Scene 5: Admitting Brad
/ 30 Second Quiz / New Sponser
(Scene change to "Dentonvale" logo)
(SHOUT: "OH, SHIT, NOT AGAIN!!!!")
Announcer: Dentonvale, The Arrival, introducing Brad and Janet Majors.
(SHOUT: "…and Charlie Sheen")
(Camera enters Cosmo's office where we see Cosmo and Nation McKinley sitting behind a desk.)
(SHOUT: "Riff Raff! What happened to your hair?!")
Cosmo: Ah, Mr. and Mrs. Majors, how wonderful to see you.
(SHOUT OVER: "Quick! Name change!")
I'm Dr. Cosmo McKinley
(AP: Shout "Whoop!" as he swipes his name sign with his finger; repeat it with Nation's name as well)
and this is my sister and
(SHOUT: "Same thing")
Dr. Nation McKinley.
(SHOUT: "Looks like an under-developed nation, if you ask me")
Nation: We understand you've been going through a rather trying time.
(SHOUT OVER: "Have you tried oral sex?")
Janet: Well, yes. We have.
(SHOUT OVER: "Stand up and take it like an asshole")
(Brad takes defense, standing)
Brad: Now, now, now listen. There, there's nothing really wrong with me.
(Ricky injects Brad in the neck)
(SHOUT: "Another asshole getting poked")
Janet and I haven't been getting along too well lately and I had a little
(SHOUT: "Staying up? Try Viagra") or
(SHOUT: "Getting any")
(Brad falls on the desk-top)
(SHOUT: "Live from New York! It's Saturday Night!")
Janet: Oh Brad!
Cosmo: Ooh, does he do this often?
Janet: No, he's never done this before.
(ECHO: "No, he's never fallen on desks before.") or
(SHOUT: "Get an erection?")
Cosmo: Good, then there's still hope. Lots and lots of hope.
(SHOUT OVER: "Bob Hope, Mount Hope, Ryan's Hope")
Nation: If anyone can help Brad, we can.
(Nurse Ansalong enters room)
(SHOUT: "Helloooo Nurse") or
(SHOUT: "Columbia, what happened to your hair?")
Janet: Well, he does need help.
Cosmo: Ah, nurse Ansalong, you've arrived.
Ansalong: Oh, that was real short notice because the other monkeys..
(SHOUT: "Fran Dreschner!") and/or
(SHOUT: "Shut up…")
Nation: Attend to Mr. Majors.
Cosmo: Just one or two formalities that have to be dealt with, Mrs. Majors.
(Ansalong bends over)
(SHOUT: "You bend over, I'll drive") or
(SHOUT: "Look, new faces") or
(SHOUT: "Servants enter from the rear")
(Cosmo swats Ansalong's butt with papers)
A contract to be signed.
(SHOUT: "A rear entry form")
Janet: Could I do that later, please?
Nation: Of course, you can, Mrs. Majors.
(Brad, Janet, Ansalong, and Ricky leave room)
(SHOUT: "Goodbyyye Nurse")
Ansalong: (whispering) Sign the contract tomorrow.
(SHOUT: "Under the B is W")
Cosmo: (chasing after them, with Nation at his side, the door hits him in the face) Ouch!
(SHOUT: "Damn murphy beds!") or
(SHOUT/sing: "Watch out for that tree!")
Mrs. Majors, just one or two details. Does Brad have any living relatives
(ECHO: "...any toupees?")
any blood relatives?
(ECHO "...any used toupees?") or
(SHOUT: "Count Dracula?")
Janet: No, he doesn't. Can I take care of this later?
Nation: Of course.
(SHOUT: "I think your sister is in the mood for some S and M")
(Nation swats Cosmo)
(SHOUT: "Incest is best. A family that eats together, beats together") or
(SHOUT: "Thank you, Mistress, may I have another?")
Janet: Why did you tell me not to sign now?
(SHOUT: "It's important for the plot")
Ansalong: Well, that way you get the first day
(SHOUT: "Thank you, Kato Kaelin") or
(SHOUT: "Goodbyyye Nurse")
(They enter the cage room. The sign on the door reads "Terminal Ward")
(SHOUT: "How's the Beaver's condition, June? It's terminal, Ward.")
(Scene switches to the Marriage Maze show, with Janet's parents, Harry and Emily)
Male Announcer: Here's Bert, that eternal show biz whiz, with a family connection in the thirty second quiz.
Bert: As Janet's parents, this should be really easy
(SHOUT: "Like Janet")
Emily: About Brad's family?
(SHOUT: "What's your damage?")
