Scene 19: Frankie / Carte
Blanche / Hallucinations
(Scene switches to the studio floor where Ralph welcomes Janet to the Faith Factory rehearsal. A large picture of
Farley is being carried in)
(SHOUT: "Janet likes her men big")
Ralph: Welcome to the Faith Factory rehearsal.
Janet: Thank you.
Ralph: We're all really excited about tonight.
(SHOUT: "Nipple check")
Janet: Oh! Do I get one of those? (referring to the giant picture)
(SHOUT: "I said a wallet size, not a wall size!")
Ralph: Uh, yes. Yes of course you do.
(Janet is being greeted by loyal fans. Much commotion. Audience is chanting"Janet, Janet, We want Janet".)
(SHOUT/chant: "Janet, Janet, we had Janet") or
(SHOUT/chant: "Janet, Janet, we hate Janet")
(Farley is watching from his office)
Janet: Hi kids, Hi. Oh, really?
Ralph: Macy, why don't you take Janet and - help her freshen up before the rehearsal?
(ECHO: "...and beat the crap out of her") or
(SHOUT: "She's, well….not so fresh")
(The crowd that has gathered around her gets upset.)
Crowd: Aw no. . .
(Crowd follows her. In the crowd are band members. Frankie approaches Ralph)
Frankie: Ralph, you promised me an introduction.
Ralph: Later Francine.
(SHOUT OVER: "Who's your god?") or
(SHOUT OVER: "Who's your favorite Rocky Horror character?")
Frankie: (upset) Frankie!
(SHOUT: "Mine, too") or
(SHOUT: "Who does she think she is? Sinatra?")
Ralph: Bert, could you spare a moment?
(ECHO: "a quarter?")
Bert: Of course.
(Bert, Ralph, and Floor manager step aside. Camera goes to the winding staircase. Audience is still chanting
"Janet Janet we want Janet!". The crowd of band members and camera crew have followed her. Neely stops her
just before she goes upstairs)
Neely: Janet a quick word.
Could you tell our viewers what exactly you will be representing
(SHOUT: "Leftover meatloaf")
Janet: Uh - Sanity For Today.
(SHOUT OVER: "Sex, drugs, rock n roll") or
(SHOUT OVER: "Sex, drugs, Albania")
(SHOUT: "Belch, I'm full")
Neely: And that's the word from Janet Majors, DTV's newest star. Okay guys let's move on.
(SHOUT OVER: "And now, Amateur poetry night at Leonas")
(Camera goes behind steps to Bert, Ralph, and Floor Manager.)
Ralph: How's Brad?
(ECHO: "How's the asshole?")
Bert: He's a wreck.
(SHOUT: "So's the Titanic") and/or
Ralph: Check. The quacks are willing tools?
(SHOUT OVER: "How's my asshole?")
Bert: Aaah, The quacks are fools.
(SHOUT: "Don't talk about my crack like that!") or
(SHOUT: "A couple of dumb ducks")
Ralph: Y'know, I wouldn't mind doing Janet one or two favors
(SHOUT: "Nudge nudge, wink wink")
Bert: Its time to check with Flavors.
(Bert pulls an antenna out of his cane making it a walkie talkie. He blows into it to test it.)
(SHOUT: "Beam me up, Scotty") or
(SHOUT: "Mork calling Orson....")
(Scene shifts to Farley's office - "buzz" - Farley picks up the phone.)
(SHOUT: "I'm gonna come!") or
(SHOUT: "There's a smurf on that asshole!")
(AP: Run to the screen and point your gun finger at Farley)
(SHOUT: "Boom! Got 'em! Movie two, smurfs zero!") or
(Scene shifts to Janet's dressing room. Nation and Cosmo are at the bar. Macy is making sure Janet is ready. "Carte Blanche" is played in
Macy: Is there anything else you'd like Janet?
Janet: Yeah, a new carpet.
I hate the color.
(SHOUT: "What? You don't like Pepto Bismol?")
(Macy checks her clipboard and leaves. Whenever the door opens the crowd is heard chanting "Janet Janet we want Janet!")
Nation: Its only one night Janet. Don't forget who we're doing this for.
(SHOUT: "20th Century Fox") or
(SHOUT: "Jerry Lewis") or
(SHOUT: "Of all the gin joints…")
Janet: Y'know I'm getting awfully sick of hearing about that emotional cripple. I've got a lot going for me. I'm going
(SHOUT/sing: "I'm movin' on up...to the east side...")
I'm gonna be someone. I'm gonna win my way into the lives and hearts of the people even if I have to kill to do it.
(SHOUT: "It's the return of Joan Crawford")
(Cosmo & Nation exchange worried glances)
(SHOUT: "Good god, we've created a monster")
I'll make the pathetic little crones love me.
