OVER: "How long does it take to wash one fucking arm pit?!") then
(SHOUT: "One fucking scene - There are no fucking scenes in this movie!") and/or
(SHOUT: "It's a Janet marionette")
(Bert puts his glasses back on)
Nation: (to Bert) Care to join me in a non-sex act?
(SHOUT: "Don't do something I would do") or
(SHOUT: "What's the fun?")
(Scene shifts to Terminal Ward. Ansalong is leaving. Ricky has just shut Brad's cell door. Brad is gagged and screaming.)
(SHOUT: "Get that tampon out of his mouth!") or
(SHOUT: "Larry Flynt made a yummy sound")
(Scene shift to the wardrobe room. Cosmo is walking around, reading a folder.)
(SHOUT: "Michael Stipe is MacArthur")
(SHOUT: "It's a beautiful morning. Everything is beautiful. The sun is shining...")
(Cosmo passes the American Gothic painting)
(continued SHOUT: "...The air is clean, Hey wait! (referring to the painting) Wasn't that in the other movie? Oh
well, it's still a beautiful morning and I'm feeling beautiful.")
(Cosmo stops in his tracks)
(SHOUT: "Hey Cosmo, Are you feeling beautiful? What time is it?")
(Cosmo looks at his watch)
(SHOUT: "It's time to feel beautiful")
(Cosmo places his fingertips on his temple in a comic pose)
(SHOUT, as Cosmo: "I'm feeling beautiful")
(Janet steps in and looks around.)
Janet: Good morning. I wanna see Brad.
(ECHO: "I wanna be Sedated") (Ramones reference) or
(SHOUT: "Nobody ever sees Brad. Not no way, not no how")
(Cosmo steps in front of her showing her a mirror. His head is peering over the mirror top)
(SHOUT: "Brad! You're beautiful!") or
(SHOUT: "That's not Brad!") or
(SHOUT/sing: "I ain't got no body") or
(SHOUT: "It's true. The longer you are married, the more you look alike")
Cosmo: Look at yourself. You're beautiful. The most desirable creature that ever walked.
(SHOUT: "I'd hate to see the ugly one") or
(SHOUT/sing: "Here she is, Miss America")
(Cosmo's fingertips massage the edge of the mirror)
(SHOUT: "He's fingering Janet") and
(SHOUT: "Isn't that glassterbation?")
Janet: Oh, if only Brad could have found it within himself to say
those things to me.
(SHOUT: "Well, he did write it")
Cosmo: He will. But its up to you to reawaken his feelings.
(SHOUT: "With the help of Viagra")
Farley's given you that chance.
(SHOUT: "Not a community chest")
You can use the breakfast show to knock Denton dead.
(SHOUT: "Like this audience")
Janet: Do you really think so?
(SHOUT: "It worked for Katie Couric")
Cosmo: Everybody needs you.
(SHOUT/sing: "Everybody Wants You!") (Billy Squier)
Janet: Hmm. But what'll I do? What'll I say?
Janet: What'll I wear?
(SHOUT OVER: "Who sings Take On Me?")
(SHOUT/sing: "Take on me")
GO TO SCENE 14
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