Scene 3: Denton Dossier
/ Macy's Comercial / Marriage Maze
(The scene changes to the set of Denton Dossier, starring Betty Hapshatt, with guest Judge Oliver Wright)
(SHOUT, grabbing yourself: "Hey Betty, how about this?")
Betty: Well how about that?
(SHOUT: "I just came!")
Wasn't that terrific?
(SHOUT: "It was okay") or
And now for, well certainly my favorite part of the show
(SHOUT: "Oh my God, they killed Kenny...")
and I sincerly hope yours at home, our in depth discussion with Judge Oliver Wright...
(The camera switches to Judge Wright, who has his hands clasped together)
(SHOUT: "That man still has no fucking neck!") or
(SHOUT: "Hand farts, hand farts") or
(SHOUT: "Let the neck jokes begin") or
(SHOUT: "The necklace court is now in session")
Betty: (continued) Denton's leading social scientist. Judge Wright?
(SHOUT: "Judge Wrong")
(SHOUT: "He made a yummy sound")
Betty: Did you enjoy our anthem?
(SHOUT OVER: "Do you like sex with little boys?") or
(SHOUT: "Are you gay?")
Oliver: In a way.
(SHOUT: "Try flipping them over sometime")
Betty: I detect a note of reticence.
(SHOUT: "That's my breathmint") or
(ECHO: "residue") or
(SHOUT: "Fuck you, Rolanda")
Are you perhaps one of those amongst us who feel that emotive forms of presentations are overly manipulative?
(SHOUT: "You kiss your mom with that mouth") or
(SHOUT OVER: "Is it true that the <fill the blank with major league baseball team name> have hired a spider to
Oliver: Well Betty, there are many ways that the spider may catch the fly.
(SHOUT OVER: "How does Betty get men to sleep with her?")
There are monitary inducements...(continues in the background)
(SHOUT: "G.I. Jane joins the Orkin Army")
(The scene switches to show Neely and her cameraman running towards the stadium)
(SHOUT: "I think John Denver's plane crashed...somewhere over there")
(Neely points towards the back row, and then approaches Brad and Janet in the stadium).
(SHOUT: "Hey, Neely, who's stoned?")
Neely: Hi Brad, Hi Janet.
Neely: Come for Marriage Maze?
(SHOUT: "Squirt!") or
(SHOUT: "The last…")
Neely: I'm exhausted working on this new documentary for Farley's new show
(SHOUT: "The Dick Van Lesbian Show") or
(SHOUT: "Asshole and Me")
(SHOUT: "…seeking white female")
Neely: Farley Flavors. Our new sponser.
(SHOUT: "Are you a lesbian?")
(Shakes hand in air, as though she's air drying her nails)
(SHOUT: "Tired fingers")
(SHOUT: "I hate everyone")
Neely: I tell you, Janet, that guy's as close as we'll come
to a successful man in this town.
(SHOUT: "You'll come for anything with the word suck in it!") or
(SHOUT: "At least since the Lindburg baby") or
Oliver: ...and Lies.
(SHOUT: "...and videotapes")
Betty: Thank you, Judge Oliver Wright. And now, for a commercial break.
(SHOUT: "Thank God, I need to pee.") or
(SHOUT: "From Pussy Whip, the first dessert topping for cats")
(Scene changes to show Macy in a graduation cap and gown. With her are several children in costumes.)
(SHOUT: "It's the Hot For Teacher video")
Macy: Okay kids, let's hear the five F's for today. F for...
(NOTE: You can make up your own five "F"s for the commercial, but it sounds better if all of your cast and fans
know the same five Fs. If not, everything is shouted down. The Midnight Madness Chicago cast uses these five:
"Faggot", "Fem Boy", "Foccacia", "Fart", and "Philodendron". Our Kansas City cast, The Regular Frankie Fans,
prefer to make all five F-words make a complete sentence "Farley - Flavors - Fingers - Fat - Females". Be
Macy: F for...
