SHOCK TREATMENT
 
 

(Movie opens with the 20th Century Fox logo.)

                    (SHOUT: "I don't want to see Star Wars again!") or

                    (SHOUT: "20th Century Fucks...again.") then

                    (SHOUT: "I'm still sore from the last one")
 
 

(When the logo disappears, the first scene opens up with a still shot of Farley, smoking. Credits begin scrolling near the bottom of the
screen.)

                    (SHOUT: "A long long time ago, in a galaxy far far away, God said, let there be a sequel, and there was a sequel,
                    and it was shitty.")

                    (SHOUT, to be shouted when the last letter of Richard O'Brien's name reaches almost center screen: "Ladies and
                    gentlemen, the narrator for the Dukes of Hazzard") or

                    (SHOUT: "Tell us a least-loved bedtime story, Mr. Mike!") or

                    (SHOUT: "It's Alfred Hitchcock") or

                    (SHOUT: "Hello, I'm William Castle with the stock report.")

Narrator: Once upon a time,

                    (SHOUT: "Where?") or

                    (SHOUT: "In a galaxy far, far away") or

                    (SHOUT: "Tuesday")

          in a town

                    (SHOUT: "Where?")

          not far from yours,

                    (SHOUT: "Too close") or

                    (SHOUT: "Berwyn") (NOTE: You may use a small town close to the place where you're watching the movie.)

          there lived a real fast

                    (ECHO: "Fat")

          guy.

                    (SHOUT: "Just ask his girlfriend") or

                    (SHOUT: "Mario Andretti" or "The Flash" or "Steve Prefontaine")

          His life was fast

                    (ECHO: "Fat") or

                    (ECHO: "His hands were fast")

          His friends were fast

                    (ECHO: "Fat") or

                    (ECHO: "His fucks were fast")

          Even his food was fast

                    (ECHO: "Fat") or

                    (ECHO: "Even his orgasms were fast")

          But he was still not satisfied

                    (ECHO: "Fatified") or

                    (SHOUT: "Neither was his girlfriend")

          He wanted to share his fast

                    (ECHO: "Fat")

          philosophy with

                    (SHOUT: "Rosanne Barr")

                    (SHOUT: "Was it Janet Reno") or

                    (SHOUT: "Was it k.d. lang")

          a beautiful girl

                    (SHOUT: "Guess not") or

                    (SHOUT: "I'd hate to see the ugly one") or

                    (SHOUT: "Uma Thurman")

          Trouble was,

                    (SHOUT: "A board game") or

                    (SHOUT: "There's always trouble in these movies")

          she was in the arms of

                    (SHOUT: "an asshole") or

                    (SHOUT: "another beautiful girl?")

          another man.

                    (SHOUT: "Damn! I was hoping for some girl-girl stuff!") or

                    (SHOUT: "Welcome to the Gong Show") or

                    (ECHO: "Dave Thomas" or "Dr. Octopus")

(A gong sound is heard)

                    (SHOUT: "Hey waiter, you forgot the Curry")
 
 

(The smoke begins to move)

                    (SHOUT: "Welcome to the world of IMAX")

                    (SHOUT: "Hey! No smoking in the auditorium - unless you plan on sharing that joint with us!")
 
 

(Music: "Overture")
 
 

(Camera pulls away, as monitors in background display DTV logo. When the camera pulls back enough to reveal the entire billboard, we
see it's inside a television studio)

                    (SHOUT: "Isn't that the billboard from the cemetary? They moved the tombstones but not the bodies!")

(Camera view shows Neely, her crew, Ralph and Macy sitting in the audience chairs)

                    (SHOUT: "It's an audience for Shock Treatment before the movie starts")

(Suddenly, they stand up to leave)

                    (SHOUT: "It's an audience for Shock Treatment after the movie starts.") or

                    (SHOUT: "Ace is the place with the...")

(The floor manager approaches a door)

                    (SHOUT: "Don't go in there - that's the ladies room")

(The floor manager knocks on the door)

                    (SHOUT: "Well, at least he knocks first")

(The floor mananager enters the doorway)

                    (SHOUT: "Let's hear your best Olive Oyl impersonation") or

                    (SHOUT: "Who was your favorite star of the movie Ghost?" Or any Whoopi Goldberg movie)

(The wardrobe mistress comes out of the door and walks the catwalk towards a corner, nearly crashing into a makeup girl.)

Wardrobe Mistress: Whoops!

(The second door opens up, and the floor manager steps out)

                    (SHOUT: "He came out of the closet")

(He almost collides with the wardrope mistress)

                    (SHOUT: "Whoops!")

(Floor manager takes the stairs down)

                    (NOTE: The next set of shout lines should be yelled at an average pace, not rushed as the floor manager goes
                    down the stairs. If all is timed right, the last shout line here should match the screen credit that appears)

                    (SHOUT: "He's going down. He's going down the stairs. He's going down on the cast. He's going down on Brian
                    Thompson.")

(Credit reads "Costumes, Sue Blane")

                    (SHOUT: "She's still to blame for the shitty costumes")

(Credit reads "Mike Malloy, B.S.S.)

                    (SHOUT: "That's a bunch of B.S.")

(Credit reads "Editor, Richard Bedford")

                    (SHOUT: "Richard's in bed with Ford - better edit that one")

                    (SHOUT: "Let's hear someone with smoker's cough")

Harry: Good luck, honey.

                    (SHOUT: in deep hoarse voice "Thanks, dear")

(Credits read "John Goldstone")

                    (SHOUT: "John's still got goldstones, they didn't pass")

(Credit reads "Jim Sharman")

                    (SHOUT: "Don't squeeze the Sharman, part two")

(The floor manager approaches the bay door and points upward to open the door)

                    (SHOUT: "I'll get you!" or "Sieg heil!")

(The bay door opens)

                    (AP: Have 3 or 4 fans run to the screen and pretend to be pushing the bay door open with a struggling look.)

(The audience rushes inside the studio)

                    (SHOUT: "It's a riot at the Who concert") or

                    (SHOUT: "Look! The new Beanie Babies are in!") or

                    (SHOUT: "Lookout....Hurricane Katrina!!!!!")

                    (SHOUT: "It's Austin Powers!") pause briefly, and then

                    (SHOUT: "For one movie, and one movie only, it's Janet as...a bass")

Brad: What are we gonna do, Janet?

Janet: It's alright, Brad. Everything's gonna be alright.

                    (ECHO: in a deep bass voice "It's alright, Brad. Everything's gonna be alright.")

                    (NOTE: The humor in this is soon discovering that Jessica Harper's singing voice is no match to Susan
                    Sarandon's soprano) and/or

                    (SHOUT: "Not without Tim Curry")

(Brad and Janet head for the stadium stairs to take theirs seats. She wears her white purse on her shoulder.)

                    (SHOUT: "Look, the bitch still has the same purse")

                    (SHOUT: "Looks like she's outgrown it")

(The audience members begin filling the seats.)

                    (SHOUT: "Last one to sit down has to sleep with <fill in the blank with a name of a Rocky Horror fan>")

(Sign on stadium reads "It's Gotta Be DTV")

                    (SHOUT: "It's gotta be dumb television")

                    (SHOUT: "It's gotta be a dumb sequel.")

(The camera pulls back slowly, turning upwards until we see the Denton Billboard sign)

                    (SHOUT: "Denton, the home of horniness") or

                    (SHOUT: "Denton, the home of homeliness") or

                    (SHOUT: "Denton, the home of hopelessness")

(The scene switches to show several television monitors with the DTV logo on them)

                    (SHOUT: "Disney Television on acid")

(The scene switches to show the Denton Dossier logo)

                    (SHOUT: "Denton Douche Bag")
 
 

(Song: "Denton, U.S.A.")
 
 

(The scene opens up on the Denton set, with Neely's back to us)

                    (SHOUT: "Hello, Neely, we're behind you. Hello! Yo Bitch, turn around!") or

                    (SHOUT: "Ladies and Gentlemen, the Joker")

(Neely turns around to face us)

                    (SHOUT: "God!") or

                    (AP: Scream in terror) or

                    (SHOUT: "What do you find in Janet's crotch?")

Neely: You'll find happy hearts

                    (ECHO: "Humps")

          and smiling faces

                    (AP: Run up to the screen and unzip/rezip her zipper on her breast pocket)

          and tolerance for the ethnic races in Denton.

                    (ECHO: "...kids with braces and dentures") or

                    (ECHO: "…in Berwyn")

                    (SHOUT: "What do you find in Laura Dern's crotch?")

Harry: You'll find a ramblin' rose

(Harry clips the bush top)

                    (AP: Run to the bush and put your finger in the path of the clippers, shouting "Ow!" as he clips)

          and a picket fence

                    (SHOUT: "Ask Tom Sherritt")

Emily: Tenderness and innocence in Denton

                    (ECHO: "Pick your nose and rub it in your dentures")

(Emily bites a thread in two)

                    (SHOUT: "Don't forget to floss") then

                    (SHOUT: "What will you find in the U.N.?") or

                    (SHOUT: "What do you find in Madonna's crotch?")

Cop: You'll find conference rooms

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Where do you smoke your weed?")

          and a children's playground

                    (SHOUT: "This used to be her playground")

(Vance Parker, the cop, closes the jail door)

                    (SHOUT: "Attica!")

          Denton is a real okay

                    (ECHO: "all gay") or

                    (SHOUT OVER: "How big is your dick?")

(Vance makes an "okay" sign with his fingers)

          town.

          Civic pride and civic duty

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Isn't that the girls from The Facts Of Life?")

          and Denton girls are (whistle)

                    (ECHO: "P.U.")

          full of beauty

                    (ECHO: "Blair and Tootie") or

                    (ECHO: "Full of shit") or

                    (SHOUT: "The cops are blind") or

                    (ECHO: "Real good booty") or

                    (ECHO: "Pre-teen booty") or

                    (ECHO: "Full of cooties") or

                    (SHOUT: "Officer Krup K in 'Lolita'") or

                    (SHOUT: "Sing it, Goody Two Shoes") or

                    (SHOUT: "Sing it, Adam Ant") or

                    (SHOUT OVER/sing: "Don't drink, don't smoke, what do you do?") or

                    (SHOUT: "What a goody two shoe")

Cheerleaders: You may call us the goody two shoes

                    (SHOUT: "It's the <fill in the blank with name of high school in your area> cheerleaders")

                    (SHOUT: "No, they were never that good.")

          We're here to cheer you with the good news

                    (SHOUT: "Who choreographed this? Paula Abdul?")

          that D-E-N-T-O-N

(SHOUT: "Cheerleader math") or

                    (SHOUT, in reference to high school cheerleaders mentioned two shouts ago: "They can't spell that good
                    either.")

          gets T-E-N,

                     (SHOUT: "They can't count that good either")

          that's ten out of ten.

                    (AP: Run up to the screen when Macy Struthers is posed with a leg kicked back. Pretend to grab her leg and
                    pump it like a water pump.)

Ralph: If you're lookin' for a life of leisure

Macy: You're gonna get a whole lot to please ya

                    (SHOUT: "How often do you masterbate?") or

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Ralph and Macy, describe your sex lives")

Ralph: Again and again

Macy: And again and again

Ralph/Macy: And again!

                    (SHOUT: "I don't want to shake your hand")

                    (SHOUT: "Look, John Denver's plane flew right over there!") or

                    (SHOUT: "Look, Janet's vibrator went that way!")

(During this chorus, the audience looks back and forth, left and right, with each line of the chorus)

                    (AP: Look back and forth as the movie audience does, as though you're watching John Denver's plane flying
                    overhead.) or

                    (AP: Look back and forth as the movie audience does, as though you're watching Janet's vibrator flying overhead)

Audience: Denton, Denton

          You've got no pretention

          You're where the heart is

          You're okay.

                    (ECHO: "You're all gay") or

                    (ECHO: "You're so gay")

          Denton, Denton

          I'd just like to mention

          You're the home of youth

                    (SHOUT: "Not the wave!")

          You're America's truth

          You're Denton, Denton, U.S.A.

                    (NOTE: The following is an optional SHOUT ECHO to sing over the entire first chorus, if you'd like: "Denteen,
                    Denteen, we chew lots of Denteen, let's have a lot more, it's okay! Did I mention that I shopped at Venture. It's the
                    home for you to replace a tooth, and get Dentures, dentures everyday!")

Emily: This is the mecca of America

                    (SHOUT: "Malcolm why?") or

                    (SHOUT with tag on lines that overlap Harry's lines: "What's a mecker?" "Someone who mecks." "How do you
                    meck?" "With a pitchfork and a banana")

Harry: The Bethlehem of the west

                    (SHOUT: "Jesus!")

Emily: This is the birthplace of the virtuous

                    (SHOUT: "Janet was from out of town")

Harry: The home of

(Harry clips the bush with hedge clippers)

                    (AP: Run to the screen and put your finger or crotch in the path of the clippers clip, and when he clips the bush,
                    SHOUT: "Ouch!")

          happiness

                    (Beavis & Butthead SHOUT: "Heh heh, he said penis") or

                    (SHOUT: "Not if you keep clipping")

Macy: (with her palm extended) Leisure-wise, we're sure you will adapt

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Hey, Macy! Gimme five!") or

                    (SHOUT: "Valley of the dolls")

Ralph: Enjoy your stay. Have a happy holiday.

                    (ECHO: "Be so happy, he's so gay") or

                    (SHOUT: "Motel 6")

Cheerleaders: (rocking their heads back and forth like dolls) And we'll all put Denton, Denton on the map.

                    (SHOUT: "It's Lavern and Shirley after Lavern spent too much time in the tanning bed") or

                    (SHOUT: "Cindy Williams and Moesha in The Defiant Ones")

                    (SHOUT OVER: in reference to Cheerleader's head shakes "It's Puppet Master, part five")

(During this 2nd chorus, the audience rows are leaning back and forth, left and right, each row in the opposite of the row in the opposite
direction of the row in front and behind them.)

                    (AP: We should choreograph each row prior to the film's start to do the same)

                    (SHOUT: "Look! Now John Denvor's plane is being chased by <fill in the blank's> vibrator")

Audience: Denton, Denton

          You've got

(As the rows lean, a bearded man in the 2nd row doesn't switch directions with his row)

                    (SHOUT: "Hey, mister! Lean that way! That way!")

          no pretention

          You're where the heart is

          You're okay.

(Scene shows the DEN sign, followed by the TON sign)

                    (SHOUT: "That's a ton!")

(Scene shows a large man in the audience leaning to his right)

                    (SHOUT: "So's that!")

          Denton, Denton, I'd just

(Scene shows the fat man lean to the left, onto the man next to him)

                    (SHOUT: "Get off me!") or

                    (SHOUT: "It's Marlon Brando!")

          like to mention you're

                    (SHOUT: "Shock Treatment in 3-D")

(Scene shows a woman with large sunglasses)

          the home of youth

          You're America's truth

          You're Denton, Denton, U.S.A.

                    (SHOUT: "Stand up if you think Godzilla was a bad movie")

(The audience stands up and claps during the next chorus)

          Denton, Denton

          You've got no pretention

          You're

(Scene shows a black guy clapping, standing next to a fat guy)

                    (SHOUT: "Look in the middle, it's Kid Dynomite!")

                    (SHOUT: "With a cameo by John Candy")

          where the heart is

          You're okay

          Denton, Denton
          I'd just

(Scene shows Brad & Janet with an old man standing behind Brad)

                    (SHOUT: "Hey, isn't that George Burns?")

          like to mention

                    (SHOUT: "Hey Brad, clap like a white guy")

(Brad claps off beat)

                    (SHOUT: "The Oswald prison transfer had better choreography")

          You're the home of youth

          You're America's truth

(Scene shows close-ups on various faces)

                   (AP: Scream in terror when you see Ralph's face)

(Scene shows Brad preparing, very slowly in anticipation, to clap again)

                    (SHOUT: "Okay, Brad, clap one more time... Here we go, ready?")

                    (NOTE: The humor in this joke is that we're encouraging Brad to clap where there is no more claps coming up.
                    When the audience starts to sit down, SHOUT: "Psyche!")

          You're Denton, Denton, U.S.A.

                    (SHOUT: "Last one to sit down, sits in the wet spot")
 
 

(The scene changes to the set of Denton Dossier, starring Betty Hapshatt, with guest Judge Oliver Wright)

                    (SHOUT, grabbing yourself: "Hey Betty, how about this?")

Betty: Well how about that?

                    (SHOUT: "I just came!")

          Wasn't that terrific?

                    (SHOUT: "It was okay") or

                    (SHOUT: "No!")

          And now for, well certainly my favorite part of the show

                    (SHOUT: "Oh my God, they killed Kenny...")

          and I sincerly hope yours at home, our in depth discussion with Judge Oliver Wright...

(The camera switches to Judge Wright, who has his hands clasped together)

                    (SHOUT: "That man still has no fucking neck!") or

                    (SHOUT: "Hand farts, hand farts") or

                    (SHOUT: "Let the neck jokes begin") or

                    (SHOUT: "The neck-less court is now in session")

Betty: (continued) Denton's leading social scientist. Judge Wright?

                    (SHOUT: "Judge Wrong")

Oliver: Hmmm?

                    (SHOUT: "He made a yummy sound")

Betty: Did you enjoy our anthem?

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Do you like sex with little boys?") or

                    (SHOUT: "Are you gay?")

Oliver: In a way.

                    (SHOUT: "Try flipping them over sometime")

Betty: I detect a note of reticence.

                    (SHOUT: "That's my breathmint") or

                    (ECHO: "residue") or

                    (SHOUT: "Fuck you, Rolanda")

          Are you perhaps one of those amongst us who feel that emotive forms of presentations are overly manipulative?

                    (SHOUT: "You kiss your mom with that mouth") or

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Is it true that the <fill the blank with major league baseball team name> have hired a spider to
                    play outfield?")

Oliver: Well Betty, there are many ways that the spider may catch the fly.

                    (SHOUT OVER: "How does Betty get men to sleep with her?")

          There are monitary inducements...(continues in the background)

                    (SHOUT: "G.I. Jane joins the Orkin Army")

(The scene switches to show Neely and her cameraman running towards the stadium)

                    (SHOUT: "I think John Denver's plane crashed...somewhere over there")

(Neely points towards the back row, and then approaches Brad and Janet in the stadium).

                    (SHOUT: "Hey, Neely, who's stoned?")

Neely: Hi Brad, Hi Janet.

Oliver: ...Extortion...

                    (SHOUT: "Doh!")

Neely: Come for Marriage Maze?

                    (SHOUT: "Squirt!") or

                    (SHOUT: "The last…")

Oliver: ...Seduction...

Neely: I'm exhausted working on this new documentary for Farley's new show

                    (SHOUT: "The Dick Van Lesbian Show") or

                    (SHOUT: "Asshole and Me")

Oliver: ...Blackmail...

                    (SHOUT: "…seeking white female")

Neely: Farley Flavors. Our new sponser.

                    (SHOUT: "Are you a lesbian?")

          Whew!

(Shakes hand in air, as though she's air drying her nails)

                    (SHOUT: "Tired fingers")

Oliver: ...Prejudice...

                    (SHOUT: "I hate everyone")

Neely: I tell you, Janet, that guy's as close as we'll come

                    (SHOUT: "Squirt!")

          to a successful man in this town.

                  (SHOUT: "You'll come for anything with the word suck in it!") or

                  (SHOUT: "At least since the Lindburg baby") or

                  (SHOUT: "Sex...")

Oliver: ...and Lies.

                  (SHOUT: "...and videotapes")

Betty: Thank you, Judge Oliver Wright. And now, for a commercial break.

                    (SHOUT: "Thank God, I need to pee.") or

                    (SHOUT: "From Pussy Whip, the first dessert topping for cats")
 
 

(Scene changes to show Macy in a graduation cap and gown. With her are several children in costumes.)

                    (SHOUT: "It's the Hot For Teacher video")

Macy: Okay kids, let's hear the five F's for today. F for...

                    (NOTE: You can make up your own five "F"s for the commercial, but it sounds better if all of your cast and fans
                    know the same five Fs. If not, everything is shouted down. The Midnight Madness Chicago cast uses these five:
                 "Faggot", "Fem Boy", "Foccacia", "Fart", and "Philodendron". Our Kansas City cast, The Regular Frankie Fans,
                    prefer to make all five F-words make a complete sentence "Farley - Flavors - Fingers - Fat - Females". Be
                    creative…)

Kids: Farley!

                    (ECHO: "Farley")

Macy: F for...

Kids: Flavors!

                    (ECHO: "Flavors")

Macy: F for...

Kids: Fabulous!

                    (ECHO: "Fingers")

Macy: F for...

Kids: Fast!

                    (ECHO: "Fat")

Macy: And F For...

Kids: Foods!

                    (ECHO: "Females") or

                    (ECHO: "Fuck the teacher!")

                    (SHOUT: "Okay, who wants to sleep with <fill in the blanks with fan name>"?") or

                    (SHOUT: "You're gonna be in the movie Shock Treatment!")

(The children start to run away, screaming)

                    (SHOUT: "The Michigan Militia presents, Romper Room")

Female Announcer: First and foremost

(The screen shows 5 letter F's)

                    (SHOUT: "F-in' Natzis!") or

                    (SHOUT: "This ad brought to you by the American Nazi party")

                    (AP: Have someone run to the screen and with his/her index finger, follow the Fs around like you were moving
                    them…)

          Farley Flavor's fabulous fast food feed and fortify families for a fabulous future.

                    (SHOUT: "Fuck off!")
 
 

(Scene changes to show Oliver and Betty exiting the Denton Dossier set)

Floor Manager: Stand by for marraige maze. Strike Denton Dossier.

                    (ECHO: "Dosie-Doh") or

                    (SHOUT OVER: "He just had sex with you")

Betty: Thank you so much, Judge Wright, for a wonderful interview.

Oliver: Judge Wright? Oh come on, Betty.

                    (SHOUT: "You come on Betty!")

          First name terms, surely, huh?

                    (SHOUT: "Don't call me Shirley!")

Betty: Oh Oliver.

                    (SHOUT: "My face")

          You're so tolerant.

                    (ECHO: "Old")

          Time for a coffee break

                    (ECHO: "Blow Job")

          before you rush off?

                    (ECHO: "Fuck off?") or

                    (SHOUT: "Yay rush")

Oliver: Mm, I'd love to

                    (ECHO last word/SHOUT: "Two / blowjobs")

                    (SHOUT: "Here comes Janet's bush")

(Oliver starts to grab Betty, moving her aside to let an E-shaped bush pass by)

                    (SHOUT: "It was a Vowel Movement")

          That is, if you don't mind being seen with an older man.

