The "Ultimate"
Audience Participation Script
For Shock Treatment

Scene 5: Admitting Brad / 30 Second Quiz / New Sponser


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(Scene change to "Dentonvale" logo)

                  (SHOUT: "OH, SHIT, NOT AGAIN!!!!")

Announcer: Dentonvale, The Arrival, introducing Brad and Janet Majors.

                  (SHOUT: "…and Charlie Sheen")

(Camera enters Cosmo's office where we see Cosmo and Nation McKinley sitting behind a desk.)

                  (SHOUT: "Riff Raff! What happened to your hair?!")

Cosmo: Ah, Mr. and Mrs. Majors, how wonderful to see you.

                  (SHOUT OVER: "Quick! Name change!")

          I'm Dr. Cosmo McKinley

                   (AP: Shout "Whoop!" as he swipes his name sign with his finger; repeat it with Nation's name as well)

          and this is my sister and

                  (SHOUT: "Lover")

          colleague

                   (SHOUT: "Same thing")

          Dr. Nation McKinley.

                  (SHOUT: "Looks like an under-developed nation, if you ask me")

Nation: We understand you've been going through a rather trying time.

                  (SHOUT OVER: "Have you tried oral sex?")

Janet: Well, yes. We have.

                   (SHOUT OVER: "Stand up and take it like an asshole")

(Brad takes defense, standing)

Brad: Now, now, now listen. There, there's nothing really wrong with me.

(Ricky injects Brad in the neck)

                  (SHOUT: "Another asshole getting poked")

          Janet and I haven't been getting along too well lately and I had a little

                  (SHOUT: "Dick?")

          little trouble

                  (SHOUT: "Staying up? Try Viagra") or

                   (SHOUT: "Getting any")

(Brad falls on the desk-top)

                  (SHOUT: "Live from New York! It's Saturday Night!")

Janet: Oh Brad!

Cosmo: Ooh, does he do this often?

Janet: No, he's never done this before.

                   (ECHO: "No, he's never fallen on desks before.") or

                   (SHOUT: "Get an erection?")

Cosmo: Good, then there's still hope. Lots and lots of hope.

                  (SHOUT OVER: "Bob Hope, Mount Hope, Ryan's Hope")

Nation: If anyone can help Brad, we can.

(Nurse Ansalong enters room)

                  (SHOUT: "Helloooo Nurse") or

                   (SHOUT: "Columbia, what happened to your hair?")

Janet: Well, he does need help.

Cosmo: Ah, nurse Ansalong, you've arrived.

Ansalong: Oh, that was real short notice because the other monkeys..

                  (SHOUT: "Fran Dreschner!") and/or

                   (SHOUT: "Shut up…")

Nation: Attend to Mr. Majors.

Cosmo: Just one or two formalities that have to be dealt with, Mrs. Majors.

(Ansalong bends over)

                  (SHOUT: "You bend over, I'll drive") or

                   (SHOUT: "Look, new faces") or

                   (SHOUT: "Servants enter from the rear")

(Cosmo swats Ansalong's butt with papers)

          A contract to be signed.

                  (SHOUT: "A rear entry form")

Janet: Could I do that later, please?

Nation: Of course, you can, Mrs. Majors.

(Brad, Janet, Ansalong, and Ricky leave room)

                   (SHOUT: "Goodbyyye Nurse")

Ansalong: (whispering) Sign the contract tomorrow.

                   (SHOUT: "Under the B is W")

Cosmo: (chasing after them, with Nation at his side, the door hits him in the face) Ouch!

                  (SHOUT: "Damn murphy beds!") or

                   (SHOUT/sing: "Watch out for that tree!")

          Mrs. Majors, just one or two details. Does Brad have any living relatives

                  (ECHO: "...any toupees?")

          any blood relatives?

                  (ECHO "...any used toupees?") or

                   (SHOUT: "Count Dracula?")

Janet: No, he doesn't. Can I take care of this later?

Nation: Of course.

                  (SHOUT: "I think your sister is in the mood for some S and M")

(Nation swats Cosmo)

                  (SHOUT: "Incest is best. A family that eats together, beats together") or

                   (SHOUT: "Thank you, Mistress, may I have another?")

Janet: Why did you tell me not to sign now?

                  (SHOUT: "It's important for the plot")

Ansalong: Well, that way you get the first day

                    (ECHO: "lay")

          free.

                   (SHOUT: "Thank you, Kato Kaelin") or

                    (SHOUT: "Goodbyyye Nurse")

(They enter the cage room. The sign on the door reads "Terminal Ward")

                    (SHOUT: "How's the Beaver's condition, June? It's terminal, Ward.")

(Scene switches to the Marriage Maze show, with Janet's parents, Harry and Emily)

Male Announcer: Here's Bert, that eternal show biz whiz, with a family connection in the thirty second quiz.

                    (ECHO: "Jizz")

Bert: As Janet's parents, this should be really easy

                    (SHOUT: "Like Janet")

Emily: About Brad's family?