Macy: F for...
Macy: F for...
Macy: And F For...
(ECHO: "Females") or
(ECHO: "Fuck the teacher!")
(SHOUT: "Okay, who wants to sleep with fill in the blanks with fan name"?") or
(SHOUT: "You're gonna be in the movie Shock Treatment!")
(The children start to run away, screaming)
(SHOUT: "The Michigan Malitia presents, Romper Room")
Female Announcer: First and foremost
(The screen shows 5 letter F's)
(SHOUT: "F-in' Natzis!") or
(SHOUT: "This ad brought to you by the American Nazi party")
(AP: Have someone run to the screen and with his/her index finger, follow the Fs around like you were moving
Farley Flavor's fabulous fast food feed and fortify families for a fabulous future.
(SHOUT: "Fuck off!")
(Scene changes to show Oliver and Betty exiting the Denton Dossier set)
Floor Manager: Stand by for marraige maze. Strike Denton Dossier.
(ECHO: "Dosie-Doh") or
(SHOUT OVER: "He just had sex with you")
Betty: Thank you so much, Judge Wright, for a wonderful interview.
Oliver: Judge Wright? Oh come on, Betty.
(SHOUT: "You come on Betty!")
First name terms, surely, huh?
(SHOUT: "Don't call me Shirley!")
Betty: Oh Oliver.
(SHOUT: "My face")
You're so tolerant.
Time for a coffee break
(ECHO: "Blow Job")
before you rush off?
(ECHO: "Fuck off?") or
(SHOUT: "Yay rush")
Oliver: Mm, I'd love to
(ECHO last word/SHOUT: "Two / blowjobs")
(SHOUT: "Here comes Janet's bush")
(Oliver starts to grab Betty, moving her aside to let an E-shaped bush pass by)
(SHOUT: "It was a Vowel Movement")
That is, if you don't mind being seen with an older man.
(SHOUT: "Well, I was seeing Jimmy Stewart") or
(SHOUT: "Spelling test!")
Betty: Why Oliver
(SHOUT: "My Face") or
(SHOUT: "That's spells Yoliver")
Since Ralph and I separated, maturity is something I look for in a man.
(SHOUT: "That and a big dick")
(They exchange giggles)
(SHOUT: "Hi Koobla, Hi Fran")
Audience Member: Hi, Ollie! Hi, Betty!
(SHOUT: "Hi, Wilma!")
Neely: (approaching) Hi, Betty.
(NOTE: There are several greeting exchanges you could have made here: "Hello Laverne, Hello Shirl", "Hello
Wally, Hello Beav", "Hello Stanley, Hello Veronica" or "Hello Skipper, Hello Lil Buddy", etc… Be creative, come
up with whomever you want)
Betty: Hello, Neely.
(SHOUT: "Wonder why they call her Neely?")
(SHOUT: "Because she's always on her knees")
Neely: You keep up that high standard of interview
(Neely points her finger at Janet)
(SHOUT: "Pull my finger!")
and I'm gonna have to include you in Farley's documentary. You're so probing.
(SHOUT: "My ass hurts!") or
(SHOUT: "Now cough")
Oliver: A free thinker.
Betty: Everything's free there.
(SHOUT: "I'll take five dollars worth!")
(SHOUT: "It's still free")
(They approach Kirk's coffee corner, where Kirk, the cop, and the floor manager stand drinking coffee out of red cups)
(SHOUT: "Has anyone seen my urine sample? I put it in a red cup!") or
(SHOUT: "Ask Betty if she's stoned")
Kirk: Hi, Betty. The usual?
(SHOUT OVER: "One…")
Betty: Plus one.
(SHOUT: "is two")
(SHOUT: "Or three, if you're stoned")
Kirk: Hi, Vance. Are you gonna be watching Marriage Maze?
(SHOUT OVER: "Are you a bad cop?")
