Scene 25: Farley's Interview
/ Faith Factory Show
(Scene switch to Farley Flavor's office. It is a conference between Cosmo, Nation, Bert, Ralph, Macy, and Farley. Neely is there with her
crew. Scene opens with everyone laughing and happy. Cigar and cigarette smoke filter the room)
(SHOUT: "Fries are up...Fries are done...will somebody get the fucking fries!" - repeat - "Hello! Can't you see the
smoke?! The fries are fuckin' burning!") or
(SHOUT: "We now are in......the zen room")
Farley: She represents everything our customers want: Innocence,decency, and the allusion of a happy ending.
(SHOUT: "Welcome to Philosphy 101")
And, behind her image, take away therapy will thrive under the capable hands of two great ethical intellects, operating on the
frontiers of medical science. Huh? Huh?
(Crowd complimentsCosmo and Nation on their great work.)
(SHOUT: "Blah blah blah blah")
Under the firm guidance of a great survivor in the treacherous sea of diplomacy,
(SHOUT: "Yadda yadda yadda")
(SHOUT: "Henry Kissinger")
our own Bert Schniks.
(Group goes crazy over Farley's idea)
Now, lets get this show on the road!
(SHOUT: "We're going to Disney World!")
(Group goes wild, scuttling off and can still be heard in the background)
Neely: Mr. Flavors. May I have a moment of your time?
(SHOUT OVER: "How easy is your mother")
Farley: Sure thing.
Neely: We've heard rumors that you're going to unveil more than just
(SHOUT: "your dick size")
a new series tonight. Is this true?
(SHOUT/sing: "I know this...much is...true")
Farley: Absolutely correct.
Neely: Could you tell us a little more about it?
(SHOUT: "It's a really scary book, and a really shitty movie")
Farley: Well lets just say, we're planning on putting sanity back on the national menu.
(SHOUT: "Will there be an extra value meal?") or
(SHOUT: "Al a carte")
Neely: And how does local girl
Janet Majors fit into the scheme of things
(ECHO: "into that girdle of yours")
(Janet enters the room)
(SHOUT: "How do your pants fit in the crotch ")
Farley: Very nicely.
(SHOUT: "What's another word for asshole? Sphinctor? Uh, Rectum, uh, poop chute, uh....")
(SHOUT: "That'll work")
(Scene change to show Betty and Oliver explaining to Brad what's happening)
Betty: And he's resented you all these years.
(SHOUT: "Marcia Marcia Marcia")
Brad: And Janet?
(SHOUT: "No, he's never resented her")
Oliver: She represents everything he's been denied.
(SHOUT: "Hetero sex")
(Scene switch back to Faith Factory)
Announcer: By satellite, Farley Flavor's Faith Factory.
Ralph: Ladies and Gentlemen
(SHOUT: "Show your pride, girl!")
the world's example, Janet, the sensation of the planet.
(SHOUT: "Schmanet, Janet")
We bring you Miss Mental Health!
(SHOUT: "Wait until the nude photos come out") or
(SHOUT: "Tonight on the 69 & 1/2 cent bimbo")
(Enter Janet, walking down the aisle to the throne. Audience is clapping)
Nation: Isn't she lovely?
(SHOUT/sing: "Isn't she wonderful") or
(SHOUT: "We'll crush Poland")
Emily: I love you baby!
(SHOUT/sing: "And if it's quite alright, I need you baby")
Nation: She walks in beauty.
(SHOUT: "As long as it's dark out")
Harry: That's my little girl! That a girl, Janet!
(Guitar music starts)
(SHOUT: "It's Jimi Hendrix on guitar") or
(SHOUT: "Neil Young on guitar") or
(SHOUT: "A four-year old on guitar")
Emily: We love you baby!
Nation: We all love Janet. Who do we love?
(SHOUT/sing: "I love you, you love me")
(Audience goes wild. Cop raises arm and yells "Janet!" Janet sits in her throne)
(SHOUT: "It's Nation's audition for a role in The Truman Show")
Nation: The dress Janet is wearing has been given by Creme de la Crème Modes of downtown Denton and we've
been asked that you take note of the individual styling and exquisite tailoring. This is just one of the many gifts
so freely and generously given to Janet, the first of, we hope, many Miss Mental Health's!
(SHOUT: "She was up against fill in the blank with fan name")
(Audience goes wild again)
Ralph: Ladies and Gentlemen, the President.
(SHOUT: "Hail the chief") or
(SHOUT: "Everybody! Sew your mouth shut!")
(SHOUT: "Stand up if you've had sex with Janet")
(Sanity For Today medical outfit wearers stand at attention. Audience quiets. Neely directs her crew to focus in on the door. Irwin walks
onto the set)
(SHOUT: "It's Steve Bushemi")
(He walks up to the podium)
(SHOUT: "Hillary, where's my sax")
Irwin: Hi! I'm Irwin Lapsey, President of Lapsey Autos.
(SHOUT: "Stand up if you want to have sex with <fill in the blank with fan's name>")
(Sanity For Today medical outfit wearers sit down quickly.)
(SHOUT: "Not only am I the president, I'm also a client!")
(Irwin looks at them and wonders then turns back to the audience)
I'm holding in my hand here some keys
(SHOUT: "To a chastity belt")
(He jiggles keys in his left hand)
Keys which I would like to give to the little lady who is being so honored here tonight.
