The following props are thrown by audience members during the showing of Shock Treatment:

     Toast (during Bitchin' In The Kitchen)
     Wadded Up Paper (trash) (during Bitchin' In The Kitchen)
     Waterguns (squirted, not thrown) (during Janet's shower scene, as well as in Bitchin' In The Kitchen shower scene)
     12 ping pong balls per audience member (during Duel Duet)
 
 
 
 

READING THIS AUDIENCE PARTICIPATION SCRIPT

     Shout lines are entered as such: (SHOUT: "...")

     If you were to shout a line over another word or sentence, matching each syllables, you'll see: (ECHO: "..")

     If you were to shout a line over a song lyric or dialogue in the film, without matching syllables, you'll see: (SHOUT OVER: "..."). This
     usually refers to shouting over the character's dialog mentioned before you see SHOUT OVER, because there isn't enough room to
     shout it when their done talking.

     If there are various lines you can shout, the word "or" would be placed between the shouts.

     Shout lines that respond to other shout lines will follow each other: (SHOUT: "...") then (SHOUT: "...")

     Sometimes shout lines should be sung, in the style of a particular song: (SHOUT/sing: "...")

     There are times to throw props, as well as run to the screen for a quick screen gag. This will written as: (AP:...) The AP, of course, means
     audience participation.

     It is common to see shout lines with a fill in the blank part. This is a good spot to fill that blank with the name of a regular fan at Rocky
     Horror from your group, with their permission, of course.

     From time to time, you may see this: (NOTE:...). This means there's some important information to help you out here that I will interrupt
     and supply you with.

     All audience participation viewed on the web are written in a purple font.
 
 
 
 
 

                 SHOCK TREATMENT
 
 

(Movie opens with the 20th Century Fox logo.)

                    (SHOUT: "I don't want to see Star Wars again!") or

                    (SHOUT: "20th Century Fucks...again.") then

                    (SHOUT: "I'm still sore from the last one")
 
 

(When the logo disappears, the first scene opens up with a still shot of Farley, smoking. Credits begin scrolling near the bottom of the
screen.)

                    (SHOUT: "A long long time ago, in a galaxy far far away, God said, let there be a sequel, and there was a sequel,
                    and it was shitty.")

                    (SHOUT, to be shouted when the last letter of Richard O'Brien's name reaches almost center screen: "Ladies and
                    gentlemen, the narrator for the Dukes of Hazzard") or

                    (SHOUT: "Tell us a least-loved bedtime story, Mr. Mike!") or

                    (SHOUT: "It's Alfred Hitchcock") or

                    (SHOUT: "Hello, I'm William Castle with the stock report.")

Narrator: Once upon a time,

                    (SHOUT: "Where?") or

                    (SHOUT: "In a galaxy far, far away") or

                    (SHOUT: "Tuesday")

          in a town

                    (SHOUT: "Where?")

          not far from yours,

                    (SHOUT: "Too close") or

                    (SHOUT: "Berwyn") (NOTE: You may use a small town close to the place where you're watching the movie.)

          there lived a real fast

                    (ECHO: "Fat")

          guy.

                    (SHOUT: "Just ask his girlfriend") or

                    (SHOUT: "Mario Andretti" or "The Flash" or "Steve Prefontaine")

          His life was fast

                    (ECHO: "Fat") or

                    (ECHO: "His hands were fast")

          His friends were fast

                    (ECHO: "Fat") or

                    (ECHO: "His fucks were fast")

          Even his food was fast

                    (ECHO: "Fat") or

                    (ECHO: "Even his orgasms were fast")

          But he was still not satisfied

                    (ECHO: "Fatified") or

                    (SHOUT: "Neither was his girlfriend")

          He wanted to share his fast

                    (ECHO: "Fat")

          philosophy with

                    (SHOUT: "Rosanne Barr")

                    (SHOUT: "Was it Janet Reno") or

                    (SHOUT: "Was it k.d. lang")

          a beautiful girl

                    (SHOUT: "Guess not") or

                    (SHOUT: "I'd hate to see the ugly one") or

                    (SHOUT: "Uma Thurman")

          Trouble was,

                    (SHOUT: "A board game") or

                    (SHOUT: "There's always trouble in these movies")

          she was in the arms of

                    (SHOUT: "an asshole") or

                    (SHOUT: "another beautiful girl?")

          another man.

                    (SHOUT: "Damn! I was hoping for some girl-girl stuff!") or

                    (SHOUT: "Welcome to the Gong Show") or

                    (ECHO: "Dave Thomas" or "Dr. Octopus")

(A gong sound is heard)

                    (SHOUT: "Hey waiter, you forgot the Curry")
 
 

(The smoke begins to move)

                    (SHOUT: "Welcome to the world of IMAX")

                    (SHOUT: "Hey! No smoking in the auditorium - unless you plan on sharing that joint with us!")
 
 

(Music: "Overture")
 
 

(Camera pulls away, as monitors in background display DTV logo. When the camera pulls back enough to reveal the entire billboard, we
see it's inside a television studio)

                    (SHOUT: "Isn't that the billboard from the cemetary? They moved the tombstones but not the bodies!")

(Camera view shows Neely, her crew, Ralph and Macy sitting in the audience chairs)

                    (SHOUT: "It's an audience for Shock Treatment before the movie starts")

(Suddenly, they stand up to leave)

                    (SHOUT: "It's an audience for Shock Treatment after the movie starts.") or

                    (SHOUT: "Ace is the place with the...")

(The floor manager approaches a door)

                    (SHOUT: "Don't go in there - that's the ladies room")

(The floor manager knocks on the door)

                    (SHOUT: "Well, at least he knocks first")

(The floor mananager enters the doorway)

                    (SHOUT: "Let's hear your best Olive Oyl impersonation") or

                    (SHOUT: "Who was your favorite star of the movie Ghost?" Or any Whoopi Goldberg movie)

(The wardrobe mistress comes out of the door and walks the catwalk towards a corner, nearly crashing into a makeup girl.)

Wardrobe Mistress: Whoops!

(The second door opens up, and the floor manager steps out)

                    (SHOUT: "He came out of the closet")

(He almost collides with the wardrope mistress)

                    (SHOUT: "Whoops!")

(Floor manager takes the stairs down)

                    (NOTE: The next set of shout lines should be yelled at an average pace, not rushed as the floor manager goes
                    down the stairs. If all is timed right, the last shout line here should match the screen credit that appears)

                    (SHOUT: "He's going down. He's going down the stairs. He's going down on the cast. He's going down on Brian
                    Thompson.")

(Credit reads "Costumes, Sue Blane")

                    (SHOUT: "She's still to blame for the shitty costumes")

(Credit reads "Mike Malloy, B.S.S.)

                    (SHOUT: "That's a bunch of B.S.")

(Credit reads "Editor, Richard Bedford")

                    (SHOUT: "Richard's in bed with Ford - better edit that one")

                    (SHOUT: "Let's hear someone with smoker's cough")

Harry: Good luck, honey.

                    (SHOUT: in deep hoarse voice "Thanks, dear")

(Credits read "John Goldstone")

                    (SHOUT: "John's still got goldstones, they didn't pass")

(Credit reads "Jim Sharman")

                    (SHOUT: "Don't squeeze the Sharman, part two")

(The floor manager approaches the bay door and points upward to open the door)

                    (SHOUT: "I'll get you!" or "Sieg heil!")

(The bay door opens)

                    (AP: Have 3 or 4 fans run to the screen and pretend to be pushing the bay door open with a struggling look.)

(The audience rushes inside the studio)

                    (SHOUT: "It's a riot at the Who concert") or

                    (SHOUT: "Look! The new Beanie Babies are in!") or

                    (SHOUT: "Lookout....Hurricane Katrina!!!!!")

                    (SHOUT: "It's Austin Powers!") pause briefly, and then

                    (SHOUT: "For one movie, and one movie only, it's Janet as...a bass")

Brad: What are we gonna do, Janet?

Janet: It's alright, Brad. Everything's gonna be alright.

                    (ECHO: in a deep bass voice "It's alright, Brad. Everything's gonna be alright.")

                    (NOTE: The humor in this is soon discovering that Jessica Harper's singing voice is no match to Susan
                    Sarandon's soprano) and/or

                    (SHOUT: "Not without Tim Curry")

(Brad and Janet head for the stadium stairs to take theirs seats. She wears her white purse on her shoulder.)

                    (SHOUT: "Look, the bitch still has the same purse")

                    (SHOUT: "Looks like she's outgrown it")

(The audience members begin filling the seats.)

                    (SHOUT: "Last one to sit down has to sleep with <fill in the blank with a name of a Rocky Horror fan>")

(Sign on stadium reads "It's Gotta Be DTV")

                    (SHOUT: "It's gotta be dumb television")

                    (SHOUT: "It's gotta be a dumb sequel.")

(The camera pulls back slowly, turning upwards until we see the Denton Billboard sign)

                    (SHOUT: "Denton, the home of horniness") or

                    (SHOUT: "Denton, the home of homeliness") or

                    (SHOUT: "Denton, the home of hopelessness")

(The scene switches to show several television monitors with the DTV logo on them)

                    (SHOUT: "Disney Television on acid")

(The scene switches to show the Denton Dossier logo)

                    (SHOUT: "Denton Douche Bag")
 
 

(Song: "Denton, U.S.A.")
 
 

(The scene opens up on the Denton set, with Neely's back to us)

                    (SHOUT: "Hello, Neely, we're behind you. Hello! Yo Bitch, turn around!") or

                    (SHOUT: "Ladies and Gentlemen, the Joker")

(Neely turns around to face us)

                    (SHOUT: "God!") or

                    (AP: Scream in terror) or

                    (SHOUT: "What do you find in Janet's crotch?")

Neely: You'll find happy hearts

                    (ECHO: "Humps")

          and smiling faces

                    (AP: Run up to the screen and unzip/rezip her zipper on her breast pocket)

          and tolerance for the ethnic races in Denton.

                    (ECHO: "...kids with braces and dentures") or

                    (ECHO: "…in Berwyn")

                    (SHOUT: "What do you find in Laura Dern's crotch?")

Harry: You'll find a ramblin' rose

(Harry clips the bush top)

                    (AP: Run to the bush and put your finger in the path of the clippers, shouting "Ow!" as he clips)

          and a picket fence

                    (SHOUT: "Ask Tom Sherritt")

Emily: Tenderness and innocence in Denton

                    (ECHO: "Pick your nose and rub it in your dentures")

(Emily bites a thread in two)

                    (SHOUT: "Don't forget to floss") then

                    (SHOUT: "What will you find in the U.N.?") or

                    (SHOUT: "What do you find in Madonna's crotch?")

Cop: You'll find conference rooms

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Where do you smoke your weed?")

          and a children's playground

                    (SHOUT: "This used to be her playground")

(Vance Parker, the cop, closes the jail door)

                    (SHOUT: "Attica!")

          Denton is a real okay

                    (ECHO: "all gay") or

                    (SHOUT OVER: "How big is your dick?")

(Vance makes an "okay" sign with his fingers)

          town.

          Civic pride and civic duty

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Isn't that the girls from The Facts Of Life?")

          and Denton girls are (whistle)

                    (ECHO: "P.U.")

          full of beauty

                    (ECHO: "Blair and Tootie") or

                    (ECHO: "Full of shit") or

                    (SHOUT: "The cops are blind") or

                    (ECHO: "Real good booty") or

                    (ECHO: "Pre-teen booty") or

                    (ECHO: "Full of cooties") or

                    (SHOUT: "Officer Krup K in 'Lolita'") or

                    (SHOUT: "Sing it, Goody Two Shoes") or

                    (SHOUT: "Sing it, Adam Ant") or

                    (SHOUT OVER/sing: "Don't drink, don't smoke, what do you do?") or

                    (SHOUT: "What a goody two shoe")

Cheerleaders: You may call us the goody two shoes

                    (SHOUT: "It's the <fill in the blank with name of high school in your area> cheerleaders")

                    (SHOUT: "No, they were never that good.")

          We're here to cheer you with the good news

                    (SHOUT: "Who choreographed this? Paula Abdul?")

          that D-E-N-T-O-N

(SHOUT: "Cheerleader math") or

                    (SHOUT, in reference to high school cheerleaders mentioned two shouts ago: "They can't spell that good
                    either.")

          gets T-E-N,

                     (SHOUT: "They can't count that good either")

          that's ten out of ten.

                    (AP: Run up to the screen when Macy Struthers is posed with a leg kicked back. Pretend to grab her leg and
                    pump it like a water pump.)

Ralph: If you're lookin' for a life of leisure

Macy: You're gonna get a whole lot to please ya

                    (SHOUT: "How often do you masterbate?") or

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Ralph and Macy, describe your sex lives")

Ralph: Again and again

Macy: And again and again

Ralph/Macy: And again!