(SHOUT: "Confused?") or
(SHOUT: "Pause...and then")
I don't even know why I'm wasting my time here with you
(SHOUT: "We were saying the same thing")
I should be with my people.
(In the background the radio commercial plays "Carte Blanche is like an avalanche, it kinda snowballs and sets you free")
(SHOUT: "Is that a parrot singing on the radio?")
(SHOUT: "Cosmo was right. It must be Janet's parrots")
(Janet gets up and walks out to the balcony near the winding staircase and waves)
(SHOUT/sing: "Don't cry for me, Argentina") while others sing:
(SHOUT/chant: "Evita, Evita, Evita,…")
(The audience is still chanting. At the bottom of the stairs is the band. The crowd goes wild when Janet comes out)
Band: Hey Janet!
Glitch: Girl, you're great.
Janet: Oh, well thanks.
Frankie: Hi, my name's Frankie.
(SHOUT: "Frankie Francine?") or
Frankie: And I think you're beautiful.
(SHOUT: "Is she blind too?") or
(SHOUT: "In an ugly kinda way")
(Scene shift to dressing room. Nation and Cosmo are putting pills in a drink for Janet.)
(SHOUT: "Jelly Bellies, the Gourmet jelly beans!")
(Scene back to the band)
Brenda: Hi. I'm Brenda. This is my brother
(ECHO: "and this is my statue")
Oscar and this is our friend, Glitch Davidson.
(SHOUT: "Party of Five") or
(SHOUT: "Welcome to 90210")
Glitch: Janet, we really enjoyed being on the breakfast show with you this morning.
(SHOUT: "They enjoyed being on you this morning?")
(Janet waves to the audience and they go wild. Glitch's words subsequently are drowned out. Nation approaches Janet with a drink)
Nation: This is Janet. She's a phenomenon.
(SHOUT: "Hey Janet, they're lookin' up your dress!") or
(ECHO: "She's in Phenonmenon - with John Travolta")
(Janet takes a sip)
Janet: (singing) So if you're looking for a standard to which you can aspire
Then baby, look at me!
(SHOUT: "She's still stuck on herself?") or
(ECHO: "I gotta pee!")
Oh oh oh!Look at me!
(ECHO: "I gotta pee!") or
(SHOUT: "Hey Janet, want another beer?")
(SHOUT: "Guess not") or
(SHOUT: "This is the weirdest production of Evita I have ever seen")
Nation: I think you need a little rest. You've got a big night ahead of you.
(ECHO: "...a big dyke in bed with you")
(Nation walks Janet off stage)
Frankie: Your clothes are real neat.
(SHOUT: "We can see up your dress - you're not wearing panties!")
(Scene shifts to Macy and Ralph being interviewed at the bottom of the stairs by Neely. The band passes by chanting
"Janet Janet we want Janet" in the background)
Floor Manager: Reminder, wardrobe check for Faith Factory medical outfits.
(SHOUT OVER: "Look at Macy's tits!") or
(SHOUT OVER: "Hey, Macy. Nice tits!")
Macy: Aren't they great? But getting back to Faith Factory, all in all, it looks like an exciting new series for us.
(SHOUT: "Leave It To Macy's Beaver")
Ralph: Yes, and an attractive financial prospect for Denton.
Neely: And fashion wise?
(SHOUT: "We're sure you will adapt") or
(SHOUT: "Betty's losing her memory")
(Camera switch to Betty on the phone. Oliver is on the phone next to her)
Betty: What did I tell you?
(SHOUT: "It's a Barbie world")
Macy: Well, I can just say that Faith Factory will be introducing a new look. It will show off one or two old faces
(SHOUT: "George Burns and Frank Sinatra")
in an exciting new light.
Neely: Really? Sounds interesting.
(SHOUT OVER: "Betty's losing her hearing")
Betty: Did you hear that Oliver?
Oliver: Yes, Betty.
(SHOUT: "He's standing right next to you") or
(SHOUT: "I've glued the phone to my head")
The false promise of a new dawn usually leads to a most bloody sunset.
(SHOUT: "What?") or
(SHOUT: "Thank you for using AT & T") or
(SHOUT OVER: "Hey Ralph, do you like girls?")
Ralph: No, I don't know what Janet's next move will be, but you can be sure of one thing,
(SHOUT: "Point to your dick")
it all starts (pointing) right here.
(SHOUT: "On my finger") or
(SHOUT: "Pull my finger!")
Neely: Thank you. And that's the word from Ralph Hapshatt and Macy Struthers.