Cop: Sure am. This could be Bert Schnick's
(ECHO: "Bird Shit's")
(SHOUT: "A Schnick in time") or
(SHOUT OVER: "She loves you?")
Floor Manager: Yeah.
(SHOUT: "The Beatles!")
This could be a major step forward for him.
(SHOUT: "Puberty") or
(SHOUT OVER: "Wanna hear a blind joke?")
Floor Manager: Yeah, a leap in the dark.
I better go check on the Bert, otherwise.
(SHOUT: "Ward, I'm worried about the Bert") or
(SHOUT: "Left") or
(SHOUT OVER: "He's looking for a virgin") or
(SHOUT OVER: "He wants to have sex with <fill in the blank>")
Betty: Good luck!
(SHOUT: "You'll need it")
(Scene shift to wardrobe mistress and makeup lady powdering Bert.)
(AP: Begin coughing as though there was too much powder)
(Bert waves them away from him as announcer speaks)
(SHOUT: "Stop it, bitch")
(Scene shows make-up woman look angry as she walks away)
(SHOUT: "Damn celebreties")
(Bert turns to face us, with blind cane extended)
(SHOUT: "Isn't that Ed McMahan?")
(SHOUT: "From Excess Baggage")
Announcer: And here to bring you your just desserts and a recipe for a perfect marriage, is that gorgeous gourmet,
tossing the uproarious salad of life, Marriage Maze host, Bert Schniks!
(ECHO: "Bird Shit") or
(ECHO: "Sara Lee") or
(ECHO: "Little Debbie") or
(SHOUT OVER: "How long does it take a premature ejaculator to come?")
Floor Manager: Three seconds.
(SHOUT: "Don't forget to swallow") or
(SHOUT: "Smile when you come") or
(SHOUT: "Those are the whitest teeth I ever came across")
(Scene shows Bert enter the set)
Bert: Hoopla Denton!
(SHOUT: "Fuck You, Bert!")
(Music jingle starts, Bert dances towards podium, audience cheers)
(SHOUT/sing: "Hey, Macarena") or
(SHOUT: "It's a Greek restaurant")
(Bert steps up to the podium to speak. Two letter M's are in front of him)
(SHOUT/sing: "Mmm-Bop") or
(SHOUT: "Bono has looked better")
Bert: Thank you, welcome, thank you. Before we start I want to say one or two words about tomorrow night's great
new show: "The Faith Factory Show".
(ECHO: "The Claw Is My Master")
(The audience mumbles several "oooooooh"s)
And as a matter of fact, we have in the studio audience tonight, the host and his lovely co-host. Give a big
(SHOUT: "And jerk me off") and/or
(AP: Drag a LARGE hand across the bottom of the screen, either hand made from posterboard or the type seen at
some sports parks)
to Ralph Hapshatt and the vivacious Macy Struthers.
(SHOUT: "Stand up if you take it up the ass")
(Some of the audience members start to stand. Ralph and Macy stand up.)
(SHOUT: "Sid and Nancy, Love Kills")
Audience Member: Hey, Ralph!
(AP: <Vomit sound>) then, referring to Macy:
(SHOUT: "She's got a big pussy")
Let's get a camera in there, for heaven's sake. Over the moon about that commercial, Macy.
(SHOUT OVER: "Hey, Macy. You're a slut!")
Macy: Thanks, Bert.
Bert: And got a good show lined up for us tomorrow night, Ralph?
(SHOUT OVER: "Do you have a little dick, Ralph?") or
(SHOUT OVER: "Do you fuck little boys, Ralph?")
Ralph: Ah, you bet, Bert.
(SHOUT: "I fold")
Bert: Good! I'm gonna be there. Ain't we all viewers?
(SHOUT: "Count me out, I gotta get my hair done") or
(SHOUT: "Count me out, I gotta get my nipples peirced")
Betty: Macy Struthers with my husband. God, I must have been blind.
(SHOUT: "That would explain the dress")
Still, the weaker the man, the dumber the blonde.