                    (SHOUT: "I don't want to shake your hand")

                    (SHOUT: "Look, John Denver's plane flew right over there!") or

                    (SHOUT: "Look, Janet's vibrator went that way!")

(During this chorus, the audience looks back and forth, left and right, with each line of the chorus)

                    (AP: Look back and forth as the movie audience does, as though you're watching John Denver's plane flying
                    overhead.) or

                    (AP: Look back and forth as the movie audience does, as though you're watching Janet's vibrator flying overhead)

Audience: Denton, Denton

          You've got no pretention

          You're where the heart is

          You're okay.

                    (ECHO: "You're all gay") or

                    (ECHO: "You're so gay")

          Denton, Denton

          I'd just like to mention

          You're the home of youth

                    (SHOUT: "Not the wave!")

          You're America's truth

          You're Denton, Denton, U.S.A.

                    (NOTE: The following is an optional SHOUT ECHO to sing over the entire first chorus, if you'd like: "Denteen,
                    Denteen, we chew lots of Denteen, let's have a lot more, it's okay! Did I mention that I shopped at Venture. It's the
                    home for you to replace a tooth, and get Dentures, dentures everyday!")

Emily: This is the mecca of America

                    (SHOUT: "Malcolm why?") or

                    (SHOUT with tag on lines that overlap Harry's lines: "What's a mecker?" "Someone who mecks." "How do you
                    meck?" "With a pitchfork and a banana")

Harry: The Bethlehem of the west

                    (SHOUT: "Jesus!")

Emily: This is the birthplace of the virtuous

                    (SHOUT: "Janet was from out of town")

Harry: The home of

(Harry clips the bush with hedge clippers)

                    (AP: Run to the screen and put your finger or crotch in the path of the clippers clip, and when he clips the bush,
                    SHOUT: "Ouch!")

          happiness

                    (Beavis & Butthead SHOUT: "Heh heh, he said penis") or

                    (SHOUT: "Not if you keep clipping")

Macy: (with her palm extended) Leisure-wise, we're sure you will adapt

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Hey, Macy! Gimme five!") or

                    (SHOUT: "Valley of the dolls")

Ralph: Enjoy your stay. Have a happy holiday.

                    (ECHO: "Be so happy, he's so gay") or

                    (SHOUT: "Motel 6")

Cheerleaders: (rocking their heads back and forth like dolls) And we'll all put Denton, Denton on the map.

                    (SHOUT: "It's Lavern and Shirley after Lavern spent too much time in the tanning bed") or

                    (SHOUT: "Cindy Williams and Moesha in The Defiant Ones")

                    (SHOUT OVER: in reference to Cheerleader's head shakes "It's Puppet Master, part five")

(During this 2nd chorus, the audience rows are leaning back and forth, left and right, each row in the opposite of the row in the opposite
direction of the row in front and behind them.)

                    (AP: We should choreograph each row prior to the film's start to do the same)

                    (SHOUT: "Look! Now John Denvor's plane is being chased by <fill in the blank's> vibrator")

Audience: Denton, Denton

          You've got

(As the rows lean, a bearded man in the 2nd row doesn't switch directions with his row)

                    (SHOUT: "Hey, mister! Lean that way! That way!")

          no pretention

          You're where the heart is

          You're okay.

(Scene shows the DEN sign, followed by the TON sign)

                    (SHOUT: "That's a ton!")

(Scene shows a large man in the audience leaning to his right)

                    (SHOUT: "So's that!")

          Denton, Denton, I'd just

(Scene shows the fat man lean to the left, onto the man next to him)

                    (SHOUT: "Get off me!") or

                    (SHOUT: "It's Marlon Brando!")

          like to mention you're

                    (SHOUT: "Shock Treatment in 3-D")

(Scene shows a woman with large sunglasses)

          the home of youth

          You're America's truth

          You're Denton, Denton, U.S.A.

                    (SHOUT: "Stand up if you think Godzilla was a bad movie")

(The audience stands up and claps during the next chorus)

          Denton, Denton

          You've got no pretention

          You're

(Scene shows a black guy clapping, standing next to a fat guy)

                    (SHOUT: "Look in the middle, it's Kid Dynomite!")

                    (SHOUT: "With a cameo by John Candy")

          where the heart is

          You're okay

          Denton, Denton
          I'd just

(Scene shows Brad & Janet with an old man standing behind Brad)

                    (SHOUT: "Hey, isn't that George Burns?")

          like to mention

                    (SHOUT: "Hey Brad, clap like a white guy")

(Brad claps off beat)

                    (SHOUT: "The Oswald prison transfer had better choreography")

          You're the home of youth

          You're America's truth

(Scene shows close-ups on various faces)

                   (AP: Scream in terror when you see Ralph's face)

(Scene shows Brad preparing, very slowly in anticipation, to clap again)

                    (SHOUT: "Okay, Brad, clap one more time... Here we go, ready?")

                    (NOTE: The humor in this joke is that we're encouraging Brad to clap where there is no more claps coming up.
                    When the audience starts to sit down, SHOUT: "Psyche!")

          You're Denton, Denton, U.S.A.

                    (SHOUT: "Last one to sit down, sits in the wet spot")
 
 

(The scene changes to the set of Denton Dossier, starring Betty Hapshatt, with guest Judge Oliver Wright)

                    (SHOUT, grabbing yourself: "Hey Betty, how about this?")

Betty: Well how about that?

                    (SHOUT: "I just came!")

          Wasn't that terrific?

                    (SHOUT: "It was okay") or

                    (SHOUT: "No!")

          And now for, well certainly my favorite part of the show

                    (SHOUT: "Oh my God, they killed Kenny...")

          and I sincerly hope yours at home, our in depth discussion with Judge Oliver Wright...

(The camera switches to Judge Wright, who has his hands clasped together)

                    (SHOUT: "That man still has no fucking neck!") or

                    (SHOUT: "Hand farts, hand farts") or

                    (SHOUT: "Let the neck jokes begin") or

                    (SHOUT: "The neck-less court is now in session")

Betty: (continued) Denton's leading social scientist. Judge Wright?

                    (SHOUT: "Judge Wrong")

Oliver: Hmmm?

                    (SHOUT: "He made a yummy sound")

Betty: Did you enjoy our anthem?

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Do you like sex with little boys?") or

                    (SHOUT: "Are you gay?")

Oliver: In a way.

                    (SHOUT: "Try flipping them over sometime")

Betty: I detect a note of reticence.

                    (SHOUT: "That's my breathmint") or

                    (ECHO: "residue") or

                    (SHOUT: "Fuck you, Rolanda")

          Are you perhaps one of those amongst us who feel that emotive forms of presentations are overly manipulative?

                    (SHOUT: "You kiss your mom with that mouth") or

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Is it true that the <fill the blank with major league baseball team name> have hired a spider to
                    play outfield?")

Oliver: Well Betty, there are many ways that the spider may catch the fly.

                    (SHOUT OVER: "How does Betty get men to sleep with her?")

          There are monitary inducements...(continues in the background)

                    (SHOUT: "G.I. Jane joins the Orkin Army")

(The scene switches to show Neely and her cameraman running towards the stadium)

                    (SHOUT: "I think John Denver's plane crashed...somewhere over there")

(Neely points towards the back row, and then approaches Brad and Janet in the stadium).

                    (SHOUT: "Hey, Neely, who's stoned?")

Neely: Hi Brad, Hi Janet.

Oliver: ...Extortion...

                    (SHOUT: "Doh!")

Neely: Come for Marriage Maze?

                    (SHOUT: "Squirt!") or

                    (SHOUT: "The last…")

Oliver: ...Seduction...

Neely: I'm exhausted working on this new documentary for Farley's new show

                    (SHOUT: "The Dick Van Lesbian Show") or

                    (SHOUT: "Asshole and Me")

Oliver: ...Blackmail...

                    (SHOUT: "…seeking white female")

Neely: Farley Flavors. Our new sponser.

                    (SHOUT: "Are you a lesbian?")

          Whew!

(Shakes hand in air, as though she's air drying her nails)

                    (SHOUT: "Tired fingers")

Oliver: ...Prejudice...

                    (SHOUT: "I hate everyone")

Neely: I tell you, Janet, that guy's as close as we'll come

                    (SHOUT: "Squirt!")

          to a successful man in this town.

                  (SHOUT: "You'll come for anything with the word suck in it!") or

                  (SHOUT: "At least since the Lindburg baby") or

                  (SHOUT: "Sex...")

Oliver: ...and Lies.

                  (SHOUT: "...and videotapes")

Betty: Thank you, Judge Oliver Wright. And now, for a commercial break.

                    (SHOUT: "Thank God, I need to pee.") or

                    (SHOUT: "From Pussy Whip, the first dessert topping for cats")
 
 

(Scene changes to show Macy in a graduation cap and gown. With her are several children in costumes.)

                    (SHOUT: "It's the Hot For Teacher video")

Macy: Okay kids, let's hear the five F's for today. F for...

                    (NOTE: You can make up your own five "F"s for the commercial, but it sounds better if all of your cast and fans
                    know the same five Fs. If not, everything is shouted down. The Midnight Madness Chicago cast uses these five:
                  "Faggot", "Fem Boy", "Foccacia", "Fart", and "Philodendron". Our Kansas City cast, The Regular Frankie Fans,
                    prefer to make all five F-words make a complete sentence "Farley - Flavors - Fingers - Fat - Females". Be
                    creative…)

Kids: Farley!

                    (ECHO: "Farley")

Macy: F for...

Kids: Flavors!

                    (ECHO: "Flavors")

Macy: F for...

Kids: Fabulous!

                    (ECHO: "Fingers")

Macy: F for...

Kids: Fast!

                    (ECHO: "Fat")

Macy: And F For...

Kids: Foods!

                    (ECHO: "Females") or

                    (ECHO: "Fuck the teacher!")

                    (SHOUT: "Okay, who wants to sleep with <fill in the blanks with fan name>"?") or

                    (SHOUT: "You're gonna be in the movie Shock Treatment!")

(The children start to run away, screaming)

                    (SHOUT: "The Michigan Militia presents, Romper Room")

Female Announcer: First and foremost

(The screen shows 5 letter F's)

                    (SHOUT: "F-in' Natzis!") or

                    (SHOUT: "This ad brought to you by the American Nazi party")

                    (AP: Have someone run to the screen and with his/her index finger, follow the Fs around like you were moving
                    them…)

          Farley Flavor's fabulous fast food feed and fortify families for a fabulous future.

                    (SHOUT: "Fuck off!")
 
 

(Scene changes to show Oliver and Betty exiting the Denton Dossier set)

Floor Manager: Stand by for marraige maze. Strike Denton Dossier.

                    (ECHO: "Dosie-Doh") or

                    (SHOUT OVER: "He just had sex with you")

Betty: Thank you so much, Judge Wright, for a wonderful interview.

Oliver: Judge Wright? Oh come on, Betty.

                    (SHOUT: "You come on Betty!")

          First name terms, surely, huh?

                    (SHOUT: "Don't call me Shirley!")

Betty: Oh Oliver.

                    (SHOUT: "My face")

          You're so tolerant.

                    (ECHO: "Old")

          Time for a coffee break

                    (ECHO: "Blow Job")

          before you rush off?

                    (ECHO: "Fuck off?") or

                    (SHOUT: "Yay rush")

Oliver: Mm, I'd love to

                    (ECHO last word/SHOUT: "Two / blowjobs")

                    (SHOUT: "Here comes Janet's bush")

(Oliver starts to grab Betty, moving her aside to let an E-shaped bush pass by)

                    (SHOUT: "It was a Vowel Movement")

          That is, if you don't mind being seen with an older man.

                    (SHOUT: "Well, I was seeing Jimmy Stewart") or

                    (SHOUT: "Spelling test!")

Betty: Why Oliver

                    (SHOUT: "My face")

                    (SHOUT: "That's spells Yoliver")

          Since Ralph and I separated, maturity is something I look for in a man.

                    (SHOUT: "That and a big dick")

(They exchange giggles)

                    (SHOUT: "Hi Koobla, Hi Fran")

Audience Member: Hi, Ollie! Hi, Betty!

                    (SHOUT: "Hi, Wilma!)

Neely: (approaching) Hi, Betty.

                    (NOTE: There are several greeting exchanges you could have made here: "Hello Laverne, Hello Shirl", "Hello
                    Wally, Hello Beav", "Hello Stanley, Hello Veronica" or "Hello Skipper, Hello Lil Buddy", etc… Be creative, come
                    up with whomever you want)

Betty: Hello, Neely.

                    (SHOUT: "Wonder why they call her Neely?")

