The "Ultimate"
Audience Participation Script
For Shock Treatment

Scene 9: Offices & Dinner Tables


(T
Scene switch to Dentonvale conference room. Ansalong is wheeling in a cart of fruit and wine.)

                   (SHOUT: "Okay, who ordered the fruit platter appetizer to the television entre?")

(At the table sit Bert, Nation and Cosmo)

Bert: What a meal! Scrumptious mine leibeling. I insist on the recipe.

                   (SHOUT: "It's leftover meatloaf!")

Nation: Coming from a gourmet that's praise indeed.

                   (SHOUT: "Why do you smell good?")

Secrets.

                   (SHOUT: "Made for a woman")

Cosmo: With Fast Food Farley at the helm it'll probably be TV dinners from now on.

                   (SHOUT: "Like Meatloaf?")

Bert: Farley is already a TV dinner

                   (ECHO: "Wiener")

          as we shall see

                   (SHOUT: "He'll be NBCing you and I'm not CBSing")

(Bert pushes buttons.)

                    (SHOUT: "Hold my calls, Mrs. Hawiggons")

(Ricky wheels in a TV set)

                    (SHOUT: "Alright, who ordered the television, well done?") and/or

                    (SHOUT: "Take the dinner out of the microwave before you bring it out!") or

                    (SHOUT: "Is this what he meant by TV Dinner?")

          Dentonvale will run forever now that his interest has embraced mental hygiene.

                   (SHOUT OVER: "Where can we have an orgy?") or

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Where can we have a picnic?")

Nation: Our field.

                    (SHOUT: "I hate chiggers!")
 
 

(Scene switch to the Research Lab. Oliver and Betty are sitting, talking)

Oliver: You know, I'm convinced that its some kind of conspiracy.

Betty: Conspiracy?

                   (SHOUT: "The X-Files in 30 years, with Moldy & Scuzzy")

Oliver: Mm hmm

Betty: That sounds a little far fetched

                   (SHOUT: "That's why they call it a conspiracy theory")

Oliver: Oh I don't know. Remember Lieutenant Orpheous? He disappeared into that underworld series and never
came back.

                    (SHOUT: "I'd disappear too if my last name was Oriface") or

                    (SHOUT: "Sliders")

Betty: Sounds like my husband. He never came back either.

                    (SHOUT: "He came when I was with him") or

                    (SHOUT: "He never came, period.")

Oliver: Ha ha ha.

Betty: Not after Flavors gave him a commercial break.

                    (ECHO: "...blow job.")

Oliver: Ah yes, Farley flavors. You know I find it remarkable that his Faith Factory is being financed by an entire
nations indigestion. Ha ha ha ha ha.

                   (SHOUT: "I made a funny") and/or

                    (SHOUT: "I don't get it.")

(Scene shift back to Dentonvale conference room)

Bert: Who do you think gave you the next episode?

                    (SHOUT: "The writers?") or

                    (SHOUT: "Aaron Spelling")

(Bert hands nation a folder with a red heart on the front)

                    (SHOUT: "I Love Lucy!") or

                    (SHOUT: "Love connection")

          So that Janet will be free to front line the new Faith Factory Show.

                    (SHOUT: "Janet's already free")

                    (SHOUT: "I'll take 5 dollars worth")

                    (SHOUT: "It's still free")

Cosmo: We're the experts.

Bert: Who trusts e-e-experts?

                   (SHOUT: "I-I-I do")

Nation: Why Janet?

Bert: Everyone loves the girl next door.

(Bites into an apple)

                    (SHOUT: "Everybody's had the girl next door")

          Particularly Farley.

                    (SHOUT: "He's had her twice!")

Nation: So it seems.

                    (SHOUT: "Let's play charades") or

                    (SHOUT: "Hey, half a worm!")

(Bert and Nation burst out laughing. Bert sprays apple from his mouth)

                    (SHOUT: "Look, I'm a zit. Get it?") or

                    (SHOUT: "I like seafood, don't you?!")