                    (SHOUT: "Well, I was seeing Jimmy Stewart") or

                    (SHOUT: "Spelling test!")

Betty: Why Oliver

                    (SHOUT: "My face")

                    (SHOUT: "That's spells Yoliver")

          Since Ralph and I separated, maturity is something I look for in a man.

                    (SHOUT: "That and a big dick")

(They exchange giggles)

                    (SHOUT: "Hi Koobla, Hi Fran")

Audience Member: Hi, Ollie! Hi, Betty!

                    (SHOUT: "Hi, Wilma!)

Neely: (approaching) Hi, Betty.

                    (NOTE: There are several greeting exchanges you could have made here: "Hello Laverne, Hello Shirl", "Hello
                    Wally, Hello Beav", "Hello Stanley, Hello Veronica" or "Hello Skipper, Hello Lil Buddy", etc… Be creative, come
                    up with whomever you want)

Betty: Hello, Neely.

                    (SHOUT: "Wonder why they call her Neely?")

                    (SHOUT: "Because she's always on her knees")

Neely: You keep up that high standard of interview

(Neely points her finger at Janet)

                    (SHOUT: "Pull my finger!")

          and I'm gonna have to include you in Farley's documentary. You're so probing.

                    (SHOUT: "My ass hurts!") or

                    (SHOUT: "Now cough")

(Neely exits)

Oliver: A free thinker.

                    (ECHO: "Hooker")

Betty: Everything's free there.

                    (SHOUT: "I'll take five dollars worth!")

                    (SHOUT: "It's still free")
 
 

(They approach Kirk's coffee corner, where Kirk, the cop, and the floor manager stand drinking coffee out of red cups)

                    (SHOUT: "Has anyone seen my urine sample? I put it in a red cup!") or

                    (SHOUT: "Ask Betty if she's stoned")

Kirk: Hi, Betty. The usual?

                    (SHOUT OVER: "One…")

Betty: Plus one.

                    (SHOUT: "is two")

                    (SHOUT: "Or three, if you're stoned")

Kirk: Hi, Vance. Are you gonna be watching Marriage Maze?

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Are you a bad cop?")

Cop: Sure am. This could be Bert Schnick's

(ECHO: "Bird Shit's")

          finest hour.

                    (SHOUT: "A Schnick in time") or

                    (SHOUT OVER: "She loves you?")

Floor Manager: Yeah.

Kirk: Yeah?

Cop: Yeah!

                    (SHOUT: "The Beatles!")

          This could be a major step forward for him.

                    (SHOUT: "Puberty") or

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Wanna hear a blind joke?")

Floor Manager: Yeah, a leap in the dark.

                    (SHOUT: "Hardee-Har-har")

          I better go check on the Bert, otherwise.

                    (SHOUT: "Ward, I'm worried about the Bert") or

                    (SHOUT: "Left")

Cop: Right.

                    (SHOUT: "Left") or

                    (SHOUT OVER: "He's looking for a virgin") or

                    (SHOUT OVER: "He wants to have sex with <fill in the blank>")

Betty: Good luck!

                    (SHOUT: "You'll need it")
 
 

(Scene shift to wardrobe mistress and makeup lady powdering Bert.)

                    (AP: Begin coughing as though there was too much powder)

(Bert waves them away from him as announcer speaks)

                    (SHOUT: "Stop it, bitch")

(Scene shows make-up woman look angry as she walks away)

                    (SHOUT: "Damn celebraties")

(Bert turns to face us, with blind cane extended)

                    (SHOUT: "Isn't that Ed McMahan?")

                    (SHOUT: "From Excess Baggage")

Announcer: And here to bring you your just desserts and a recipe for a perfect marriage, is that gorgeous gourmet,
tossing the uproarious salad of life, Marriage Maze host, Bert Schniks!

                    (ECHO: "Bird Shit") or

                    (ECHO: "Sara Lee") or

                    (ECHO: "Little Debbie") or

                    (SHOUT OVER: "How long does it take a premature ejaculator to come?")

Floor Manager: Three seconds.

                    (SHOUT: "Don't forget to swallow") or

                    (SHOUT: "Smile when you come") or

                    (SHOUT: "Those are the whitest teeth I ever came across")

(Bert smiles)

(Scene shows Bert enter the set)

Bert: Hoopla Denton!

                    (SHOUT: "Fuck You, Bert!")

(Music jingle starts, Bert dances towards podium, audience cheers)

                    (SHOUT/sing: "Hey, Macarena") or

                    (SHOUT: "It's a Greek restaurant")

(Bert steps up to the podium to speak. Two letter M's are in front of him)

                    (SHOUT/sing: "Mmm-Bop") or

                    (SHOUT: "Bono has looked better")

Bert: Thank you, welcome, thank you. Before we start I want to say one or two words about tomorrow night's great
new show: "The Faith Factory Show".

                    (ECHO: "The Claw Is My Master")

(The audience mumbles several "oooooooh"s)

          And as a matter of fact, we have in the studio audience tonight, the host and his lovely co-host. Give a big
          hand, please

                    (SHOUT: "And jerk me off") and/or

                    (AP: Drag a LARGE hand across the bottom of the screen, either hand made from posterboard or the type seen at
                    some sports parks)

          to Ralph Hapshatt and the vivacious Macy Struthers.

                    (SHOUT: "Stand up if you take it up the ass")

(Some of the audience members start to stand. Ralph and Macy stand up.)

                    (SHOUT: "Sid and Nancy, Love Kills")

Audience Member: Hey, Ralph!

                    (AP: Vomit sound) then, referring to Macy:

                    (SHOUT: "She's got a big pussy")

          Let's get a camera in there, for heaven's sake. Over the moon about that commercial, Macy.

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Hey, Macy. You're a slut!")

Macy: Thanks, Bert.

Bert: And got a good show lined up for us tomorrow night, Ralph?

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Do you have a little dick, Ralph?") or

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Do you fuck little boys, Ralph?")

Ralph: Ah, you bet, Bert.

                    (SHOUT: "I fold")

Bert: Good! I'm gonna be there. Ain't we all viewers?

                    (SHOUT: "Count me out, I gotta get my hair done") or

                    (SHOUT: "Count me out, I gotta get my nipples peirced")
 
 

Betty: Macy Struthers with my husband. God, I must have been blind.

                    (SHOUT: "That would explain the dress")

          Still, the weaker the man, the dumber the blonde.

                    (SHOUT: "That would explain Jessica Simpson") or

                    (SHOUT: "That would explain Jenny")

                    (SHOUT: "Not another blonde joke!")

Oliver: Isn't that Brad and Janet Majors sitting in the audience?

                    (SHOUT: "The bitch got hitched" - "He sure did") or

                    (SHOUT: "The Bizzaro world version")

          What an ideal couple they are. You know, more than anyone else in Denton, they represent the old values. Ike would have been
          proud of them.

                    (SHOUT: "But Ike had a Big Dick behind him") or

                    (SHOUT: "Not Tina Turner - but what's love got to do with it?")

Bert: And now, would the first couple who seem to have made hash of their marriage and cooked their goose, step
this way, please...

                    (SHOUT: "What's the second letter of the word fuck?") or

                    (SHOUT: "A-E-I-O…")

                    (SHOUT: "Fuck…")

          ..you!

(Bert points to Brad and Janet)

Janet: That's us, Brad!

                    (ECHO: "That's right, Brad") or

                    (SHOUT: "Tonight on Politically Incorrect, Jeneane Garafolo and Bill Gates")

Bert: Come on, what's cooking up there? Come on down, you guys.

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Grab Janet's tits") or

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Janet will only come if you feel her tits")

          Let's feel you.

                    (SHOUT/sing: "I feel for you")

Brad: I'm not going, Janet.

                    (SHOUT: "I told you to go before the movie started")

Janet: We've got to. Everyone is watching.

                    (SHOUT: "Today on a very special Ricki Lake")

(Brad and Janet leave their seats and head towards the stage to sit in seats on the stage set, next to Bert.)

                    (SHOUT: "Anyone in the mood for some Wendy's?")

(When Brad and Janet leave their seats, two new people sit in them; one of which is an old lady)

                    (SHOUT: "Where's the beef?")

Bert: Face the cameras, face the cameras.

                    (SHOUT: "They are, blind man!") or

                    (SHOUT: "Meet The Press")

          Now, introduce yourselves.

                    (SHOUT: "Janet doesn't need introductions")

Brad/Janet at the same time: I'm Brad M-- / I'm Janet Maj--

                    (SHOUT at same time: "Asshole/Slut") or

                    (SHOUT: "Fuck up!")

                    (SHOUT: "I'm a fuck-up?")

Janet: I'm Janet Majors and this is my husband Brad.

                    (SHOUT: "I remember you in hemline clothes back in 1965") or

                    (SHOUT: "I feel a disturbance in the force") or

                    (SHOUT: "Hey, Kirk, we need more cream") or

                    (SHOUT: "Hey, Kirk, we're having problems on the bridge")

(Scene shifts to show Farley swinging around in his chair quickly, then switches back to the game show)

Bert: Hey, Brad. We've been hearing some bad things about you. Haven't we, Janet?

(Scene switches to show Kirk's corner)

                    (SHOUT: "Who has smoker's cough?")

(Kirk laughs a throaty laugh)

          Haven't we Janet?

                    (SHOUT OVER: "How's Brad in bed?")

Janet: Uh, uh, yes. Uh, he needs help.

Bert: Help?!

                    (SHOUT: "I've fallen and I can't reach my beer") or

                    (SHOUT: "I can't see!") or

                    (SHOUT/sing "I need somebody") or

                    (SHOUT: "Fire! Fire!")

          Let's face it, Janet. Brad's an emotional cripple.

                    (SHOUT: "Like Larry Flynt") or

                    (SHOUT: "What's a creepho?")

                    (SHOUT: "A ho so ugly you have to creep up on her")

                    (AP: Run to the screen and tickle Brad, shouting "tickle tickle tickle")

(Brad laughs)

                    (SHOUT: "I like my bicycle") or

                    (SHOUT: "Janet, I heard you have a yeast infection") or

                    (SHOUT: "I heard you take it up the ass")

Janet: I know, I know, it's just...

Bert: It looks like rest home

                    (ECHO: "It smells like restroom")

          for this stupid old marriage, eh?

                    (SHOUT: "Pig latin!")

          Tell me, Janet. You watch Devtonvale?

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Do you have herpes?") or

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Do you have crabs?")

Janet: Uh, yes. I've caught it once or twice.

Bert: That's right. DTV's most popular hospital series, featuring those perennial favorites, Nation and Cosmo
McKinley, neuro-specialist par excellence.

                    (SHOUT: "Kark from Sling Blade had better diction") or

                    (SHOUT: "What?")

          I recommend, if you pardon my French, Janet,

                    (SHOUT: "Oh") or

                    (SHOUT: "Fuck Off!")

          that you send Brad to them for treatment.

                    (ECHO: "a lobotomy") or

                    (SHOUT: "How's your dad in bed?")

Janet: Oh, uh, well, uh, I know he's a little boring, but, uh, neuro specialists? That sounds a little drastic.

Bert: Ah, there's no use pussy footing around, Janet.

                    (SHOUT: "Then get your foot out of her pussy") or

                    (SHOUT: "There's no pussy around Janet")

          We have to cut quick and deep.

                    (SHOUT: "Like O.J.")
 
 

(Music plays again briefly)

                    (SHOUT: "Which president did you kill?")

Oliver: McKinley

                    (SHOUT: "Who?") or

                    (SHOUT: "What?")

          McKinley

                    (SHOUT: "Oh…")

                    (SHOUT: "You killed McKinley, you bastard!") or

                    (SHOUT: "You shouldn't have said that, your father doesn't like presidents")

Betty: Bert brought them over from Europe.

                    (ECHO: "Sesame Street")

Oliver: Oh?

                    (ECHO: "Crabs?") or

                    (SHOUT: "Duty free")

Betty: They had a very popular series together.

                    (SHOUT: "Mr. & Mrs. Bean")

          Its still rerun in a lot of countries. You must have seen them in Dentonvale.

                    (SHOUT OVER: "When you take a shower, do you wash your asshole?")

Oliver: No, I never watch that.

                    (NOTE: When he says "watch" it sounds like "wash")

                    (SHOUT: "I'd miss Baywatch")
 
 

(Camera pans back to Bert)

Bert: [There's no use wasting another moment] but I'm afraid there's only one solution, isn't there folks?

                    (SHOUT: "Sodium Pentathol") or

                    (SHOUT: "One plus one is three" - "only if you're stoned")

(Floor manager holds up sign reading DENTONVALE)

          One, two, three!

Audience: Dentonvale!

                    (SHOUT: "OH SHIT!!! NOT AGAIN!!!!")

Bert: Hoopla! Don't go away, we'll be right back to see if Brad and Janet want to play or pass.

                    (SHOUT: "Uh, we're gonna pass, Richard") and/or

                    (SHOUT: "I feel a disturbance in the force")

                    (SHOUT: "Tell Bird Shit how he is in bed")

Floor Manager: Great, Bert.

Bert: Congratulations.

                    (SHOUT: "Ejaculations! Ejaculations!")

          I think you've made a wise decision.

                    (SHOUT: "That's Weiss")

                    (SHOUT: "Not anymore") or

                    (ECHO: "I think you've made a mess in your pants") or

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Hey Janet, where do you like to get fucked?")

Janet: But, but I...

Brad: Janet, I'm not going.

                    (SHOUT: "I told you to go before the movie started") or

                    (SHOUT: "You're not coming either")

Janet: What do you mean you're not going? Bert made all the arrangements.

                    (SHOUT: "Music score by Bert Schnicks!") or

                    (SHOUT: "Thank you, Mr. Bacharach")

Brad: But I don't need treatment.

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Brad's got a drinking problem")

(Brad knocks over a pitcher of water)

Bert: But you do need glasses, eh, stupid?

                    (SHOUT: "How else is he suppose to drink the water?") or

                    (SHOUT: "He has glasses, stupid!")

(We can see Brad's microphone shake in the foreground)

                    (AP: Run up to the microphone on the screen and shake it)

          Doesn't he customers?

                    (SHOUT: "Cleanup in aisle 5") or

                    (SHOUT: "Bert's an orchestra conducter")

(Bert waves his blind cane at the audience).

                    (AP: As Bert waves his cane, like an orchestra conducter, make orchestra sounds)

Janet: I am sick of being humiliated by you.

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Which hand does Bert jack off with?")

          Bert's right. You're going.
 
 

(Song: "Bitchin' In The Kitchen")
 
 

Male announcer: It looks like Brad and Janet are heavily amazed today.

                    (SHOUT/sing: "Baby I'm amazed…")

          Here's some more prizes to amaze, here on Marriage Maze.

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Let's sing a song about kitchen appliances")

                    (SHOUT: "Hey Brad, where do you put your penis?") or

                    (SHOUT: "What do you call the tractor that chopped up Bambi?")

Brad: Dear blender

                    (SHOUT: "Has any one seen my baby?")

          Oh won't you help a first offender

                    (SHOUT: "O.J.")

          Oh, toaster

                    (SHOUT: "Pop tarts")

                    (AP: Throw toast)

                    (SHOUT: "Alright, who threw the toaster?")

          Don't you put the burn on me.

                    (SHOUT: "What do you call Janet's crotch?")

          Refrigerator

          Why are we always sooner or later

                    (SHOUT/sing: "Love is Gonna Getcha…")

          Bitchin' in the kitchen or cryin' in the bedroom allnight

                    (ECHO: "Bitchin' in the kitchin or fuckin' in the bedroom all night.") or

                    (ECHO: "Bitchin' in the kitchin or fuckin' with a dildo all night.")

          Dear knife drawer

                    (SHOUT: "OJ performs an abortion")

          Now, won't you help me to face life more

                    (SHOUT: "What do you call Janet's crotch?")

          Oh, trashcan

                    (AP: Throw wadded up sheets of paper)

          Don't you put the dirt on me

          Oh perculator

                    (SHOUT: "Looks like a coffee pot to me")

          Why are we always sooner or later

                    (ECHO: "Oh Darth Vader, why can't I use the force some more later")

          Bitchin' in the kitchen or cryin' in the bedroom all night.

                    (ECHO: "Bitchin' in the kitchin or fuckin' in the bedroom all night.") or

                    (ECHO: "Bitchin' in the kitchin or fuckin' with a dildo all night.")

                    (SHOUT: "Ladies and Gentlemen, Janet, as a bass")

Janet: Everything used to be okay

                    (ECHO: "all gay")

          But I've been had

                    (SHOUT: "by everybody") or

                    (SHOUT: "by")

          Brad, I'm glad to say...

                    (ECHO: "Brad's a fag today")

          ..is on his way

                    (ECHO: "He seems so gay") or

                    (ECHO: "So get away")

          Micro-digital awaker

(We see a digital clock with the numbers changing fast)

                    (SHOUT: "Time is speeding") or

                    (SHOUT: "Looks like a clock to me")

          Why are we always sooner or later

          Bitchin' in the kitchen or cryin' in the bedroom all night.

                    (ECHO: "Bitchin' in the kitchin or fuckin' in the bedroom all night.") or

                    (ECHO: "Bitchin' in the kitchin or fuckin' with a dildo all night.")

                    (SHOUT: "It's a Stevie Wonder cameo")

(Bert walks across the set and smiles)

          Shower curtains

                    (AP: Make the knife-stabbing squeals related to the "Psycho" scene)

                    (AP: Squirt waterguns)

          Oh won't you help me to be certain.

                    (SHOUT: "What do you use for lubrication?")

          Oh, toothpaste

                    (SHOUT: "Gleam!")

                    (SHOUT: "I use Vagisil") or

                    (SHOUT: "Can we squeeze your tits?")

          Don't you put the squeeze on me

          Depilitator

                    (ECHO: "Deep penitrator")

          Why are we always sooner or later

                    (ECHO: "I hope I'll come sooner or later")

          Bitchin' in the kitchen or cryin' in the bedroom all night.

                    (ECHO: "Bitchin' in the kitchin or fuckin' in the bedroom all night.") or

                    (ECHO: "Bitchin' in the kitchin or fuckin' with a dildo all night.") or

                    (ECHO: "Fuckin' in the kitchen or sleepin' with a dildo all night")

(Ricky comes onto the set with a wheel chair)

                    (SHOUT: "For one night only, it's Dr. Scott's wheelchair!")

Male announcer: And now it's back to Marriage Maze. And for those of you who are Dentonvale watchers, here's our
suprise guest. Yes, and here's Bert!

                    (SHOUT: "Hey, Lucy, I'm home!")

Bert: Hey folks, it's Ricky from the rest home.

                    (ECHO: "Restroom")

Ricky: Hey Bert!

                    (SHOUT OVER: "My hand is dirty")

(Bert slaps Bert five)

Bert: Hey Ricky

                    (SHOUT: "You're so fine, you're so fine, and I'm so blind, hey Ricky!")

Ricky: I've come for Mr. Majors.

                    (SHOUT: "He'll come for anyone") or

                    (SHOUT: "Everyone comes for Mr. Majors") or

                    (SHOUT: "We can make him better, stronger, faster") or

                    (SHOUT: "Here, let me get you a kleenex") or

                    (SHOUT: "But will Mr. Majors come for you?") or

                    (SHOUT: "Did he say he'd come for Mr. Rogers?")

Bert: Brad will learn how to care in a surgical chair.

                    (SHOUT: "And learn how to fuck in an ambulance truck") or

                    (SHOUT: "We're writing a new sequel")

Ricky: Nothing, uh, serious I hope.

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Wanna fuck a chicken?")

Janet: Oh no, no. Just a routine checkup.

                    (SHOUT: "Put your feet in the stirrups and relax")

Bert: Just a routine checkup, eh, viewers?

                    (SHOUT: "Is there an echo in here?") and/or

                    (SHOUT: "Sing to us, oh bitchy one") or

                    (SHOUT: "And now a potato farm advertisement")

Janet: Tell me spectators

                    (ECHO: "Sell me potaters") or

                    (ECHO: "Smell me, spectators") or

                    (ECHO: "Tell me, vibrator")

          Why are we always sooner or later

                    (ECHO: "Why can't Brad have his orgasms later?")

          Bitchin' in the kitchen or cryin' in the bedroom all night."

                    (ECHO: "Bitchin' in the kitchin or fuckin' in the bedroom all night.") or

                    (ECHO: "Bitchin' in the kitchin or fuckin' with a dildo all night.")

                    (SHOUT: "Her hair is tied in a severe bun") or

                    (SHOUT: "What a tight bun!")

(Brad is shoved down into the seat of the wheelchair)

                    (AP: Make the sound of a whoopie cushion fart).

(They exit stage)

Male announcer: Ha ha ha!

(Bert dances wildly)

                    (SHOUT/sing: "Hey, Macarena")

          Well, Bert's done it again. Another rocky marriage is headed for intensive care.

                    (SHOUT: "Like Ralph and Betty's") or

                    (SHOUT: "And another O'Brien movie is headed downhill")

Bert: The subject is committed...

                    (SHOUT: "Hey Bert, I'm bored with this movie!")

          ..as are we all.

                    (SHOUT: "And now, E.R. Live")
 
 

(Scene change to "Dentonvale" logo)

                    (SHOUT: "OH SHIT!!! NOT AGAIN!!!!")

Announcer: Dentonvale, The Arrival, introducing Brad and Janet Majors.

                    (SHOUT: "…and Charlie Sheen")

(Camera enters Cosmo's office where we see Cosmo and Nation McKinley sitting behind a desk.)

                    (SHOUT: "Riff Raff! What happened to your hair?!")

Cosmo: Ah, Mr. and Mrs. Majors, how wonderful to see you.

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Quick! Name change!")

          I'm Dr. Cosmo McKinley

                    (AP: Shout "Whoop!" as he swipes his name sign with his finger; repeat it with Nation's name as well)

          and this is my sister and

                    (SHOUT: "Lover")

          colleague

                    (SHOUT: "Same thing")

          Dr. Nation McKinley.

                    (SHOUT: "Looks like an under-developed nation, if you ask me")

Nation: We understand you've been going through a rather trying time.

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Have you tried oral sex?")

Janet: Well, yes. We have.

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Stand up and take it like an asshole")

(Brad takes defense, standing)

Brad: Now, now, now listen. There, there's nothing really wrong with me.

(Ricky injects Brad in the neck)

                    (SHOUT: "Another asshole getting poked")

          Janet and I haven't been getting along too well lately and I had a little

                    (SHOUT: "Dick?")

          little trouble

                    (SHOUT: "Staying up? Try Viagra") or

                    (SHOUT: "Getting any")

(Brad falls on the desk-top)

                    (SHOUT: "Live from New York! It's Saturday Night!")