                    (SHOUT: "Because she's always on her knees")

Neely: You keep up that high standard of interview

(Neely points her finger at Janet)

                    (SHOUT: "Pull my finger!")

          and I'm gonna have to include you in Farley's documentary. You're so probing.

                    (SHOUT: "My ass hurts!") or

                    (SHOUT: "Now cough")

(Neely exits)

Oliver: A free thinker.

                    (ECHO: "Hooker")

Betty: Everything's free there.

                    (SHOUT: "I'll take five dollars worth!")

                    (SHOUT: "It's still free")
 
 

(They approach Kirk's coffee corner, where Kirk, the cop, and the floor manager stand drinking coffee out of red cups)

                    (SHOUT: "Has anyone seen my urine sample? I put it in a red cup!") or

                    (SHOUT: "Ask Betty if she's stoned")

Kirk: Hi, Betty. The usual?

                    (SHOUT OVER: "One…")

Betty: Plus one.

                    (SHOUT: "is two")

                    (SHOUT: "Or three, if you're stoned")

Kirk: Hi, Vance. Are you gonna be watching Marriage Maze?

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Are you a bad cop?")

Cop: Sure am. This could be Bert Schnick's

(ECHO: "Bird Shit's")

          finest hour.

                    (SHOUT: "A Schnick in time") or

                    (SHOUT OVER: "She loves you?")

Floor Manager: Yeah.

Kirk: Yeah?

Cop: Yeah!

                    (SHOUT: "The Beatles!")

          This could be a major step forward for him.

                    (SHOUT: "Puberty") or

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Wanna hear a blind joke?")

Floor Manager: Yeah, a leap in the dark.

                    (SHOUT: "Hardee-Har-har")

          I better go check on the Bert, otherwise.

                    (SHOUT: "Ward, I'm worried about the Bert") or

                    (SHOUT: "Left")

Cop: Right.

                    (SHOUT: "Left") or

                    (SHOUT OVER: "He's looking for a virgin") or

                    (SHOUT OVER: "He wants to have sex with <fill in the blank>")

Betty: Good luck!

                    (SHOUT: "You'll need it")
 
 

(Scene shift to wardrobe mistress and makeup lady powdering Bert.)

                    (AP: Begin coughing as though there was too much powder)

(Bert waves them away from him as announcer speaks)

                    (SHOUT: "Stop it, bitch")

(Scene shows make-up woman look angry as she walks away)

                    (SHOUT: "Damn celebraties")

(Bert turns to face us, with blind cane extended)

                    (SHOUT: "Isn't that Ed McMahan?")

                    (SHOUT: "From Excess Baggage")

Announcer: And here to bring you your just desserts and a recipe for a perfect marriage, is that gorgeous gourmet,
tossing the uproarious salad of life, Marriage Maze host, Bert Schniks!

                    (ECHO: "Bird Shit") or

                    (ECHO: "Sara Lee") or

                    (ECHO: "Little Debbie") or

                    (SHOUT OVER: "How long does it take a premature ejaculator to come?")

Floor Manager: Three seconds.

                    (SHOUT: "Don't forget to swallow") or

                    (SHOUT: "Smile when you come") or

                    (SHOUT: "Those are the whitest teeth I ever came across")

(Bert smiles)

(Scene shows Bert enter the set)

Bert: Hoopla Denton!

                    (SHOUT: "Fuck You, Bert!")

(Music jingle starts, Bert dances towards podium, audience cheers)

                    (SHOUT/sing: "Hey, Macarena") or

                    (SHOUT: "It's a Greek restaurant")

(Bert steps up to the podium to speak. Two letter M's are in front of him)

                    (SHOUT/sing: "Mmm-Bop") or

                    (SHOUT: "Bono has looked better")

Bert: Thank you, welcome, thank you. Before we start I want to say one or two words about tomorrow night's great
new show: "The Faith Factory Show".

                    (ECHO: "The Claw Is My Master")

(The audience mumbles several "oooooooh"s)

          And as a matter of fact, we have in the studio audience tonight, the host and his lovely co-host. Give a big
          hand, please

                    (SHOUT: "And jerk me off") and/or

                    (AP: Drag a LARGE hand across the bottom of the screen, either hand made from posterboard or the type seen at
                    some sports parks)

          to Ralph Hapshatt and the vivacious Macy Struthers.

                    (SHOUT: "Stand up if you take it up the ass")

(Some of the audience members start to stand. Ralph and Macy stand up.)

                    (SHOUT: "Sid and Nancy, Love Kills")

Audience Member: Hey, Ralph!

                    (AP: Vomit sound) then, referring to Macy:

                    (SHOUT: "She's got a big pussy")

          Let's get a camera in there, for heaven's sake. Over the moon about that commercial, Macy.

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Hey, Macy. You're a slut!")

Macy: Thanks, Bert.

Bert: And got a good show lined up for us tomorrow night, Ralph?

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Do you have a little dick, Ralph?") or

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Do you fuck little boys, Ralph?")

Ralph: Ah, you bet, Bert.

                    (SHOUT: "I fold")

Bert: Good! I'm gonna be there. Ain't we all viewers?

                    (SHOUT: "Count me out, I gotta get my hair done") or

                    (SHOUT: "Count me out, I gotta get my nipples peirced")
 
 

Betty: Macy Struthers with my husband. God, I must have been blind.

                    (SHOUT: "That would explain the dress")

          Still, the weaker the man, the dumber the blonde.

                    (SHOUT: "That would explain Jessica Simpson") or

                    (SHOUT: "That would explain Jenny")

                    (SHOUT: "Not another blonde joke!")

Oliver: Isn't that Brad and Janet Majors sitting in the audience?

                    (SHOUT: "The bitch got hitched" - "He sure did") or

                    (SHOUT: "The Bizzaro world version")

          What an ideal couple they are. You know, more than anyone else in Denton, they represent the old values. Ike would have been
          proud of them.

                    (SHOUT: "But Ike had a Big Dick behind him") or

                    (SHOUT: "Not Tina Turner - but what's love got to do with it?")

Bert: And now, would the first couple who seem to have made hash of their marriage and cooked their goose, step
this way, please...

                    (SHOUT: "What's the second letter of the word fuck?") or

                    (SHOUT: "A-E-I-O…")

                    (SHOUT: "Fuck…")

          ..you!

(Bert points to Brad and Janet)

Janet: That's us, Brad!

                    (ECHO: "That's right, Brad") or

                    (SHOUT: "Tonight on Politically Incorrect, Jeneane Garafolo and Bill Gates")

Bert: Come on, what's cooking up there? Come on down, you guys.

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Grab Janet's tits") or

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Janet will only come if you feel her tits")

          Let's feel you.

                    (SHOUT/sing: "I feel for you")

Brad: I'm not going, Janet.

                    (SHOUT: "I told you to go before the movie started")

Janet: We've got to. Everyone is watching.

                    (SHOUT: "Today on a very special Ricki Lake")

(Brad and Janet leave their seats and head towards the stage to sit in seats on the stage set, next to Bert.)

                    (SHOUT: "Anyone in the mood for some Wendy's?")

(When Brad and Janet leave their seats, two new people sit in them; one of which is an old lady)

                    (SHOUT: "Where's the beef?")

Bert: Face the cameras, face the cameras.

                    (SHOUT: "They are, blind man!") or

                    (SHOUT: "Meet The Press")

          Now, introduce yourselves.

                    (SHOUT: "Janet doesn't need introductions")

Brad/Janet at the same time: I'm Brad M-- / I'm Janet Maj--

                    (SHOUT at same time: "Asshole/Slut") or

                    (SHOUT: "Fuck up!")

                    (SHOUT: "I'm a fuck-up?")

Janet: I'm Janet Majors and this is my husband Brad.

                    (SHOUT: "I remember you in hemline clothes back in 1965") or

                    (SHOUT: "I feel a disturbance in the force") or

                    (SHOUT: "Hey, Kirk, we need more cream") or

                    (SHOUT: "Hey, Kirk, we're having problems on the bridge")

(Scene shifts to show Farley swinging around in his chair quickly, then switches back to the game show)

Bert: Hey, Brad. We've been hearing some bad things about you. Haven't we, Janet?

(Scene switches to show Kirk's corner)

                    (SHOUT: "Who has smoker's cough?")

(Kirk laughs a throaty laugh)

          Haven't we Janet?

                    (SHOUT OVER: "How's Brad in bed?")

Janet: Uh, uh, yes. Uh, he needs help.

Bert: Help?!

                    (SHOUT: "I've fallen and I can't reach my beer") or

                    (SHOUT: "I can't see!") or

                    (SHOUT/sing "I need somebody") or

                    (SHOUT: "Fire! Fire!")

          Let's face it, Janet. Brad's an emotional cripple.

                    (SHOUT: "Like Larry Flynt") or

                    (SHOUT: "What's a creepho?")

                    (SHOUT: "A ho so ugly you have to creep up on her")

                    (AP: Run to the screen and tickle Brad, shouting "tickle tickle tickle")

(Brad laughs)

                    (SHOUT: "I like my bicycle") or

                    (SHOUT: "Janet, I heard you have a yeast infection") or

                    (SHOUT: "I heard you take it up the ass")

Janet: I know, I know, it's just...

Bert: It looks like rest home

                    (ECHO: "It smells like restroom")

          for this stupid old marriage, eh?

                    (SHOUT: "Pig latin!")

          Tell me, Janet. You watch Devtonvale?

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Do you have herpes?") or

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Do you have crabs?")

Janet: Uh, yes. I've caught it once or twice.

Bert: That's right. DTV's most popular hospital series, featuring those perennial favorites, Nation and Cosmo
McKinley, neuro-specialist par excellence.

                    (SHOUT: "Kark from Sling Blade had better diction") or

                    (SHOUT: "What?")

          I recommend, if you pardon my French, Janet,

                    (SHOUT: "Oh") or

                    (SHOUT: "Fuck Off!")

          that you send Brad to them for treatment.

                    (ECHO: "a lobotomy") or

                    (SHOUT: "How's your dad in bed?")

Janet: Oh, uh, well, uh, I know he's a little boring, but, uh, neuro specialists? That sounds a little drastic.

Bert: Ah, there's no use pussy footing around, Janet.

                    (SHOUT: "Then get your foot out of her pussy") or

                    (SHOUT: "There's no pussy around Janet")

          We have to cut quick and deep.

                    (SHOUT: "Like O.J.")
 
 

(Music plays again briefly)

                    (SHOUT: "Which president did you kill?")

Oliver: McKinley

                    (SHOUT: "Who?") or

                    (SHOUT: "What?")

          McKinley

                    (SHOUT: "Oh…")

                    (SHOUT: "You killed McKinley, you bastard!") or

                    (SHOUT: "You shouldn't have said that, your father doesn't like presidents")

Betty: Bert brought them over from Europe.

                    (ECHO: "Sesame Street")

Oliver: Oh?

                    (ECHO: "Crabs?") or

                    (SHOUT: "Duty free")

Betty: They had a very popular series together.

                    (SHOUT: "Mr. & Mrs. Bean")

          Its still rerun in a lot of countries. You must have seen them in Dentonvale.

                    (SHOUT OVER: "When you take a shower, do you wash your asshole?")

Oliver: No, I never watch that.

                    (NOTE: When he says "watch" it sounds like "wash")

                    (SHOUT: "I'd miss Baywatch")
 
 

(Camera pans back to Bert)

Bert: [There's no use wasting another moment] but I'm afraid there's only one solution, isn't there folks?

                    (SHOUT: "Sodium Pentathol") or

                    (SHOUT: "One plus one is three" - "only if you're stoned")

(Floor manager holds up sign reading DENTONVALE)

          One, two, three!

Audience: Dentonvale!

                    (SHOUT: "OH SHIT!!! NOT AGAIN!!!!")

Bert: Hoopla! Don't go away, we'll be right back to see if Brad and Janet want to play or pass.

                    (SHOUT: "Uh, we're gonna pass, Richard") and/or

                    (SHOUT: "I feel a disturbance in the force")

                    (SHOUT: "Tell Bird Shit how he is in bed")

Floor Manager: Great, Bert.

Bert: Congratulations.

                    (SHOUT: "Ejaculations! Ejaculations!")

          I think you've made a wise decision.

                    (SHOUT: "That's Weiss")

                    (SHOUT: "Not anymore") or

                    (ECHO: "I think you've made a mess in your pants") or

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Hey Janet, where do you like to get fucked?")

Janet: But, but I...

Brad: Janet, I'm not going.

                    (SHOUT: "I told you to go before the movie started") or

                    (SHOUT: "You're not coming either")

Janet: What do you mean you're not going? Bert made all the arrangements.

                    (SHOUT: "Music score by Bert Schnicks!") or

                    (SHOUT: "Thank you, Mr. Bacharach")

Brad: But I don't need treatment.

