(Scene shift to studio floor. Floor Manager is trying to wake up the audience. Oscar Drill and The Bits pass in the background)

                    (SHOUT: "It's Hanson!")

FloorManager: (whistles) Good morning, Denton. Rise and shine.

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Yawn...are we there yet?")

          She'll be here any second now so lets give her a great big hand.

                    (AP: Big cardboard hand past the screen, as in earlier AP scene)

(Audience cheers as Janet, Cosmo, Nation and Bert dance their way down the stairs. A crowd has gathered at the bottom of the stairs to
greet them)

Neely: Oh Janet, I can't tell you how excited I am.

                    (SHOUT: "Nipple check")

          For you.

                    (SHOUT: "Ass-kisser")

          We've got the band and dancers and dry ice standing by. Betty Hapshatt is indisposed

                    (AP: Make flush sound)

          so Macy'll have to do the introductions.

Janet: Oh, I don't need introductions.

                    (SHOUT: "But you do need glasses, eh stupid? Sorry, wrong part") or

                    (SHOUT: "But you do need batteries")

(Camera to Betty and Oliver watching from above. Camera to Macy giving Janet an introduction on the Good Morning Denton set)

Macy: The fabulous.

                    (SHOUT: "Bakerboys") or

                    (SHOUT: "Thunderbirds")

The golden.

                    (SHOUT: "Girls") or

                    (SHOUT: "Brush")

The very wonderful.

                    (SHOUT: "World of Disney") then

                    (SHOUT: "Did you know Macy's pussy smells funny?") or

                    (SHOUT: "The answer is mental instability")

(Scene shift to Betty and Oliver watching from above)

Betty: I knew it!

(Scene shift to cheerleaders in tu-tus)

Cheeleaders: Janet Janet Janet Janet

                    (SHOUT: "Jackson!")

                    (SHOUT: "And now a song about skitzoprenia") or

                    (SHOUT: "Hey Janet, are you skitzoprenic?")
 
 

(Song: "Me Of Me")
 
 

Janet: There's just the two of me

                    (SHOUT: "Sally Field as Sybil")

          Alone at last together

          We've got the luck so far

                    (SHOUT: "What's your favorite Madonna song?")

          We are my lucky star

                    (SHOUT: "Close your legs, we're getting an echo") or

                    (SHOUT: "God") or

                    (SHOUT: during the echo, "Oh, shit. I think I just broke it.")

(The last word echoes. The Cheerleaders start to dance)

                    (SHOUT: "The Fantasia Hippos")

(Janet starts getting into the music)

                    (SHOUT: "It's a Motels song")

(There are 3 white collums on the stage)

                    (SHOUT: "Three white men on Viagra") and/or

                    (SHOUT: "Janet, where'd you park my car?")

          Deep in the heart of me

                    (ECHO: "of Texas") or

                    (SHOUT: "Do you like pussy?")

          I love every part of me

                    (SHOUT: "It's all about you, isn't it?")

          All I can see

                    (ECHO: "fit")

          in me

          Is the danger and ecstasy

                    (SHOUT: "I've never tried danger")

          One thing there couldn't be

                    (ECHO: "One day I couldn't pee")

          Is any more me in me

                    (ECHO: "There was no more pee in me")

(Floor manager steps into view. When he steps aside, Janets seems to have vanished.)

                    (SHOUT: "She's gone, we can all go home")

                    (AP: When Janet pops back into view, everybody scream, or yell "psych!")

Cheerleaders: This is the me of me

          Me me me!

                    (SHOUT: "Doe Doe, Ray Ray")

Janet: Me me

                    (SHOUT: "How does a cat stutter?")

          Me me me

                    (SHOUT: "Janet won't be needing her diaphram anymore")

          Me me me

                    (SHOUT: "Get rid of it") or

                    (SHOUT: "Give me head!")

(Janet throws hat into the audience.)

                    (AP: Make a deep winded twirlin motion sound)

                    (SHOUT: "That's no hat, that's a space station")

          I am my destiny

                    (SHOUT: "How do you say Fuck Me Hard in French?")

          Je croie en toujour en moi. Ha ha ha

                    (SHOUT/sing: "Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, çe soir?" <the french part of LaBelle's song Lady Marmalade>) or

                    (SHOUT: "Debbie Harry") or

                    (SHOUT: "Which means?")