Janet: Oh Brad!

Cosmo: Ooh, does he do this often?

Janet: No, he's never done this before.

                    (ECHO: "No, he's never fallen on desks before.") or

                    (SHOUT: "Get an erection?")

Cosmo: Good, then there's still hope. Lots and lots of hope.

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Bob Hope, Mount Hope, Ryan's Hope")

Nation: If anyone can help Brad, we can.

(Nurse Ansalong enters room)

                    (SHOUT: "Helloooo Nurse") or

                    (SHOUT: "Columbia, what happened to your hair?")

Janet: Well, he does need help.

Cosmo: Ah, nurse Ansalong, you've arrived.

Ansalong: Oh, that was real short notice because the other monkeys...

                    (SHOUT: "Fran Drescher!") and/or

                    (SHOUT: "Shut up…")

Nation: Attend to Mr. Majors.

Cosmo: Just one or two formalities that have to be dealt with, Mrs. Majors.

(Ansalong bends over)

                    (SHOUT: "You bend over, I'll drive") or

                    (SHOUT: "Look, new faces") or

                    (SHOUT: "Servants enter from the rear")

(Cosmo swats Ansalong's butt with papers)

          A contract to be signed.

                    (SHOUT: "A rear entry form")

Janet: Could I do that later, please?

Nation: Of course, you can, Mrs. Majors.

(Brad, Janet, Ansalong, and Ricky leave room)

                    (SHOUT: "Goodbyyye Nurse")

Ansalong: (whispering) Sign the contract tomorrow.

                    (SHOUT: "Under the B is W")

Cosmo: (chasing after them, with Nation at his side, the door hits him in the face) Ouch!

                    (SHOUT: "Damn murphy beds!") or

                    (SHOUT/sing: "Watch out for that tree!")

          Mrs. Majors, just one or two details. Does Brad have any living relatives

                    (ECHO: "...any toupees?")

          any blood relatives?

                    (ECHO "...any used toupees?") or

                    (SHOUT: "Count Dracula?")

Janet: No, he doesn't. Can I take care of this later?

Nation: Of course.

                    (SHOUT: "I think your sister is in the mood for some S and M")

(Nation swats Cosmo)

                    (SHOUT: "Incest is best. A family that eats together, beats together") or

                    (SHOUT: "Thank you, Mistress, may I have another?")

Janet: Why did you tell me not to sign now?

                    (SHOUT: "It's important for the plot")

Ansalong: Well, that way you get the first day

                    (ECHO: "lay")

          free.

                    (SHOUT: "Thank you, Kato Kaelin") or

                    (SHOUT: "Goodbyyye Nurse")

(They enter the cage room. The sign on the door reads "Terminal Ward")

                    (SHOUT: "How's the beaver's condition, June? It's terminal, Ward.")
 
 

(Scene switches to the Marriage Maze show, with Janet's parents, Harry and Emily)

Male Announcer: Here's Bert, that eternal show biz whiz, with a family connection in the thirty second quiz.

                    (ECHO: "Jizz")

Bert: As Janet's parents, this should be really easy

                    (SHOUT: "Like Janet")

Emily: About Brad's family?

                    (SHOUT: "What's your damage?")

Bert: Your last clue is...

                    (SHOUT: "Mrs. Peacock in the study")

          Mental instability. You have thirty seconds.

                    (SHOUT: "Or your pizza's free")

Harry: Mental instability?

Emily: He was adopted, you know.

                    (ECHO: "He's an asshole, you know")

Harry: Oh yeah, I had forgotten.

                    (SHOUT: "How can you forget your asshole?") or

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Who farted?")

Emily: Well, I hadn't. I was worried about inherited craziness when they married. I said to Janet, What do we know
about his parents?

                    (SHOUT: "They died laughing") or

                    (SHOUT: "From Smallville")

Bert: Which leads us to...

                    (SHOUT: "Oz!") or

                    (SHOUT: "God!") then

                    (SHOUT: "The secret password for today is….infantile regression") or

                    (whispered chant SHOUT: "Infantile regression, infantile regression, infantile regression...")

Male announcer: This afternoon's surprise prize, Bert, which is a delirious stay in that evergreen series, Happy
Homes, with unlimited use of a new dream kitchen.

                    (SHOUT: "Compliments of Barbie")

                    (end of whispered chant SHOUT: "...infantile regression.")

Emily: Infantile regression?

                    (SHOUT: "Does she have herpes?") or

                    (SHOUT: "Alright, who has syphillis?")

Bert: You got it.

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Hey, Emily, fake an orgasm")

Emily: (overly excited) I got it? I got it!

Harry: She got it, she got it!

(The screen displays a flashing message, over and over: Jackpot, Happy Homes.)

                    (SHOUT over and over: "Jackoff Happy Homos, jackoff happy homos,...")

Emily: Oh, I got it!

                    (SHOUT: "Raise your hand if you're sure")

Harry: (raising a proud fist into the air) Hey, Bert, how about that? She got it!

                    (SHOUT: "Now everyone's got it!")

Bert: Congratulations and its Happy Homes to Harry and Emily Weiss of Denton.

                    (ECHO: "Berwyn")

(Scene switches to show Farley in his office, watching the show)

Farley: Ha ha.

                    (SHOUT: "Must see TV, my ass") or

                    (SHOUT: "Breast adjustment") or

                    (SHOUT: Hey, Emily, show us your titties!")
 
 

(Scene switches to TV monitor where Emily claps her hands close to her chest, screaming "I got it!" - the scene now takes place in Cosmo's
office, where Cosmo is filing and Nation and Bert sit across from each other at the desk)

Bert: She got it! She got the big one!

                    (ECHO: "She got it! She got the big ones!")

          Infantile regression!

Nation: Our speciality.

                    (SHOUT: "What?")

Bert: Your speciality.

                    (SHOUT: "Oh")

Cosmo: I can't wait to begin on him.

                    (SHOUT: "I bet you say that to all the boys")

          Really Bert, I don't know what we'd do without you.

                    (SHOUT: "But we'd like to try")

Bert: I must confess, the decision to have Brad committed was not strictly my own.

                    (SHOUT: "Bert's got Roman fingers")

(Bert's fingers find their way to Nation)

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Do you know any sluts? I don't…")

Cosmo: No, of course. There's Janet. But if she was so keen on getting him in here, why wouldn't she sign the
contract?

                    (SHOUT: "Nudity clause")

Bert: No, it wasn't Janet, exactly. It was, in fact, your new sponsor.

                    (SHOUT: "Nike") or

                    (SHOUT: "What?")

Cosmo: Sponser?

                    (SHOUT: "Oh")

Bert: Dentonvale has been sold.

                    (SHOUT: "What?")

Cosmo: Sold?

                    (SHOUT: "Oh") or

                    (SHOUT/sing: "Signed, sealed, delivered…")

Nation: Dear old Bert settled everything.

Bert: Yeah, you endorse his Faith Factory and he endorses your research.

                    (SHOUT: "Watch out for your fingers!") and/or

                    (SHOUT: "Get paranoid, Cosmo!")

Cosmo: He--

(Cosmo slams the file drawer shut)

                    (SHOUT: "Ow, my fingers!") or

                    (SHOUT: "Get REALLY paranoid, Cosmo!")

          --How dare this person take advantage of my weakness!

                    (ECHO: "How dare this person take advantage of my hair!") then quickly:

                    (SHOUT: "He wants to fuck you in the ass")

Nation: I don't think he intends to go that far.

                    (SHOUT: "Want some more cocaine, Cosmo?")

(Cosmo turns away, perhaps in shame or frustration. The top file cabinet drawer reads the letters A and H)

                    (SHOUT: "What does the A-H stand for?" - "Asshole!" - "That's where you file your asshole." - "How do you
                    file your asshole?" - "With 20-grit toilet paper")

(Bert and Nation laugh, Cosmo continues to look down at file cabinet, as scene switches to the terminal ward.)
 
 

(Song: "In My Own Way")
 
 

(Scene shows Ansalong leaving the ward, while Janet circles the cage Brad is locked in)

                    (SHOUT: "Tell us his name Dr. Lecteur")

Janet: If only you knew how to win some prizes

                    (ECHO: "Find my G-spot") or

                    (SHOUT: "I didn't know Brad was in The Birdcage")

          If only you knew how to play

                    (ECHO: "...Ralph was gay") or

                    (SHOUT: "Strip poker")

          If you could sleep nights and stop your crying

(Scene shows TV monitor with Janet as focus. Above the monitor is a red light. Below the monitor is a green light.)

                    (SHOUT: "If red means stop, and green means go, then the middle means AAAAHHHH!!!")

          Then you might find out I still love you in my own way.

                    (SHOUT: "There's not enough white halls in this movie!")

          If that's not enough then I am so sorry I met you

          It was almost like leading you on.

                    (SHOUT: "A leash") or

                    (SHOUT/sing: "Lead on me, when you're not strong…")

          But there's more to it all

          than just wringing your heart out

          over something that keeps on going wrong.

                    (SHOUT: "Hey Janet, we don't love you in this movie!")

          So don't tell me you love me

                    (SHOUT: "What does abstainence mean?")

          How am I supposed to know what that means?

                   (SHOUT: "What are the rules of prostition?") or

                   (SHOUT: "Never having to say you're sorry")

          No, don't sell emotion

          You can't find devotion

                    (ECHO: "You can't use my lotion")

          if you're falling apart at the seams

                    (ECHO: "If you're slutting your stuff on the streets") or

                    (SHOUT: "Like a rag doll")

          I hope that you smile when you reach your conclusion

                    (ECHO: "...orgasm") or

                    (SHOUT: "We all will")

          I hope that you'll know just what to say

                    (ECHO: "I hope that you know that Ralph is gay")

          But if it should mean

                    (SHOUT: "What's your favorite Journey song?")

          that the party is over

                    (SHOUT: "Mine, too") or

                    (SHOUT/sing: "And I'll cry if I want to")

          You should know that I still love you

                    (SHOUT: "What?")

          You should know that I still love you

                    (SHOUT: "Oh")

          You should know that I still love you in my own way

                    (SHOUT: "What?")

          In my own way

                    (SHOUT: "Oh")

          In my own way

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Is that Jack Nicholson following her?")

          In my own way.

(The doors open up revealing Emily)

                    (SHOUT: "Heeeere's Mommy!")
 
 
 
 

(Emily is carrying a dress she made as she comforts Janet)

Emily: Oh my poor baby.

                    (SHOUT: "You should have made a rich one")

Janet: Oh mom, its Brad.

Emily: I know, I know baby. He's gonna get all the help he needs. But in the mean time, look, for you.

(Emily hands Janet a new pink outfit. Janet is impressed by it and tries to get in words of praise but Emily keeps
talking over her.)

          They call it a new look in an old favorite.

(Emily bites the thread near the dress' chestline)

                    (SHOUT: "Don't bite her tit!")

          I copied it from the window on the world show. The Far East meets The Midwest.

                    (SHOUT/sing: "Turning Japanese, I think I'm turning Japanese, I really think so")

Janet: Mom its -

                    (SHOUT: "The dress my Aunt was buried in") or

                    (SHOUT: "Princess Di's dress")

Emily: Its just what the doctor ordered. I know. Come on in. My favorite show just started.

Janet: What show?

Emily: Dentonvale.

                    (SHOUT: "OH SHIT!!! NOT AGAIN!!!")

(Scene switches to Nurse Ansalong bending over to feed Brad in the Terminal ward just after Ricky left.)

                    (SHOUT: "No wonder she's the head nurse. Lower, lower...")

(Scene switches to a monitor showing the opening sequence screen to Happy Homes.)

Announcer: Love Starts in the home and where better to find this than in today's happy homes.

                    (ECHO: "Happy Homos")

(Scene switches to Emily's kitchen, where we see a cereal box with a black man on it.)

          With guest star Janet Majors.

                    (ECHO: "Bill Cosby") or

                    (SHOUT: "as the Beaver")

(In the background we can see a package of Charmin toilet tissue, and a CHOCK FULL O' NUTS Coffee can)

                    (SHOUT: "Don't squeeze the Charmin, part 5") and

                    (SHOUT: "How ironic - Chock Full o' Nuts and Brad in the same movie!")

(Emily is getting ready to pour a cup of coffee for Janet and herself.)

                    (SHOUT when you see the coffee pot: "Has anyone seen my spitoon?") and/or

                    (SHOUT in reference to a scene in Bitchin' In The Kitchen: "Looks like a perculator to me.")

Janet: Oh, thanks.

(The camera switches to the back door, where Harry is entering, wiping the sweat from his brow.)

                    (SHOUT: "I AM Tiger Woods")

(As an announcer begins talking in the background on a commercial, Harry walks towards the refridgerator.)

                    (SHOUT: "Has anyone seen my golfball?")

(Harry opens the fridge door and looks inside)

                    (SHOUT: "Nope, not in there.")

(Harry gives a look of frustration, swinging a fist in the air slightly)

                    (SHOUT: "Damn") or

                    (Beavis & Butthead SHOUT: "Heh heh, he got wood")

(Harry takes off his hat and practices his putting behind Janet and Emily. We can see that Janet has now changed into the new outfit her
mother gave her. Emily attempts to pin a flower on Janet's breast)

                    (AP: When the pin touches Janet's chest, make a "ssss" sound, as though air were escaping).

Harry: Oh for crying out loud, Emily, leave her alone. She's not a kid.

Emily: Well I wanted to see her in it.

                    (SHOUT: "It's better than seeing her out of it")

Janet: Its really very nice.

Emily: The material is imported…

                    (SHOUT: "From Skokie")

          …Taiwanese

                    (SHOUT/sing: "Turning Taiwanese, I think I'm turning Taiwanese, I really think so").

Harry: Damn it Emily, she's not interested.

Emily: What are you trying to do Harry, start an argument?

(Harry has his knees pressed together oddly)

                    (SHOUT: "Dad's gotta go pee!")

          Don't you want your daughter to look pretty?

Harry: Who's she got to look pretty for?

                    (SHOUT: "Fabio")

Emily: She's got a husband.

Harry: She's got a weirdo!

                    (ECHO: "...an asshole!")

          I've never been able to afford the time to havea nervous breakdown.

                    (SHOUT: "My visa's maxed out!")

Janet: Oh, poor Brad.

Emily: Thank God he was born an orphan. It would have killed his parents.

                    (SHOUT: "They died laughing")

                    (NOTE: In the background, you hear laughter)

          And thank goodness he hasn't ended up like that Slibstrini boy.

Harry: What are you talking about. Danny Slibstrini is a chip off the old block.

                    (SHOUT: "Chip got evicted")

          Why, I played 18 holes of golf with his father just last week

                    (Beavis & Butthead SHOUT: "Heh heh, he said Holes")

          and Hank says that Danny's moved to New York to better himself.

                    (ECHO: "Butter himself")

Emily: He moved all right.

                    (SHOUT: "A bowel movement")

          And they found him at the back of Wilson's bakery

                    (SHOUT: "With a bun in the oven")

          naked,with fifteen other men.

                    (SHOUT: "Fruit filled") or

                    (SHOUT: "What kind of men?")

Janet: Mexicans.

                    (SHOUT: "Que?")

(Harry puts on a face of disgust and disbelief and misses the putt.)

                    (SHOUT: "If he fucks like he golfs, he'll never make the hole") or

                    (SHOUT: "At least Danny got a hole in one!")

(Harry throws his putter, grabs his hat and heads for the door.)

Harry: I'm gonna catch up on a few jobs that need doing outside.

                    (SHOUT: "Like mowing the garage") or

                    (SHOUT: "OJ needs an alibi") or

                    (SHOUT: "Blowjobs, handjobs")

(Harry slams door)

Male Announcer: We return to Dentonvale after this important message.

                    (SHOUT: "Sasquatch" }

Emily: You shouldn't have said that.

Janet: But why?

                    (ECHO: "Why not?")

Emily: Your father doesn't like Mexicans.

(Scene changes to a shot of the crowd. Emily's last line is repeated over PA system.)

                    (SHOUT OVER: "It's the Mark Fhurman fan club")

Audience: YEAH!!!
 
 

(Song - "Thank God I'm A Man")
 
 

(Scene switch to the Weiss's garage door opening up.)

                    (SHOUT: "Why is he mowing his garage?") or

                    (SHOUT: "Garth Brooks, unplugged") or

                    (SHOUT/sing: "Convoy…")

(Harry starts his lawnmower)

                    (SHOUT: "Mowing the Astro Turf, part one")

                    (SHOUT: "Stand for the Republican National Antham")

                    (NOTE: There is a clever ECHO to shout over the first 3 lines or so of the next song. Time it out carefully: "How'd
                    you do, I see you've met my faithful Lawnmower Man")

Harry: A man should call the toss

                    (SHOUT: "Heads or tails") and/or

                    (SHOUT: "I want head")

          Wear the pants, and be the boss

                    (SHOUT: "Bruce")

          A man should be the

                    (ECHO: "eat a")

          drake

                    (SHOUT: "Duck you!")

          For his own damn sake

          And men should be the misters

                    (ECHO: "Fisters")

          And the masters

          of their sisters

                    (ECHO: "...and the baters")

          A man should be the reason

          for a heart to break

                    (ECHO: "For his cock to ache")

Marines: So, be moral

                    (ECHO: "immoral") or

                    (SHOUT: "The evolution of man")

          Don't quarrel

                    (ECHO: "a squirel")

          Fair and square is best

                    (ECHO: "let 'em feel your chest")

Women: Let me alert you

(The ladies have their hand on their chest, the other in the air)

                    (SHOUT: "Do you see a flag?")

          that virtue won't hurt you or desert you

                    (SHOUT: "Pussy Whip")

Men: If you wear hair on your chest

                    (ECHO: "If you keep beer in a chest") or

                    (ECHO: "If you wear hair on your nuts")

Audience: So always remember to follow the rules.

Men: Box clever

Men: Jock's never

                    (SHOUT: "Sit down!")

Harry: (takes off golf hat) Hock another jock's tools!

                    (ECHO: "Grab another jock's jewels")

(Harry starts up mower again)

                    (SHOUT: "Mowing the Astro Turf, part two")

                    (AP: During thisd next verse, you have the opportunity to hum the theme to Underdog, "ooh, wah ooh, wah
                    ooh...etc.)

          A man should wax a car

                    (ECHO: "his knob")

          and fix a fuse and tend a bar

                    (SHOUT: "Like Tim Allen")

          A man should like his brow to be wet with sweat

                    (ECHO: "cum")

          Men should know the right occasions

          To indulge in tax evasions

                    (ECHO: "Sex liaisons")

          A man should know the settings

                    (ECHO: "spankings")

          that his spark plugs get

                    (ECHO: "hot dog gets")

                    (SHOUT: "What did you have in your ass last night?")

          Faggots are

                    (ECHO: "and")

          maggots

          Thank god I'm a man

                    (ECHO: "...one too") and/or

                    (SHOUT: "Well gollee, Sgt. Carter")

(Harry salutes and the garage door starts to close)

                    (SHOUT: "The home improvement garage door opener - grunt grunt!") or

                    (SHOUT: "Who did you have in your ass last night?")

(The closed door reveals the presidential seal)

                    (SHOUT: "Bill Clinton?!") and/or

                    (SHOUT: "He carries the Bill Clinton seal of approval")

                    (SHOUT: "He left a stain on his lawnmower")
 
 

Scene switch to Dentonvale conference room. Ansalong is wheeling in a cart of fruit and wine.)

                    (SHOUT: "Okay, who ordered the fruit platter appetizer to the television entre?")

(At the table sit Bert, Nation and Cosmo)

Bert: What a meal! Scrumptious mine leibeling. I insist on the recipe.

                    (SHOUT: "It's leftover meatloaf!")

Nation: Coming from a gourmet that's praise indeed.

                    (SHOUT: "Why do you smell good?")

Secrets.

                    (SHOUT: "Made for a woman")

Cosmo: With Fast Food Farley at the helm it'll probably be TV dinners from now on.

                    (SHOUT: "Like Meatloaf?")

Bert: Farley is already a TV winner

                    (ECHO: "Weiner")

          as we shall see

                    (SHOUT: "He'll be NBCing you and I'm not CBSing")

(Bert pushes buttons.)

                    (SHOUT: "Hold my calls, Mrs. Hawiggons")

(Ricky wheels in a TV set)

                    (SHOUT: "Alright, who ordered the television, well done?") and/or

                    (SHOUT: "Take the dinner out of the microwave before you bring it out!") or

                    (SHOUT: "Is this what he meant by TV Dinner?")

          Dentonvale will run forever now that his interest has embraced mental hygiene.

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Where can we have an orgy?") or

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Where can we have a picnic?")

Nation: Our field.

                    (SHOUT: "I hate chiggers!")
 
 

(Scene switch to the Research Lab. Oliver and Betty are sitting, talking)

Oliver: You know, I'm convinced that its some kind of conspiracy.

Betty: Conspiracy?

                    (SHOUT: "The X-Files in 30 years, with Moldy & Scuzzy")

Oliver: Mm hmm

Betty: That sounds a little far fetched

                    (SHOUT: "That's why they call it a conspiracy theory")

Oliver: Oh I don't know. Remember Lieutenant Orpheous? He disappeared into that underworld series and never
came back.

                    (SHOUT: "I'd disappear too if my last name was Oriface") or

                    (SHOUT: "Sliders")

Betty: Sounds like my husband. He never came back either.

                    (SHOUT: "He came when I was with him") or

                    (SHOUT: "He never came, period.")

Oliver: Ha ha ha.

Betty: Not after Flavors gave him a commercial break.

                    (ECHO: "...blow job.")

Oliver: Ah yes, Farley flavors. You know I find it remarkable that his Faith Factory is being financed by an entire
nations indigestion. Ha ha ha ha ha.

                    (SHOUT: "I made a funny") and/or

                    (SHOUT: "I don't get it.")
 
 

(Scene shift back to Dentonvale conference room)

Bert: Who do you think gave you the next episode?

                    (SHOUT: "The writers?") or

                    (SHOUT: "Aaron Spelling")

(Bert hands nation a folder with a red heart on the front)

                    (SHOUT: "I Love Lucy!") or

                    (SHOUT: "Love connection")

          So that Janet will be free to front line the new Faith Factory Show.

                    (SHOUT: "Janet's already free")

                    (SHOUT: "I'll take 5 dollars worth")

                    (SHOUT: "It's still free")

Cosmo: We're the experts.

Bert: Who trusts e-e-experts?

                    (SHOUT: "I-I-I do")

Nation: Why Janet?

Bert: Everyone loves the girl next door.