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Brad's got a drinking problem")

(Brad knocks over a pitcher of water)

Bert: But you do need glasses, eh, stupid?

                    (SHOUT: "How else is he suppose to drink the water?") or

                    (SHOUT: "He has glasses, stupid!")

(We can see Brad's microphone shake in the foreground)

                    (AP: Run up to the microphone on the screen and shake it)

          Doesn't he customers?

                    (SHOUT: "Cleanup in aisle 5") or

                    (SHOUT: "Bert's an orchestra conducter")

(Bert waves his blind cane at the audience).

                    (AP: As Bert waves his cane, like an orchestra conducter, make orchestra sounds)

Janet: I am sick of being humiliated by you.

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Which hand does Bert jack off with?")

          Bert's right. You're going.
 
 

(Song: "Bitchin' In The Kitchen")
 
 

Male announcer: It looks like Brad and Janet are heavily amazed today.

                    (SHOUT/sing: "Baby I'm amazed…")

          Here's some more prizes to amaze, here on Marriage Maze.

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Let's sing a song about kitchen appliances")

                    (SHOUT: "Hey Brad, where do you put your penis?") or

                    (SHOUT: "What do you call the tractor that chopped up Bambi?")

Brad: Dear blender

                    (SHOUT: "Has any one seen my baby?")

          Oh won't you help a first offender

                    (SHOUT: "O.J.")

          Oh, toaster

                    (SHOUT: "Pop tarts")

                    (AP: Throw toast)

                    (SHOUT: "Alright, who threw the toaster?")

          Don't you put the burn on me.

                    (SHOUT: "What do you call Janet's crotch?")

          Refrigerator

          Why are we always sooner or later

                    (SHOUT/sing: "Love is Gonna Getcha…")

          Bitchin' in the kitchen or cryin' in the bedroom allnight

                    (ECHO: "Bitchin' in the kitchin or fuckin' in the bedroom all night.") or

                    (ECHO: "Bitchin' in the kitchin or fuckin' with a dildo all night.")

          Dear knife drawer

                    (SHOUT: "OJ performs an abortion")

          Now, won't you help me to face life more

                    (SHOUT: "What do you call Janet's crotch?")

          Oh, trashcan

                    (AP: Throw wadded up sheets of paper)

          Don't you put the dirt on me

          Oh perculator

                    (SHOUT: "Looks like a coffee pot to me")

          Why are we always sooner or later

                    (ECHO: "Oh Darth Vader, why can't I use the force some more later")

          Bitchin' in the kitchen or cryin' in the bedroom all night.

                    (ECHO: "Bitchin' in the kitchin or fuckin' in the bedroom all night.") or

                    (ECHO: "Bitchin' in the kitchin or fuckin' with a dildo all night.")

                    (SHOUT: "Ladies and Gentlemen, Janet, as a bass")

Janet: Everything used to be okay

                    (ECHO: "all gay")

          But I've been had

                    (SHOUT: "by everybody") or

                    (SHOUT: "by")

          Brad, I'm glad to say...

                    (ECHO: "Brad's a fag today")

          ..is on his way

                    (ECHO: "He seems so gay") or

                    (ECHO: "So get away")

          Micro-digital awaker

(We see a digital clock with the numbers changing fast)

                    (SHOUT: "Time is speeding") or

                    (SHOUT: "Looks like a clock to me")

          Why are we always sooner or later

          Bitchin' in the kitchen or cryin' in the bedroom all night.

                    (ECHO: "Bitchin' in the kitchin or fuckin' in the bedroom all night.") or

                    (ECHO: "Bitchin' in the kitchin or fuckin' with a dildo all night.")

                    (SHOUT: "It's a Stevie Wonder cameo")

(Bert walks across the set and smiles)

          Shower curtains

                    (AP: Make the knife-stabbing squeals related to the "Psycho" scene)

                    (AP: Squirt waterguns)

          Oh won't you help me to be certain.

                    (SHOUT: "What do you use for lubrication?")

          Oh, toothpaste

                    (SHOUT: "Gleam!")

                    (SHOUT: "I use Vagisil") or

                    (SHOUT: "Can we squeeze your tits?")

          Don't you put the squeeze on me

          Depilitator

                    (ECHO: "Deep penitrator")

          Why are we always sooner or later

                    (ECHO: "I hope I'll come sooner or later")

          Bitchin' in the kitchen or cryin' in the bedroom all night.

                    (ECHO: "Bitchin' in the kitchin or fuckin' in the bedroom all night.") or

                    (ECHO: "Bitchin' in the kitchin or fuckin' with a dildo all night.") or

                    (ECHO: "Fuckin' in the kitchen or sleepin' with a dildo all night")

(Ricky comes onto the set with a wheel chair)

                    (SHOUT: "For one night only, it's Dr. Scott's wheelchair!")

Male announcer: And now it's back to Marriage Maze. And for those of you who are Dentonvale watchers, here's our
suprise guest. Yes, and here's Bert!

                    (SHOUT: "Hey, Lucy, I'm home!")

Bert: Hey folks, it's Ricky from the rest home.

                    (ECHO: "Restroom")

Ricky: Hey Bert!

                    (SHOUT OVER: "My hand is dirty")

(Bert slaps Bert five)

Bert: Hey Ricky

                    (SHOUT: "You're so fine, you're so fine, and I'm so blind, hey Ricky!")

Ricky: I've come for Mr. Majors.

                    (SHOUT: "He'll come for anyone") or

                    (SHOUT: "Everyone comes for Mr. Majors") or

                    (SHOUT: "We can make him better, stronger, faster") or

                    (SHOUT: "Here, let me get you a kleenex") or

                    (SHOUT: "But will Mr. Majors come for you?") or

                    (SHOUT: "Did he say he'd come for Mr. Rogers?")

Bert: Brad will learn how to care in a surgical chair.

                    (SHOUT: "And learn how to fuck in an ambulance truck") or

                    (SHOUT: "We're writing a new sequel")

Ricky: Nothing, uh, serious I hope.

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Wanna fuck a chicken?")

Janet: Oh no, no. Just a routine checkup.

                    (SHOUT: "Put your feet in the stirrups and relax")

Bert: Just a routine checkup, eh, viewers?

                    (SHOUT: "Is there an echo in here?") and/or

                    (SHOUT: "Sing to us, oh bitchy one") or

                    (SHOUT: "And now a potato farm advertisement")

Janet: Tell me spectators

                    (ECHO: "Sell me potaters") or

                    (ECHO: "Smell me, spectators") or

                    (ECHO: "Tell me, vibrator")

          Why are we always sooner or later

                    (ECHO: "Why can't Brad have his orgasms later?")

          Bitchin' in the kitchen or cryin' in the bedroom all night."

                    (ECHO: "Bitchin' in the kitchin or fuckin' in the bedroom all night.") or

                    (ECHO: "Bitchin' in the kitchin or fuckin' with a dildo all night.")

                    (SHOUT: "Her hair is tied in a severe bun") or

                    (SHOUT: "What a tight bun!")

(Brad is shoved down into the seat of the wheelchair)

                    (AP: Make the sound of a whoopie cushion fart).

(They exit stage)

Male announcer: Ha ha ha!

(Bert dances wildly)

                    (SHOUT/sing: "Hey, Macarena")

          Well, Bert's done it again. Another rocky marriage is headed for intensive care.

                    (SHOUT: "Like Ralph and Betty's") or

                    (SHOUT: "And another O'Brien movie is headed downhill")

Bert: The subject is committed...

                    (SHOUT: "Hey Bert, I'm bored with this movie!")

          ..as are we all.

                    (SHOUT: "And now, E.R. Live")
 
 

(Scene change to "Dentonvale" logo)

                    (SHOUT: "OH SHIT!!! NOT AGAIN!!!!")

Announcer: Dentonvale, The Arrival, introducing Brad and Janet Majors.

                    (SHOUT: "…and Charlie Sheen")

(Camera enters Cosmo's office where we see Cosmo and Nation McKinley sitting behind a desk.)

                    (SHOUT: "Riff Raff! What happened to your hair?!")

Cosmo: Ah, Mr. and Mrs. Majors, how wonderful to see you.

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Quick! Name change!")

          I'm Dr. Cosmo McKinley

                    (AP: Shout "Whoop!" as he swipes his name sign with his finger; repeat it with Nation's name as well)

          and this is my sister and

                    (SHOUT: "Lover")

          colleague

                    (SHOUT: "Same thing")

          Dr. Nation McKinley.

                    (SHOUT: "Looks like an under-developed nation, if you ask me")

Nation: We understand you've been going through a rather trying time.

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Have you tried oral sex?")

Janet: Well, yes. We have.

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Stand up and take it like an asshole")

(Brad takes defense, standing)

Brad: Now, now, now listen. There, there's nothing really wrong with me.

(Ricky injects Brad in the neck)

                    (SHOUT: "Another asshole getting poked")

          Janet and I haven't been getting along too well lately and I had a little

                    (SHOUT: "Dick?")

          little trouble

                    (SHOUT: "Staying up? Try Viagra") or

                    (SHOUT: "Getting any")

(Brad falls on the desk-top)

                    (SHOUT: "Live from New York! It's Saturday Night!")

Janet: Oh Brad!

Cosmo: Ooh, does he do this often?

Janet: No, he's never done this before.

                    (ECHO: "No, he's never fallen on desks before.") or

                    (SHOUT: "Get an erection?")

Cosmo: Good, then there's still hope. Lots and lots of hope.

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Bob Hope, Mount Hope, Ryan's Hope")

Nation: If anyone can help Brad, we can.

(Nurse Ansalong enters room)

                    (SHOUT: "Helloooo Nurse") or

                    (SHOUT: "Columbia, what happened to your hair?")

Janet: Well, he does need help.

Cosmo: Ah, nurse Ansalong, you've arrived.

Ansalong: Oh, that was real short notice because the other monkeys...

                    (SHOUT: "Fran Drescher!") and/or

                    (SHOUT: "Shut up…")

Nation: Attend to Mr. Majors.

Cosmo: Just one or two formalities that have to be dealt with, Mrs. Majors.

(Ansalong bends over)

                    (SHOUT: "You bend over, I'll drive") or

                    (SHOUT: "Look, new faces") or

                    (SHOUT: "Servants enter from the rear")

(Cosmo swats Ansalong's butt with papers)

          A contract to be signed.

                    (SHOUT: "A rear entry form")

Janet: Could I do that later, please?

Nation: Of course, you can, Mrs. Majors.

(Brad, Janet, Ansalong, and Ricky leave room)

                    (SHOUT: "Goodbyyye Nurse")

Ansalong: (whispering) Sign the contract tomorrow.

                    (SHOUT: "Under the B is W")

Cosmo: (chasing after them, with Nation at his side, the door hits him in the face) Ouch!

                    (SHOUT: "Damn murphy beds!") or

                    (SHOUT/sing: "Watch out for that tree!")

          Mrs. Majors, just one or two details. Does Brad have any living relatives

                    (ECHO: "...any toupees?")

          any blood relatives?

                    (ECHO "...any used toupees?") or

                    (SHOUT: "Count Dracula?")

Janet: No, he doesn't. Can I take care of this later?

Nation: Of course.

                    (SHOUT: "I think your sister is in the mood for some S and M")

(Nation swats Cosmo)

                    (SHOUT: "Incest is best. A family that eats together, beats together") or

                    (SHOUT: "Thank you, Mistress, may I have another?")

Janet: Why did you tell me not to sign now?

                    (SHOUT: "It's important for the plot")

Ansalong: Well, that way you get the first day

                    (ECHO: "lay")

          free.

                    (SHOUT: "Thank you, Kato Kaelin") or

                    (SHOUT: "Goodbyyye Nurse")

(They enter the cage room. The sign on the door reads "Terminal Ward")

                    (SHOUT: "How's the beaver's condition, June? It's terminal, Ward.")
 
 

(Scene switches to the Marriage Maze show, with Janet's parents, Harry and Emily)

Male Announcer: Here's Bert, that eternal show biz whiz, with a family connection in the thirty second quiz.

                    (ECHO: "Jizz")

Bert: As Janet's parents, this should be really easy

                    (SHOUT: "Like Janet")

Emily: About Brad's family?

                    (SHOUT: "What's your damage?")

Bert: Your last clue is...

                    (SHOUT: "Mrs. Peacock in the study")

          Mental instability. You have thirty seconds.

                    (SHOUT: "Or your pizza's free")

Harry: Mental instability?

Emily: He was adopted, you know.

                    (ECHO: "He's an asshole, you know")

Harry: Oh yeah, I had forgotten.

                    (SHOUT: "How can you forget your asshole?") or

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Who farted?")

Emily: Well, I hadn't. I was worried about inherited craziness when they married. I said to Janet, What do we know
about his parents?

                    (SHOUT: "They died laughing") or

                    (SHOUT: "From Smallville")

Bert: Which leads us to...