          I'd never lie to me

                    (SHOUT: "That's not what it means")

          I'd be willing to die for moi.

                    (SHOUT/sing: "I'd die for me and that's the truth")

(Janet begins wrecking band setup)

                    (AP: Make slapstick screams when she knocks over setup)

          I'll pray every day to me

                    (SHOUT: "Oh God")

          And here's what I'd say to me

                    (SHOUT: "She's not exactly Pete Townsend")

Cheerleaders: This is the me of me

          Me me me!

                    (SHOUT: "What did Janet name her cat?") or

                    (SHOUT: "Who's your favorite character on the Drew Carey Show?")

Janet: Me me

                    (SHOUT: "He's masturbating!" or "..wanking it" or any masturbation reference of choice)

(Farley gets excited)

                    (SHOUT: "He made a yummy sound")

                    (NOTE: continue masturbation jokes throughout rest of chorus)

                    (AP: Someone should run to the screen and pretend to jack him off)

          Me me me

                    (SHOUT: "It looks like an 80's video")

          Me me me

(Janet grabs guitar)

          Me me me

                    (SHOUT: "Who does she think she is? Joan Jett?")

          Ohh me me

          Me me me

          Ohhhh me me

          Look at me

          Moi Moi

                    (SHOUT: "Godzilla")

                    (SHOUT: "Let's see some really cheap symbolism")

(Two of the three white pillars fall down)

                    (SHOUT: "I guess Viagra doesn't last forever") and/or

                    (SHOUT: "Two out of three ain't bad")
 
 

(Farley gives a thumb up "Ahh" of approval.)

                    (SHOUT: "Fonzie") or

                    (SHOUT: "I'd hate to clean under his desk")

                    (SHOUT: "Hey Betty, one of those penises is still erect")

(Betty rushes down to the set.)

(Scene goes back to Macy concluding the segment.)

                    (SHOUT OVER, as Betty runs down: "What's your favorite conjunction?")

Macy: And

                    (SHOUT: "Mine, too") or

                    (SHOUT: "I like butt")

          you can see and hear

                    (ECHO: "scratch and sniff")

          Janet tonight on Faith Factory,

                    (SHOUT: "Unless you're blind and deaf")

          brought to you by Farley Flavors.

                    (ECHO: "Pillsbury")

                    (SHOUT: "There's a smurf on Janet's face")

(Oscar approaches Janet and pats her face cheek)

                    (SHOUT: "Got it! Smurfs zero, Movie one!")

(Various members of the band and floor cast quickly congratulate Janet and walk off. Bert, Nation and Cosmo approach her)

Bert: Out of self came selflessness

                    (SHOUT: "Out of Janet came a...uh...she just came")

Nation: You revealed yourself

                    (SHOUT: "I feel sick")

          the real you, the secret you.

                    (ECHO: "The Secret Garden")

Cosmo: And you liked what you saw, didn't you, Janet?

Janet: Well I -

Betty: How's Brad?

                    (SHOUT: "In bed?")

Janet: Oh well, if he caught my act he'll be looking good!

(Wardrobe mistress walks by and hands Janet her hat.)

                    (SHOUT: "Here's your diaphram. Don't lose it again")

          It seems I'm his medicine so we're off to give him another spoonful.

                    (SHOUT OVER: "There's a smurf on Betty's back, somebody get it!")

(Janet slaps Betty's backside)

                    (SHOUT: "Smurfs zero, movie two!")

          Check ya later Betty. Gotta freshen up.

                    (SHOUT: "Douche?")

                    (SHOUT: "Laugh like a chicken")

(Cosmo laughs arrogantly, as everyone exits.)
 
 

(Scene switches to Kirk's coffee corner. Harry, Emily and the floor manager are in line)

                    (SHOUT: "It's the first Starbucks")

Kirk: Gee, how 'bout that. Janet was a knockout!

                    (ECHO: "a hooker") or

                    (SHOUT: "So was Mike Tyson") or

                    (SHOUT: "You've got a big ass!")

Emily: Thank you

Kirk: Yeah, she was terrific. Sexy!

Harry: What?

