The "Ultimate"
Audience Participation Script
For Shock Treatment

Scene 17: Dentonvale / Crowd Pleaser

(Scene goes back to Macy concluding the segment.)

                    (SHOUT OVER, as Betty runs down: "What's your favorite conjunction?")

Macy: And

                    (SHOUT: "Mine, too") or

                    (SHOUT: "I like BUTT")

          you can see and hear

                    (ECHO: "scratch and sniff")

          Janet tonight on Faith Factory,

                    (SHOUT: "Unless you're blind and deaf")

          brought to you by Farley Flavors.

                    (ECHO: "Pillsbury")

                    (SHOUT: "There's a smurf on Janet's face")

(Oscar approaches Janet and pats her face cheek)

                    (SHOUT: "Got it! Smurfs zero, Movie one!")

(Various members of the band and floor cast quickly congratulate Janet and walk off. Bert, Nation and Cosmo approach her)

Bert: Out of self came selflessness

                    (SHOUT: "Out of Janet came a...uh...she just came")

Nation: You revealed yourself

                    (SHOUT: "I feel sick")

          the real you, the secret you.

                    (ECHO: "The Secret Garden")

Cosmo: And you liked what you saw, didn't you, Janet?

Janet: Well I -

Betty: How's Brad?

                    (SHOUT: "In bed?")

Janet: Oh well, if he caught my act he'll be looking good!

(Wardrobe mistress walks by and hands Janet her hat.)

                    (SHOUT: "Here's your diaphram. Don't lose it again")

          It seems I'm his medicine so we're off to give him another spoonful.

                    (SHOUT OVER: "There's a smurf on Betty's back, somebody get it!")

(Janet slaps Betty's backside)

                    (SHOUT: "Smurfs zero, movie two!")

          Check ya later Betty. Gotta freshen up.

                    (SHOUT: "Douche?")

                    (SHOUT: "Laugh like a chicken")

(Cosmo laughs arrogantly, as everyone exits.)

(Scene switches to Kirk's coffee corner. Harry, Emily and the floor manager are in line)

                    (SHOUT: "It's the first Starbucks")

Kirk: Gee, how 'bout that. Janet was a knockout!

                    (ECHO: "a hooker") or

                    (SHOUT: "So was Mike Tyson") or

                    (SHOUT: "You've got a big ass!")

Emily: Thank you

Kirk: Yeah, she was terrific. Sexy!

Harry: What?

                    (SHOUT: "Fuck up")

Kirk: At the same time, fresh, untouched, you know. Hey, how's Brad?

Harry & Emily: He's fine.

                    (SHOUT: "Jinx")

(They look at each other simultaneously. Harry grabs his coffee and Kirk picks up the sugar for him)

Kirk: Lucky dog, with a pretty girl like that for a wife.

                    (ECHO: "Bitch")

Harry: Yeah, he sure is. No sugar. Thanks Kirk.

                    (ECHO: "Thanks dear")

Kirk: (to Floor Manager) Well, I'll sugar his daughter's.

Betty: Coffee Kirk

                    (SHOUT: "That's Captain Kirk to you, bitch")

          I'm dying for it.

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Okay, time for Hillbilly magic. Guess which cup the balls under")

Kirk: (Putting Betty's cup down on the counter upside down) R.I.P., Betty.

                    (SHOUT: "Really Ignorant Personality")

          Your off the air.

                    (SHOUT: "Like Rosanne") or

                    (SHOUT: "Like a Tim Curry series")

(Betty and Oliver walk over to the research lab)

Betty: What's happening here?

                    (SHOUT: "Where's Brad? Where's anybody?")

          Janet's on the breakfast show. Brad's committed to a nowhere series

                    (SHOUT: "Jenny")

          and we've been...

(Betty is having trouble with her key in the office lock)

Oliver: Written out?

                    (SHOUT: "Damn rewrites!")