                    (SHOUT: "Oz!") or

                    (SHOUT: "God!") then

                    (SHOUT: "The secret password for today is….infantile regression") or

                    (whispered chant SHOUT: "Infantile regression, infantile regression, infantile regression...")

Male announcer: This afternoon's surprise prize, Bert, which is a delirious stay in that evergreen series, Happy
Homes, with unlimited use of a new dream kitchen.

                    (SHOUT: "Compliments of Barbie")

                    (end of whispered chant SHOUT: "...infantile regression.")

Emily: Infantile regression?

                    (SHOUT: "Does she have herpes?") or

                    (SHOUT: "Alright, who has syphillis?")

Bert: You got it.

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Hey, Emily, fake an orgasm")

Emily: (overly excited) I got it? I got it!

Harry: She got it, she got it!

(The screen displays a flashing message, over and over: Jackpot, Happy Homes.)

                    (SHOUT over and over: "Jackoff Happy Homos, jackoff happy homos,...")

Emily: Oh, I got it!

                    (SHOUT: "Raise your hand if you're sure")

Harry: (raising a proud fist into the air) Hey, Bert, how about that? She got it!

                    (SHOUT: "Now everyone's got it!")

Bert: Congratulations and its Happy Homes to Harry and Emily Weiss of Denton.

                    (ECHO: "Berwyn")

(Scene switches to show Farley in his office, watching the show)

Farley: Ha ha.

                    (SHOUT: "Must see TV, my ass") or

                    (SHOUT: "Breast adjustment") or

                    (SHOUT: Hey, Emily, show us your titties!")
 
 

(Scene switches to TV monitor where Emily claps her hands close to her chest, screaming "I got it!" - the scene now takes place in Cosmo's
office, where Cosmo is filing and Nation and Bert sit across from each other at the desk)

Bert: She got it! She got the big one!

                    (ECHO: "She got it! She got the big ones!")

          Infantile regression!

Nation: Our speciality.

                    (SHOUT: "What?")

Bert: Your speciality.

                    (SHOUT: "Oh")

Cosmo: I can't wait to begin on him.

                    (SHOUT: "I bet you say that to all the boys")

          Really Bert, I don't know what we'd do without you.

                    (SHOUT: "But we'd like to try")

Bert: I must confess, the decision to have Brad committed was not strictly my own.

                    (SHOUT: "Bert's got Roman fingers")

(Bert's fingers find their way to Nation)

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Do you know any sluts? I don't…")

Cosmo: No, of course. There's Janet. But if she was so keen on getting him in here, why wouldn't she sign the
contract?

                    (SHOUT: "Nudity clause")

Bert: No, it wasn't Janet, exactly. It was, in fact, your new sponsor.

                    (SHOUT: "Nike") or

                    (SHOUT: "What?")

Cosmo: Sponser?

                    (SHOUT: "Oh")

Bert: Dentonvale has been sold.

                    (SHOUT: "What?")

Cosmo: Sold?

                    (SHOUT: "Oh") or

                    (SHOUT/sing: "Signed, sealed, delivered…")

Nation: Dear old Bert settled everything.

Bert: Yeah, you endorse his Faith Factory and he endorses your research.

                    (SHOUT: "Watch out for your fingers!") and/or

                    (SHOUT: "Get paranoid, Cosmo!")

Cosmo: He--

(Cosmo slams the file drawer shut)

                    (SHOUT: "Ow, my fingers!") or

                    (SHOUT: "Get REALLY paranoid, Cosmo!")

          --How dare this person take advantage of my weakness!

                    (ECHO: "How dare this person take advantage of my hair!") then quickly:

                    (SHOUT: "He wants to fuck you in the ass")

Nation: I don't think he intends to go that far.

                    (SHOUT: "Want some more cocaine, Cosmo?")

(Cosmo turns away, perhaps in shame or frustration. The top file cabinet drawer reads the letters A and H)

                    (SHOUT: "What does the A-H stand for?" - "Asshole!" - "That's where you file your asshole." - "How do you
                    file your asshole?" - "With 20-grit toilet paper")

(Bert and Nation laugh, Cosmo continues to look down at file cabinet, as scene switches to the terminal ward.)
 
 

(Song: "In My Own Way")
 
 

(Scene shows Ansalong leaving the ward, while Janet circles the cage Brad is locked in)

                    (SHOUT: "Tell us his name Dr. Lecteur")

Janet: If only you knew how to win some prizes

                    (ECHO: "Find my G-spot") or

                    (SHOUT: "I didn't know Brad was in The Birdcage")

          If only you knew how to play

                    (ECHO: "...Ralph was gay") or

                    (SHOUT: "Strip poker")

          If you could sleep nights and stop your crying

(Scene shows TV monitor with Janet as focus. Above the monitor is a red light. Below the monitor is a green light.)

                    (SHOUT: "If red means stop, and green means go, then the middle means AAAAHHHH!!!")

          Then you might find out I still love you in my own way.

                    (SHOUT: "There's not enough white halls in this movie!")

          If that's not enough then I am so sorry I met you

          It was almost like leading you on.

                    (SHOUT: "A leash") or

                    (SHOUT/sing: "Lead on me, when you're not strong…")

          But there's more to it all

          than just wringing your heart out

          over something that keeps on going wrong.

                    (SHOUT: "Hey Janet, we don't love you in this movie!")

          So don't tell me you love me

                    (SHOUT: "What does abstainence mean?")

          How am I supposed to know what that means?

                   (SHOUT: "What are the rules of prostition?") or

                   (SHOUT: "Never having to say you're sorry")

          No, don't sell emotion

          You can't find devotion

                    (ECHO: "You can't use my lotion")

          if you're falling apart at the seams

                    (ECHO: "If you're slutting your stuff on the streets") or

                    (SHOUT: "Like a rag doll")

          I hope that you smile when you reach your conclusion

                    (ECHO: "...orgasm") or

                    (SHOUT: "We all will")

          I hope that you'll know just what to say

                    (ECHO: "I hope that you know that Ralph is gay")

          But if it should mean

                    (SHOUT: "What's your favorite Journey song?")

          that the party is over

                    (SHOUT: "Mine, too") or

                    (SHOUT/sing: "And I'll cry if I want to")

          You should know that I still love you

                    (SHOUT: "What?")

          You should know that I still love you

                    (SHOUT: "Oh")

          You should know that I still love you in my own way

                    (SHOUT: "What?")

          In my own way

                    (SHOUT: "Oh")

          In my own way

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Is that Jack Nicholson following her?")

          In my own way.

(The doors open up revealing Emily)

                    (SHOUT: "Heeeere's Mommy!")
 
 
 
 

(Emily is carrying a dress she made as she comforts Janet)

Emily: Oh my poor baby.

                    (SHOUT: "You should have made a rich one")

Janet: Oh mom, its Brad.

Emily: I know, I know baby. He's gonna get all the help he needs. But in the mean time, look, for you.

(Emily hands Janet a new pink outfit. Janet is impressed by it and tries to get in words of praise but Emily keeps
talking over her.)

          They call it a new look in an old favorite.

(Emily bites the thread near the dress' chestline)

                    (SHOUT: "Don't bite her tit!")

          I copied it from the window on the world show. The Far East meets The Midwest.

                    (SHOUT/sing: "Turning Japanese, I think I'm turning Japanese, I really think so")

Janet: Mom its -

                    (SHOUT: "The dress my Aunt was buried in") or

                    (SHOUT: "Princess Di's dress")

Emily: Its just what the doctor ordered. I know. Come on in. My favorite show just started.

Janet: What show?

Emily: Dentonvale.

                    (SHOUT: "OH SHIT!!! NOT AGAIN!!!")

(Scene switches to Nurse Ansalong bending over to feed Brad in the Terminal ward just after Ricky left.)

                    (SHOUT: "No wonder she's the head nurse. Lower, lower...")

(Scene switches to a monitor showing the opening sequence screen to Happy Homes.)

Announcer: Love Starts in the home and where better to find this than in today's happy homes.

                    (ECHO: "Happy Homos")

(Scene switches to Emily's kitchen, where we see a cereal box with a black man on it.)

          With guest star Janet Majors.

                    (ECHO: "Bill Cosby") or

                    (SHOUT: "as the Beaver")

(In the background we can see a package of Charmin toilet tissue, and a CHOCK FULL O' NUTS Coffee can)

                    (SHOUT: "Don't squeeze the Charmin, part 5") and

                    (SHOUT: "How ironic - Chock Full o' Nuts and Brad in the same movie!")

(Emily is getting ready to pour a cup of coffee for Janet and herself.)

                    (SHOUT when you see the coffee pot: "Has anyone seen my spitoon?") and/or

                    (SHOUT in reference to a scene in Bitchin' In The Kitchen: "Looks like a perculator to me.")

Janet: Oh, thanks.

(The camera switches to the back door, where Harry is entering, wiping the sweat from his brow.)

                    (SHOUT: "I AM Tiger Woods")

(As an announcer begins talking in the background on a commercial, Harry walks towards the refridgerator.)

                    (SHOUT: "Has anyone seen my golfball?")

(Harry opens the fridge door and looks inside)

                    (SHOUT: "Nope, not in there.")

(Harry gives a look of frustration, swinging a fist in the air slightly)

                    (SHOUT: "Damn") or

                    (Beavis & Butthead SHOUT: "Heh heh, he got wood")

(Harry takes off his hat and practices his putting behind Janet and Emily. We can see that Janet has now changed into the new outfit her
mother gave her. Emily attempts to pin a flower on Janet's breast)

                    (AP: When the pin touches Janet's chest, make a "ssss" sound, as though air were escaping).

Harry: Oh for crying out loud, Emily, leave her alone. She's not a kid.

Emily: Well I wanted to see her in it.

                    (SHOUT: "It's better than seeing her out of it")

Janet: Its really very nice.

Emily: The material is imported…

                    (SHOUT: "From Skokie")

          …Taiwanese

                    (SHOUT/sing: "Turning Taiwanese, I think I'm turning Taiwanese, I really think so").

Harry: Damn it Emily, she's not interested.

Emily: What are you trying to do Harry, start an argument?

(Harry has his knees pressed together oddly)

                    (SHOUT: "Dad's gotta go pee!")

          Don't you want your daughter to look pretty?

Harry: Who's she got to look pretty for?

                    (SHOUT: "Fabio")

Emily: She's got a husband.

Harry: She's got a weirdo!

                    (ECHO: "...an asshole!")

          I've never been able to afford the time to havea nervous breakdown.

                    (SHOUT: "My visa's maxed out!")

Janet: Oh, poor Brad.

Emily: Thank God he was born an orphan. It would have killed his parents.

                    (SHOUT: "They died laughing")

                    (NOTE: In the background, you hear laughter)

          And thank goodness he hasn't ended up like that Slibstrini boy.

Harry: What are you talking about. Danny Slibstrini is a chip off the old block.

                    (SHOUT: "Chip got evicted")

          Why, I played 18 holes of golf with his father just last week

                    (Beavis & Butthead SHOUT: "Heh heh, he said Holes")

          and Hank says that Danny's moved to New York to better himself.

                    (ECHO: "Butter himself")

Emily: He moved all right.

                    (SHOUT: "A bowel movement")

          And they found him at the back of Wilson's bakery

                    (SHOUT: "With a bun in the oven")

          naked,with fifteen other men.

                    (SHOUT: "Fruit filled") or

                    (SHOUT: "What kind of men?")

Janet: Mexicans.

                    (SHOUT: "Que?")

(Harry puts on a face of disgust and disbelief and misses the putt.)

                    (SHOUT: "If he fucks like he golfs, he'll never make the hole") or

                    (SHOUT: "At least Danny got a hole in one!")

(Harry throws his putter, grabs his hat and heads for the door.)

Harry: I'm gonna catch up on a few jobs that need doing outside.

                    (SHOUT: "Like mowing the garage") or

                    (SHOUT: "OJ needs an alibi") or

                    (SHOUT: "Blowjobs, handjobs")

(Harry slams door)

Male Announcer: We return to Dentonvale after this important message.

                    (SHOUT: "Sasquatch" }

Emily: You shouldn't have said that.

Janet: But why?

                    (ECHO: "Why not?")

Emily: Your father doesn't like Mexicans.

(Scene changes to a shot of the crowd. Emily's last line is repeated over PA system.)

                    (SHOUT OVER: "It's the Mark Fhurman fan club")

Audience: YEAH!!!
 
 

(Song - "Thank God I'm A Man")
 
 

(Scene switch to the Weiss's garage door opening up.)