                    (SHOUT: "Fuck up")

Kirk: At the same time, fresh, untouched, you know. Hey, how's Brad?

Harry & Emily: He's fine.

                    (SHOUT: "Jinx")

(They look at each other simultaneously. Harry grabs his coffee and Kirk picks up the sugar for him)

Kirk: Lucky dog, with a pretty girl like that for a wife.

                    (ECHO: "Bitch")

Harry: Yeah, he sure is. No sugar. Thanks Kirk.

                    (ECHO: "Thanks dear")

Kirk: (to Floor Manager) Well, I'll sugar his daughter's.

Betty: Coffee Kirk

                    (SHOUT: "That's Captain Kirk to you, bitch")

          I'm dying for it.

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Okay, time for Hillbilly magic. Guess which cup the balls under")

Kirk: (Putting Betty's cup down on the counter upside down) R.I.P., Betty.

                    (SHOUT: "Really Ignorant Personality")

          Your off the air.

                    (SHOUT: "Like Rosanne") or

                    (SHOUT: "Like a Tim Curry series")

(Betty and Oliver walk over to the research lab)

Betty: What's happening here?

                    (SHOUT: "Where's Brad? Where's anybody?")

          Janet's on the breakfast show. Brad's committed to a nowhere series

                    (SHOUT: "Jenny")

          and we've been...

(Betty is having trouble with her key in the office lock)

Oliver: Written out?

                    (SHOUT: "Damn rewrites!")
 
 

(Dentonvale opening)

                    (SHOUT: "OH SHIT!!! NOT AGAIN!!!")

(During this scene Brad's words, although sometimes understandable, are still muffled, because he is gagged. His words are marked off
by brackets.)

Announcer: Dentonvale

                    (SHOUT: "Starring Brad Majors as Cristopher Reeve")

                    (SHOUT: "…in Nell 2 - The Homecoming")

(Scene shows Harry practicing his putting, while Brad is still bound and gagged in his wheelchair inside the cage.)

          The Mission of Mercy. Starring the increasingly popular Janet Majors.

(Enter Janet)

Janet: Hi Mommy! Hi Daddy! Hi Brad, I've just come to tell you how fabulous I am.

                    (ECHO: "...how slutty I am")

Brad: [Janet!]

Emily: Janet! Where's that lovely dress I made you?

                    (SHOUT: "Goodwill")

Janet: Oh well, Mac just whipped up this little crowd pleaser.

                    (SHOUT: "His latest creation after the Big Mac")

Harry: Why, you're practically naked!

Janet: Well, I can't wear anything under it, Daddy. It would spoil the line.

                    (SHOUT: "My lines are so spoiled, I don't know what to do...") or

                    (SHOUT: "Hey Brad, what do you say while giving a blow job?")

                    (NOTE: The humor in that last joke is Brad's answer is muffled gags)

Brad: (angry) [Spoil the line?! - - -]

Emily: My God, Janet. How can you say such things.

                    (SHOUT: "It's in the script")

          Look at Brad. Look what they've done to him.

(Enter Cosmo, Nation, Bert, Ansalong, and Ricky)

Cosmo: Aah! Janet's parents?

                    (SHOUT: "Did he say parrots?")

Harry: Are you the doctor?

                    (SHOUT: "No, I'm the master")

Cosmo: Yes.

Harry: There's gonna have to be an investigation

                    (SHOUT: "Call Geraldo") or

                    (ECHO: "...to be another letter")

Cosmo: Oh?

                    (SHOUT: "No, Z")

Harry: There are regulations against this sort of thing

Janet: Its for his own good.

Bert: Hoopla Janet!

                    (SHOUT: "Fuck you, Bert!")

Janet: Bert! Sweetheart! Oh, its fabulous to see you!

                    (SHOUT: "Wish he could say the same")

(Dentonvale crew starts clapping in joy. Janet and Bert go to sit down on thecouch. Harry is still confused)

Harry: What's going on here?

Janet: (Sitting down with Bert) ...yes, of course

Bert: I adore that color

                    (SHOUT: "Black is a blind man's favorite color") or

                    (SHOUT: "Of course, that's the only color you see…")

(Brad grumbles. Camera goes to Cosmo leading the Weisses into the cell with him)

Cosmo: The patient was in great danger of doing himself a mischief.