(SHOUT: "Dr. Ruth") or
(SHOUT: "Estelle Getty")
And I wanna tell ya, if she takes these keys
(SHOUT: "I'll call her a klepto!")
she will find that they fit something.
(ECHO: "Absolutely nothing") or
(SHOUT: "A kick start vibrator")
And what that something is, is an almost brand new ultra deluxe eight cylinder convertible complete with radio, tape deck, plush
fur seat covers and many, many extras. And its all hers for absolutely free.
(SHOUT: "Plus a blowjob.")
(Audience cheers as Irwin walks over to Janet to give her the keys. Cosmo stops him, takes the keys, and escorts Irwin offstage.)
(SHOUT: "Quick, someone, pull that string")
(AP: run to side of stage and act like you're pulling a rope)
(The curtain shuts in Lapsey's face)
Ralph: Well, Janet. Janet is absolutely speechless, ladies and gentlemen.
(SHOUT: "She's asleep" - "Like us") or
(SHOUT: "That movie was boring" - "So's this one!")
But here's someone we do want to hear from.
(SHOUT: "Marcel Marceau") or
(SHOUT: "Publishers Clearing House")
A firm favorite of yours and mine.
(SHOUT: "My hand?")
You've reveled in his recipes.
(Brad gets dropped by Oliver and Betty)
(SHOUT: "It's the three stooges")
You marveled in his marriage guidance.
(SHOUT: "And his divorce court")
The all knowing, and now all seeing,
(SHOUT: "Oz!") or
(SHOUT: "God!") then
(SHOUT: "That's wrong") or
(SHOUT: "Karnac" - "Madame Fortuna See All")
(Audience is astonished)
that's right, Bert Schniks
(Bert comes walking to the podiu showing his now uncovered eyes.)
(Scene flashes to Oliver and Betty dragging Brad while trying to find a way out of the Dentonvale set.)
(SHOUT: "A drunk asshole!")
(Scene goes back to Faith Factory. Audience member says "Bert, you're beautiful!")
(SHOUT: "You're drunk" - "No, you're drunk if you think he's beautiful!")
Bert: Hoopla Denton!
Audience: Hoopla Bert!
(ECHO: "Fuck You, Bert!")
Bert: Thank you, welcome.
Ralph: What's cooking, Bert?
Bert: I'll tell you what's cooking, buddy, and I'll tell you, too, you guys. She made the blind see and it was a gift.
Who was the gift from? Lets hear an F for...
Bert: And another F for...
(Enter Farley. Audience goes wild.)
(SHOUT: "It's Tim Robbin's in the movie Bob Roberts")
(SHOUT: "Hey-- Oooo")
(SHOUT: "Who did you sleep with last night?")
Farley: My friends!
(SHOUT: "Oh shit, that's us!") or
(SHOUT: "Romans, countrymen, lend me your anus")
And you are
all my friends.
(SHOUT: "Then give us money")
(SHOUT: "Rosebud is his sled")
My friends, tonight we are taking the first step of defiance,
(SHOUT: "Fuck you!")
and starting something that will grow so big
(SHOUT: "unlike your fucking dick")
that the whole world will reverberate with its sound.
(AP: Make fart sound)
And wherever our slogan "Sanity and vanity" is uttered,
(SHOUT: "Moo") or
(SHOUT: "Does Farley know sign language?")
it will be linked
(Farley makes wild hand gestures, exagerated)
incontrovertibly to this night, this station, and this beautiful face.
(SHOUT: "a face worse than death, with a face like that who needs enemas") or
(SHOUT: "I'd hate to see the ugly one") or
(SHOUT: "Look, it's a marrionette of Janet!")
(We can see a lifeless expression as Janet begins to stand. Audience cheers.)
(Brad hears this through the wall)
(SHOUT: "It's big Jim Slade!") or
(SHOUT: "Hey, Kool Aid")
(Brad comes crashing through the giant picture of Janet's head.)
(Audience is startled and utter phrases such as "Its a crazy guy")
(SHOUT: "I am Sean Archer") or
(SHOUT: "Welcome to poetry 101")
(SHOUT: "I hardly know her!")
Farley: And who are you sir?
Brad: Your twin brother and your accuser!
(ECHO: "...and you're an asshole")
Cosmo: Arrest that man he's committed to our care.
(ECHO: "Arrest that man, he stole my hair")
Janet: I never signed your contract.
(SHOUT like a smartass: "Ha ha ha")
He's not going anywhere.
(ECHO: "He's not wearing underwear") or
(SHOUT OVER: "So there!") or
(SHOUT: "Neither is this plot")
Oliver: Revenge your twin. You tried to abuse her.
Farley: A ridiculous accusation! You force me to refuse her.
(ECHO: "abuse her") or
(SHOUT: "The force is strong with this one")
Brad: Then why did you choose her?
(SHOUT: "Sarandon wasn't available!") or
(SHOUT: "Choosy brothers chosse Jiff")
Farley: Because of you, sir!
(SHOUT: "It's Greg and Peter Brady in Face/Off")
GO TO SCENE 26
RETURN TO AUDIENCE PARTICIPATION SCRIPT MAIN PAGE
RETURN TO THE SHOCK TREATMENT NETWORK