                    (SHOUT: "Why is he mowing his garage?") or

                    (SHOUT: "Garth Brooks, unplugged") or

                    (SHOUT/sing: "Convoy…")

(Harry starts his lawnmower)

                    (SHOUT: "Mowing the Astro Turf, part one")

                    (SHOUT: "Stand for the Republican National Antham")

                    (NOTE: There is a clever ECHO to shout over the first 3 lines or so of the next song. Time it out carefully: "How'd
                    you do, I see you've met my faithful Lawnmower Man")

Harry: A man should call the toss

                    (SHOUT: "Heads or tails") and/or

                    (SHOUT: "I want head")

          Wear the pants, and be the boss

                    (SHOUT: "Bruce")

          A man should be the

                    (ECHO: "eat a")

          drake

                    (SHOUT: "Duck you!")

          For his own damn sake

          And men should be the misters

                    (ECHO: "Fisters")

          And the masters

          of their sisters

                    (ECHO: "...and the baters")

          A man should be the reason

          for a heart to break

                    (ECHO: "For his cock to ache")

Marines: So, be moral

                    (ECHO: "immoral") or

                    (SHOUT: "The evolution of man")

          Don't quarrel

                    (ECHO: "a squirel")

          Fair and square is best

                    (ECHO: "let 'em feel your chest")

Women: Let me alert you

(The ladies have their hand on their chest, the other in the air)

                    (SHOUT: "Do you see a flag?")

          that virtue won't hurt you or desert you

                    (SHOUT: "Pussy Whip")

Men: If you wear hair on your chest

                    (ECHO: "If you keep beer in a chest") or

                    (ECHO: "If you wear hair on your nuts")

Audience: So always remember to follow the rules.

Men: Box clever

Men: Jock's never

                    (SHOUT: "Sit down!")

Harry: (takes off golf hat) Hock another jock's tools!

                    (ECHO: "Grab another jock's jewels")

(Harry starts up mower again)

                    (SHOUT: "Mowing the Astro Turf, part two")

                    (AP: During thisd next verse, you have the opportunity to hum the theme to Underdog, "ooh, wah ooh, wah
                    ooh...etc.)

          A man should wax a car

                    (ECHO: "his knob")

          and fix a fuse and tend a bar

                    (SHOUT: "Like Tim Allen")

          A man should like his brow to be wet with sweat

                    (ECHO: "cum")

          Men should know the right occasions

          To indulge in tax evasions

                    (ECHO: "Sex liaisons")

          A man should know the settings

                    (ECHO: "spankings")

          that his spark plugs get

                    (ECHO: "hot dog gets")

                    (SHOUT: "What did you have in your ass last night?")

          Faggots are

                    (ECHO: "and")

          maggots

          Thank god I'm a man

                    (ECHO: "...one too") and/or

                    (SHOUT: "Well gollee, Sgt. Carter")

(Harry salutes and the garage door starts to close)

                    (SHOUT: "The home improvement garage door opener - grunt grunt!") or

                    (SHOUT: "Who did you have in your ass last night?")

(The closed door reveals the presidential seal)

                    (SHOUT: "Bill Clinton?!") and/or

                    (SHOUT: "He carries the Bill Clinton seal of approval")

                    (SHOUT: "He left a stain on his lawnmower")
 
 

Scene switch to Dentonvale conference room. Ansalong is wheeling in a cart of fruit and wine.)

                    (SHOUT: "Okay, who ordered the fruit platter appetizer to the television entre?")

(At the table sit Bert, Nation and Cosmo)

Bert: What a meal! Scrumptious mine leibeling. I insist on the recipe.

                    (SHOUT: "It's leftover meatloaf!")

Nation: Coming from a gourmet that's praise indeed.

                    (SHOUT: "Why do you smell good?")

Secrets.

                    (SHOUT: "Made for a woman")

Cosmo: With Fast Food Farley at the helm it'll probably be TV dinners from now on.

                    (SHOUT: "Like Meatloaf?")

Bert: Farley is already a TV winner

                    (ECHO: "Weiner")

          as we shall see

                    (SHOUT: "He'll be NBCing you and I'm not CBSing")

(Bert pushes buttons.)

                    (SHOUT: "Hold my calls, Mrs. Hawiggons")

(Ricky wheels in a TV set)

                    (SHOUT: "Alright, who ordered the television, well done?") and/or

                    (SHOUT: "Take the dinner out of the microwave before you bring it out!") or

                    (SHOUT: "Is this what he meant by TV Dinner?")

          Dentonvale will run forever now that his interest has embraced mental hygiene.

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Where can we have an orgy?") or

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Where can we have a picnic?")

Nation: Our field.

                    (SHOUT: "I hate chiggers!")
 
 

(Scene switch to the Research Lab. Oliver and Betty are sitting, talking)

Oliver: You know, I'm convinced that its some kind of conspiracy.

Betty: Conspiracy?

                    (SHOUT: "The X-Files in 30 years, with Moldy & Scuzzy")

Oliver: Mm hmm

Betty: That sounds a little far fetched

                    (SHOUT: "That's why they call it a conspiracy theory")

Oliver: Oh I don't know. Remember Lieutenant Orpheous? He disappeared into that underworld series and never
came back.

                    (SHOUT: "I'd disappear too if my last name was Oriface") or

                    (SHOUT: "Sliders")

Betty: Sounds like my husband. He never came back either.

                    (SHOUT: "He came when I was with him") or

                    (SHOUT: "He never came, period.")

Oliver: Ha ha ha.

Betty: Not after Flavors gave him a commercial break.

                    (ECHO: "...blow job.")

Oliver: Ah yes, Farley flavors. You know I find it remarkable that his Faith Factory is being financed by an entire
nations indigestion. Ha ha ha ha ha.

                    (SHOUT: "I made a funny") and/or

                    (SHOUT: "I don't get it.")
 
 

(Scene shift back to Dentonvale conference room)

Bert: Who do you think gave you the next episode?

                    (SHOUT: "The writers?") or

                    (SHOUT: "Aaron Spelling")

(Bert hands nation a folder with a red heart on the front)

                    (SHOUT: "I Love Lucy!") or

                    (SHOUT: "Love connection")

          So that Janet will be free to front line the new Faith Factory Show.

                    (SHOUT: "Janet's already free")

                    (SHOUT: "I'll take 5 dollars worth")

                    (SHOUT: "It's still free")

Cosmo: We're the experts.

Bert: Who trusts e-e-experts?

                    (SHOUT: "I-I-I do")

Nation: Why Janet?

Bert: Everyone loves the girl next door.

(Bites into an apple)

                    (SHOUT: "Everybody's had the girl next door")

          Particularly Farley.

                    (SHOUT: "He's had her twice!")

Nation: So it seems.

                    (SHOUT: "Let's play charades") or

                    (SHOUT: "Hey, half a worm!")

(Bert and Nation burst out laughing. Bert sprays apple from his mouth)

                    (SHOUT: "Look, I'm a zit. Get it?") or

                    (SHOUT: "I like seafood, don't you?")
 

Scene shift back to Research Lab. Knock at the door)

Betty: (laughing) Come in.

                    (SHOUT: "and out, and in, and out, and in")

Ralph: Oh, hi.

Oliver: Hi.

Betty: Hi.

Ralph: Oh, I just came to give you this Betty.

(Ralph hands her an envelope)

          (SHOUT: "It's a fuck you note")

Betty: Oh well thank you.

Ralph: You're welcome

          (SHOUT OVER: "Sobriety check")

Macy: (entering) Hi.

Oliver: Hi.

Ralph: Hi.

Betty: Hi.

                    (SHOUT: "Everybody's high")

Ralph: Oh we'd better get going.

                    (SHOUT: "I'd rather be coming")

          Tomorrow's the big one and, uh, Farley expects.

                    (SHOUT: "A blow job") or

                    (SHOUT: "To be fucked")

Oliver: Oh, you bet.

                    (SHOUT: "I fold")

Ralph: Uh huh.

Oliver: Uh huh.

                    (SHOUT/sing: "Uh huh, Da da da")

Ralph: I guess we'd better leave you young things to it.

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Sexuality check")

Betty: Bye.

Oliver: Bye.

Macy: Bye.

Ralph: Bye.

Oliver: Bye.

                    (SHOUT: "Everybody's Bi")

(Ralph and Macy exit.)

                    (SHOUT: "I drank too much beer")

(Betty gets up)

                    (SHOUT: "I feel sick")

(Betty opens the door)

Betty: Oh Ralph.

                    (AP: Make vomit sound)

Ralph: Yes?

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Take this job and…")

Betty: Shove it!

Ralph: Oh, you shove it too, Betty!

                    (SHOUT: "I will! Now where's that dildo?")

                    (SHOUT: "Up your ass")

(Betty slams the door and walks back to her seat)

Betty: Alimony is just another word for rape.

                    (SHOUT: "Alimony! Alimony!") or

                    (SHOUT: "Tell that to Tori Amos")

(Betty opens the envelope)

                    (SHOUT: "I know what you did last summer")

          Conspiracy is right! The Denton Dossier is...

                    (ECHO: "The X-Files are...") or

                    (ECHO: "Janet's legs are...")

Oliver: Closed.

                    (SHOUT: "That's it. I want my 5 dollars back")

                    (SHOUT: "Hey, Chuck, drop that tack")

(Oliver drops a tack into his stationary holder)

                    (SHOUT: "That's tacky") or

                    (SHOUT: "Now he has no tact")
 
 

MUSIC - DENTONVALE ORGAN MUSIC (Dentonvale opening)

Announcer: Dentonvale,

                    (SHOUT: "OH SHIT!!! NOT AGAIN!!!!")

        special guest star: Janet Majors.

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Who's LaToya's sister?")

Cosmo & Nation: Janet!

                    (SHOUT: "No, Michael") or

                    (SHOUT: "Norm!")

Janet: I've come to see Brad.

                    (SHOUT, in reference to The Wizzard Of Oz's gatekeeper: "Nobody ever sees Brad. Not no way, not no how") or

                    (SHOUT: "Get the mop") or

                    (SHOUT: "At least she came")

Nation: That's out of the question. He's sleeping like a baby.

                    (SHOUT: "We have to change his diapers every two hours...or every two pounds") or

                    (SHOUT: "He wakes up every two hours crying")

Cosmo: Its you we're concerned about Janet.

Nation: Yes Janet. How are you? Are you happy?

Janet: Well I'm happy.

                    (SHOUT/sing: "If your happy and you know it clap your hands")

Cosmo: There are countless people in this world Janet who believe that they're happy

                    (SHOUT: "But that doesn't count") or

                    (SHOUT: "Scientologists")

Nation: But they only think that they're happy.

                    (SHOUT OVER: "One plus one equals three")

Janet: Oh well that doesn't make any sense.

Bert:This might, Janet.

(Bert turns on the TV)

                    (SHOUT/sing: "Sunny days, sweeping the clouds away")

                    (SHOUT: "What's the worst thing to see when you wake up in the morning?")

(Farley's image is on TV. His back is to us. Suddenly, he turns around to face us)

                    (SHOUT in fear: "Aahhh!") and/or

                    (SHOUT: "What's your favorite conjunction?")

Farley: And...a big Denton welcome to my new delegation.

                    (SHOUT: "Fuck you very much")

          This is Farley and I'm here with the score.

                    (SHOUT: "What's the score? One from the vaults")

          We're gonna package and sell some mental health for the nation with my dream of the girl next door.

                    (SHOUT: "Connie Francis") or

                    (SHOUT: "A wet dream") and then

                    (SHOUT: "The 64-thousand dollar question is...?")
 
 

(Song - "Farley's Song")
 
 

                    (SHOUT: "And now a song about The Time Warp")

Farley: Oh, why aren't they doing tomorrow's new dance steps the way they used to yesterday?

                    (SHOUT: "Cause then they wouldn't be tomorrow's") or

                    (SHOUT: "I still do the rock") or

                    (SHOUT: "Twitch twitch")

          And who draws a perfect circle anymore?

                    (SHOUT: "Like a circle jerk") or

                    (SHOUT: "It's the return of the thin, white Duke") or

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Hey Janet, What does abstanance mean?")

(Janet looks perplexed)

          And if your waiting for greatness to shake hands with you

          You'd better daydream your life away

                    (SHOUT: "Like high school")

          I've only wanted one thing and that's for sure.

                    (ECHO: "...and that's a blow") or

                    (SHOUT: "A blowjob")

(Cosmo, Nation, Ricky, and Ansalong begin dancing around the television)

                    (SHOUT: "It's the solid gold dancers before they became Christians")

Cosmo, Nation, Ricky, and Ansalong: Your not just looking at a fast food king

                    (SHOUT/sing: "Walk like an Egyptian")

(The dancers "walk like Egyptians" - as in the song)

          Just another well known face

          Your not looking at the king of anything

(Nurse Ansalong climbs on top of the TV set)

                    (SHOUT: "Columbia always wanted to be on television") or

                    (SHOUT: "Now there's a set of bunny ears")

Farley: I'm gonna shoot for the moon

          I'm gonna play high noon

                    (SHOUT OVER: "What are you gonna do tonight?")