                    (SHOUT: "So give him some raisins")

Nation: We only want what's best for him. As parents you must understand.

                    (SHOUT: "He said parrots again")

Harry: No. No I don't. Brad doesn't need to be trussed up like a turkey.

                    (SHOUT: "He said turkey") or

                    (SHOUT: "No, he's trussed up like a parrot") or

                    (SHOUT: "Gobble gobble")

There are drugs to keep him quiet.

                    (SHOUT: "I'll take five dollars worth") or

                    (SHOUT: "No there's not. I did them all")

Nation: We used them, all of them.

                    (SHOUT: "Next time give Brad some")

Emily: And none of them worked?

Nation: No.

                    (SHOUT: "They were unemployed")

Harry: Then double the strength.

Nation: We did.

Cosmo: We know our job.

Nation: We also know how you feel. We're not strangers to confusion.(Farley laughs)

Emily: We're not confused

                    (ECHO: "Losers").

Harry: Well I am, goddamn it. You trust Brad with this crowd pleaser?

                    (ECHO: "You trust our country to Bush?")
 
 

(Song: "Shock Treatment")
 
 

(Drum track begins, sort of a "tribal" feel)

                    (SHOUT: "Jumanji!") or

                    (SHOUT: "Wipeout!")

                    (NOTE: A few times during the start of this song, we can see Janet moving her arm to the beat of the music.
                    However, it "looks" like she's masterbating Bert. Make jokes as necessary)

                    (SHOUT: "Say something we don't understand")

Cosmo: I'm not a locum with motives to suture myself

                    (SHOUT: "What?")

          I've been a cynic for too many years

                    (SHOUT: "What do you do with your sister?")

          Playing doctor and nursey can't be good for your health

          I've seen clinics, with those gimmicks in Tangiers.

                    (SHOUT: "Thank you, Dr. Benway")

Nation: But if you open your heart

                    (ECHO: "legs") or

                    (ECHO: "crotch")

          to a smooth operator

                    (SHOUT: "Sade") or

                    (SHOUT: "One ringadingy, two ringadingies…") or

                    (SHOUT: "Hold please")

          He'll take you for all that you've got

          He'll hand you a curse

                    (ECHO: "purse")

          that'll be with you later

                    (ECHO: "that'll hold a vibrator") or

                    (SHOUT: "Lon Chaney")

          It'll shake ya the way he takes off

                    (SHOUT: "I'm thirsty")

          Like a shot

                    (SHOUT: "Make it a double") or

                    (SHOUT: "Bang!")

Cosmo: You need a bit of, ooh, Shock Treatment

(Bert's glasses get crushed. We can see his eyes)

                    (SHOUT: "Aaaah!" - "At least he isn't naked") or

                    (SHOUT: "The only place he got sunburnt is underneith his sunglasses")

                    (Another SHOUT you can yell for Bert is "I'm feeling beautiful!") or

                    (SHOUT: "I feel so fancy!")

          Yes you're jumping like a real live wire.

          You need a bit of, ooh, Shock Treatment

          So look out mister, don't you blow your last resistor

                    (ECHO: "Don't you blow your little sister")

          For a vista

                    (ECHO: "fister")

          that'll mystify ya!

                    (ECHO: "satisfy ya")

Ansalong: You're blinded by romance

          You're blinded by science

                    (SHOUT: "She blinded me with science")

                    (SHOUT: "She blinded me with beaver!") or

                    (SHOUT OVER: "I paid $2 to see this film, I wanna see a beaver shot") or

                    (SHOUT: "I'm a little worried about the Beaver")

(Ansalong swings seductively on the cage)

          You're condition is critically grave

                    (SHOUT: "Dead")

          But don't expect mercy

                    (SHOUT: "You're welcome") or

                    (SHOUT: "Mercy, mercy, mercy")

          from such and alliance

          Suspicion of tradition's so new wave

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Hey Brad, Cosmo's gone. You can go home now.")

(Cosmo pops up behind Brad, startling him)

                    (SHOUT: "Psych!")

