The "Ultimate"
Audience Participation Script
For Shock Treatment

Scene 4: Bitchin' In The Kitchen


(M
(Song: "Bitchin' In The Kitchen")
 
 

Male announcer: It looks like Brad and Janet are heavily amazed today.

                    (SHOUT/sing: "Baby I'm amazed…")

          Here's some more prizes to amaze, here on Marriage Maze.

                   (SHOUT OVER: "Let's sing a song about kitchen appliences")

                    (SHOUT: "Hey Brad, where do you put your penis?") or

                    (SHOUT: "What do you call the tractor that chopped up Bambi?")

Brad: Dear blender

                   (SHOUT: "Has any one seen my baby?")

          Oh won't you help a first offender

                   (SHOUT: "O.J.")

          Oh, toaster

                   (SHOUT: "Pop tarts")

                    (AP: Throw toast)

                    (SHOUT: "Alright, who threw the toaster?")

          Don't you put the burn on me.

                   (SHOUT: "What do you call Janet's crotch?")

          Refrigerator

          Why are we always sooner or later

                   (SHOUT/sing: "Love is Gonna Getcha…")

          Bitchin' in the kitchen or cryin' in the bedroom allnight

                   (ECHO: "Bitchin' in the kitchin or fuckin' in the bedroom all night.") or

                    (ECHO: "Bitchin' in the kitchin or fuckin' with a dildo all night.")

          Dear knife drawer

                   (SHOUT: "OJ performs an abortion")

          Now, won't you help me to face life more

                    (SHOUT: "What do you call Janet's crotch?")

          Oh, trashcan

                   (AP: Throw wadded up sheets of paper)

          Don't you put the dirt on me

          Oh perculator

                   (SHOUT: "Looks like a coffee pot to me")

          Why are we always sooner or later

                   (ECHO: "Oh Darth Vador, why can't I use the force some more later")

          Bitchin' in the kitchen or cryin' in the bedroom all night.

                   (ECHO: "Bitchin' in the kitchin or fuckin' in the bedroom all night.") or

                    (ECHO: "Bitchin' in the kitchin or fuckin' with a dildo all night.")

                    (SHOUT: "Ladies and Gentlemen, Janet, as a bass")

Janet: Everything used to be okay

                   (ECHO: "all gay")

          But I've been had

                   (SHOUT: "by everybody") or

                    (SHOUT: "by")

          Brad, I'm glad to say...

                    (ECHO: "Brad's a fag today")

          ...is on his way

                   (ECHO: "He seems so gay") or

                    (ECHO: "So get away")

          Micro-digital awaker

(We see a digital clock with the numbers changing fast)

                   (SHOUT: "Time is speeding") or

                    (SHOUT: "Looks like a clock to me")

          Why are we always sooner or later

          Bitchin' in the kitchen or cryin' in the bedroom all night.

                   (ECHO: "Bitchin' in the kitchin or fuckin' in the bedroom all night.") or

                    (ECHO: "Bitchin' in the kitchin or fuckin' with a dildo all night.")

                    (SHOUT: "It's a Stevie Wonder cameo")

(Bert walks across the set and smiles)

          Shower curtains

                    (AP: Make the knife-stabbing squeals related to the "Psycho" scene)

                    (AP: Squirt waterguns)

          Oh won't you help me to be certain.

                    (SHOUT: "What do you use for lubrication?")

          Oh, toothpaste

                   (SHOUT: "Gleam!")

                    (SHOUT: "I use Vagisil") or

                    (SHOUT: "Can we squeeze your tits?")

          Don't you put the squeeze on me

          Depilitator

                    (ECHO: "Deep penetrator")

          Why are we always sooner or later

                    (ECHO: "I hope I'll come sooner or later")

          Bitchin' in the kitchen or cryin' in the bedroom all night.

                    (ECHO: "Bitchin' in the kitchin or fuckin' in the bedroom all night.") or

                    (ECHO: "Bitchin' in the kitchin or fuckin' with a dildo all night.") or

                    (ECHO: "Fuckin' in the kitchen or sleepin' with a dildo all night")

(Ricky comes onto the set with a wheel chair)

                   (SHOUT: "For one night only, it's Dr. Scott's wheelchair!")

Male announcer: And now it's back to Marriage Maze. And for those of you who are Dentonvale watchers, here's our
suprise guest. Yes, and here's Bert!

                   (SHOUT: "Hey, Lucy, I'm home!")

Bert: Hey folks, it's Ricky from the rest home.

                    (ECHO: "Restroom")

Ricky: Hey Bert!

                   (SHOUT OVER: "My hand is dirty")

(Bert slaps Bert five)

Bert: Hey Ricky

                   (SHOUT: "You're so fine, you're so fine, and I'm so blind, hey Ricky!")

Ricky: I've come for Mr. Majors.

                   (SHOUT: "He'll come for anyone") or

                    (SHOUT: "Everyone comes for Mr. Majors") or

                    (SHOUT: "We can make him better, stronger, faster") or

                    (SHOUT: "Here, let me get you a kleenex") or

                    (SHOUT: "But will Mr. Majors come for you?") or

                    (SHOUT: "Did he say he'd come for Mr. Rogers?")

Bert: Brad will learn how to care in a surgical chair.

                    (SHOUT: "And learn how to fuck in an ambulance truck") or

                    (SHOUT: "We're writing a new sequel")

Ricky: Nothing, uh, serious I hope.

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Wanna fuck a chicken?")

Janet: Oh no, no. Just a routine checkup.

                   (SHOUT: "Put your feet in the stirrups and relax")

Bert: Just a routine checkup, eh, viewers?

                    (SHOUT: "Is there an echo in here?") and/or

                    (SHOUT: "Sing to us, oh bitchy one") or

                    (SHOUT: "And now a potato farm advertisement")

Janet: Tell me spectators

                    (ECHO: "Sell me potaters") or

                    (ECHO: "Smell me, spectators") or

                    (ECHO: "Tell me, vibrator")

          Why are we always sooner or later

                    (ECHO: "Why can't Brad have his orgasms later?")

          Bitchin' in the kitchen or cryin' in the bedroom all night."

                   (ECHO: "Bitchin' in the kitchin or fuckin' in the bedroom all night.") or

                    (ECHO: "Bitchin' in the kitchin or fuckin' with a dildo all night.")

                    (SHOUT: "Her hair is tied in a severe bun") or

                    (SHOUT: "What a tight bun!")

(Brad is shoved down into the seat of the wheelchair)

                   (AP: Make the sound of a whoopie cushion fart).

(They exit stage)

Male announcer: Ha ha ha!

(Bert dances wildly)

                   (SHOUT/sing: "Hey, Macarena")

          Well, Bert's done it again. Another rocky marriage is headed for intensive care.

                   (SHOUT: "Like Ralph and Betty's") or

                    (SHOUT: "And another O'Brien movie is headed downhill")

Bert: The subject is committed...

                   (SHOUT: "Hey Bert, I'm bored with this movie!")

          ...as are we all.

                   (SHOUT: "And now, E.R. Live")
 
 
 
 


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