(SHOUT: "That would explain Jenny McCarthy") or
(SHOUT: "That would explain Jenny")
(SHOUT: "Not another blonde joke!")
Oliver: Isn't that Brad and Janet Majors sitting in the audience?
(SHOUT: "The bitch got hitched" - "He sure did") or
(SHOUT: "The Bizzaro world version")
What an ideal couple they are. You know, more than anyone else in Denton, they represent the old values. Ike would have been
proud of them.
(SHOUT: "But Ike had a Big Dick behind him") or
(SHOUT: "Not Tina Turner - but what's love got to do with it?")
Bert: And now, would the first couple who seem to have made hash of their marriage and cooked their goose, step
this way, please...
(SHOUT: "What's the second letter of the word fuck?") or
(SHOUT: "A-E-I-O…") or
(Bert points to Brad and Janet)
Janet: That's us, Brad!
(ECHO: "That's right, Brad") or
(SHOUT: "Tonight on Politically Incorrect, Jeneane Garafolo and Bill Gates")
Bert: Come on, what's cooking up there? Come on down, you guys.
(SHOUT OVER: "Grab Janet's tits") or
(SHOUT OVER: "Janet will only come if you feel her tits")
Let's feel you.
(SHOUT/sing: "I feel for you")
Brad: I'm not going, Janet.
(SHOUT: "I told you to go before the movie started")
Janet: We've got to. Everyone is watching.
(SHOUT: "Today on a very special Ricki Lake")
(Brad and Janet leave their seats and head towards the stage to sit in seats on the stage set, next to Bert.)
(SHOUT: "Anyone in the mood for some Wendy's?")
(When Brad and Janet leave their seats, two new people sit in them; one of which is an old lady)
(SHOUT: "Where's the beef?")
Bert: Face the cameras, face the cameras.
(SHOUT: "They are, blind man!") or
(SHOUT: "Meet The Press")
Now, introduce yourselves.
(SHOUT: "Janet doesn't need introductions")
Brad/Janet at the same time: I'm Brad M-- / I'm Janet Maj--
(SHOUT at same time: "Asshole/Slut") or
(SHOUT: "Fuck up!")
(SHOUT: "I'm a fuck-up?")
Janet: I'm Janet Majors and this is my husband Brad.
(SHOUT: "I remember you in hemline clothes back in 1965") or
(SHOUT: "I feel a disturbance in the force") or
(SHOUT: "Hey, Kirk, we need more cream") or
(SHOUT: "Hey, Kirk, we're having problems on the bridge")
(Scene shifts to show Farley swinging around in his chair quickly, then switches back to the game show)
Bert: Hey, Brad. We've been hearing some bad things about you. Haven't we, Janet?
(Scene switches to show Kirk's corner)
(SHOUT: "Who has smoker's cough?")
(Kirk laughs a throaty laugh)
Haven't we Janet?
(SHOUT OVER: "How's Brad in bed?")
Janet: Uh, uh, yes. Uh, he needs help.
(SHOUT: "I've fallen and I can't reach my beer") or
(SHOUT: "I can't see!") or
(SHOUT/sing "I need somebody") or
(SHOUT: "Fire! Fire!")
Let's face it, Janet. Brad's an emotional cripple.
(SHOUT: "Like Larry Flynt") or
(SHOUT: "What's a creep-ho?")
(SHOUT in response: "A ho so ugly you have to creep up on her")
(AP: Run to the screen and tickle Brad, shouting "tickle tickle tickle")
(SHOUT: "I like my bicycle") or
(SHOUT: "Janet, I heard you have a yeast infection") or
(SHOUT: "I heard you take it up the ass")
Janet: I know, I know, it's just...
Bert: It looks like rest home
(ECHO: "It smells like restroom")
for this stupid old marriage, eh?
(SHOUT: "Pig latin!")
Tell me, Janet. You watch Devtonvale?