(Bites into an apple)

                    (SHOUT: "Everybody's had the girl next door")

          Particularly Farley.

                    (SHOUT: "He's had her twice!")

Nation: So it seems.

                    (SHOUT: "Let's play charades") or

                    (SHOUT: "Hey, half a worm!")

(Bert and Nation burst out laughing. Bert sprays apple from his mouth)

                    (SHOUT: "Look, I'm a zit. Get it?") or

                    (SHOUT: "I like seafood, don't you?")
 

Scene shift back to Research Lab. Knock at the door)

Betty: (laughing) Come in.

                    (SHOUT: "and out, and in, and out, and in")

Ralph: Oh, hi.

Oliver: Hi.

Betty: Hi.

Ralph: Oh, I just came to give you this Betty.

(Ralph hands her an envelope)

          (SHOUT: "It's a fuck you note")

Betty: Oh well thank you.

Ralph: You're welcome

          (SHOUT OVER: "Sobriety check")

Macy: (entering) Hi.

Oliver: Hi.

Ralph: Hi.

Betty: Hi.

                    (SHOUT: "Everybody's high")

Ralph: Oh we'd better get going.

                    (SHOUT: "I'd rather be coming")

          Tomorrow's the big one and, uh, Farley expects.

                    (SHOUT: "A blow job") or

                    (SHOUT: "To be fucked")

Oliver: Oh, you bet.

                    (SHOUT: "I fold")

Ralph: Uh huh.

Oliver: Uh huh.

                    (SHOUT/sing: "Uh huh, Da da da")

Ralph: I guess we'd better leave you young things to it.

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Sexuality check")

Betty: Bye.

Oliver: Bye.

Macy: Bye.

Ralph: Bye.

Oliver: Bye.

                    (SHOUT: "Everybody's Bi")

(Ralph and Macy exit.)

                    (SHOUT: "I drank too much beer")

(Betty gets up)

                    (SHOUT: "I feel sick")

(Betty opens the door)

Betty: Oh Ralph.

                    (AP: Make vomit sound)

Ralph: Yes?

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Take this job and…")

Betty: Shove it!

Ralph: Oh, you shove it too, Betty!

                    (SHOUT: "I will! Now where's that dildo?")

                    (SHOUT: "Up your ass")

(Betty slams the door and walks back to her seat)

Betty: Alimony is just another word for rape.

                    (SHOUT: "Alimony! Alimony!") or

                    (SHOUT: "Tell that to Tori Amos")

(Betty opens the envelope)

                    (SHOUT: "I know what you did last summer")

          Conspiracy is right! The Denton Dossier is...

                    (ECHO: "The X-Files are...") or

                    (ECHO: "Janet's legs are...")

Oliver: Closed.

                    (SHOUT: "That's it. I want my 5 dollars back")

                    (SHOUT: "Hey, Chuck, drop that tack")

(Oliver drops a tack into his stationary holder)

                    (SHOUT: "That's tacky") or

                    (SHOUT: "Now he has no tact")
 
 

MUSIC - DENTONVALE ORGAN MUSIC (Dentonvale opening)

Announcer: Dentonvale,

                    (SHOUT: "OH SHIT!!! NOT AGAIN!!!!")

        special guest star: Janet Majors.

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Who's LaToya's sister?")

Cosmo & Nation: Janet!

                    (SHOUT: "No, Michael") or

                    (SHOUT: "Norm!")

Janet: I've come to see Brad.

                    (SHOUT, in reference to The Wizzard Of Oz's gatekeeper: "Nobody ever sees Brad. Not no way, not no how") or

                    (SHOUT: "Get the mop") or

                    (SHOUT: "At least she came")

Nation: That's out of the question. He's sleeping like a baby.

                    (SHOUT: "We have to change his diapers every two hours...or every two pounds") or

                    (SHOUT: "He wakes up every two hours crying")

Cosmo: Its you we're concerned about Janet.

Nation: Yes Janet. How are you? Are you happy?

Janet: Well I'm happy.

                    (SHOUT/sing: "If your happy and you know it clap your hands")

Cosmo: There are countless people in this world Janet who believe that they're happy

                    (SHOUT: "But that doesn't count") or

                    (SHOUT: "Scientologists")

Nation: But they only think that they're happy.

                    (SHOUT OVER: "One plus one equals three")

Janet: Oh well that doesn't make any sense.

Bert:This might, Janet.

(Bert turns on the TV)

                    (SHOUT/sing: "Sunny days, sweeping the clouds away")

                    (SHOUT: "What's the worst thing to see when you wake up in the morning?")

(Farley's image is on TV. His back is to us. Suddenly, he turns around to face us)

                    (SHOUT in fear: "Aahhh!") and/or

                    (SHOUT: "What's your favorite conjunction?")

Farley: And...a big Denton welcome to my new delegation.

                    (SHOUT: "Fuck you very much")

          This is Farley and I'm here with the score.

                    (SHOUT: "What's the score? One from the vaults")

          We're gonna package and sell some mental health for the nation with my dream of the girl next door.

                    (SHOUT: "Connie Francis") or

                    (SHOUT: "A wet dream") and then

                    (SHOUT: "The 64-thousand dollar question is...?")
 
 

(Song - "Farley's Song")
 
 

                    (SHOUT: "And now a song about The Time Warp")

Farley: Oh, why aren't they doing tomorrow's new dance steps the way they used to yesterday?

                    (SHOUT: "Cause then they wouldn't be tomorrow's") or

                    (SHOUT: "I still do the rock") or

                    (SHOUT: "Twitch twitch")

          And who draws a perfect circle anymore?

                    (SHOUT: "Like a circle jerk") or

                    (SHOUT: "It's the return of the thin, white Duke") or

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Hey Janet, What does abstanance mean?")

(Janet looks perplexed)

          And if your waiting for greatness to shake hands with you

          You'd better daydream your life away

                    (SHOUT: "Like high school")

          I've only wanted one thing and that's for sure.

                    (ECHO: "...and that's a blow") or

                    (SHOUT: "A blowjob")

(Cosmo, Nation, Ricky, and Ansalong begin dancing around the television)

                    (SHOUT: "It's the solid gold dancers before they became Christians")

Cosmo, Nation, Ricky, and Ansalong: Your not just looking at a fast food king

                    (SHOUT/sing: "Walk like an Egyptian")

(The dancers "walk like Egyptians" - as in the song)

          Just another well known face

          Your not looking at the king of anything

(Nurse Ansalong climbs on top of the TV set)

                    (SHOUT: "Columbia always wanted to be on television") or

                    (SHOUT: "Now there's a set of bunny ears")

Farley: I'm gonna shoot for the moon

          I'm gonna play high noon

                    (SHOUT OVER: "What are you gonna do tonight?")

          I'm gonna take on the entire human race.

                    (SHOUT: "Ooh, me first!") or

                    (SHOUT: "Yes!")

Cosmo, Nation, Ricky, and Ansalong: You're not looking at a king

                    (ECHO: "Queen")

Farley: You're looking at an ace!

(Ansalong wiggles her legs as she sits on the television)

                    (SHOUT: "Hey Farley, there's a beaver above you, what do ya say?")

                    (AP: Make fart noise)

          Ooooh! I've got the sight and I've seen the light

                    (SHOUT: "The Band!")

          And I'm gonna see the coming day

                    (SHOUT: "Squirt!")

          When the sun in the sky is a spotlight just for me.

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Hey, let's mess up the film")

                    (AP: Run to the screen and wiggle your hands like the hands in the movie. The audio will sound like it's messing
                    up)

                    (SHOUT: "It's the Bill Cosby show!")

          I'm gonna take some time and rock some rhyme

                    (ECHO: "Do the rock some time")

          Oh, its gonna take you're breath away

                    (SHOUT/sing: "You take my breath away")

          You'll be the front page rage of the age

          Just wait and see.

                    (SHOUT: "Second verse, same as the first")

Cosmo, Nation, Ricky, and Ansalong: Your not just looking at a fast food king

          Just another well known face

          Your not looking at the king of anything

                    (ECHO: "Queen of burger king")

(Ricky steps into our view, so we can't see the television)

                    (SHOUT: "You make a better door than window")

                    (SHOUT: "Drop Dead Fred!")

(Ricky drops down below camera view, revealing Farley on the television again)

Farley: We're gonna shoot for the moon

          We're gonna play high noon

          We're gonna take on the entire human race.

                    (SHOUT: "Me first!")

                    (SHOUT: "You were first last time!")

Cosmo, Nation, Ricky, and Ansalong: You're not looking at a king

Farley: Oh no no no no - you're looking at an ace!

                    (ECHO: "Ass")

Cosmo, Nation, Ricky, and Ansalong: You're looking at an ace!

                    (ECHO: "Ass")

Farley: You're looking at a goddamn ace!

                    (ECHO: "Ass")

Cosmo, Nation, Ricky, and Ansalong: You're looking at an ace!

                    (ECHO: "Ass")

Farley: You're looking at an ace!

                    (ECHO: "Ass")

Cosmo, Nation, Ricky, and Ansalong: You're looking at an ace!

                    (ECHO: "Ass")

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Impersonate a stutterer")

Farley: You're looking at an a - a - a - a - ace!

                    (SHOUT: "Choooooo! Excuse me")

Nation: I just love home movies. Don't you?

                    (SHOUT: "So did Tommy and Pamela") or

                    (SHOUT: "So did Rob Lowe") or

                    (SHOUT: "Only with Rob Lowe")

Farley: Times tight Janet

                    (SHOUT: "So's Janet") or

                    (ECHO: "Your pussy's tight, Janet")

          Do it right Janet

                    (SHOUT: "Just don't bite, Janet") or

                    (ECHO: "Do me right, Janet")

          Until tomorrow night

                    (SHOUT: "Who's your favorite slut?")

          Janet?

Janet: Well, Farley Flavors is - fairly flattering.

                    (SHOUT OVER: "A fucking faggot")

(Janet chuckles)

                    (SHOUT: "She's a sophmore!") or

                    (SHOUT: "I made a funny")

          But, I wanna see Brad.

                    (SHOUT: "Naked") or

                    (SHOUT: "Nobody ever sees Brad, not no way, not no how")

Nation: But the question is, Janet, does Brad want to see you? Quite frankly he hates you.

Janet: What do you mean?

                   (SHOUT: "You're a bitch")

Cosmo: Brad is harboring deep feelings of hostility towards you, Janet.

                    (SHOUT OVER, OVERLAPPING NEXT LINE: "You have to sleep with <fill in the blank with name of fan or Shock
                    Treatment Charactor>")

Janet: Towards me?

                    (SHOUT: "Yes, you.")

Cosmo: Its classical. Almost a textbook case.

                    (SHOUT: "We wrote the book") or

                    (SHOUT OVER: "You also have to sleep with <fill in the blank with name of fan or Shock Treatment charactor>")

Janet: Oh no! (starts crying and buries face in her hands)

Cosmo: That's an extremely negative response.

                    (SHOUT: "I'd be negative too if I had to sleep with <fill in the name with previous name mentioned>")

Nation: Yes Janet, leave the crying to Brad.

                    (SHOUT/sing: "He's my asshole, and I'll cry if I want to")

Janet: Is it because I'm becoming too popular?

                    (SHOUT: "Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!")

Bert: On the contrar,y Janet. He wants to see your ratings soar!

                    (ECHO: "your pussy sore")

          He needs a woman of exceptional desirability.

                    (SHOUT: "Call 1-900-Nymphos") or

                    (SHOUT: "Text 'nympho' to 66966")

                    (SHOUT: "Like Susan Sarandan")

Nation: So you see Janet, you can help us to help him.

                    (ECHO: "Blow him") and then

                    (SHOUT: "Hey Janet, do you think you can fuck everyone in the audience tonight?")

Janet: Maybe I can.
 
 

(Scene switch to Terminal Ward. Ansalong is just leaving and Ricky is locking Brad's cage. Brad sits in his chair
in a straitjacket rocking his chair.)

                    (SHOUT/sing: "Nobody knows the trouble I've seen..")

(Scene switch to Farley watching his TV.)
 
 

(Scene switch to Betty and Oliver in the research lab throwing away papers.)

                    (Start SHOUTing these lines over the start of this scene: "Here's the scripts they were going to use for the sequel
                    to Rocky Horror. Thank God we used the good one.")

(Betty proceeds to throw the papers away).

Floor Manager: (Over PA system) Standby for Faith Factory rehearsal.

Betty: I bet that Macy Struthers had a hand in this.

                    (SHOUT: "I smell fish")

Oliver: Uh huh.

Betty: We'll probably be replaced by an hour of fashion tips.

                    (SHOUT: "Get a clue Betty")

Oliver: Now Betty don't over react.

Betty: Over react?

                    (ECHO: "Overact?")

          You're the one with theories about conspiracies

                    (SHOUT: "Starring Mel Gibson and Julia Roberts") and/or

                    (SHOUT: "I want to come")

          Oliver?

                    (SHOUT: "My face, bitch") or

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Do you fuck monkeys?")

Oliver: Yes Betty?

Betty: Are you spoken for this evening?

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Do you want a blow job?")

(Oliver's brows raise)
 
 

(Scene switch to Dentonvale conference room. Cosmo and Nation are reading folders.)

                    (SHOUT: "Hey, does anyone know the morse code for S.O.S.? Hey Bert, what's the morse code for S.O.S.?") or

                    (SHOUT: "The Titanic is sinking quick! Bert, what's morse code for S.O.S?")

(Bert taps his cane on the tabletop).

                    (SHOUT: "No wonder it sank")

Bert: All right, you guys. An early start tomorrow for Janet's debut on Good Morning Denton.

                    (SHOUT: "What's a day-boo?")

          By the time we unveil Farley's Faith Factory Show we will have all earned our beauty sleep.

                    (SHOUT: "You'll need it") or

                    (SHOUT: "Sleep in tomorrow")

Janet: Could I just peep in on Brad before I go home?

                    (SHOUT: "Peep peep!") or

                    (SHOUT: "Nobody ever sees Brad, not no way, not no how")

Bert: Home?

                    (SHOUT: "A residential building, but that's not important right now.")

Janet: Home.

                    (SHOUT/sing: "On the range...") or

                    (SHOUT: "ET!")

Nation: This is the nerve center of operations, Janet.

                    (SHOUT: "It's got a phone and everything!")

          You must stay here tonight. That way we can all be together when Mr. Sun paints us a new day with his golden brush.

                    (SHOUT: "I'm gonna puke") or

                    (SHOUT: "Romper Bomper Stomper Boo") then

                    (SHOUT: "Wasn't that a Nazi movie? - Australian") or

                    (SHOUT: "What?")

Cosmo: And you can peep in on Brad in the morning.

                    (SHOUT: "Oh") or

                    (SHOUT: "I'm sad")

Bert: Morning?

                    (SHOUT: "No, I always wear black")

(Ansalong and Ricky enter)

Nation: Are all the beds made up?

                    (SHOUT: "They apoligized.")

Ansalong: Oh yes, I plumped up all the pillows and changed up all th-

                    (SHOUT: "Shut up!")

Cosmo: Then lock up for the night.

Ansalong: Okay!

                    (SHOUT: "You fucked up, bitch, get your tits off my tank!")

(Ansalong and Ricky leave.)
 
 

(Scene shift to outside the studio. The Cop is walking around and securing the perimeter, shining his flashlight on the
ground.)

                    (SHOUT: "Why can't I find a dime when I need one?") or

                    (SHOUT: "He's looking for bugs, man!")

(The camera moves up onto a fire escape where Oliver and Betty are entering)

                    (SHOUT: "Discuss your sex lives") or

                    (SHOUT: "Betty found her G-spot!")

Oliver: Clever of you to find this spot, Betty

Betty: It pays to know your way around Oliver.

                    (SHOUT: "How well do you know your way around Oliver?") or

                    (SHOUT: "And boy, has she been around!")

          I thought the Home Of Happiness would give your theory a new perspective.

                    (SHOUT: "Walter Jacobson")

Oliver: A stately pleasure home indeed.

Betty: Oh! I adore Coleridge Taylor!

                    (SHOUT: "The fifth Beatle") or

                    (SHOUT: "Especially Fire And Rain")

          As a matter of fact

(Betty rummages through her handbag)

                    (SHOUT: "My vibrator's in here somewhere")

(Betty pulls out a book, opens it and removes a sheet of paper)

                    (SHOUT: "Here's my bill of sale")

          It is an ancient mariner

          And hestoppeth one of three

          By thy long grey beard

          And glittering eye

          Now wherefore stopp'st, thou me?

                    (NOTE: Your group should SHOUT a limerick of choice. Your cast/group could make up a limerick about a shock
                    treatment character so it's easier for others to remember or pick a common/popular one if you'd like. Read it over
                    her spout of poetry reading. Here's the one that seems to stick with the Kansas City fan club: "There once was a
                    whore from Peru - who filled her pussy with glue - she said with a grin - If they'll pay to get in - then they'll pay to
                    get out of me too.").

                    (SHOUT: "Hey Olly, she's horny!") or

                    (SHOUT: "Hey Oliver, wanna fuck?")

(Olly moans, looking a little worried)

                    (SHOUT: "Hey Janet, Do you spit or swallow?") or

                    (SHOUT: "Janet, what do you do after a blowjob?")

(Scene changes to show Janet brushing her teeth, with Ansalong in doorway. Janet spits)

                    (SHOUT: "She didn't spit when I was with her.")
 
 

(Song - "Lullaby")
 
 

(The camera moves from Janet's bathroom, to the next room, where we see Ricky laying in bed,reading the script.)

                    (SHOUT: "Okay, it says I'm supposed to lay here.")

(The camera moves on to the next room where Janet enters, and slips off her robe)

                    (SHOUT: "Leave it on! Leave it on!")

(The camera continues to move to the next room, where we see Bert sitting on his bed)

                    (SHOUT: "Go to sleep, Bird Shit!")

(Finally the camera stops at Cosmo & Nation's bedroom.)

Nation: I feel the heat from your skin

          And the stubble on your chin

          You're no good.

                    (ECHO: "You need a shave") and/or

                    (SHOUT: "How is she in bed?")

Cosmo: You're no good.

Nation: You've got dirt

                    (ECHO: "Shit")

          on your hands

                    (SHOUT: "Hey Cosmo, smell her pussy")

(Cosmo places his nose on her lower leg, and then her knee)

                    (SHOUT: "...closer...")

          And everybody

(Cosmo's nose moves to her upper leg)

                    (SHOUT: "That's it...")

          understands

          You're no good

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Now, how does it smell?")

Cosmo: Uuuh, You're no good.

                    (SHOUT: "She's spoiled - she's spoiled rotten!")

                    (SHOUT: "She's past her expiration date")

Nation: Oh what a joke

                    (SHOUT: "What?")

Cosmo: What a joke

                    (SHOUT: "Oh")

Nation: You feel like choking

                    (SHOUT: "Your chicken")

          You play for broke

                    (SHOUT: "What?")

Cosmo: You play for broke

                    (SHOUT: "Oh")

Nation: He'll leave you smoking

                    (SHOUT: "Sssssmokin'.")

Cosmo: Oh, romance is not a children's game.

                    (SHOUT: "Tell that to Woody Allen") or

                    (SHOUT: "Tell that to Jerry Seinfeld") or

                    (SHOUT: "Swallow the leader")

Nation: But you keep going back

          Its driving you insane.

                    (ECHO: "Driving Miss Daisy")

(Camera goes past Bert's window, where he still sits on his bed.)

                    (SHOUT: "Go to sleep Bird Shit!") or

                    (SHOUT: as we see Bert, "Ladies and Gentlemen, our very own, Bert Schnick!" - pause - "Nice job, Bert")

(Camera goes to Janet's window)

                    (SHOUT: "Hey Janet, say something we don't understand")

Janet: Drift into the treacle deep

                    (SHOUT: "What?")

          Slip into its silent depths

                    (SHOUT: "Oh")

(Phantom whisper): Go to sleep

                    (SHOUT: "For one night only, it's The Silhoettes")

(She turns the light out)

Janet: With your every thane akimbo

          Float into the sandman's limbo.

(Camera shifts to Ansalong and Ricky. Ricky is taking pictures of Ansalong in her teddy)

                    (SHOUT: "And this one's for my dad.")

(The polaroid camera flashes as a photo pops out)

                    (SHOUT: "And the next one's for my mom.")

Ansalong: Night night.

Ricky: Night night.

Ansalong: Its time for bye bye

                    (SHOUT: "Gwen Stefani")

          Its been a great day, thanks a heap.

                    (SHOUT: "Thank you, heap")

                    (SHOUT: "And the next one's for my website")

(Ricky takes another photo)

          Now its time for every one

(Ricky raises the blanket, offering his bed to her)

                    (SHOUT: "Now get under there and suck my cock, bitch")

          to go to sleep.

Phantom Voices: Night night

          Its time for bye bye

(The camera moves to Janet's room, where she sleeps)

                    (AP: Make obnoxious snores, the three stooges snore gets a good laugh as well)

          Its been a great day, thanks a heap

                    (SHOUT: "Thank you, heap")

(The camera passes Bert, still sitting on his bed)

                    (SHOUT: "Go to sleep, Bird Shit!") or

                    (SHOUT: "Nice job, Bert!") or

                    (SHOUT: "Once again, Bert Schnick!")

          Now its time

                    (AP: Clap your hands like you're trying to turn off a light with a "Clapper")

(The camera passes to Cosmo & Nation's bedroom, where Cosmo turns out the light, then spreads his arms wide as he approaches her in
bed)

                    (SHOUT: "Attack...of the roll-on deodorant!")

          for every one to go to sleep.

(The camera moves on to show Brad in his wheel chair in the cage, still rocking back and forth.)

                    (SHOUT/sing: "Harr E Kreesh Nah, Harr E Kreesh Nah...") or

                    (SHOUT: "Tell me about the lambs, Maurice")

(The camera moves on to the Audience passed out, asleep in their seats.)

                    (SHOUT: "It's an audience for Shock Treatment") or

                    (SHOUT: "It's an audience for Speed 2")
 
 

(The scene changes to the fire exit balcony that Oliver and Betty are on. Oliver is asleep and snoring and Betty is still reading to him. The
cop is still lurking around securing the area)

Betty: He went like one

          That hath been stunned

          And is of sense forlorn.

          A sadder and a wiser man

          He rose the morrow morn.

                    (SHOUT/NOTE: During this final spout of poetry from Betty, one selected person in the audience should start
                    questioning outloud: "Has anybody seen my bird?" "I can't find my bird" etc... Other fans/audience members can
                    respond like, "No, I haven't" or "What's it look like?" or "Maybe you should ask Betty?" - but in the end,
                    someone should say, "Hey, why don't you ask that cop?" - "Hey Pig, I can't find my bird!")