          I'm gonna take on the entire human race.

                    (SHOUT: "Ooh, me first!") or

                    (SHOUT: "Yes!")

Cosmo, Nation, Ricky, and Ansalong: You're not looking at a king

                    (ECHO: "Queen")

Farley: You're looking at an ace!

(Ansalong wiggles her legs as she sits on the television)

                    (SHOUT: "Hey Farley, there's a beaver above you, what do ya say?")

                    (AP: Make fart noise)

          Ooooh! I've got the sight and I've seen the light

                    (SHOUT: "The Band!")

          And I'm gonna see the coming day

                    (SHOUT: "Squirt!")

          When the sun in the sky is a spotlight just for me.

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Hey, let's mess up the film")

                    (AP: Run to the screen and wiggle your hands like the hands in the movie. The audio will sound like it's messing
                    up)

                    (SHOUT: "It's the Bill Cosby show!")

          I'm gonna take some time and rock some rhyme

                    (ECHO: "Do the rock some time")

          Oh, its gonna take you're breath away

                    (SHOUT/sing: "You take my breath away")

          You'll be the front page rage of the age

          Just wait and see.

                    (SHOUT: "Second verse, same as the first")

Cosmo, Nation, Ricky, and Ansalong: Your not just looking at a fast food king

          Just another well known face

          Your not looking at the king of anything

                    (ECHO: "Queen of burger king")

(Ricky steps into our view, so we can't see the television)

                    (SHOUT: "You make a better door than window")

                    (SHOUT: "Drop Dead Fred!")

(Ricky drops down below camera view, revealing Farley on the television again)

Farley: We're gonna shoot for the moon

          We're gonna play high noon

          We're gonna take on the entire human race.

                    (SHOUT: "Me first!")

                    (SHOUT: "You were first last time!")

Cosmo, Nation, Ricky, and Ansalong: You're not looking at a king

Farley: Oh no no no no - you're looking at an ace!

                    (ECHO: "Ass")

Cosmo, Nation, Ricky, and Ansalong: You're looking at an ace!

                    (ECHO: "Ass")

Farley: You're looking at a goddamn ace!

                    (ECHO: "Ass")

Cosmo, Nation, Ricky, and Ansalong: You're looking at an ace!

                    (ECHO: "Ass")

Farley: You're looking at an ace!

                    (ECHO: "Ass")

Cosmo, Nation, Ricky, and Ansalong: You're looking at an ace!

                    (ECHO: "Ass")

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Impersonate a stutterer")

Farley: You're looking at an a - a - a - a - ace!

                    (SHOUT: "Choooooo! Excuse me")

Nation: I just love home movies. Don't you?

                    (SHOUT: "So did Tommy and Pamela") or

                    (SHOUT: "So did Rob Lowe") or

                    (SHOUT: "Only with Rob Lowe")

Farley: Times tight Janet

                    (SHOUT: "So's Janet") or

                    (ECHO: "Your pussy's tight, Janet")

          Do it right Janet

                    (SHOUT: "Just don't bite, Janet") or

                    (ECHO: "Do me right, Janet")

          Until tomorrow night

                    (SHOUT: "Who's your favorite slut?")

          Janet?

Janet: Well, Farley Flavors is - fairly flattering.

                    (SHOUT OVER: "A fucking faggot")

(Janet chuckles)

                    (SHOUT: "She's a sophmore!") or

                    (SHOUT: "I made a funny")

          But, I wanna see Brad.

                    (SHOUT: "Naked") or

                    (SHOUT: "Nobody ever sees Brad, not no way, not no how")

Nation: But the question is, Janet, does Brad want to see you? Quite frankly he hates you.

Janet: What do you mean?

                    (SHOUT: "You're a bitch")

Cosmo: Brad is harboring deep feelings of hostility towards you, Janet.

                    (SHOUT OVER, OVERLAPPING NEXT LINE: "You have to sleep with <fill in the blank with name of fan or Shock
                    Treatment Charactor>")

Janet: Towards me?

                    (SHOUT: "Yes, you.")

Cosmo: Its classical. Almost a textbook case.

                    (SHOUT: "We wrote the book") or

                    (SHOUT OVER: "You also have to sleep with <fill in the blank with name of fan or Shock Treatment charactor>")

Janet: Oh no! (starts crying and buries face in her hands)

Cosmo: That's an extremely negative response.

                    (SHOUT: "I'd be negative too if I had to sleep with <fill in the name with previous name mentioned>")

Nation: Yes Janet, leave the crying to Brad.

                    (SHOUT/sing: "He's my asshole, and I'll cry if I want to")

Janet: Is it because I'm becoming too popular?

                    (SHOUT: "Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!")

Bert: On the contrar,y Janet. He wants to see your ratings soar!

                    (ECHO: "your pussy sore")

          He needs a woman of exceptional desirability.

                    (SHOUT: "Call 1-900-Nymphos") or

                    (SHOUT: "Text 'nympho' to 66966")

                    (SHOUT: "Like Susan Sarandan")

Nation: So you see Janet, you can help us to help him.

                    (ECHO: "Blow him") and then

                    (SHOUT: "Hey Janet, do you think you can fuck everyone in the audience tonight?")

Janet: Maybe I can.
 
 

(Scene switch to Terminal Ward. Ansalong is just leaving and Ricky is locking Brad's cage. Brad sits in his chair
in a straitjacket rocking his chair.)

                    (SHOUT/sing: "Nobody knows the trouble I've seen..")

(Scene switch to Farley watching his TV.)
 
 

(Scene switch to Betty and Oliver in the research lab throwing away papers.)

                    (Start SHOUTing these lines over the start of this scene: "Here's the scripts they were going to use for the sequel
                    to Rocky Horror. Thank God we used the good one.")

(Betty proceeds to throw the papers away).

Floor Manager: (Over PA system) Standby for Faith Factory rehearsal.

Betty: I bet that Macy Struthers had a hand in this.

                    (SHOUT: "I smell fish")

Oliver: Uh huh.

Betty: We'll probably be replaced by an hour of fashion tips.

                    (SHOUT: "Get a clue Betty")

Oliver: Now Betty don't over react.

Betty: Over react?

                    (ECHO: "Overact?")

          You're the one with theories about conspiracies

                    (SHOUT: "Starring Mel Gibson and Julia Roberts") and/or

                    (SHOUT: "I want to come")

          Oliver?

                    (SHOUT: "My face, bitch") or

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Do you fuck monkeys?")

Oliver: Yes Betty?

Betty: Are you spoken for this evening?

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Do you want a blow job?")

(Oliver's brows raise)
 
 

(Scene switch to Dentonvale conference room. Cosmo and Nation are reading folders.)

                    (SHOUT: "Hey, does anyone know the morse code for S.O.S.? Hey Bert, what's the morse code for S.O.S.?") or

                    (SHOUT: "The Titanic is sinking quick! Bert, what's morse code for S.O.S?")

(Bert taps his cane on the tabletop).

                    (SHOUT: "No wonder it sank")

Bert: All right, you guys. An early start tomorrow for Janet's debut on Good Morning Denton.

                    (SHOUT: "What's a day-boo?")

          By the time we unveil Farley's Faith Factory Show we will have all earned our beauty sleep.

                    (SHOUT: "You'll need it") or

                    (SHOUT: "Sleep in tomorrow")

Janet: Could I just peep in on Brad before I go home?

                    (SHOUT: "Peep peep!") or

                    (SHOUT: "Nobody ever sees Brad, not no way, not no how")

Bert: Home?

                    (SHOUT: "A residential building, but that's not important right now.")

Janet: Home.

                    (SHOUT/sing: "On the range...") or

                    (SHOUT: "ET!")

Nation: This is the nerve center of operations, Janet.

                    (SHOUT: "It's got a phone and everything!")

          You must stay here tonight. That way we can all be together when Mr. Sun paints us a new day with his golden brush.

                    (SHOUT: "I'm gonna puke") or

                    (SHOUT: "Romper Bomper Stomper Boo") then

                    (SHOUT: "Wasn't that a Nazi movie? - Australian") or

                    (SHOUT: "What?")

Cosmo: And you can peep in on Brad in the morning.

                    (SHOUT: "Oh") or

                    (SHOUT: "I'm sad")

Bert: Morning?

                    (SHOUT: "No, I always wear black")

(Ansalong and Ricky enter)

Nation: Are all the beds made up?

                    (SHOUT: "They apoligized.")

Ansalong: Oh yes, I plumped up all the pillows and changed up all th-

                    (SHOUT: "Shut up!")

Cosmo: Then lock up for the night.

Ansalong: Okay!

                    (SHOUT: "You fucked up, bitch, get your tits off my tank!")

(Ansalong and Ricky leave.)
 
 

(Scene shift to outside the studio. The Cop is walking around and securing the perimeter, shining his flashlight on the
ground.)

                    (SHOUT: "Why can't I find a dime when I need one?") or

                    (SHOUT: "He's looking for bugs, man!")

(The camera moves up onto a fire escape where Oliver and Betty are entering)

                    (SHOUT: "Discuss your sex lives") or

                    (SHOUT: "Betty found her G-spot!")

Oliver: Clever of you to find this spot, Betty

Betty: It pays to know your way around Oliver.

                    (SHOUT: "How well do you know your way around Oliver?") or

                    (SHOUT: "And boy, has she been around!")

          I thought the Home Of Happiness would give your theory a new perspective.

                    (SHOUT: "Walter Jacobson")

Oliver: A stately pleasure home indeed.

Betty: Oh! I adore Coleridge Taylor!

                    (SHOUT: "The fifth Beatle") or

                    (SHOUT: "Especially Fire And Rain")

          As a matter of fact

(Betty rummages through her handbag)

                    (SHOUT: "My vibrator's in here somewhere")

(Betty pulls out a book, opens it and removes a sheet of paper)

                    (SHOUT: "Here's my bill of sale")

          It is an ancient mariner

          And hestoppeth one of three

          By thy long grey beard

          And glittering eye

          Now wherefore stopp'st, thou me?

                    (NOTE: Your group should SHOUT a limerick of choice. Your cast/group could make up a limerick about a shock
                    treatment character so it's easier for others to remember or pick a common/popular one if you'd like. Read it over
                    her spout of poetry reading. Here's the one that seems to stick with the Kansas City fan club: "There once was a
                    whore from Peru - who filled her pussy with glue - she said with a grin - If they'll pay to get in - then they'll pay to
                    get out of me too.").

                    (SHOUT: "Hey Olly, she's horny!") or

                    (SHOUT: "Hey Oliver, wanna fuck?")

(Olly moans, looking a little worried)

                    (SHOUT: "Hey Janet, Do you spit or swallow?") or

                    (SHOUT: "Janet, what do you do after a blowjob?")

(Scene changes to show Janet brushing her teeth, with Ansalong in doorway. Janet spits)

                    (SHOUT: "She didn't spit when I was with her.")
 
 

(Song - "Lullaby")
 
 

(The camera moves from Janet's bathroom, to the next room, where we see Ricky laying in bed,reading the script.)

                    (SHOUT: "Okay, it says I'm supposed to lay here.")

(The camera moves on to the next room where Janet enters, and slips off her robe)

                    (SHOUT: "Leave it on! Leave it on!")

(The camera continues to move to the next room, where we see Bert sitting on his bed)

                    (SHOUT: "Go to sleep, Bird Shit!")

(Finally the camera stops at Cosmo & Nation's bedroom.)

Nation: I feel the heat from your skin

          And the stubble on your chin

          You're no good.

                    (ECHO: "You need a shave") and/or

                    (SHOUT: "How is she in bed?")

Cosmo: You're no good.

Nation: You've got dirt

                    (ECHO: "Shit")

          on your hands

                    (SHOUT: "Hey Cosmo, smell her pussy")

(Cosmo places his nose on her lower leg, and then her knee)

                    (SHOUT: "...closer...")

          And everybody

(Cosmo's nose moves to her upper leg)

                    (SHOUT: "That's it...")

          understands

          You're no good

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Now, how does it smell?")

Cosmo: Uuuh, You're no good.

                    (SHOUT: "She's spoiled - she's spoiled rotten!")

                    (SHOUT: "She's past her expiration date")

Nation: Oh what a joke

                    (SHOUT: "What?")

Cosmo: What a joke

                    (SHOUT: "Oh")

Nation: You feel like choking

                    (SHOUT: "Your chicken")

          You play for broke

                    (SHOUT: "What?")

Cosmo: You play for broke

                    (SHOUT: "Oh")

Nation: He'll leave you smoking

                    (SHOUT: "Sssssmokin'.")

Cosmo: Oh, romance is not a children's game.