(SHOUT: "Trumpets") or
(SHOUT OVER: "Now you have to sleep with Bert")
(Ralph and Macy drop their smiles)
(Cameras on Betty and Oliver near the directional sign for the wardrobe room. They hang up the phone and approach us…)
(SHOUT: "That was a close call…")
(NOTE: This short exchange of dialogue can be covered by shouts of scene related shouts. Notice the sign
behind Oliver that directs the "dressing room" and "Wardrobe". When it we can only read "War" because Oliver
stands in the way, SHOUT, "It's war!" and when we can only read "Dressing" and "War" SHOUT, "It's a dressing
war!" and when we can only read "Wa", SHOUT "Waaaaaaa!")
Betty: Oh, Oliver.
(SHOUT: "My face")
Betty: What are we going to do?
(SHOUT: "It's alright, Betty, everything's gonna be alright")
Oliver: Care to indulge?
(SHOUT: "I've got gummy bears in my pocket - they're still warm") or
(SHOUT: "You indulge, you bulge")
Oliver: Uh huh. In a little, um…
(SHOUT: "Porn?") or
(SHOUT: "Dick?") or
(SHOUT: "Cheap sex?") or
(SHOUT: "Tax evasion?")
Floor Manager: (Over PA system) Final reminder. Wardrobe check for Faith Factory medical outfits. Wardrobe
check for Faith Factory medical outfits.
(SHOUT: "OH SHIT!!!!NOT AGAIN!!!!!")
(Scene shift to Terminal Ward right near Brad. Harry is pacing and holding a pair of sunglasses)
Emily: Harry, what are we gonna do?
Harry: I don't know Emily.
(SHOUT: "She's the girl you married")
(SHOUT: "About the cripple") or
(SHOUT: "I bet Hank five bucks that Brad could walk")
Maybe I can wear those black leather brogues.
(SHOUT: "First its the Mexicans, now its the blacks")
Emily: Too flashy. They'll clash with the new outfits.
(SHOUT: "That we wore in Studio 54")
(Brad starts moaning)
(SHOUT: "I hate hangovers")
Emily: All right, Brad, dear. Have another sedative.
(SHOUT: "Or two, or ten") or
(SHOUT: "It's River Pheonix")
(She fills his mouth with pills)
(SHOUT: "Aahh! I hate red hots!")
We'll miss you on the show tonight.
(SHOUT: "But if you're lucky, we'll hit you with our car")
Harry: And don't worry, Brad.
(SHOUT: "The Terminator")
(Puts glasses on)
I'll be back
(SHOUT: "Just going to the 38th Parallel") or
(SHOUT: "Fuck you, asshole")
(Puts corn cob pipe in his mouth. Harry and Emily head for the door)
What about those Italian loafers I bought in Hawaii?
(SHOUT: "Now it's the Italians" - "Now it's the Hawaiians")
(Brad moans and passes out.)
(Brad begins hallucinating. He sees Janet walk into the Terminal Ward)
Janet: I've just come to tell you how fabulous I am.
(ECHO: "...what a slut I am, am, am, am") or
(SHOUT: "Flashback from Echo Canyon") or
(SHOUT: "Flashback from Janet's crotch")
(Scene shifts to the dressing room where Janet is passed out on the couch with the drink in her hand and a slice of orange on her leg.)
(SHOUT: "Everybody likes to eat from Janet's crotch") then
(SHOUT: "Especially cheese")
(Nation comes by, takes the drink and eats the orangeslice. We now see Janet's hallucinations. Bert's bedroom door opens. He is sitting
on the bed)
(SHOUT: "Go to sleep, Bird Shit")
Bert: Face it, Janet. Brad's an emotional cripple.
(SHOUT OVER: "Frasier Thomas")
(Bert's door closes. Cosmo and Nation's bedroom door opens. His arm is around her, his hand at her neckline)
(SHOUT: "Which one's the dummy and which one's the vantriloquist?") then
(SHOUT: "That's a trick question") or
(SHOUT: "Tell us a funny joke")
Cosmo: Quite frankly…
Nation: …He hates you
(Nation and Cosmo begin laughing hysterically. Their door closes.)
(SHOUT: "I don't get it…")
(The camera begins to move closer on a still of Farley smiling on TV.)
(SHOUT: "Put that microwave on defrost, he's still frozen") or
(SHOUT: "Look, Farley's the vantriliquist. Look how well he talks without moving his lips.")
Farley: Times tight Janet
(SHOUT: "So's Janet")
Do it right Janet
(SHOUT: "Doggie style")
(SHOUT: "Who's a slut?")
(SHOUT: "Did anyone ever find Magenta's eyes?")
(Janet imagines herself in Brads wheelchair in the Terminal Ward. She opens her eyes)
(Brad walks in the door with drool all over his chin.)
(SHOUT: "Dr. Strange")
Brad: I've just come to tell you how fabulous I am.
(ECHO: "How sweaty I am, am, am, am") or
(ECHO: "What an asshole I am, am, am, am")
GO TO SCENE 20
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