(The cop brings up the lights, and then turns to Betty and Oliver, holding up a dead bird)

Cop: Does this bird belong to you?

                    (SHOUT: "Overact, Betty!") or

                    (SHOUT: "Alfred Hitchcock's The Us")

(Betty shrieks in terror and throws her book)
 
 

Scene shift to Bert's room. His white Beta alarm clock is beeping)

                    (SHOUT: "Time is beeping...") or

                    (SHOUT: "Looks like an alarm clock to me")

(We can now see Bert, still sitting on his bed)

                    (SHOUT: "Go to sleep, Bird Shit!")

(Bert reaches over and shuts the alarm clock off and grabs his cane. We see a picture of Dr. Freud on the nightstand near the clock)

                    (SHOUT: "Why does a blind man have a picture on his nightstand?") or

                    (SHOUT: "Is that Freud?") then

                    (SHOUT: "What a fraud") or

                    (SHOUT: "Kentucky Freud Chicken - Mother Fuckin' Good")

(Next to the picture is a medicine bottle)

                    (SHOUT: "Bert's on viagra")

                    (SHOUT: "No wonder he's up all night")

(Bert sets out to look for Janet, as he walks down the hall with his blind cane)

                    (SHOUT: "I told you masterbating will make you go blind!")

(First he checks her room)

Bert: Janet?

                    (SHOUT: "Nope, utility closet") or

                    (SHOUT: "Norman?")

(Bert moves to the bathroom)

Bert: Are you decent, Janet?

                    (SHOUT: "Talk about your stupid questions")

(Bert enters and sees Janet in the shower. He takes off his glasses and goes in for a closer look. Janet's silhoette shows her washing her
left armpit)

                    (AP: Make fart noises with her arm motion)

                    (AP: Shoot waterguns)

(Nation bursts in the room as Bert moves closer to Janet's shower)

Nation: Hoopla Bert!

                    (SHOUT: "Fuck you, bitch")

          Nice to see you up an about.

                    (SHOUT: "Or just Up")

          Mac's waiting in the wardrobe, Janet.

                    (SHOUT: "And he's naked!") or

                    (SHOUT: "With the lion and the witch")

(We can see Janet again, still washing her armpit)

Janet: Uh huh.

                    (SHOUT OVER: "How long does it take to wash one fucking arm pit?!") then

                    (SHOUT: "One fucking scene - There are no fucking scenes in this movie!") and/or

                    (SHOUT: "It's a Janet marionette")

(Bert puts his glasses back on)

Nation: (to Bert) Care to join me in a non-sex act?

                    (SHOUT: "Don't do something I would do") or

                    (SHOUT: "What's the fun?")

(Bert nods.)

(Scene shifts to Terminal Ward. Ansalong is leaving. Ricky has just shut Brad's cell door. Brad is gagged and screaming.)

                    (SHOUT: "Get that tampon out of his mouth!") or

                    (SHOUT: "Larry Flynt made a yummy sound")
 
 

(Scene shift to the wardrobe room. Cosmo is walking around, reading a folder.)

                    (SHOUT: "Michael Stipe is MacArthur")

                    (SHOUT: "It's a beautiful morning. Everything is beautiful. The sun is shining...")

(Cosmo passes the American Gothic painting)

                    (continued SHOUT: "...The air is clean, Hey wait! (referring to the painting) Wasn't that in the other movie? Oh
                    well, it's still a beautiful morning and I'm feeling beautiful.")

(Cosmo stops in his tracks)

                    (SHOUT: "Hey Cosmo, Are you feeling beautiful? What time is it?")

(Cosmo looks at his watch)

                    (SHOUT: "It's time to feel beautiful")

(Cosmo places his fingertips on his temple in a comic pose)

                    (SHOUT, as Cosmo: "I'm feeling beautiful")

(Janet steps in and looks around.)

Janet: Good morning. I wanna see Brad.

                    (ECHO: "I wanna be Sedated") (Ramones reference) or

                    (SHOUT: "Nobody ever sees Brad. Not no way, not no how")

(Cosmo steps in front of her showing her a mirror. His head is peering over the mirror top)

                    (SHOUT: "Brad! You're beautiful!") or

                    (SHOUT: "That's not Brad!") or

                    (SHOUT/sing: "I ain't got no body") or

                    (SHOUT/sing in falsetto: "You're Beautiful") James Blunt reference or

                    (SHOUT: "It's true. The longer you are married, the more you look alike")

Cosmo: Look at yourself. You're beautiful. The most desirable creature that ever walked.

                    (SHOUT: "I'd hate to see the ugly one") or

                    (SHOUT/sing: "Here she is, Miss America")

(Cosmo's fingertips massage the edge of the mirror)

                    (SHOUT: "He's fingering Janet") and

                    (SHOUT: "Isn't that glassterbation?")

Janet: Oh, if only Brad could have found it within himself to say

                    (ECHO: "Do")

          those things to me.

                    (SHOUT: "Well, he did write it")

Cosmo: He will. But its up to you to reawaken his feelings.

                    (SHOUT: "With the help of Viagra")

          Farley's given you that chance.

                    (SHOUT: "Not a community chest")

          You can use the breakfast show to knock Denton dead.

                    (SHOUT: "Like this audience")

Janet: Do you really think so?

                    (SHOUT: "It worked for Katie Couric")

Cosmo: Everybody needs you.

                    (SHOUT/sing: "Everybody Wants You!") (Billy Squier)

Janet: Hmm. But what'll I do? What'll I say?

Cosmo: Hmm?

Janet: What'll I wear?

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Who sings Take On Me?")

Cosmo: Aha!

                    (SHOUT/sing: "Take on me")
 
 

(Song - "Little Black Dress")
 
 

                    (SHOUT: "The Versace Song") and/or

                    (SHOUT: "How long have you been gay?")

Cosmo: Ever since I was a little boy

          Dressing up

                    (ECHO: "Jacking off")

          has always been my greatest joy

          But when its time to be discreet

          There's one thing you just can't

                    (ECHO: "...I love to")

          beat

                    (ECHO: "Come on baby, beat my meat")

          And that's a strapless backless classical

          Little black dress

                    (SHOUT: "Good old fashioned nightmare fuel") or

                    (SHOUT: "Take it away O.J.") or

                    (SHOUT: "How do you perform an abortion?")

          Well first you go rip rip rip

          Then you go snip snip snip

          Then you whip in a zip zip zip

                    (ECHO: "Then your pussy goes drip drip drip")

          And split it up to the

                    (ECHO: "Runnin' down on your...")

          hip hip hip

          And as you strip strip strip

          You shiver, quiver for that soft

                    (ECHO: "crotch")

          caress

          As you slip slip slip

          Into that little black dress.

                    (SHOUT: "Cover that shit up, it stinks")

(Cosmo drapes a black sheet of material over Janet's head)

Nation: Ah, hoopla.

(Scene shift to Bert and Nation going into Janet's dressing room.)

                    (SHOUT: "Bert, say something we don't understand")

Bert: Ever since I was the eina kliena heiren

                    (SHOUT: "Hey, I've got a hairy recliner!")

          It was the cordon bleu for which I am most caring

                    (SHOUT: "What?")

          And the one taste treat so sweet

                    (SHOUT OVER next few lines: "Somewhere around here I left a freezer full of Always Save Dog Food…")

                    (SHOUT: "Someone stole my ants from my ant farm…")

          That really can't be beat

                    (SHOUT: "…and put them in a bowl in the fridge")

          Is what we have ya, how you are, caviar

(Bert grabs a bowl of caviar from the fridge)

          that little black mess.

                    (SHOUT: "That's disgusting")

(Cosmo and Janet enter. She's wearing a new black dress)

                    (SHOUT: "So's that")

Cosmo: Hey! Viola!

                    (SHOUT: "That's the dress my aunt was buried in") or

                    (SHOUT: "That's no hat, that's a space station")

                    (NOTE: Next chorus uses same ECHOES as mentioned in first chorus)

                    (SHOUT: "What's it like to fuck a virgin?")

Janet: Well first you go rip rip rip

          Then you go snip snip snip

          Then you whip in a zip zip zip

          Split it up to the hip hip hip

(Janet gets up on the table and starts dancing and breaking things)

                    (SHOUT: "That's White Star Line property. You'll pay for that")

          Then as you strip strip strip

          You quiver, shiver for that soft caress

          As you slip slip slip

          Into that little black dress

          That minimal (minimal)

          criminal (criminal)

          siniful little black dress.

Nation: Lets face it Mac that basic black is coming back

(Janet strikes a pose)

                    (SHOUT: "Vogue")

Bert: Lets face it Mac that basic black is coming back

(Janet strikes a pose)

                    (SHOUT: "Vogue")

Bert & Nation: Lets face it Mac that basic black is coming back

(Janet strikes a pose)

                    (SHOUT: "Vogue")

Janet: That minimal (minimal)

                    (SHOUT: "Welcome to Olan Mills")

          criminal (criminal)

          siniful

                    (SHOUT: "Time for a family portrait")

          Little black dress.

(Group sits on furniture in a pose reminiscent of Rocky Horror's Sweet Transvestite throne scene)
 
 
 
 
 

(Scene shift to studio floor. Floor Manager is trying to wake up the audience. Oscar Drill and The Bits pass in the background)

                    (SHOUT: "It's Hanson!")

FloorManager: (whistles) Good morning, Denton. Rise and shine.

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Yawn...are we there yet?")

          She'll be here any second now so lets give her a great big hand.

                    (AP: Big cardboard hand past the screen, as in earlier AP scene)

(Audience cheers as Janet, Cosmo, Nation and Bert dance their way down the stairs. A crowd has gathered at the bottom of the stairs to
greet them)

Neely: Oh Janet, I can't tell you how excited I am.

                    (SHOUT: "Nipple check")

          For you.

                    (SHOUT: "Ass-kisser")

          We've got the band and dancers and dry ice standing by. Betty Hapshatt is indisposed

                    (AP: Make flush sound)

          so Macy'll have to do the introductions.

Janet: Oh, I don't need introductions.

                    (SHOUT: "But you do need glasses, eh stupid? Sorry, wrong part") or

                    (SHOUT: "But you do need batteries")

(Camera to Betty and Oliver watching from above. Camera to Macy giving Janet an introduction on the Good Morning Denton set)

Macy: The fabulous.

                    (SHOUT: "Bakerboys") or

                    (SHOUT: "Thunderbirds")

The golden.

                    (SHOUT: "Girls") or

                    (SHOUT: "Brush")

The very wonderful.

                    (SHOUT: "World of Disney") then

                    (SHOUT: "Did you know Macy's pussy smells funny?") or

                    (SHOUT: "The answer is mental instability")

(Scene shift to Betty and Oliver watching from above)

Betty: I knew it!

(Scene shift to cheerleaders in tu-tus)

Cheeleaders: Janet Janet Janet Janet

                    (SHOUT: "Jackson!")

                    (SHOUT: "And now a song about skitzoprenia") or

                    (SHOUT: "Hey Janet, are you skitzoprenic?")
 
 

(Song: "Me Of Me")
 
 

Janet: There's just the two of me

                    (SHOUT: "Sally Field as Sybil")

          Alone at last together

          We've got the luck so far

                    (SHOUT: "What's your favorite Madonna song?")

          We are my lucky star

                    (SHOUT: "Close your legs, we're getting an echo") or

                    (SHOUT: "God") or

                    (SHOUT: during the echo, "Oh, shit. I think I just broke it.")

(The last word echoes. The Cheerleaders start to dance)

                    (SHOUT: "The Fantasia Hippos")

(Janet starts getting into the music)

                    (SHOUT: "It's a Motels song")

(There are 3 white collums on the stage)

                    (SHOUT: "Three white men on Viagra") and/or

                    (SHOUT: "Janet, where'd you park my car?")

          Deep in the heart of me

                    (ECHO: "of Texas") or

                    (SHOUT: "Do you like pussy?")

          I love every part of me

                    (SHOUT: "It's all about you, isn't it?")

          All I can see

                    (ECHO: "fit")

          in me

          Is the danger and ecstasy

                    (SHOUT: "I've never tried danger")

          One thing there couldn't be

                    (ECHO: "One day I couldn't pee")

          Is any more me in me

                    (ECHO: "There was no more pee in me")

(Floor manager steps into view. When he steps aside, Janets seems to have vanished.)

                    (SHOUT: "She's gone, we can all go home")

                    (AP: When Janet pops back into view, everybody scream, or yell "psych!")

Cheerleaders: This is the me of me

          Me me me!

                    (SHOUT: "Doe Doe, Ray Ray")

Janet: Me me

                    (SHOUT: "How does a cat stutter?")

          Me me me

                    (SHOUT: "Janet won't be needing her diaphram anymore")

          Me me me

                    (SHOUT: "Get rid of it") or

                    (SHOUT: "Give me head!")

(Janet throws hat into the audience.)

                    (AP: Make a deep winded twirlin motion sound)

                    (SHOUT: "That's no hat, that's a space station")

          I am my destiny

                    (SHOUT: "How do you say Fuck Me Hard in French?")

          Je croie en toujour en moi. Ha ha ha

                    (SHOUT/sing: "Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, çe soir?" <the french part of LaBelle's song Lady Marmalade>) or

                    (SHOUT: "Debbie Harry") or

                    (SHOUT: "Which means?")

          I'd never lie to me

                    (SHOUT: "That's not what it means")

          I'd be willing to die for moi.

                    (SHOUT/sing: "I'd die for me and that's the truth")

(Janet begins wrecking band setup)

                    (AP: Make slapstick screams when she knocks over setup)

          I'll pray every day to me

                    (SHOUT: "Oh God")

          And here's what I'd say to me

                    (SHOUT: "She's not exactly Pete Townsend")

Cheerleaders: This is the me of me

          Me me me!

                    (SHOUT: "What did Janet name her cat?") or

                    (SHOUT: "Who's your favorite character on the Drew Carey Show?")

Janet: Me me

                    (SHOUT: "He's masturbating!" or "..wanking it" or any masturbation reference of choice)

(Farley gets excited)

                    (SHOUT: "He made a yummy sound")

                    (NOTE: continue masturbation jokes throughout rest of chorus)

                    (AP: Someone should run to the screen and pretend to jack him off)

          Me me me

                    (SHOUT: "It looks like an 80's video")

          Me me me

(Janet grabs guitar)

          Me me me

                    (SHOUT: "Who does she think she is? Joan Jett?")

          Ohh me me

          Me me me

          Ohhhh me me

          Look at me

          Moi Moi

                    (SHOUT: "Godzilla")

                    (SHOUT: "Let's see some really cheap symbolism")

(Two of the three white pillars fall down)

                    (SHOUT: "I guess Viagra doesn't last forever") and/or

                    (SHOUT: "Two out of three ain't bad")
 
 

(Farley gives a thumb up "Ahh" of approval.)

                    (SHOUT: "Fonzie") or

                    (SHOUT: "I'd hate to clean under his desk")

                    (SHOUT: "Hey Betty, one of those penises is still erect")

(Betty rushes down to the set.)

(Scene goes back to Macy concluding the segment.)

                    (SHOUT OVER, as Betty runs down: "What's your favorite conjunction?")

Macy: And

                    (SHOUT: "Mine, too") or

                    (SHOUT: "I like butt")

          you can see and hear

                    (ECHO: "scratch and sniff")

          Janet tonight on Faith Factory,

                    (SHOUT: "Unless you're blind and deaf")

          brought to you by Farley Flavors.

                    (ECHO: "Pillsbury")

                    (SHOUT: "There's a smurf on Janet's face")

(Oscar approaches Janet and pats her face cheek)

                    (SHOUT: "Got it! Smurfs zero, Movie one!")

(Various members of the band and floor cast quickly congratulate Janet and walk off. Bert, Nation and Cosmo approach her)

Bert: Out of self came selflessness

                    (SHOUT: "Out of Janet came a...uh...she just came")

Nation: You revealed yourself

                    (SHOUT: "I feel sick")

          the real you, the secret you.

                    (ECHO: "The Secret Garden")

Cosmo: And you liked what you saw, didn't you, Janet?

Janet: Well I -

Betty: How's Brad?

                    (SHOUT: "In bed?")

Janet: Oh well, if he caught my act he'll be looking good!

(Wardrobe mistress walks by and hands Janet her hat.)

                    (SHOUT: "Here's your diaphram. Don't lose it again")

          It seems I'm his medicine so we're off to give him another spoonful.

                    (SHOUT OVER: "There's a smurf on Betty's back, somebody get it!")

(Janet slaps Betty's backside)

                    (SHOUT: "Smurfs zero, movie two!")

          Check ya later Betty. Gotta freshen up.

                    (SHOUT: "Douche?")

                    (SHOUT: "Laugh like a chicken")

(Cosmo laughs arrogantly, as everyone exits.)
 
 

(Scene switches to Kirk's coffee corner. Harry, Emily and the floor manager are in line)

                    (SHOUT: "It's the first Starbucks")

Kirk: Gee, how 'bout that. Janet was a knockout!

                    (ECHO: "a hooker") or

                    (SHOUT: "So was Mike Tyson") or

                    (SHOUT: "You've got a big ass!")

Emily: Thank you

Kirk: Yeah, she was terrific. Sexy!

Harry: What?

                    (SHOUT: "Fuck up")

Kirk: At the same time, fresh, untouched, you know. Hey, how's Brad?

Harry & Emily: He's fine.

                    (SHOUT: "Jinx")

(They look at each other simultaneously. Harry grabs his coffee and Kirk picks up the sugar for him)

Kirk: Lucky dog, with a pretty girl like that for a wife.

                    (ECHO: "Bitch")

Harry: Yeah, he sure is. No sugar. Thanks Kirk.

                    (ECHO: "Thanks dear")

Kirk: (to Floor Manager) Well, I'll sugar his daughter's.

Betty: Coffee Kirk

                    (SHOUT: "That's Captain Kirk to you, bitch")

          I'm dying for it.

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Okay, time for Hillbilly magic. Guess which cup the balls under")

Kirk: (Putting Betty's cup down on the counter upside down) R.I.P., Betty.

                    (SHOUT: "Really Ignorant Personality")

          Your off the air.

                    (SHOUT: "Like Rosanne") or

                    (SHOUT: "Like a Tim Curry series")

(Betty and Oliver walk over to the research lab)

Betty: What's happening here?

                    (SHOUT: "Where's Brad? Where's anybody?")

          Janet's on the breakfast show. Brad's committed to a nowhere series

                    (SHOUT: "Jenny")

          and we've been...

(Betty is having trouble with her key in the office lock)

Oliver: Written out?

                    (SHOUT: "Damn rewrites!")
 
 

(Dentonvale opening)

                    (SHOUT: "OH SHIT!!! NOT AGAIN!!!")

(During this scene Brad's words, although sometimes understandable, are still muffled, because he is gagged. His words are marked off
by brackets.)

Announcer: Dentonvale

                    (SHOUT: "Starring Brad Majors as Cristopher Reeve")

                    (SHOUT: "…in Nell 2 - The Homecoming")

(Scene shows Harry practicing his putting, while Brad is still bound and gagged in his wheelchair inside the cage.)

          The Mission of Mercy. Starring the increasingly popular Janet Majors.

(Enter Janet)

Janet: Hi Mommy! Hi Daddy! Hi Brad, I've just come to tell you how fabulous I am.

                    (ECHO: "...how slutty I am")

Brad: [Janet!]

Emily: Janet! Where's that lovely dress I made you?

                    (SHOUT: "Goodwill")

Janet: Oh well, Mac just whipped up this little crowd pleaser.

                    (SHOUT: "His latest creation after the Big Mac")

Harry: Why, you're practically naked!

Janet: Well, I can't wear anything under it, Daddy. It would spoil the line.

                    (SHOUT: "My lines are so spoiled, I don't know what to do...") or

                    (SHOUT: "Hey Brad, what do you say while giving a blow job?")

                    (NOTE: The humor in that last joke is Brad's answer is muffled gags)

Brad: (angry) [Spoil the line?! - - -]

Emily: My God, Janet. How can you say such things.

                    (SHOUT: "It's in the script")

          Look at Brad. Look what they've done to him.

(Enter Cosmo, Nation, Bert, Ansalong, and Ricky)

Cosmo: Aah! Janet's parents?

                    (SHOUT: "Did he say parrots?")

Harry: Are you the doctor?

                    (SHOUT: "No, I'm the master")

Cosmo: Yes.

Harry: There's gonna have to be an investigation

                    (SHOUT: "Call Geraldo") or

                    (ECHO: "...to be another letter")

Cosmo: Oh?

                    (SHOUT: "No, Z")

Harry: There are regulations against this sort of thing

Janet: Its for his own good.

Bert: Hoopla Janet!

                    (SHOUT: "Fuck you, Bert!")

Janet: Bert! Sweetheart! Oh, its fabulous to see you!

                    (SHOUT: "Wish he could say the same")

(Dentonvale crew starts clapping in joy. Janet and Bert go to sit down on thecouch. Harry is still confused)

Harry: What's going on here?

Janet: (Sitting down with Bert) ...yes, of course

Bert: I adore that color

                    (SHOUT: "Black is a blind man's favorite color") or

                    (SHOUT: "Of course, that's the only color you see…")

(Brad grumbles. Camera goes to Cosmo leading the Weisses into the cell with him)

Cosmo: The patient was in great danger of doing himself a mischief.

                    (SHOUT: "So give him some raisins")

Nation: We only want what's best for him. As parents you must understand.

                    (SHOUT: "He said parrots again")

Harry: No. No I don't. Brad doesn't need to be trussed up like a turkey.

                    (SHOUT: "He said turkey") or

                    (SHOUT: "No, he's trussed up like a parrot") or

                    (SHOUT: "Gobble gobble")

There are drugs to keep him quiet.

                    (SHOUT: "I'll take five dollars worth") or

                    (SHOUT: "No there's not. I did them all")

Nation: We used them, all of them.

                    (SHOUT: "Next time give Brad some")

Emily: And none of them worked?

Nation: No.

                    (SHOUT: "They were unemployed")

Harry: Then double the strength.

Nation: We did.

Cosmo: We know our job.

Nation: We also know how you feel. We're not strangers to confusion.(Farley laughs)

Emily: We're not confused

                    (ECHO: "Losers").

Harry: Well I am, goddamn it. You trust Brad with this crowd pleaser?

                    (ECHO: "You trust our country to Bush?")
 
 

(Song: "Shock Treatment")
 
 

(Drum track begins, sort of a "tribal" feel)

                    (SHOUT: "Jumanji!") or

                    (SHOUT: "Wipeout!")