(SHOUT OVER: "Do you have herpes?") or
(SHOUT OVER: "Do you have the clap?")
Janet: Uh, yes. I've caught it once or twice.
Bert: That's right. DTV's most popular hospital series, featuring those perennial favorites, Nation and Cosmo
McKinley, neuro-specialist par excellence.
(SHOUT: "Kark from Sling Blade had better diction") or
I recommend, if you pardon my French, Janet,
(SHOUT: "Oh") or
(SHOUT: "Fuck Off!")
that you send Brad to them for treatment.
(ECHO: "a labotomy") or
(SHOUT: "How's your dad in bed?")
Janet: Oh, uh, well, uh, I know he's a little boring, but, uh, neuro specialists? That sounds a little drastic.
Bert: Ah, there's no use pussy footing around, Janet.
(SHOUT: "Then get your foot out of her pussy") or
(SHOUT: "There's no pussy around Janet")
We have to cut quick and deep.
(SHOUT: "Like O.J.")
(Music plays again briefly)
(SHOUT: "Which president did you kill?")
(SHOUT: "Who?") or
(SHOUT: "You killed McKinley, you bastard!") or
(SHOUT: "You shouldn't have said that, your father doesn't like presidents")
Betty: Bert brought them over from Europe.
(ECHO: "Sesame Street")
(ECHO: "Crabs?") or
(SHOUT: "Duty free")
Betty: They had a very popular series together.
(SHOUT: "Mr. & Mrs. Bean")
Its still rerun in a lot of countries. You must have seen them in Dentonvale.
(SHOUT OVER: "When you take a shower, do you wash your asshole?")
Oliver: No, I never watch that.
(NOTE: When he says "watch" it sounds like "wash")
(SHOUT: "I'd miss Baywatch")
(Camera pans back to Bert)
Bert: [There's no use wasting another moment] but I'm afraid there's only one solution, isn't there folks?
(SHOUT: "Sodium Pentathol") or
(SHOUT: "One plus one is three" - "only if you're stoned")
(Floor manager holds up sign reading DENTONVALE)
One, two, three!
(SHOUT: "OH, SHIT, NOT AGAIN")
Bert: Hoopla! Don't go away, we'll be right back to see if Brad and Janet want to play or pass.
(SHOUT: "Uh, we're gonna pass, Richard") and/or
(SHOUT: "I feel a disturbance in the force")
(SHOUT: "Tell Bird Shit how he is in bed")
Floor Manager: Great, Bert.
(SHOUT: "Ejaculations! Ejaculations!")
I think you've made a wise decision.
(SHOUT: "That's Weiss")
(SHOUT: "Not anymore") or
(ECHO: "I think you've made a mess in your pants") or
(SHOUT OVER: "Hey Janet, where do you like to get fucked?")
Janet: But, but I...
Brad: Janet, I'm not going.
(SHOUT: "I told you to go before the movie started") or
(SHOUT: "You're not coming either")
Janet: What do you mean you're not going? Bert made all the arrangements.
(SHOUT: "Music score by Bert Schnicks!") or
(SHOUT: "Thank you, Mr. Bacharach")
Brad: But I don't need treatment.
(SHOUT OVER: "Brad's got a drinking problem")
(Brad knocks over a pitcher of water)
Bert: But you do need glasses, eh, stupid?
(SHOUT: "How else is he suppose to drink the water?") or
(SHOUT: "He has glasses, stupid!")
(We can see Brad's microphone shake in the foreground)
(AP: Run up to the microphone on the screen and shake it)
Doesn't he customers?
(SHOUT: "Cleanup in aisle 5") or
(SHOUT: "Bert's an orchestra conducter")
(Bert waves his blind cane at the audience).
(AP: As Bert waves his cane, like an orchestra conducter, make orchestra sounds)
Janet: I am sick of being humiliated by you.
(SHOUT OVER: "Which hand does Bert jack off with?")
Bert's right. You're going.
GO TO SCENE 4
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