                    (SHOUT: "Tell that to Woody Allen") or

                    (SHOUT: "Tell that to Jerry Seinfeld") or

                    (SHOUT: "Swallow the leader")

Nation: But you keep going back

          Its driving you insane.

                    (ECHO: "Driving Miss Daisy")

(Camera goes past Bert's window, where he still sits on his bed.)

                    (SHOUT: "Go to sleep Bird Shit!") or

                    (SHOUT: as we see Bert, "Ladies and Gentlemen, our very own, Bert Schnick!" - pause - "Nice job, Bert")

(Camera goes to Janet's window)

                    (SHOUT: "Hey Janet, say something we don't understand")

Janet: Drift into the treacle deep

                    (SHOUT: "What?")

          Slip into its silent depths

                    (SHOUT: "Oh")

(Phantom whisper): Go to sleep

                    (SHOUT: "For one night only, it's The Silhoettes")

(She turns the light out)

Janet: With your every thane akimbo

          Float into the sandman's limbo.

(Camera shifts to Ansalong and Ricky. Ricky is taking pictures of Ansalong in her teddy)

                    (SHOUT: "And this one's for my dad.")

(The polaroid camera flashes as a photo pops out)

                    (SHOUT: "And the next one's for my mom.")

Ansalong: Night night.

Ricky: Night night.

Ansalong: Its time for bye bye

                    (SHOUT: "Gwen Stefani")

          Its been a great day, thanks a heap.

                    (SHOUT: "Thank you, heap")

                    (SHOUT: "And the next one's for my website")

(Ricky takes another photo)

          Now its time for every one

(Ricky raises the blanket, offering his bed to her)

                    (SHOUT: "Now get under there and suck my cock, bitch")

          to go to sleep.

Phantom Voices: Night night

          Its time for bye bye

(The camera moves to Janet's room, where she sleeps)

                    (AP: Make obnoxious snores, the three stooges snore gets a good laugh as well)

          Its been a great day, thanks a heap

                    (SHOUT: "Thank you, heap")

(The camera passes Bert, still sitting on his bed)

                    (SHOUT: "Go to sleep, Bird Shit!") or

                    (SHOUT: "Nice job, Bert!") or

                    (SHOUT: "Once again, Bert Schnick!")

          Now its time

                    (AP: Clap your hands like you're trying to turn off a light with a "Clapper")

(The camera passes to Cosmo & Nation's bedroom, where Cosmo turns out the light, then spreads his arms wide as he approaches her in
bed)

                    (SHOUT: "Attack...of the roll-on deodorant!")

          for every one to go to sleep.

(The camera moves on to show Brad in his wheel chair in the cage, still rocking back and forth.)

                    (SHOUT/sing: "Harr E Kreesh Nah, Harr E Kreesh Nah...") or

                    (SHOUT: "Tell me about the lambs, Maurice")

(The camera moves on to the Audience passed out, asleep in their seats.)

                    (SHOUT: "It's an audience for Shock Treatment") or

                    (SHOUT: "It's an audience for Speed 2")
 
 

(The scene changes to the fire exit balcony that Oliver and Betty are on. Oliver is asleep and snoring and Betty is still reading to him. The
cop is still lurking around securing the area)

Betty: He went like one

          That hath been stunned

          And is of sense forlorn.

          A sadder and a wiser man

          He rose the morrow morn.

                    (SHOUT/NOTE: During this final spout of poetry from Betty, one selected person in the audience should start
                    questioning outloud: "Has anybody seen my bird?" "I can't find my bird" etc... Other fans/audience members can
                    respond like, "No, I haven't" or "What's it look like?" or "Maybe you should ask Betty?" - but in the end,
                    someone should say, "Hey, why don't you ask that cop?" - "Hey Pig, I can't find my bird!")

(The cop brings up the lights, and then turns to Betty and Oliver, holding up a dead bird)

Cop: Does this bird belong to you?

                    (SHOUT: "Overact, Betty!") or

                    (SHOUT: "Alfred Hitchcock's The Us")

(Betty shrieks in terror and throws her book)
 
 

Scene shift to Bert's room. His white Beta alarm clock is beeping)

                    (SHOUT: "Time is beeping...") or

                    (SHOUT: "Looks like an alarm clock to me")

(We can now see Bert, still sitting on his bed)

                    (SHOUT: "Go to sleep, Bird Shit!")

(Bert reaches over and shuts the alarm clock off and grabs his cane. We see a picture of Dr. Freud on the nightstand near the clock)

                    (SHOUT: "Why does a blind man have a picture on his nightstand?") or

                    (SHOUT: "Is that Freud?") then

                    (SHOUT: "What a fraud") or

                    (SHOUT: "Kentucky Freud Chicken - Mother Fuckin' Good")

(Next to the picture is a medicine bottle)

                    (SHOUT: "Bert's on viagra")

                    (SHOUT: "No wonder he's up all night")

(Bert sets out to look for Janet, as he walks down the hall with his blind cane)

                    (SHOUT: "I told you masterbating will make you go blind!")

(First he checks her room)

Bert: Janet?

                    (SHOUT: "Nope, utility closet") or

                    (SHOUT: "Norman?")

(Bert moves to the bathroom)

Bert: Are you decent, Janet?

                    (SHOUT: "Talk about your stupid questions")

(Bert enters and sees Janet in the shower. He takes off his glasses and goes in for a closer look. Janet's silhoette shows her washing her
left armpit)

                    (AP: Make fart noises with her arm motion)

                    (AP: Shoot waterguns)

(Nation bursts in the room as Bert moves closer to Janet's shower)

Nation: Hoopla Bert!

                    (SHOUT: "Fuck you, bitch")

          Nice to see you up an about.

                    (SHOUT: "Or just Up")

          Mac's waiting in the wardrobe, Janet.

                    (SHOUT: "And he's naked!") or

                    (SHOUT: "With the lion and the witch")

(We can see Janet again, still washing her armpit)

Janet: Uh huh.

                    (SHOUT OVER: "How long does it take to wash one fucking arm pit?!") then

                    (SHOUT: "One fucking scene - There are no fucking scenes in this movie!") and/or

                    (SHOUT: "It's a Janet marionette")

(Bert puts his glasses back on)

Nation: (to Bert) Care to join me in a non-sex act?

                    (SHOUT: "Don't do something I would do") or

                    (SHOUT: "What's the fun?")

(Bert nods.)

(Scene shifts to Terminal Ward. Ansalong is leaving. Ricky has just shut Brad's cell door. Brad is gagged and screaming.)

                    (SHOUT: "Get that tampon out of his mouth!") or

                    (SHOUT: "Larry Flynt made a yummy sound")
 
 

(Scene shift to the wardrobe room. Cosmo is walking around, reading a folder.)

                    (SHOUT: "Michael Stipe is MacArthur")

                    (SHOUT: "It's a beautiful morning. Everything is beautiful. The sun is shining...")

(Cosmo passes the American Gothic painting)

                    (continued SHOUT: "...The air is clean, Hey wait! (referring to the painting) Wasn't that in the other movie? Oh
                    well, it's still a beautiful morning and I'm feeling beautiful.")

(Cosmo stops in his tracks)

                    (SHOUT: "Hey Cosmo, Are you feeling beautiful? What time is it?")

(Cosmo looks at his watch)

                    (SHOUT: "It's time to feel beautiful")

(Cosmo places his fingertips on his temple in a comic pose)

                    (SHOUT, as Cosmo: "I'm feeling beautiful")

(Janet steps in and looks around.)

Janet: Good morning. I wanna see Brad.

                    (ECHO: "I wanna be Sedated") (Ramones reference) or

                    (SHOUT: "Nobody ever sees Brad. Not no way, not no how")

(Cosmo steps in front of her showing her a mirror. His head is peering over the mirror top)

                    (SHOUT: "Brad! You're beautiful!") or

                    (SHOUT: "That's not Brad!") or

                    (SHOUT/sing: "I ain't got no body") or

                    (SHOUT/sing in falsetto: "You're Beautiful") James Blunt reference or

                    (SHOUT: "It's true. The longer you are married, the more you look alike")

Cosmo: Look at yourself. You're beautiful. The most desirable creature that ever walked.

                    (SHOUT: "I'd hate to see the ugly one") or

                    (SHOUT/sing: "Here she is, Miss America")

(Cosmo's fingertips massage the edge of the mirror)

                    (SHOUT: "He's fingering Janet") and

                    (SHOUT: "Isn't that glassterbation?")

Janet: Oh, if only Brad could have found it within himself to say

                    (ECHO: "Do")

          those things to me.

                    (SHOUT: "Well, he did write it")

Cosmo: He will. But its up to you to reawaken his feelings.

                    (SHOUT: "With the help of Viagra")

          Farley's given you that chance.

                    (SHOUT: "Not a community chest")

          You can use the breakfast show to knock Denton dead.

                    (SHOUT: "Like this audience")

Janet: Do you really think so?

                    (SHOUT: "It worked for Katie Couric")

Cosmo: Everybody needs you.

                    (SHOUT/sing: "Everybody Wants You!") (Billy Squier)

Janet: Hmm. But what'll I do? What'll I say?

Cosmo: Hmm?

Janet: What'll I wear?

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Who sings Take On Me?")

Cosmo: Aha!

                    (SHOUT/sing: "Take on me")
 
 

(Song - "Little Black Dress")
 
 

                    (SHOUT: "The Versace Song") and/or

                    (SHOUT: "How long have you been gay?")

Cosmo: Ever since I was a little boy

          Dressing up

                    (ECHO: "Jacking off")

          has always been my greatest joy

          But when its time to be discreet

          There's one thing you just can't

                    (ECHO: "...I love to")

          beat

                    (ECHO: "Come on baby, beat my meat")

          And that's a strapless backless classical

          Little black dress

                    (SHOUT: "Good old fashioned nightmare fuel") or

                    (SHOUT: "Take it away O.J.") or

                    (SHOUT: "How do you perform an abortion?")

          Well first you go rip rip rip

          Then you go snip snip snip

          Then you whip in a zip zip zip

                    (ECHO: "Then your pussy goes drip drip drip")

          And split it up to the

                    (ECHO: "Runnin' down on your...")

          hip hip hip

          And as you strip strip strip

          You shiver, quiver for that soft

                    (ECHO: "crotch")

          caress

          As you slip slip slip

          Into that little black dress.

                    (SHOUT: "Cover that shit up, it stinks")

(Cosmo drapes a black sheet of material over Janet's head)

Nation: Ah, hoopla.

(Scene shift to Bert and Nation going into Janet's dressing room.)

                    (SHOUT: "Bert, say something we don't understand")

Bert: Ever since I was the eina kliena heiren

                    (SHOUT: "Hey, I've got a hairy recliner!")

          It was the cordon bleu for which I am most caring

                    (SHOUT: "What?")

          And the one taste treat so sweet

                    (SHOUT OVER next few lines: "Somewhere around here I left a freezer full of Always Save Dog Food…")

                    (SHOUT: "Someone stole my ants from my ant farm…")

          That really can't be beat

                    (SHOUT: "…and put them in a bowl in the fridge")

          Is what we have ya, how you are, caviar

(Bert grabs a bowl of caviar from the fridge)

          that little black mess.

                    (SHOUT: "That's disgusting")

(Cosmo and Janet enter. She's wearing a new black dress)

                    (SHOUT: "So's that")

Cosmo: Hey! Viola!

                    (SHOUT: "That's the dress my aunt was buried in") or

                    (SHOUT: "That's no hat, that's a space station")

                    (NOTE: Next chorus uses same ECHOES as mentioned in first chorus)

                    (SHOUT: "What's it like to fuck a virgin?")

Janet: Well first you go rip rip rip

          Then you go snip snip snip

          Then you whip in a zip zip zip

          Split it up to the hip hip hip

(Janet gets up on the table and starts dancing and breaking things)

                    (SHOUT: "That's White Star Line property. You'll pay for that")

          Then as you strip strip strip

          You quiver, shiver for that soft caress

          As you slip slip slip

          Into that little black dress

          That minimal (minimal)

          criminal (criminal)

          siniful little black dress.

Nation: Lets face it Mac that basic black is coming back

(Janet strikes a pose)

                    (SHOUT: "Vogue")

Bert: Lets face it Mac that basic black is coming back

(Janet strikes a pose)

                    (SHOUT: "Vogue")

Bert & Nation: Lets face it Mac that basic black is coming back

(Janet strikes a pose)

                    (SHOUT: "Vogue")

Janet: That minimal (minimal)

                    (SHOUT: "Welcome to Olan Mills")

          criminal (criminal)

          siniful

                    (SHOUT: "Time for a family portrait")

          Little black dress.

(Group sits on furniture in a pose reminiscent of Rocky Horror's Sweet Transvestite throne scene)
 
 



 


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