                    (NOTE: A few times during the start of this song, we can see Janet moving her arm to the beat of the music.
                    However, it "looks" like she's masterbating Bert. Make jokes as necessary)

                    (SHOUT: "Say something we don't understand")

Cosmo: I'm not a locum with motives to suture myself

                    (SHOUT: "What?")

          I've been a cynic for too many years

                    (SHOUT: "What do you do with your sister?")

          Playing doctor and nursey can't be good for your health

          I've seen clinics, with those gimmicks in Tangiers.

                    (SHOUT: "Thank you, Dr. Benway")

Nation: But if you open your heart

                    (ECHO: "legs") or

                    (ECHO: "crotch")

          to a smooth operator

                    (SHOUT: "Sade") or

                    (SHOUT: "One ringadingy, two ringadingies…") or

                    (SHOUT: "Hold please")

          He'll take you for all that you've got

          He'll hand you a curse

                    (ECHO: "purse")

          that'll be with you later

                    (ECHO: "that'll hold a vibrator") or

                    (SHOUT: "Lon Chaney")

          It'll shake ya the way he takes off

                    (SHOUT: "I'm thirsty")

          Like a shot

                    (SHOUT: "Make it a double") or

                    (SHOUT: "Bang!")

Cosmo: You need a bit of, ooh, Shock Treatment

(Bert's glasses get crushed. We can see his eyes)

                    (SHOUT: "Aaaah!" - "At least he isn't naked") or

                    (SHOUT: "The only place he got sunburnt is underneith his sunglasses")

                    (Another SHOUT you can yell for Bert is "I'm feeling beautiful!") or

                    (SHOUT: "I feel so fancy!")

          Yes you're jumping like a real live wire.

          You need a bit of, ooh, Shock Treatment

          So look out mister, don't you blow your last resistor

                    (ECHO: "Don't you blow your little sister")

          For a vista

                    (ECHO: "fister")

          that'll mystify ya!

                    (ECHO: "satisfy ya")

Ansalong: You're blinded by romance

          You're blinded by science

                    (SHOUT: "She blinded me with science")

                    (SHOUT: "She blinded me with beaver!") or

                    (SHOUT OVER: "I paid $2 to see this film, I wanna see a beaver shot") or

                    (SHOUT: "I'm a little worried about the Beaver")

(Ansalong swings seductively on the cage)

          You're condition is critically grave

                    (SHOUT: "Dead")

          But don't expect mercy

                    (SHOUT: "You're welcome") or

                    (SHOUT: "Mercy, mercy, mercy")

          from such and alliance

          Suspicion of tradition's so new wave

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Hey Brad, Cosmo's gone. You can go home now.")

(Cosmo pops up behind Brad, startling him)

                    (SHOUT: "Psych!")

                    (NOTE: For remaining two choruses, use the same ECHOES as first chorus)

Cosmo: You need a bit of, ooh, Shock Treatment

          Yes you're jumping like a real live wire

          You need a bit of

                    (SHOUT OVER: "It's the Cranberries")

          Ooh, Shock Treatment

          So look out mister, don't you blow your last resistor

          For a vista that'll certify ya! (fy ya, fy ya, fy ya!)

                    (SHOUT: "Don't yell fire in a crowded theater." - "Crowded theater? Where?")

          You need a bit of, ooh, Shock Treatment

          Yes you're jumping like a real live wire

          You need a bit of, ooh, Shock Treatment

          So look out mister, don't you blow your last resistor

          For a vista that'll certify ya! (fy ya, fy ya, fy ya!)

(Everyone gets up and dances around Brad's cage.)

                    (SHOUT: "Hey everybody, try to grab the ass in front of you!")

(Farley is dancing in hisoffice. Betty and Oliver are watching from above)

Betty: Look at that!

                    (SHOUT: "The Macarena!")

          Bert Schniks' dancing!

                    (SHOUT: "You call that dancing?")

          Bert can see!

                    (SHOUT: "It's a miracle! Hallelujah!") or

                    (SHOUT: "Clarence was right!")

Oliver: Macabre isn't it.

                    (SHOUT: "What?")

          The blind leading the blind.

                    (SHOUT: "They're trying to find the corner") or

                    (ECHO: "The bland leading the bland")

(Everyone dances out of the Terminal Ward)
 
 

(Scene switches to the studio floor where Ralph welcomes Janet to the Faith Factory rehearsal. A large picture of
Farley is being carried in)

                    (SHOUT: "Janet likes her men big")

Ralph: Welcome to the Faith Factory rehearsal.

Janet: Thank you.

Ralph: We're all really excited about tonight.

                    (SHOUT: "Nipple check")

Janet: Oh! Do I get one of those? (referring to the giant picture)

                    (SHOUT: "I said a wallet size, not a wall size!")

Ralph: Uh, yes. Yes of course you do.

(Janet is being greeted by loyal fans. Much commotion. Audience is chanting"Janet, Janet, We want Janet".)

                    (SHOUT/chant: "Janet, Janet, we had Janet") or

                    (SHOUT/chant: "Janet, Janet, we hate Janet")

(Farley is watching from his office)

Janet: Hi kids, Hi. Oh, really?

Ralph: Macy, why don't you take Janet and - help her freshen up before the rehearsal?

                    (ECHO: "...and beat the crap out of her") or

                    (SHOUT: "She's, well….not so fresh")

Macy: Sure.

(The crowd that has gathered around her gets upset.)

Crowd: Aw no. . .

(Crowd follows her. In the crowd are band members. Frankie approaches Ralph)

Frankie: Ralph, you promised me an introduction.

Ralph: Later Francine.

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Who's your god?") or

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Who's your favorite Rocky Horror character?")

Frankie: (upset) Frankie!

                    (SHOUT: "Mine, too") or

                    (SHOUT: "Who does she think she is? Sinatra?")

Ralph: Bert, could you spare a moment?

                    (ECHO: "a quarter?")

Bert: Of course.

(Bert, Ralph, and Floor manager step aside. Camera goes to the winding staircase. Audience is still chanting
"Janet Janet we want Janet!". The crowd of band members and camera crew have followed her. Neely stops her
just before she goes upstairs)

Neely: Janet a quick word.

                    (SHOUT: "fast?")

          Could you tell our viewers what exactly you will be representing

                    (ECHO: "eating")

          tonight?

                    (SHOUT: "Leftover meatloaf")

Janet: Uh - Sanity For Today.

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Sex, drugs, rock n roll") or

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Sex, drugs, Albania")

(Crowd claps)

                    (SHOUT: "Belch, I'm full")

Oscar: Wow!

Neely: And that's the word from Janet Majors, DTV's newest star. Okay guys let's move on.

                    (SHOUT OVER: "And now, Amateur poetry night at Leonas")

(Camera goes behind steps to Bert, Ralph, and Floor Manager.)

Ralph: How's Brad?

                    (ECHO: "How's the asshole?")

Bert: He's a wreck.

                    (SHOUT: "So's the Titanic") and/or

                    (SHOUT: "Posideon")

Ralph: Check. The quacks are willing tools?

                    (SHOUT OVER: "How's my asshole?")

Bert: Aaah, The quacks are fools.

                    (SHOUT: "Don't talk about my crack like that!") or

                    (SHOUT: "A couple of dumb ducks")

Ralph: Y'know, I wouldn't mind doing Janet one or two favors

                    (SHOUT: "Nudge nudge, wink wink")

Bert: Its time to check with Flavors.

                    (SHOUT: "31")

(Bert pulls an antenna out of his cane making it a walkie talkie. He blows into it to test it.)

                    (SHOUT: "Beam me up, Scotty")

(Scene shifts to Farley's office - "buzz" - Farley picks up the phone.)

                    (SHOUT: "I'm gonna come!") or

                    (SHOUT: "There's a smurf on that asshole!")

                    (AP: Run to the screen and point your gun finger at Farley)

Farley: Shoot.

                    (SHOUT: "Boom! Got 'em! Movie two, smurfs zero!") or

                    (SHOUT: "Bang!")
 
 

(Scene shifts to Janet's dressing room. Nation and Cosmo are at the bar. Macy is making sure Janet is ready. "Carte Blanche" is played in
the background.)

Macy: Is there anything else you'd like Janet?

Janet: Yeah, a new carpet.

                    (ECHO: "script")

          I hate the color.

                    (ECHO: "Plot")

          Don't you?

                    (SHOUT: "What? You don't like Pepto Bismol?")

(Macy checks her clipboard and leaves. Whenever the door opens the crowd is heard chanting "Janet Janet we want Janet!")

Nation: Its only one night Janet. Don't forget who we're doing this for.

Janet: Who?

                    (SHOUT: "20th Century Fox") or

                    (SHOUT: "Jerry Lewis") or

                    (SHOUT: "Of all the gin joints…")

Cosmo: Brad.

Janet: Y'know I'm getting awfully sick of hearing about that emotional cripple. I've got a lot going for me. I'm going
places.

                    (SHOUT/sing: "I'm movin' on up...to the east side..")

          I'm gonna be someone. I'm gonna win my way into the lives and hearts of the people even if I have to kill to do it.

                    (SHOUT: "It's the return of Joan Crawford")

(Cosmo & Nation exchange worried glances)

                    (SHOUT: "Good god, we've created a monster")

          I'll make the pathetic little crones love me.

                    (SHOUT: "Confused?") or

                    (SHOUT: "Pause...and then")

          I don't even know why I'm wasting my time here with you

                    (SHOUT: "We were saying the same thing")

          I should be with my people.

(In the background the radio commercial plays "Carte Blanche is like an avalanche, it kinda snowballs and sets you free")

                    (SHOUT: "Is that a parrot singing on the radio?")

                    (SHOUT: "Cosmo was right. It must be Janet's parrots")

(Janet gets up and walks out to the balcony near the winding staircase and waves)

                    (SHOUT/sing: "Don't cry for me, Argentina") while others sing:

                    (SHOUT/chant: "Evita, Evita, Evita,…")

(The audience is still chanting. At the bottom of the stairs is the band. The crowd goes wild when Janet comes out)

Band: Hey Janet!

Glitch: Girl, you're great.

                    (ECHO: "Ugly")

Janet: Oh, well thanks.

Frankie: Hi, my name's Frankie.

Band: Francine!

                    (SHOUT: "Frankie Francine?") or

                    (ECHO: "Moesha!")

Frankie: And I think you're beautiful.

                    (SHOUT: "Is she blind too?") or

                    (SHOUT: "In an ugly kinda way")

(Scene shift to dressing room. Nation and Cosmo are putting pills in a drink for Janet.)

                    (SHOUT: " Jelly Bellies, the Gourmet jelly beans!")

(Scene back to the band)

Brenda: Hi. I'm Brenda. This is my brother

                    (ECHO: "and this is my statue")

          Oscar and this is our friend, Glitch Davidson.

                    (SHOUT: "Party of Five") or

                    (SHOUT: "Welcome to 90210")

Glitch: Janet, we really enjoyed being on the breakfast show with you this morning.

                    (SHOUT: "They enjoyed being on you this morning?")

(Janet waves to the audience and they go wild. Glitch's words subsequently are drowned out. Nation approaches Janet with a drink)

Nation: This is Janet. She's a phenomenon.

                    (SHOUT: "Hey Janet, they're lookin' up your dress!") or

                    (ECHO: "She's in Phenonmenon - with John Travolta")

(Janet takes a sip)

Janet: (singing) So if you're looking for a standard to which you can aspire

          Then baby, look at me!

                    (SHOUT: "She's still stuck on herself?") or

                    (ECHO: "I gotta pee!")

          Oh oh oh!Look at me!

                    (ECHO: "I gotta pee!") or

                    (SHOUT: "Hey Janet, want another beer?")

(Janet stumbles)

                    (SHOUT: "Guess not") or

                    (SHOUT: "This is the weirdest production of Evita I have ever seen")

Nation: I think you need a little rest. You've got a big night ahead of you.

                    (ECHO: "...a big dyke in bed with you")

(Nation walks Janet off stage)

Frankie: Your clothes are real neat.

                    (SHOUT: "We can see up your dress - you're not wearing panties!")

(Door closes.)
 
 

(Scene shifts to Macy and Ralph being interviewed at the bottom of the stairs by Neely. The band passes by chanting
"Janet Janet we want Janet" in the background)

Floor Manager: Reminder, wardrobe check for Faith Factory medical outfits.

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Look at Macy's tits!") or

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Hey, Macy. Nice tits!")

Macy: Aren't they great? But getting back to Faith Factory, all in all, it looks like an exciting new series for us.

                    (SHOUT: "Leave It To Macy's Beaver")

Ralph: Yes, and an attractive financial prospect for Denton.

Neely: And fashion wise?

                    (SHOUT: "We're sure you will adapt") or

                    (SHOUT: "Betty's losing her memory")

(Camera switch to Betty on the phone. Oliver is on the phone next to her)

Betty: What did I tell you?

                    (SHOUT: "It's a Barbie world")

Macy: Well, I can just say that Faith Factory will be introducing a new look. It will show off one or two old faces

                    (SHOUT: "George Burns and Frank Sinatra")

          in an exciting new light.

Neely: Really? Sounds interesting.

(SHOUT OVER: "Betty's losing her hearing")

Betty: Did you hear that Oliver?

Oliver: Yes, Betty.

                    (SHOUT: "He's standing right next to you") or

                    (SHOUT: "I've glued the phone to my head")

          The false promise of a new dawn usually leads to a most bloody sunset.

                    (SHOUT: "What?") or

                    (SHOUT: "Thank you for using AT & T") or

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Hey Ralph, do you like girls?")

Ralph: No, I don't know what Janet's next move will be, but you can be sure of one thing,

                    (SHOUT: "Point to your dick")

          it all starts (pointing) right here.

                    (SHOUT: "On my finger") or

                    (SHOUT: "Pull my finger!")

Neely: Thank you. And that's the word from Ralph Hapshatt and Macy Struthers.

                    (SHOUT: "Trumpets") or

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Now you have to sleep with Bert")

(Ralph and Macy drop their smiles)

(Cameras on Betty and Oliver near the directional sign for the wardrobe room. They hang up the phone and approach us…)

                    (SHOUT: "That was a close call…")

                    (NOTE: This short exchange of dialogue can be covered by shouts of scene related shouts. Notice the sign
                    behind Oliver that directs the "dressing room" and "Wardrobe". When it we can only read "War" because Oliver
                    stands in the way, shout, "It's war!" and when we can only read "Dressing" and "War" shout, "It's a dressing
                    war!" and when we can only read "Wa", shout "Waaaaaaa!")

Betty: Oh, Oliver.

                    (SHOUT: "My face")

Oliver: hmm?

Betty: What are we going to do?

                    (SHOUT: "It's alright, Betty, everything's gonna be alright")

Oliver: Care to indulge?

                    (SHOUT: "I've got gummy bears in my pocket - they're still warm") or

                    (SHOUT: "You indulge, you bulge")

Betty: Indulge?

Oliver: Uh huh. In a little, um…

                    (SHOUT: "Porn?") or

                    (SHOUT: "Dick?") or

                    (SHOUT: "Cheap sex?") or

                    (SHOUT: "Tax evasion?")

          masquerade.

                    (ECHO: "Roleplaying?")

Betty: Oh.

Floor Manager: (Over PA system) Final reminder. Wardrobe check for Faith Factory medical outfits. Wardrobe
check for Faith Factory medical outfits.
 
 

(Dentonvale opening)

Announcer: Dentonvale, Parental Predicament.

(Scene shift to Terminal Ward right near Brad. Harry is pacing and holding a pair of sunglasses)

Emily: Harry, what are we gonna do?

Harry: I don't know Emily.

                    (SHOUT: "She's the girl you married")

          I'm worried.

                    (SHOUT: "About the cripple") or

                    (SHOUT: "I bet Hank five bucks that Brad could walk")

          Maybe I can wear those black leather brogues.

                    (SHOUT: "First its the Mexicans, now its the blacks")

Emily: Too flashy. They'll clash with the new outfits.

                    (SHOUT: "That we wore in Studio 54")

(Brad starts moaning)

                    (SHOUT: "I hate hangovers")

Emily: All right, Brad, dear. Have another sedative.

                    (SHOUT: "Or two, or ten") or

                    (SHOUT: "It's River Pheonix")

(She fills his mouth with pills)

                    (SHOUT: "Aahh! I hate red hots!")

          We'll miss you on the show tonight.

                    (SHOUT: "But if you're lucky, we'll hit you with our car")

Harry: And don't worry, Brad.

                    (SHOUT: "The Terminator")

(Puts glasses on)

          I'll be back.

                    (SHOUT: "Just going to the 38th Parallel") or

                    (SHOUT: "Fuck you, asshole")

(Puts corn cob pipe in his mouth. Harry and Emily head for the door)

          What about those Italian loafers I bought in Hawaii?

                    (SHOUT: "Now it's the Italians" - "Now it's the Hawaiians")

(Brad moans and passes out.)
 
 

(Brad begins hallucinating. He sees Janet walk into the Terminal Ward)

Janet: I've just come to tell you how fabulous I am.

                    (ECHO: "...what a slut I am, am, am, am") or

                    (SHOUT: "Flashback from Echo Canyon")

(Scene shifts to the dressing room where Janet is passed out on the couch with the drink in her hand and a slice of orange on her leg.)

                    (SHOUT: "Everybody likes to eat from Janet's crotch") then

                    (SHOUT: "Especially cheese")

(Nation comes by, takes the drink and eats the orangeslice. We now see Janet's hallucinations. Bert's bedroom door opens. He is sitting
on the bed)

                    (SHOUT: "Go to sleep, Bird Shit")

Bert: Face it, Janet. Brad's an emotional cripple.

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Frasier Thomas")

(Bert's door closes. Cosmo and Nation's bedroom door opens. His arm is around her, his hand at her neckline)

                    (SHOUT: "Which one's the dummy and which one's the vantriloquist?") then

                    (SHOUT: "That's a trick question") or

                    (SHOUT: "Tell us a funny joke")

Cosmo: Quite frankly…

Nation: …He hates you

(Nation and Cosmo begin laughing hysterically. Their door closes.)

                    (SHOUT: "I don't get it…")

(The camera begins to move closer on a still of Farley smiling on TV.)

                    (SHOUT: "Put that microwave on defrost, he's still frozen") or

                    (SHOUT: "Look, Farley's the vantriloquist. Look how well he talks without moving his lips.")

Farley: Times tight Janet

                    (SHOUT: "So's Janet")

          Do it right Janet

                    (SHOUT: "Doggie style")

          Until tonight

                    (SHOUT: "Who's a slut?")

          Janet?

                    (SHOUT: "Did anyone ever find Magenta's eyes?")

(Janet imagines herself in Brads wheelchair in the Terminal Ward. She opens her eyes)

(Brad walks in the door with drool all over his chin.)

                    (SHOUT: "Dr. Strange")

Brad: I've just come to tell you how fabulous I am.

                    (ECHO: "How sweaty I am, am, am, am") or

                    (ECHO: "What an asshole I am, am, am, am")
 
 

(Song: "Looking For Trade")
 
 

                    (NOTE: The bass line of this song is done twice before she sings. After the first bass line measure, SHOUT/sing:
                   "I can bring home the bacon..." - After the second bass line measure, ECHO/sing: "Just take those old records off
                    the shelf...")
 
 

                    (SHOUT: "What's your favorite Polanski film?")

Janet: I'm on a cull de sac

                    (SHOUT: "Don't talk about my sack that way")

          And I gotta go back

                    (SHOUT: "This song was filmed in a pizza oven") in reference to the red halls

          So come on feet

                    (SHOUT: "Don't come on her feet")

          We're gonna hit the streets

                    (SHOUT: "Like a hooker")

          We've got it made

          I'm looking for trade

                    (ECHO: "I wanna get laid")

Brad: I'm looking for love

                    (ECHO: "I want a big stud")

                    (SHOUT: "Why is Brad in a pizza oven?")

Janet: I'm looking for trade.

                    (ECHO: "I wanna get laid") or

                    (SHOUT OVER/sing: "In all the wrong places")

          I need some young blood

                    (ECHO: "I need a young stud")

          I need some young blood

                    (ECHO: "I need a hung stud")

          I need it now.

                    (ECHO: "I need a cow")

          I need some young blood

          I need some young blood

                    (NOTE: same echos here as before)

Band & Janet: And were gonna get it somehow.

(Scene switches to billiard room where cast members surround a pool table. A man breaks the pool balls on the
table)

Janet: I'm on a dead end street

                    (SHOUT: "Kid's got a sledgehammer break" - "Quit talkin', start chalkin'") or

                    (SHOUT: "How's your sex life?")

          I'm like a dog in heat

                    (SHOUT: "Bitch")

          I'm like a kid with no toys

(Scene shows a woman sitting at the corner pocket of the table)

                    (SHOUT: "Eight ball corner pocket") or

                    (SHOUT: "Eat ball, center pocket")

          I wanna get those boys

(A man shoots the cue ball into the pocket, where the girl sits. Another man's hand touches her thigh)

                    (SHOUT: "That's not an 8-ball" - "That's not a corner pocket, either")

          Ooh I can't delay

          I'm looking for trade.

                    (ECHO: "I wanna get laid")

Brad: I'm looking for love

                    (ECHO: "I want a big stud")

Janet: I'm looking for trade.

                    (ECHO: "I wanna get laid")

(The scene switches again to show an arcade, with cast members playing arcade games)

                    (SHOUT: "Welcome back to the eighties")

          Oh were all living like there's no tomorrow

                    (SHOUT: "Are you a slut?")

          and the way things are going that's probably true

                    (SHOUT OVER: "And now another Rocky Horror reference")

(Scene shows closeup briefly on arcade game, Space Invaders II)

                    (SHOUT: "Space Invaders 2…get it?")

          But without you and me sis

          The world would fall to pieces

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Say something we don't understand")

          Vena Cava who's the rave?

                    (SHOUT: "What?")

Band: Our raving savior that's you

                    (SHOUT: "Oh") or

                    (SHOUT: "Gezundheit")

(Scene switches back to the red halls)

                    (SHOUT: "Red halls, red halls" - "Same hall, different color")

Janet: I'm on a primrose path

                    (SHOUT: "Why do you own a mirror?")

          I'm looking for a li'l laugh

          Remember its no fun

                    (SHOUT: "Sex with <fill in the blank with fan name>?") or

                    (SHOUT: "Pick a melody, please") in reference to her off-key note

          To be the chosen one

                    (AP: Raise hands in air and do the Arnold Horshack "ooh ooh ooh ooh" from Welcome Back Kotter")

          There are games to be played

                    (SHOUT: "S & M, D & D") or

                    (SHOUT: "Stratego")

          Looking for trade

                    (ECHO: "I wanna get laid")

                    (NOTE: during next chorus, repeat previous chorus echoes)

Brad: I'm looking for love

Janet: I'm looking for trade.