                    (SHOUT: "What's your damage?")

Bert: Your last clue is...

                    (SHOUT: "Mrs. Peacock in the study")

           Mental instability. You have thirty seconds.

                    (SHOUT: "Or your pizza's free")

Harry: Mental instability?

Emily: He was adopted, you know.

                    (ECHO: "He's an asshole, you know")

Harry: Oh yeah, I had forgotten.

                    (SHOUT: "How can you forget your asshole?") or

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Who farted?")

Emily: Well, I hadn't. I was worried about inherited craziness when they married. I said to Janet, What do we know
about his parents?

                   (SHOUT: "They died laughing") or

                    (SHOUT: "From Smallville")

Bert: Which leads us to...

                   (SHOUT: "Oz!") or

                    (SHOUT: "God!") then

                    (SHOUT: "The secret password for today is….infantile regression") or

                    (whispered chant, SHOUT: "Infantile regression, infantile regression, infantile regression...")

Male announcer: This afternoon's surprise prize, Bert, which is a delirious stay in that evergreen series, Happy
Homes, with unlimited use of a new dream kitchen.

                   (SHOUT: "Compliments of Barbie")

                    (end of whispered chant, SHOUT: "...infantile regression.")

Emily: Infantile regression?

                   (SHOUT: "Does she have herpes?") or

                    (SHOUT: "Alright, who has syphillis?")

Bert: You got it.

                   (SHOUT OVER: "Hey, Emily, fake an orgasm")

Emily: (overly excited) I got it? I got it!

Harry: She got it, she got it!

(The screen displays a flashing message, over and over: Jackpot, Happy Homes.)

                    (SHOUT over and over: "Jackoff Happy Homos, jackoff happy homos....")

Emily: Oh, I got it!

                   (SHOUT: "Raise your hand if you're sure")

Harry: (raising a proud fist into the air) Hey, Bert, how about that? She got it!

                   (SHOUT: "Now everyone's got it!")

Bert: Congratulations and its Happy Homes to Harry and Emily Weiss of Denton.

                   (ECHO: "Berwyn") (NOTE: You can use any small town in the area that you're seeing the movie at)

(Scene switches to show Farley in his office, watching the show)

Farley: Ha ha.

                    (SHOUT: "Must see TV, my ass") or

                    (SHOUT: "Breast adjustment") or

                    (SHOUT: "Hey, Emily, show us your titties!")
 
 

(Scene switches to TV monitor where Emily claps her hands close to her chest, screaming "I got it!" - the scene now takes place in Cosmo's
office, where Cosmo is filing and Nation and Bert sit across from each other at the desk)

Bert: She got it! She got the big one!

                   (ECHO: "She got it! She got the big ones!")

          Infantile regression!

Nation: Our speciality.

                   (SHOUT: "What?")

Bert: Your speciality.

                   (SHOUT: "Oh")

Cosmo: I can't wait to begin on him.

                   (SHOUT: "I bet you say that to all the boys")

          Really Bert, I don't know what we'd do without you.

                    (SHOUT: "But we'd like to try")

Bert: I must confess, the decision to have Brad committed was not strictly my own.

                   (SHOUT: "Bert's got Roman fingers")

(Bert's fingers find their way to Nation)

                   (SHOUT OVER: "Do you know any sluts? I don't…")

Cosmo: No, of course. There's Janet. But if she was so keen on getting him in here, why wouldn't she sign the
contract?

                   (SHOUT: "Nudity clause")

Bert: No, it wasn't Janet, exactly. It was, in fact, your new sponsor.

                   (SHOUT: "Nike") or

                    (SHOUT: "What?")

Cosmo: Sponser?

                    (SHOUT: "Oh")

Bert: Dentonvale has been sold.

                   (SHOUT: "What?")

Cosmo: Sold?

                   (SHOUT: "Oh") or

                    (SHOUT/sing: "Signed, sealed, delivered…")

Nation: Dear old Bert settled everything.

Bert: Yeah, you endorse his Faith Factory and he endorses your research.

                   (SHOUT: "Watch out for your fingers!") and/or

                    (SHOUT: "Get paranoid, Cosmo!")

Cosmo: He--

(Cosmo slams the file drawer shut)

                   (SHOUT: "Ow, my fingers!")

          --How dare this person take advantage of my weakness!

                   (ECHO: "How dare this person take advantage of my hair!") then quickly:

                    (SHOUT: "He wants to fuck you in the ass")

Nation: I don't think he intends to go that far.

                   (SHOUT: "Want some more cocaine, Cosmo?")

(Cosmo turns away, perhaps in shame or frustration. The top file cabinet drawer reads the letters A and H)

                   (SHOUT: "What does the A-H stand for?" - "Asshole!" - "That's where you file your asshole." - "How do you
                    file your asshole?" - "With 20-grit toilet paper")

(Bert and Nation laugh, Cosmo continues to look down at file cabinet, as scene switches to the terminal ward.)


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