(Dentonvale opening)

                    (SHOUT: "OH SHIT!!! NOT AGAIN")

(During this scene Brad's words, although sometimes understandable, are still muffled, because he is gagged. His words are marked off
by brackets.)

Announcer: Dentonvale

                    (SHOUT: "Starring Brad Majors as Cristopher Reeve's ghost")

                    (SHOUT: "…in Nell 2 - The Homecoming")

(Scene shows Harry practicing his putting, while Brad is still bound and gagged in his wheelchair inside the cage.)

          The Mission of Mercy. Starring the increasingly popular Janet Majors.

(Enter Janet)

Janet: Hi Mommy! Hi Daddy! Hi Brad, I've just come to tell you how fabulous I am.

                    (ECHO: " slutty I am")

Brad: [Janet!]

Emily: Janet! Where's that lovely dress I made you?

                    (SHOUT: "Goodwill")

Janet: Oh well, Mac just whipped up this little crowd pleaser.

                    (SHOUT: "His latest creation since the Big Mac")

Harry: Why, you're practically naked!

Janet: Well, I can't wear anything under it, Daddy. It would spoil the line.

                    (SHOUT: "My lines are so spoiled, I don't know what to do...") or

                    (SHOUT: "Hey Brad, what do you say while giving a blow job?")

                    (NOTE: The humor in that last joke is Brad's answer is muffled gags)
Brad: (angry) [Spoil the line?! - - -]

Emily: My God, Janet. How can you say such things.

                    (SHOUT: "It's in the script")

          Look at Brad. Look what they've done to him.

(Enter Cosmo, Nation, Bert, Ansalong, and Ricky)

Cosmo: Aah! Janet's parents?

                    (SHOUT: "Did he say parrots?")

Harry: Are you the doctor?

                    (SHOUT: "No, I'm the master")

Cosmo: Yes.

Harry: There's gonna have to be an investigation

                    (SHOUT: "Call Geraldo") or

                    (ECHO: " be another letter")

Cosmo: Oh?

                    (SHOUT: "No, Z")

Harry: There are regulations against this sort of thing

Janet: Its for his own good.

Bert: Hoopla Janet!

                    (SHOUT: "Fuck you, Bert!")

Janet: Bert! Sweetheart! Oh, its fabulous to see you!

                    (SHOUT: "Wish he could say the same")

(Dentonvale crew starts clapping in joy. Janet and Bert go to sit down on thecouch. Harry is still confused)

Harry: What's going on here?

Janet: (Sitting down with Bert) ...yes, of course

Bert: I adore that color

                    (SHOUT: "Black is a blind man's favorite color") or

                    (SHOUT: "Of course, that's the only color you see…")

(Brad grumbles. Camera goes to Cosmo leading the Weisses into the cell with him)

Cosmo: The patient was in great danger of doing himself a mischief.

                    (SHOUT: "So give him some raisins")

Nation: We only want what's best for him. As parents you must understand.

                    (SHOUT: "He said parrots again")

Harry: No. No I don't. Brad doesn't need to be trussed up like a turkey.

                    (SHOUT: "He said turkey") or

                    (SHOUT: "No, he's trussed up like a parrot") or

                    (SHOUT: "Gobble gobble")

There are drugs to keep him quiet.

                    (SHOUT: "I'll take five dollars worth") or

                    (SHOUT: "No there's not. I did them all")

Nation: We used them, all of them.

                    (SHOUT: "Next time give Brad some")

Emily: And none of them worked?

Nation: No.

                    (SHOUT: "They were unemployed")

Harry: Then double the strength.

Nation: We did.

Cosmo: We know our job.

Nation: We also know how you feel. We're not strangers to confusion(Farley laughs)

Emily: We're not confused

                    (ECHO: "Losers")

Harry: Well I am, goddamn it. You trust Brad with this crowd pleaser?

                    (ECHO: "You trust our country to Bush?")