                    (SHOUT/sing: "Love is a battlefield")

(Scene changes to show side of building, where Janet walks the sidewalk, amongst cast members.)

          I need some young blood

          I need some young blood

(Janet walks full circle around a man in a white gangster outfit)

                    (SHOUT/sing: "What's love got to do, got to do with it") and/or

                    (SHOUT/sing: "Smooth Criminal")

          I need it now

          Oh, I need some young blood

          I need some young blood

          And I'm gonna get it somehow

          I'm looking for trade.

                    (SHOUT: "Even Brad fell asleep at this point")
 
 

(Crowd is heard chanting in the background, "Janet Janet, we want Janet")

                    (ECHO chant: "Janet, Janet, wake up, Janet")

(Nation is waking up Janet)

Nation: Janet? Janet? Wake up Janet.

                    (SHOUT: "She's slow, but she's got the idea")

          You've got guests.

                    (ECHO: "crabs") or

                    (SHOUT or ECHO: "You've got mail!")

          You can come in now!

                    (SHOUT: "and out, and in, and out, and in")

(The band enters)

Brenda: Hi, Janet!

Frankie: How are you feeling?

                    (SHOUT OVER: "What's your favorite Who song?")

Janet: Who are you?

                    (SHOUT/sing: "ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh")

Oscar: The band!

Janet: Do you have any friends?

Oscar: Sure.

                    (SHOUT: "Joey, Rachel, Chandler, …")

Janet: You won't have soon.

                    (ECHO: "...after this film")

          What are you called - your band?

Glitch: Oscar Drill and the Bits.

                    (ECHO: "Robin Hood and His Merry Men") or

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Hanson")

(Janet passes out with an "Ungh".)

                    (SHOUT OVER: "And now, Kate Winslet from Titanic")

(Janet lowers her hat over her face, similar to a scene in Titanic)
 
 

(Scene switches to wardrobe room. Wardrobe mistress is leaving. When she leaves, Betty and Oliver come out of
hiding, and begin dressing as a Nurse and Doctor.)

                    (SHOUT: "Let's play dress-up")

Oliver: Betty, its imperative we get Janet out of Farley's fast fingers and Brad out of that hell hole before they both
disappear forever.

                    (SHOUT: "But Janet loves fast fingers")

                    (SHOUT: "And Brad loves hell holes")

(Oliver finishes his new attire with a headband that sports a circular mirror in front)

                    (SHOUT OVER: "I can't find the CD that I glued to my head band….hmmm…")

Betty: I don't mind telling you, Oliver, I'm not looking forward to this.

                    (SHOUT: "A pap smear?")

Oliver: If only I could place that name. McKinley.

                    (SHOUT: "My high school gym teacher!")

Betty: It was a president.

Oliver: Presidents. Past presidents.

                    (SHOUT OVER: "One plus one IS three!")

          Betty, this is beginning to add up.

Betty: Really?

(Betty is having difficulty pinning her name tag on her nurse uniform)

          What do I pin this on?

                    (SHOUT: "Richard Jewel")

Oliver: Faith Betty.

                    (ECHO: "Your tit, Betty")

          But make sure its your own.

                    (SHOUT: "Thanks little Buddha")
 
 

(Scene shift to Farley's office. Wardrobe mistress is putting on the finishing touches. Cop has just entered)

                    (SHOUT: "Farley's gotta pee!") or

                    (SHOUT: "What do you say to a premature ejaculator?")

Wardrobe Mistress: In a hurry, Mr. Flavors?

Cop: There's a little lady

                    (SHOUT: "Dr. Ruth") or

                    (SHOUT: "Estelle Getty")

          he doesn't want to keep waiting. And a date.

                    (SHOUT OVER: "And now for a stupid question")

Wardrobe Mistress: Who is Mr. Flavors?

                    (SHOUT: "He's standing in front of you, bitch")

Farley: The past.

                    (SHOUT: "Oh, Zsa Zsa")

(Cop lights Farley's cigar)

                    (SHOUT: "Boom!")
 
 
 
 
 

(Song: "Look What I Did To My Id")
 
 

(This song takes place in the wardrobe room)

                    (SHOUT: "What's your favorite Madonna song?")

Emily: Like a virgin, with an urgin, in a surgery

          I'll be swinging, I'll be bringing out the nurse in me

                    (Beavis & Butthead SHOUT: "Heh heh, she's got a nurse in her")

Harry: The art will start when I'm playin' my part

                    (ECHO: "...cuttin' a fart")

          As a healer who will steal your heart

(They rub noses)

                    (SHOUT: "Eskimos!")

Harry & Emily: Oh look what I did to my ID.

                    (ECHO: "Oh look what he did to her tit")

          Oh look what I did to my ID.

                    (ECHO same line)

Cosmo: With neurosis in perfusion

                    (SHOUT: "I'm ready for my gynocologist appointment")

(Nation and Cosmo both put on rubber gloves)

Nation: And psychosis in your soul

                    (SHOUT: "I'm ready for my proctologist appointment")

Cosmo: Eliminate confusion

                    (SHOUT: "Too late")

Cosmo & Nation: And hide inside a brand new role!

                    (ECHO: "...toilet bowl")

Macy: Like a good time girl, I'm gonna try some new tricks

                    (ECHO: "Like a prostitute, I'm gonna find some new tricks")

Ralph: This could be the start of a whole new career

                    (SHOUT: "In electronics at ITT Tech") or

                    (SHOUT: "Not after this movie")

Macy: Got a deep plumb lipstick and some therapeutics

Ralph: This could take us to a town that's nowhere near here.

                    (SHOUT: "Watch those fingers") or

                    (SHOUT: "Denver") (or pick another city)

(Ralphs hands roam her thigh)

(Scene shows Ansalong ripping her short shorter)

                    (SHOUT OVER next lines: "I got more hurt than you got skirt!")

Ansalong: Got some heart felt symptoms and I'm feeling sneaky

Ricky: Young male intern tall and handsome

Ansalong: Got my hems so high they'll think I'm being cheeky.

(Closeup on Ricky's face)

                    (SHOUT OVER next line: "Isn't that Ewan McGregor?")

                    (SHOUT in response: "Looks like a young Obi Wan Kenobie to me")

Ricky: Legs like mine were really made for dancing

                    (ECHO: "made for shaving") then

                    (SHOUT: "What does Santa say after an orgasm?")

All: Woh oh oh!

                    (SHOUT: "What does Fat Albert say after an orgasm?")

Hey hey hey!

                    (SHOUT: "We're The Monkees")

(They dance, facing mirrors)

                    (SHOUT/sing: "They're just dancing with themselves")

Cosmo & Nation: When heavens in the music

                    (SHOUT: "This is the weirdest broadway musical I've ever seen")

          Hell is in control. The angel's got the voices

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Can you explain heavy metal?")

          but the Devil's got rock and roll!

All: We may look we're phony medics

          but we took our look from a book by Frederick's

          Oh look what I did to my ID

                    (SHOUT: "Here's lookin' at you, id")

          Look what I did to my ID.

                    (SHOUT: "Thanks for the audition, next!")
 
 

(Scene switch to Janet's dressing room)

Janet: Oh Brad.

Nation: He's an emotional cripple, remember? Even he wouldn't like to see you like this.

                    (SHOUT: "He'd rather see you naked")

(The door opens up, we see many reporters with microphones. Ralph is trying to get into the door and keep them out)

                    (SHOUT: "I'm innocent, dammit! Innocent!")

Neely: Listen, Ralph, I just want to speak with someone. If I don't get in now, right now, there's going to be trouble!

                    (SHOUT: "with the pop-o-matic bubble")

Ralph: Later Neely, okay?

Neely: Ralph!

(Ralph slams door)

                    (SHOUT: "And now, the Frank Gifford story")

Ralph: How is she. Well, come on. Farley's expecting her any minute. You guys get your asses in front of those
cameras

                    (Beavis & Butthead SHOUT: "heh, heh, he said asses. No wonder its rated PG") or

                    (SHOUT: "Moon river")

          and try and earn yourselves a reputation, okay? Well move!

(Ralph opens the door to leave. The reporters are still there, hounding him)

Neely: We just wanna ask a few questions. We've gotta know what happened!

                    (SHOUT: "To Fay Wray") or

                    (SHOUT: "To Saturday night") or

                    (SHOUT: "To the concept of a good sequel")

Oscar: These are for you, Janet.

                    (SHOUT: "Breath mints. You need 'em!")

Glitch: They'll make you feel a whole lot better.

                    (SHOUT: "Fear & Loathing in Denton")

Oscar: Yeah!

(They leave. Nation stares at the drugs Oscar left behind)

                    (SHOUT: "What's your favorite kind of porn?")

Nation: Amateurs.
 
 

Cheerleaders: Give us a J!

                    (ECHO: "...an R")

Audience: J!

Cheerleaders: A!

                    (ECHO: "...an O")

Audience: A!

Cheerleaders: N!

                    (ECHO: "...a C")

Audience: N!

Cheerleaders: E!

                    (ECHO: "...a K")

Audience: E!

Cheerleaders: Give us a T!

                    (ECHO: "...a Y")

Audience: T!

Cheerleaders: We can't hear you!

                    (SHOUT: "Neither can they!") or

                    (SHOUT OVER: "What's that spell?")

Audience: Awww!!!

                    (SHOUT: "That's not what it spells!")
 
 

(Betty opens up the research room door)

                    (SHOUT: "Angie Dickenson is Police Woman")

(She goes to a computer, researching the name McKinley)

                    (NOTE: As this scene starts, sing the theme to Mission Impossible)

(The computer beeps as it comes up with information.)

                    (SHOUT: "What are you doing, Dave?") or

                    (SHOUT: "Let's play Global Thermonuclear War") or

                    (SHOUT: "So how do I access this cybersex thing I've been hearing so much about?") or

                    (SHOUT: "Let's see what Tom has to Say on MySpace")

Betty: Oh my God!

                    (SHOUT: "George Burns!") or

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Tim Curry and Bill Paxton")

          Character actors?

                    (SHOUT: "Dabney Coleman")
 
 

(Scene switches to the set of Faith Factory. We can see a man polishing a red throne)

                    (SHOUT: "Isn't that Frank's throne?")

(Oliver, in doctor outfit, taps the man on his shoulder and points to the large photo on the wall)

                    (SHOUT: "Look, there's a booger on his nose!")

(The man inspects the large photo)

                    (SHOUT: "That's not a booger, that's smurf cum! Smurf's one, Movie two")

(Audience cheers. Scene switch back to Betty who is now snooping around for information about Farley Flavors on microfilm. We see
the numbers 4711)

                    (AP: Make references to 4711)

(Scene switch back to Neely.)

Neely: And so if you're a follower of exotic trends in fashion, you'll find plenty to keep you going here tonight.

                    (SHOUT: "Thank God, something to keep us in the theater")

          And naturally feeling the excitement, and not wanting to stick out like a sore thumb, I had to get a little outfit of my own together.
          And this is it.

                    (SHOUT: "The Swiss Miss Girl")

(Crowd claps. Betty is now looking at microfilm of a newspaper. We eventually see a message in the bottom corner about aliens in
Denton)

                    (AP: Make verbal references to Rocky Horror)

(The newspaper will also show a big headline: IKES! TWINS!)

                    (SHOUT: "Ikes!!")

Ralph: Ladies and gentlemen, to help get you in the mood for Faith Factory, DTV proudly presents Denton's own

                    (SHOUT: "Fuck up, try again")

          with a suburban garage sound,

                    (SHOUT: "Hole in a blender")

          let's hear it for Oscar Drill and The Bits!

                    (SHOUT: "Oh I get it")

Betty: (Understanding that Farley is Brad's vengeful twin brother) Oh, Oliver. This is one time charity didn't begin
at home.
 
 

(Song: "Breaking Out")
 
 

(The band starts up the music. They are dressed in eye-squinting white)

                    (SHOUT: "Oh no, it's the hospital band")

                    (SHOUT: "Not another '80's video")

                    (SHOUT: "Ladies and Gentlemen, Green Day")

Oscar: I know how it feels to be cooling my heels

                    (ECHO: "high heels")

          I've been down on them long enough

                    (SHOUT: "Welcome to the hippy era!")

(Scene shows a hippy woman dancing in audience)

          But if I stay to them now

(Scene switches momentarily to Oliver & Betty trying to unlock the cage, but the keys don't seem to work)

          Then maybe somehow

          You'll see through the bluff

                    (ECHO: "...through that shit")

          I'm not playing it tough

                    (ECHO: "I don't play with my tit")

          I've been a lifetime on deposit

          And that's a long time in the closet

                    (SHOUT: "Michael Jackson")

          And if you say to me "How was it?"

          It was hard taking that heart breaking god forsaken route

                    (SHOUT: "66") or

                    (ECHO: "It was a small eery, dark dreary, claustriphobic room")

(Oliver and Betty free Brad from the terminal ward with Betty's hairpin)

                    (SHOUT: "Betty and her miracle hair pin")

          But I'm - Buh da, buh buh, buh da

                    (SHOUT OVER: "What's your face doing?")

          Breaking out!

                    (SHOUT: "I thought this was green day")

(The cheerleaders look bored)

                    (SHOUT: "You bored, too?")

          You may say that you choose

                    (SHOUT: "Hippy era, part 2")

(Scene again shows hippy audience woman)

          To be in my shoes

                    (ECHO: "Drinking my booze")

          Well look what it did for me

                    (SHOUT: "Drag Queen fashion sense")

          I got buried alive

          I don't thrive on that jive

                    (ECHO: "With my Colt 45")

          Look and you'll see that the spikes don't fit me

                    (ECHO: "That I've got no pee-pee")

          I've been a lifetime on deposit

          And that's a long time in the closet

                    (SHOUT: "RuPaul")

          And if you say to me "How was it?"

                    (SHOUT: "I hated that movie")

          It was hard taking that heart breaking god forsaken

                    (SHOUT: "paper")

          route, but I'm - Buh da, buh buh, buh da

                    (SHOUT OVER: "What's your face doing")

          Breaking out!

Brad: Where are we going?

                    (SHOUT: "To hell!")

Betty: To a family reunion

                    (SHOUT: "Yea! We finally get our picnic!")

                    (SHOUT: "I brought the aunts - I brought the uncles")

Oscar: Breaking out!

Audience: Breaking out!

Oscar: Breaking out!

Audience: Breaking out!

                    (SHOUT: "Next time try Clearasil")

Oscar: Ungh!

(Audience cheers. Oscar holds his fists up in victory)

                    (SHOUT: "I'm the king of the world!") Titanic movie reference or

                    (Beavis SHOUT as Cornholio: "Are you threatening me?!?!)
 
 

(Scene switch to Farley Flavor's office. It is a conference between Cosmo, Nation, Bert, Ralph, Macy, and Farley. Neely is there with her
crew. Scene opens with everyone laughing and happy. Cigar and cigarette smoke filter the room)

                    (SHOUT: "Fries are up...Fries are done...will somebody get the fucking fries!" - repeat - "Hello! Can't you see the
                    smoke?! The fries are fuckin' burning!")

Farley: She represents everything our customers want: Innocence,decency, and the allusion of a happy ending.

(Crowd applauds)

                    (SHOUT: "Welcome to Philosphy 101")

          And, behind her image, take away therapy will thrive under the capable hands of two great ethical intellects, operating on the
          frontiers of medical science. Huh? Huh?

(Crowd complimentsCosmo and Nation on their great work)

                    (SHOUT: "Blah blah blah blah")

          Under the firm guidance of a great survivor in the treacherous sea of diplomacy,

                    (SHOUT: "Yadda yadda yadda")

                    (SHOUT: "Henry Kissinger")

          our own Bert Schnick.

(Group goes crazy over Farley's idea)

          Now, lets get this show on the road!

                    (SHOUT: "We're going to Disney World!")

(Group goes wild, scuttling off and can still be heard in the background)

Neely: Mr. Flavors. May I have a moment of your time?

                    (SHOUT OVER: "How easy is your mother")

Farley: Sure thing.

Neely: We've heard rumors that you're going to unveil more than just

                    (SHOUT: "your dick size")

          a new series tonight. Is this true?

                    (SHOUT/sing: "I know this...much is...true")

Farley: Absolutely correct.

Neely: Could you tell us a little more about it?

                    (SHOUT: "It's a really scary book, and a really shitty movie")

Farley: Well lets just say, we're planning on putting sanity back on the national menu.

                    (SHOUT: "Will there be an extra value meal?") or

                    (SHOUT: "Al a carte")

Neely: And how does local girl

                    (ECHO: "slut")

          Janet Majors fit into the scheme of things

                    (ECHO: "into that girdle of yours")

(Janet enters the room)

                    (SHOUT: "How do your pants fit in the crotch ")

Farley: Very nicely.

                    (SHOUT: "What's another word for asshole? Sphinctor? Uh, Rectum, uh, poop chute, uh....")

Janet: Brad?

                    (SHOUT: "That'll work")
 
 

(Scene change to show Betty and Oliver explaining to Brad what's happening)

Betty: And he's resented you all these years.

                    (SHOUT: "Marcia Marcia Marcia")

Brad: And Janet?

                    (SHOUT: "No, he's never resented her")

Oliver: She represents everything he's been denied.

                    (SHOUT: "Hetero sex")
 
 

(Scene switch back to Faith Factory)

Announcer: By satellite, Farley Flavor's Faith Factory

Ralph: Ladies and Gentlemen

                    (SHOUT: "Yes?")

          Denton's own

                    (SHOUT: "What?")

          America's pride

                    (SHOUT: "Show your pride, girl!")

          the world's example, Janet, the sensation of the planet.

                    (SHOUT: "Schmanet, Janet")

          We bring you Miss Mental Health!

                    (SHOUT: "Wait until the nude photos come out") or

                    (SHOUT: "Tonight on the 69 & 1/2 cent bimbo")

(Enter Janet, walking down the aisle to the throne. Audience is clapping)

Nation: Isn't she lovely?

                    (SHOUT/sing: "Isn't she wonderful") or

                    (SHOUT: "We'll crush Poland")

Emily: I love you baby!

                    (SHOUT/sing: "And if it's quite alright, I need you baby")

Nation: She walks in beauty.

                    (SHOUT: "As long as it's dark out")

Harry: That's my little girl! That a girl, Janet!

(Guitar music starts)

                    (SHOUT: "It's Jimi Hendrix on guitar") or

                    (SHOUT: "Neil Young on guitar") or

                    (SHOUT: "A four-year old on guitar")

Emily: We love you baby!

Nation: We all love Janet. Who do we love?

                    (SHOUT/sing: "I love you, you love me")

Audience: Janet!

(Audience goes wild. Cop raises arm and yells "Janet!" Janet sits in her throne)

                    (SHOUT: "It's Nation's audition for a role in The Truman Show")

Nation: The dress Janet is wearing has been given by Creme de la Crème Modes of downtown Denton and we've
been asked that you take note of the individual styling and exquisite tailoring. This is just one of the many gifts
that's

                    (SHOUT: "I.P.")

          so freely and generously given to Janet, the first of, we hope, many Miss Mental Health's!

                    (SHOUT: "She was up against <fill in the blank with fan name>")

(Audience goes wild again)

Ralph: Ladies and Gentlemen, the President.

                    (SHOUT: "Hail the chief") or

                    (SHOUT: "Everybody! Sew your mouth shut!")

(Drum roll.)

                    (SHOUT: "Stand up if you've had sex with Janet")

(Sanity For Today medical outfit wearers stand at attention. Audience quiets. Neely directs her crew to focus in on the door. Irwin walks
onto the set)

                    (SHOUT: "It's Steve Buschemi")

(He walks up to the podium)

                    (SHOUT: "Hillary, where's my sax")

Irwin: Hi! I'm Irwin Lapsey, President of Lapsey Autos

                    (SHOUT: "Stand up if you want to have sex with <fill in the blank with fan's name>")

(Sanity For Today medical outfit wearers sit down quickly.)

                    (SHOUT: "Not only am I the president, I'm also a client!")

(Irwin looks at them and wonders then turns back to the audience)

          I'm holding in my hand here some keys

                    (SHOUT: "To a chastity belt...It's an Everlast")

(He jiggles keys in his left hand)

          Keys which I would like to give to the little lady who is being so honored here tonight.

                    (SHOUT: "Dr. Ruth") or

                    (SHOUT: "Estelle Getty")

          And I wanna tell ya, if she takes these keys

                    (SHOUT: "I'll call her a klepto!")

          she will find that they fit something.

                    (ECHO: "Absolutely nothing") or

                    (SHOUT: "A kick start vibrator")

          And what that something is, is an almost brand new ultra deluxe eight cylinder convertible complete with radio, tape deck, plush
          fur seat covers and many, many extras. And its all hers for absolutely free.

                    (SHOUT: "Plus a blowjob.")

(Audience cheers as Irwin walks over to Janet to give her the keys. Cosmo stops him, takes the keys, and escorts Irwin offstage)

                    (SHOUT: "Quick, someone, pull that string")

                    (AP: run to side of stage and act like you're pulling a rope)

(The curtain shuts in Lapsey's face)

Ralph: Well, Janet. Janet is absolutely speechless, ladies and gentlemen.

                    (SHOUT: "She's asleep" - "Like us") or

                    (SHOUT: "That movie was boring" - "So's this one!")

(Audience moans)

          But here's someone we do want to hear from.

                    (SHOUT: "Marcel Marceau") or

                    (SHOUT: "Publishers Clearing House")

          A firm favorite of yours and mine.

                    (SHOUT: "My hand?")

          You've reveled in his recipes.

(Brad gets dropped by Oliver and Betty)

                    (SHOUT: "It's the three stooges")

          You marveled in his marriage guidance.

                    (SHOUT: "And his divorce court")

          The all knowing, and now all seeing,

                    (SHOUT: "Oz!") or

                    (SHOUT: "God!") then

                    (SHOUT: "That's wrong") or

                    (SHOUT: "Karnac" - "Madame Fortuna See All")

(Audience is astonished)

          that's right, Bert Schniks

(Bert comes walking to the podiu showing his now uncovered eyes.)

(Scene flashes to Oliver and Betty dragging Brad while trying to find a way out of the Dentonvale set.)

                    (SHOUT: "A drunk asshole!")

(Scene goes back to Faith Factory. Audience member says "Bert, you're beautiful!")

                    (SHOUT: "You're drunk" - "No, you're drunk if you think he's beautiful!")

Bert: Hoopla Denton!

Audience: Hoopla Bert!

                    (SHOUT: "Fuck You, Bert!")