Bert: Your last clue is...
(SHOUT: "Mrs. Peacock in the study")
Mental instability. You have thirty seconds.
(SHOUT: "Or your pizza's free")
Harry: Mental instability?
Emily: He was adopted, you know.
(ECHO: "He's an asshole, you know")
Harry: Oh yeah, I had forgotten.
(SHOUT: "How can you forget your asshole?") or
(SHOUT OVER: "Who farted?")
Emily: Well, I hadn't. I was worried about inherited craziness when they married. I said to Janet, What do we know
about his parents?
(SHOUT: "They died laughing") or
(SHOUT: "From Smallville")
Bert: Which leads us to...
(SHOUT: "Oz!") or
(SHOUT: "God!") then
(SHOUT: "The secret password for today is….infantile regression") or
(whispered chant, SHOUT: "Infantile regression, infantile regression, infantile regression...")
Male announcer: This afternoon's surprise prize, Bert, which is a delirious stay in that evergreen series, Happy
Homes, with unlimited use of a new dream kitchen.
(SHOUT: "Compliments of Barbie")
(end of whispered chant, SHOUT: "...infantile regression.")
Emily: Infantile regression?
(SHOUT: "Does she have herpes?") or
(SHOUT: "Alright, who has syphillis?")
Bert: You got it.
(SHOUT OVER: "Hey, Emily, fake an orgasm")
Emily: (overly excited) I got it? I got it!
Harry: She got it, she got it!
(The screen displays a flashing message, over and over: Jackpot, Happy Homes.)
(SHOUT over and over: "Jackoff Happy Homos, jackoff happy homos....")
Emily: Oh, I got it!
(SHOUT: "Raise your hand if you're sure")
Harry: (raising a proud fist into the air) Hey, Bert, how about that? She got it!
(SHOUT: "Now everyone's got it!")
Bert: Congratulations and its Happy Homes to Harry and Emily Weiss of Denton.
(ECHO: "Berwyn") (NOTE: You can use any small town in the area that you're seeing the movie at)
(Scene switches to show Farley in his office, watching the show)
Farley: Ha ha.
(SHOUT: "Must see TV, my ass") or
(SHOUT: "Breast adjustment") or
(SHOUT: "Hey, Emily, show us your titties!")
(Scene switches to TV monitor where Emily claps her hands close to her chest, screaming "I got it!" - the scene now takes place in Cosmo's
office, where Cosmo is filing and Nation and Bert sit across from each other at the desk)
Bert: She got it! She got the big one!
(ECHO: "She got it! She got the big ones!")
Nation: Our speciality.
Bert: Your speciality.
Cosmo: I can't wait to begin on him.
(SHOUT: "I bet you say that to all the boys")
Really Bert, I don't know what we'd do without you.
(SHOUT: "But we'd like to try")
Bert: I must confess, the decision to have Brad committed was not strictly my own.
(SHOUT: "Bert's got Roman fingers")
(Bert's fingers find their way to Nation)
(SHOUT OVER: "Do you know any sluts? I don't…")
Cosmo: No, of course. There's Janet. But if she was so keen on getting him in here, why wouldn't she sign the
(SHOUT: "Nudity clause")
Bert: No, it wasn't Janet, exactly. It was, in fact, your new sponsor.
(SHOUT: "Nike") or
Bert: Dentonvale has been sold.
(SHOUT: "Oh") or
(SHOUT/sing: "Signed, sealed, delivered…")
Nation: Dear old Bert settled everything.
Bert: Yeah, you endorse his Faith Factory and he endorses your research.
(SHOUT: "Watch out for your fingers!") and/or
(SHOUT: "Get paranoid, Cosmo!")
(Cosmo slams the file drawer shut)
(SHOUT: "Ow, my fingers!")
--How dare this person take advantage of my weakness!
(ECHO: "How dare this person take advantage of my hair!") then quickly:
(SHOUT: "He wants to fuck you in the ass")
Nation: I don't think he intends to go that far.
(SHOUT: "Want some more cocaine, Cosmo?")
(Cosmo turns away, perhaps in shame or frustration. The top file cabinet drawer reads the letters A and H)
(SHOUT: "What does the A-H stand for?" - "Asshole!" - "That's where you file your asshole." - "How do you
file your asshole?" - "With 20-grit toilet paper")
(Bert and Nation laugh, Cosmo continues to look down at file cabinet, as scene switches to the terminal ward.)
GO TO SCENE 6
RETURN TO AUDIENCE PARTICIPATION SCRIPT MAIN PAGE
RETURN TO THE SHOCK TREATMENT NETWORK