Scene shift back to Research Lab. Knock at the door)

Betty: (laughing) Come in.

                   (SHOUT: "and out, and in, and out, and in")

Ralph: Oh, hi.

Oliver: Hi.

Betty: Hi.

Ralph: Oh, I just came to give you this Betty.

(Ralph hands her an envelope)

                 (SHOUT: "It's a fuck you note")

Betty: Oh well thank you.

Ralph: You're welcome

                  (SHOUT OVER: "Sobriety check")

Macy: (entering) Hi.

Oliver: Hi.

Ralph: Hi.

Betty: Hi.

                   (SHOUT: "Everybody's high")

Ralph: Oh we'd better get going.

                   (SHOUT: "I'd rather be coming")

          Tomorrow's the big one and, uh, Farley expects.

                    (SHOUT: "A blow job") or

                    (SHOUT: "To be fucked")

Oliver: Oh, you bet.

                    (SHOUT: "I fold")

Ralph: Uh huh.

Oliver: Uh huh.

                    (SHOUT/sing: "Uh huh, Da da da")

Ralph: I guess we'd better leave you young things to it.

                   (SHOUT OVER: "Sexuality check")

Betty: Bye.

Oliver: Bye.

Macy: Bye.

Ralph: Bye.

Oliver: Bye.

                    (SHOUT: "Everybody's Bi")

(Ralph and Macy exit.)

                   (SHOUT: "I drank too much beer")

(Betty gets up)

                   (SHOUT: "I feel sick")

(Betty opens the door)

Betty: Oh Ralph.

                    (AP: Make vomit sound)

Ralph: Yes?

                   (SHOUT OVER/sing: "Take this job andů")

Betty: Shove it!

Ralph: Oh, you shove it too, Betty!

                    (SHOUT: "I will! Now where's that dildo?")

                    (SHOUT: "Up your ass")

(Betty slams the door and walks back to her seat)

Betty: Alimony is just another word for rape.

                    (SHOUT: "Alimony! Alimony!") or

                    (SHOUT: "Tell that to Tori Amos")

(Betty opens the envelope)

                    (SHOUT: "I know what you did last summer")

          Conspiracy is right! The Denton Dossier is...

                    (ECHO: "The X-Files are...") or

                    (ECHO: "Janet's legs are...")

Oliver: Closed.

                    (SHOUT: "That's it. I want my 5 dollars back")

                    (SHOUT: "Hey, Chuck, drop that tack")

(Oliver drops a tack into his stationary holder)

                   (SHOUT: "That's tacky") or

                    (SHOUT: "Now he has no tact")

MUSIC - DENTONVALE ORGAN MUSIC (Dentonvale opening)

Announcer: Dentonvale

                   (SHOUT: "OH, SHIT!  NOT AGAIN!")

        special guest star: Janet Majors.

                   (SHOUT OVER: "Who's LaToya's sister?")

Cosmo & Nation: Janet!

                   (SHOUT: "No, Michael") or

                    (SHOUT: "Norm!")

Janet: I've come to see Brad.

                   (SHOUT, in reference to The Wizard Of Oz's gatekeeper: "Nobody ever sees Brad. Not no way, not no how") or

                    (SHOUT: "Get the mop") or

                    (SHOUT: "At least she came")

Nation: That's out of the question. He's sleeping like a baby.

                    (SHOUT: "We have to change his diapers every two hours...or every two pounds") or

                    (SHOUT: "He wakes up every two hours crying")

Cosmo: Its you we're concerned about Janet.

Nation: Yes Janet. How are you? Are you happy?

Janet: Well I'm happy.

                   (SHOUT/sing: "If your happy and you know it clap your hands")

Cosmo: There are countless people in this world Janet who believe that they're happy

                    (SHOUT: "But that doesn't count") or

                    (SHOUT: "Scientologists")

Nation: But they only think that they're happy.

                    (SHOUT OVER: "One plus one equals three")

Janet: Oh well that doesn't make any sense.

Bert: This might, Janet


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