Bert: Thank you, welcome.

Ralph: What's cooking, Bert?

                    (SHOUT: "Ernie")

Bert: I'll tell you what's cooking, buddy, and I'll tell you, too, you guys. She made the blind see and it was a gift.

                    (SHOUT: "Crabs")

          Who was the gift from? Lets hear an F for...

                    (SHOUT: "Fornication")

Audience: Farley!

Bert: And another F for...

                    (SHOUT: "Fellatio")

Audience: Flavors!

(Enter Farley. Audience goes wild.)

                    (SHOUT: "It's Tim Robbin's in the movie Bob Roberts")

                    (SHOUT: "Hey-- Oooo")

                    (SHOUT: "Who did you sleep with last night?")

Farley: My friends!

                    (SHOUT: "Oh shit, that's us!") or

                    (SHOUT: "Romans, countrymen, lend me your anus")

          And you are

                    (SHOUT: "gay")

          all my friends.

                    (SHOUT: "Then give us money")

(Farley laughs)

                    (SHOUT: "Rosebud is his sled")

          My friends, tonight we are taking the first step of defiance,

                    (SHOUT: "Fuck you!")

          and starting something that will grow so big

                    (SHOUT: "unlike your fucking dick")

          that the whole world will reverberate with its sound.

                    (AP: Make fart sound)

          And wherever our slogan "Sanity and vanity" is uttered,

                    (SHOUT: "Moo") or

                    (SHOUT: "Does Farley know sign language?")

          it will be linked

(Farley makes wild hand gestures, exagerated)

          incontrovertibly to this night, this station, and this beautiful face.

                    (SHOUT: "a face worse than death, with a face like that who needs enemas") or

                    (SHOUT: "I'd hate to see the ugly one") or

                    (SHOUT: "Look, it's a marrionette of Janet!")

(We can see a lifeless expression as Janet begins to stand. Audience cheers.)

(Brad hears this through the wall)

                    (SHOUT: "It's big Jim Slade!") or

                    (SHOUT: "Hey, Kool Aid")

(Brad comes crashing through the giant picture of Janet's head.)

(Audience is startled and utter phrases such as "Its a crazy guy")

                    (SHOUT: "I am Sean Archer") or

                    (SHOUT: "Welcome to poetry 101")

Brad: Seducer!

                    (SHOUT: "I hardly know her!")

Farley: And who are you sir?

Brad: Your twin brother and your accuser!

                    (ECHO: "...and you're an asshole")

Janet: Brad!

Cosmo: Arrest that man he's committed to our care.

                    (ECHO: "Arrest that man, he stole my hair")

Janet: I never signed your contract.

                    (SHOUT like a smartass: "Ha ha ha")

          He's not going anywhere.

                    (ECHO: "He's not wearing underwear") or

                    (SHOUT OVER: "So there!") or

                    (SHOUT: "Neither is this plot")

Oliver: Revenge your twin. You tried to abuse her.

Farley: A ridiculous accusation! You force me to refuse her.

                    (ECHO: "abuse her") or

                    (SHOUT: "The force is strong with this one")

Brad: Then why did you choose her?

                    (SHOUT: "Sarandon wasn't available!") or

                    (SHOUT: "Choosy brothers chosse Jiff")

Farley: Because of you, sir!

                    (SHOUT: "It's Greg and Peter Brady in Face/Off")
 
 

(Song: "Duel Duet")
 
 

                    (SHOUT: "G")

Farley: You're a loser

                    (SHOUT/sing: "So why don't you kill me")

          An abomination in the eyes of any sensitive man

                    (SHOUT: "Visine gets the red out")

Brad: And you're a blind alley cruiser

                    (SHOUT: "Zardoz")

(Brad's image is imposed on the walls)

                    (SHOUT: "I am the great and powerful Oz!") and/or

                    (SHOUT/sing: "Burning down the house")

          Always heading down a losing strait

          Dreaming that you're screaming at fate

          You're a dead end dead beat nowhere mister

          With a kiss like a Mississippi alligator's sister

Farley: I took as much of you as any man can!

          You've lost your heart

                    (ECHO: "You dropped the soap")

Brad: You've lost your cause
                   (forced ECHO: "Have you checked your car?")

Farley: You lost your baby when you lost your balls!

                    (AP: Throw 6 ping pong balls high into the air)

                    (NOTE: When you throw the ping pong balls into the path of the projection light, the strobe effect, when looking
                    uop at it, is simply amazing)

                    (SHOUT: "Aren't you glad we didn't throw babies?")

          You've lost your mind

          You've lost your grip

          So say bye-bye!

                    (SHOUT: "Bye-bye.") or

                    (SHOUT: "Okay, I love you, Bye Bye") or

                    (SHOUT: "It's a Laura Branigan video") or

                    (SHOUT: "It's the Menendez Brothers!")

Brad: We lost our Mom

          We lost our Dad

          And if I'm losing you

          Well that's too bad

                    (ECHO: "tough shit")

Farley: (pointing his finger like a gun) Well, the best thing you could ever do is die.

                    (SHOUT OVER: "It's Marcel Marceau")

(Scene switch to the Dentonvale Conference room table. Brad and Farley are sitting at opposite ends)

Brad: You're a failure

                    (SHOUT: "What?!")

                    (NOTE: "What?" should be yelled as though you can't hear him because he's sitting at the very FAR end of a
                    long table)

          A malformation in the guise of many and also ran

                    (SHOUT: "I can't hear you!")

Farley: And you're a weeper and a wailer

                    (SHOUT: "How does a one legged man walk?")

(Farley bounces one fingertip on the tabletop, forward)

          Always treading on the toes of the great

          Barely spreading your weight

                    (ECHO: "legs")

          You're a spiteful, hateful, asinine creature

                    (SHOUT: "From Uranus")

          A pupil with no scruples who knew better than the teacher

Brad: I took as much of you as any man can!

                    (SHOUT: "Get out of me!")

Farley: You've lost your heart

                    (SHOUT: "Have you looked under the bed?") or

                    (ECHO: "You dropped the soap")

Brad: You've lost your cause

Farley: You lost your baby when you lost your balls!

                    (AP: Throw 6 ping pong balls high into the air)

                    (SHOUT: "Alright, who threw the baby?!")

          You lost your mind when you lost your grip

          So say bye-bye!

                    (SHOUT: "Bye-bye." - "Everybody's bi")

Brad: We've lost our home

          Our family

          You've lost compassion

          Now you're losing me.

Farley: Well, the best thing you could ever do is die.

                    (SHOUT: "Let's rack him!")

                    (AP: Have someone run up to Brad and pretend to kick him)

Brad: (in high falsetto) Well, the best thing you could ever do is die.

(Scene shift back to the Faith Factory set. Farley is developing a severe facial tic)

Farley: Well, the best thing you could ever do is die.

          Take no notice of him!

                    (SHOUT: "Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain!")

          He's mad.

Brad: I'm as sane

                    (ECHO: "lame")

          as you are. Saner!

                    (ECHO: "lamer")

Cosmo: And he was only with us for one day!

                    (SHOUT: "Give a hand to Mr. Hand!") or

                    (SHOUT: "Thank you, Mr. Freeze")

(Camera pans to Ralph and Bert.)

Bert: They should be sent to the Danube at dawn.

                    (SHOUT: "Achtung baby")

Ralph: What?

                    (ECHO: "What?")

Bert: Just memories.

                    (SHOUT: "Oh")

Ralph: (to Farley quietly) We'll edit the tape.

                    (SHOUT: "Mr. Clinton") or

                    (SHOUT: "Mr. Nixon") or

                    (SHOUT: "Mr Bush")

          They'll never see everything.

                    (SHOUT: "Was it live or memorex?")

          (to audience) Um, I hope Mr. Flavors will accept apologies on behalf of all of Denton for this unfortunate
          incident. It seems everyone wants to be related to the great.

                    (SHOUT: "and powerful Oz") or

                    (SHOUT: "Space Coaster")

Farley: No offense. Offense? On the contrary.

                    (SHOUT: "The best offense is a good defense")

          This is a perfect example of what we are here to combat.

                    (SHOUT: "Gabba Gabba Wee - One of us, one of us")

(All eyes turn to Janet.)

                    (SHOUT: "So which is it, the asshole or the asshole?")

(After a brief moment, she reaches down and helps Brad to his feet.)

                    (SHOUT: "Ah, the asshole")

(Farley is shocked for a moment)

                    (SHOUT: "How do you have sex? In!")

(Farley starts chanting "Out", over and over.)

                    (AP: Shout "in" between each "out", faster and faster, until it's impossible to keep up. Then near the very end,
                    SHOUT: "Heeee's safe!")

                    (SHOUT: "This is the weirdest production of MacBeth")

(The audience helps out with the "out" chant, pointing toward the door each time. They catch on as do most of the people on stage. The
Cop comes and escorts Oliver, Betty, Brad and Janet into the research lab.)

          You see the way we got rid of that dirty little dish,

                    (SHOUT: "Did he say bitch?") or

                    (SHOUT: "…that ran away with the spoon")

          is the way we are going to put the rest of our house in order. Including the upstairs!

                    (SHOUT: "Oh shit, that's my room!") or

                    (SHOUT or ECHO: "Downstairs!")

(Audience cheers. Farley motions to Macy)

          Ah yes, yes, Miss, you, yes.

                    (SHOUT: "Miss You-yes?")

          Would you come up here please and help us to inaugurate the Farley Flavor's Faith Factory, transmitting from coast to coast and
          continent to continent? You are Miss…

                    (SHOUT: "-taken") or

                    (SHOUT: "-terious")

          uh, Miss…

                    (SHOUT: "-carriaged") or

                    (SHOUT: "-informed") or

                    (SHOUT: "-guided")

Macy: Macy. Macy Struthers.

                    (ECHO: "Slutters")

Farley: Macy

                    (ECHO: "Sally")

          Struthers!!!

                    (SHOUT: "Hey Betty, do Kojack")

Betty: Who loves you, Baby?

(Betty flips off Macy.)

                    (SHOUT: "There's my bird!") or

                    (SHOUT: "That's the chicken that stepped on his forehead") or

                    (SHOUT: "Hey, that bird does belong to her!")

(Camera goes to Emily and Harry who are clapping)

Emily: She let me down. She let us all down!

                    (SHOUT: "It's the Whiners!") or

                    (SHOUT: "Repunzel, Repunzel")

Harry: Shut up, Emily! And listen to a success story.

                    (SHOUT: "The life of Donald Trump")

Nation: This could be worse than the old series.

                    (SHOUT: "Good Times") or

                    (SHOUT: "Ellen")

Cosmo: In the old series we never had a convertible.

                    (SHOUT: "Ellen did lift her top once")

(Dangles keys)

Farley: And remember, sanity today is the springboard to the hygienic tomorrow.

(Farley kisses Macy.)

                    (SHOUT: "It's superglue!")

(Ralph frowns but keeps on clapping. Audience cheers)

          Now, will you follow me, down the DTV trail, to Dentonvale?

                    (ECHO: "Disney World") or

                    (SHOUT/sing: "Happy trails to you...") or

                    (SHOUT: "I want my DTV")

Audience: Dentonvale!!!

                    (SHOUT: "OH SHIT!!! NOT AGAIN!!!")

Farley: (to Macy) Thanks honey, they bought it. Now out of the way.

          (to audience) That's right!

(Scene switches to Neely)

Neely: I can't stand it.

                    (SHOUT: "Then sit down, bitch")

          Everything good always happens to other people.

                    (SHOUT: "Marcia Marcia Marcia")

(Audience members are being handed striped straight jackets)

                    (SHOUT: "Here's your Foot Locker uniforms, orientation in 10 minutes") or

                    (SHOUT: "Cocaine, get your cocaine!")

          And fast food giant Farley Flavors has just given Miss Mental Health

                    (SHOUT: "the finger")

          what can only be described as an official kiss of approval.

                    (ECHO: "piss off")

          And the crowd are loving it as they follow her down the Dentonvale trail.

(Brad sneaks up to the cop who has them held in a room. His gun is raised)

                    (SHOUT: "Hey, pull my trigger")

(Brad tries to grab the gun, but the cop turns and sees him)

(Brad points to the crowd)

Brad: (to the cop) Hey look, they're having a party.

                    (ECHO: "Look, there's a bloody glove in OJ's yard!") or

                    (ECHO: "Look, they're giving out free donuts!") or

                    (ECHO: "Look, they're giving out free enemas!")

(The cop looks, smiling, but then realizes Brad was just trying to divert his attention)

                    (SHOUT, childlike, speaking for Vance, the Cop: "Ohhh, you almost got me!")

(Vance is about to take off, because he sees Neely and her crew following thecrowd because they don't want to miss out on the action.
Just as he is about to leave, he shoves Brad into the office and shuts the door. He takes off after everyone else. Scene
shifts to inside the research lab)
 
 

(Song: "Anyhow Anyhow")
 
 

                    (SHOUT: "And now the Heidi Fleiss Anthem") or

                    (SHOUT: "Why do we watch Shock Treatment?")

Brad: Some people do it for compassion

Janet: Some people do it for the fashion

                    (ECHO: "Some people do it in their ass and")

Brad: Some people do it to be funny

                    (SHOUT: "And then there's Betty")

Janet: Some people do it for the money

                    (ECHO: "...with their honey") or

                    (ECHO: "…with a bunny")

Oliver: Some people do it for enslavement

                    (SHOUT: "It's Betty's Miracle Hairpin!") or

                    (SHOUT: "And for pain?")

Betty: Some people do it on the pavement

                    (SHOUT: "Hopscotch!")

(Betty unlocks the door with her hairpin)

                    (SHOUT: "in your")

Oliver: But...

(All four of them conga out of the office and dance towards the audience seats.)

All 4: We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow

                    (ECHO: "with a cow, with a cow")

          We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow

                    (ECHO: "With a cow, with a cow")

          We're gonna do it

          No matter how the wind is blowing

                    (ECHO: "...how the cow is mooing")

          We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow

                    (ECHO: "with a cow, with a cow")

          We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow

                    (ECHO: "with a cow, with a cow")

          We're gonna do it

          We just gotta keep going

                    (ECHO: "keep screwing") or

                    (SHOUT: "Like the energizer bunny")

                    (NOTE: In this next verse, whenever the couples kick twice, echo with their kicks: "Kick - Kick!")

Brad & Janet: Some people do it for each other

Betty & Oliver: Some people do it for their lover

                    (ECHO: "with their mother")

Brad & Janet: Some people do it for improvement

                    (SHOUT: "Home improvement")

Betty & Oliver: Some people do it for the movement

                    (ECHO: "for bowel movement")

Brad & Janet: Some people do it for enjoyment

                    (SHOUT: "and Betty?") or

                    (SHOUT: "and <fill in blank with fan name>?")

Betty & Oliver: Some people do it for employment

                    (SHOUT: "in your") or

                    (SHOUT: "Up somebody's")

Oliver: But...

(All four dance down the aisles to the stage to see Oscar Drill and the Bits waiting for them in and on the
convertible.)

                    (SHOUT/sing: "It's Greased Lightning!") or

                    (SHOUT: "It's the No-neck Shuffle!")

                    (NOTE: Repeat same echoes from first chorus)

All 4: We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow

          We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow

          We're gonna do it

          No matter how the wind is blowing

                    (SHOUT: "Blow me now, ask me how")

          We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow

          We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow

          We're gonna do it

          We just gotta keep going

(Scene shifts to the McKinley's office. Farley is standing on the desk and has just opened a bottle of champagne and is drinking a toast with
the Faith Factory cast and others. Cameras follow the audience, now clad in their straight jackets and Faith Factory hats, along the wall to
the Terminal Ward. They are singing)

                    (AP: When you see the audience in striped straightjackets, SHOUT: "Hi, welcome to Footlocker, can I help
                    you?")

Audience: Denton, Denton

                    (SHOUT: "Oh shit! The movie's started over again!")

          You've got no pretension

          You're where the heart is

          You're okay!

                    (SHOUT: "In Texas")

(Scene shows Cosmo's Office. Farley is standing on his desk, arms wide open, as his new friends surround him. We can see Macy being
spanked)

                    (SHOUT: "Macy likes a little spanking!")

          Denton, Denton

          I'd just like to mention

          You're the acceptable face

          Of the human race

          You're Denton, Denton USA!

(Scene shift back to the stage. The band has just pushed open the studio door)

                    (AP: Run to the screen and open the door)

                    (SHOUT: "Hey everybody! This is the way to leave Shock Treatment!")

(Betty has just jump-started the car with her hairpin.)

                    (SHOUT: "It's Betty and her Miracle Hairpin") or

                    (SHOUT: "Those years Betty spent in Harlem have paid off")

                    (NOTE: Repeat same echoes from first chorus of "Anyhow Anyhow")

All 4: We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow

          We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow

          We're gonna do it

          No matter how the wind is blowing

                    (SHOUT: "The answer is blowing in the wind")

          We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow

          We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow

          We're gonna do it

          We just gotta keep going

          We just gotta keep going

          We just gotta keep going

                    (SHOUT: "and going and going...")

(Brad, Janet, Oliver, Betty, and the band, all get into the car and drive off. The door closes behind them.)

Narrator: The sun never sets on those who ride into it

                    (ECHO: "The sun never rides into those who sit upon it")

                    (SHOUT: "What?")

All 4: We just gotta keep going

                    (SHOUT: "Oh") or

                    (SHOUT: "Badee, badee, that's all folks") or

                    (SHOUT: "Thank God that shit's over") then

                    (SHOUT: "Oh shit! There's more!")
 
 

CREDITS. (Song "Overture" repeats over credits)

(The following is a list of the credits for possible shout lines. The first section is the cast section, with photo accompaniment.)

(NOTE: Whenever a cast is acting, generally no lines are shouted during the credits, allowing cast members to take a bow for applause.)

Additional Ideas BRIAN THOMPSON

                    (SHOUT: "This stupid movie was Brian's idea?")

                    (SHOUT: "They came back for more?")

Musical Arrangements...by RICHARD HARTLEY

                    (SHOUT: "Wait a minute! I though Bert made all the arrangements!")

Choreography GILLIAN GREGORY

                    (SHOUT: "And the dancing was so great in this movie!")

JESSICA HARPER as Janet Majors

                    (SHOUT: "Look! Janet grew a black beard!")

CLIFF DE YOUNG as Farley Flavors

                    (SHOUT: "Hey, he's smokin' a joint!")

                    (SHOUT: "Coming soon to your local Baskin Robbins")

CLIFF DE YOUNG as Brad Majors

                    (SHOUT: "Cliff came twice!" - "Mommy, my shirt's too big!")

RICHARD O'BRIEN as Cosmo McKinley

                    (SHOUT: "I'm stoned, man!")

PATRICIA QUINN as Nation McKinley

                    (SHOUT: "It's Lucille Ball!")

CHARLES GRAY as Judge Oliver Wright

                    (SHOUT: "That man has no fucking neck")

                    (SHOUT: "The neck-less court is now in session")

RUBY WAX as Betty Hapschatt

                    (SHOUT: "One ringa-dingy, two ringa-dingies")

NELL CAMPBELL as Nurse Ansalong

                    (SHOUT: "That doesn't look like Nev Campbell")

RIK MAYALL as "Rest Home" Ricky

                    (SHOUT: "I'd like my sequel without mayo, please") or

                    (SHOUT in reference to the British TV series with Rick Mayall: "He's such a young one, isn't he?")

BARRY HUMPHRIES as Bert Schnick

                    (SHOUT: "Fuckin' pervert! Get Away from my window!") or

                    (SHOUT: "Dame it, Edna! I love you!")

DARLENE JOHNSON as Emily Weiss

                    (SHOUT: "I've sewn my fist to my jaw!")

HANNING REDWOOD as Harry Weiss

                    (SHOUT: "His pubic hairs are overgrown") or

                    (Beavis & Butthead SHOUT: "Heh heh, his wood is red")

WENDY RAEBECK as Macy Struthers and JEREMY NEWSON as Ralph Hapschatt

                    (SHOUT: "Come on! Pull our fingers!")

BETSY BRANTLEY...as Neely...

                    (SHOUT: "Quick, get a close-up of my eyeball")

CHRIS MALCALM as Vance Parker

                    (SHOUT: "Hey doc, I found this bird up my ass!")

RAY CHARLESON as Floor Manager

                    (SHOUT: "They promised me a big role!")

EUGENE LIPINSKI as Kirk

                    (SHOUT: "There's my urine sample!") or

                    (SHOUT: "How'd you like to have Lipstick as your last name?")

BARRY DEMEN as Irwin Lapsey

                    (SHOUT: "Has anyone seen my other arm?") or

                    (SHOUT: "He's a demon, man!")

IMOGEN GLAIR as Wardrobe Mistress

                    (SHOUT: "That's not Sue Blane!")

GARY SHAIL...as Oscar Drill & The Bits

                    (SHOUT: "What? We're last? Fuck you!")
 
 

SCROLLING CREDITS.

(The following credits pass by. I've only included the names with shout lines. The names are in parenthesis, and the shouts follow.)

(John Comfort) Quick, someone comfort John.

(Roger Simmons) Isn't that Richard's brother?

(Bob Smith) Talk about generic names.

(Andrew Sanders) Isn't that Adam Sandler's brother?

(Ellen Chenoweth) Ellen Chewbacca?

(Hugh Strain) Don't bother me, I'm having a huge strain.

(Dave Wintour/Mark Griffiths) Dave's spending the winter with Mark Griffith, Andy's brother.

(Ray Parsons) Ray's got Parson's desease. Don't worry, it'll pass.

(Len Huntingford) Len is hunting for Ford. He's in bed with Richard.

(Brian King) Brian King works at burger king.

(final credits come to a still)

No humans were harmed in the making of this film - only in the viewing of it.
 
 

NO MORE CREDITS, ONLY BLACK SCREEN.

(During this scene, "Shock Treatment" plays but there is no visual. Here are suggested lines to shout during this section)

Hey, what happened? It's Shock Treatment for blind people!

Go to the light, Carol Anne, and take a left.

What'd you think of Shock Treatment? I thought it was a real dark movie.

It's Shock Treatment and its all black cast.

This is Stevie Wonder's favorite scene.

Mine, too, but I've seen it before.

Let's face it, Mac, that basic black is coming back!

Bert just adores this color.

It's dark town after dark.

Hey, who's touching me?

I'm not touching you, I'm not touching you.

Hey up front, move out of the way, I can't see!
 
 

SCREEN IS BLACK, SONG HAS ENDED: SILENCE.

                    (SHOUT: "Hey, it's Shock Treatment for Blind and Deaf people!")
 



 

The End

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