                    (NOTE: For remaining two choruses, use the same ECHOES as first chorus)

Cosmo: You need a bit of, ooh, Shock Treatment

          Yes you're jumping like a real live wire

          You need a bit of

                    (SHOUT OVER: "It's the Cranberries")

          Ooh, Shock Treatment

          So look out mister, don't you blow your last resistor

          For a vista that'll certify ya! (fy ya, fy ya, fy ya!)

                    (SHOUT: "Don't yell fire in a crowded theater." - "Crowded theater? Where?")

          You need a bit of, ooh, Shock Treatment

          Yes you're jumping like a real live wire

          You need a bit of, ooh, Shock Treatment

          So look out mister, don't you blow your last resistor

          For a vista that'll certify ya! (fy ya, fy ya, fy ya!)

(Everyone gets up and dances around Brad's cage.)

                    (SHOUT: "Hey everybody, try to grab the ass in front of you!")

(Farley is dancing in hisoffice. Betty and Oliver are watching from above)

Betty: Look at that!

                    (SHOUT: "The Macarena!")

          Bert Schniks' dancing!

                    (SHOUT: "You call that dancing?")

          Bert can see!

                    (SHOUT: "It's a miracle! Hallelujah!") or

                    (SHOUT: "Clarence was right!")

Oliver: Macabre isn't it.

                    (SHOUT: "What?")

          The blind leading the blind.

                    (SHOUT: "They're trying to find the corner") or

                    (ECHO: "The bland leading the bland")

(Everyone dances out of the Terminal Ward)
 
 

(Scene switches to the studio floor where Ralph welcomes Janet to the Faith Factory rehearsal. A large picture of
Farley is being carried in)

                    (SHOUT: "Janet likes her men big")

Ralph: Welcome to the Faith Factory rehearsal.

Janet: Thank you.

Ralph: We're all really excited about tonight.

                    (SHOUT: "Nipple check")

Janet: Oh! Do I get one of those? (referring to the giant picture)

                    (SHOUT: "I said a wallet size, not a wall size!")

Ralph: Uh, yes. Yes of course you do.

(Janet is being greeted by loyal fans. Much commotion. Audience is chanting"Janet, Janet, We want Janet".)

                    (SHOUT/chant: "Janet, Janet, we had Janet") or

                    (SHOUT/chant: "Janet, Janet, we hate Janet")

(Farley is watching from his office)

Janet: Hi kids, Hi. Oh, really?

Ralph: Macy, why don't you take Janet and - help her freshen up before the rehearsal?

                    (ECHO: "...and beat the crap out of her") or

                    (SHOUT: "She's, well….not so fresh")

Macy: Sure.

(The crowd that has gathered around her gets upset.)

Crowd: Aw no. . .

(Crowd follows her. In the crowd are band members. Frankie approaches Ralph)

Frankie: Ralph, you promised me an introduction.

Ralph: Later Francine.

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Who's your god?") or

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Who's your favorite Rocky Horror character?")

Frankie: (upset) Frankie!

                    (SHOUT: "Mine, too") or

                    (SHOUT: "Who does she think she is? Sinatra?")

Ralph: Bert, could you spare a moment?

                    (ECHO: "a quarter?")

Bert: Of course.

(Bert, Ralph, and Floor manager step aside. Camera goes to the winding staircase. Audience is still chanting
"Janet Janet we want Janet!". The crowd of band members and camera crew have followed her. Neely stops her
just before she goes upstairs)

Neely: Janet a quick word.

                    (SHOUT: "fast?")

          Could you tell our viewers what exactly you will be representing

                    (ECHO: "eating")

          tonight?

                    (SHOUT: "Leftover meatloaf")

Janet: Uh - Sanity For Today.

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Sex, drugs, rock n roll") or

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Sex, drugs, Albania")

(Crowd claps)

                    (SHOUT: "Belch, I'm full")

Oscar: Wow!

Neely: And that's the word from Janet Majors, DTV's newest star. Okay guys let's move on.

                    (SHOUT OVER: "And now, Amateur poetry night at Leonas")

(Camera goes behind steps to Bert, Ralph, and Floor Manager.)

Ralph: How's Brad?

                    (ECHO: "How's the asshole?")

Bert: He's a wreck.

                    (SHOUT: "So's the Titanic") and/or

                    (SHOUT: "Posideon")

Ralph: Check. The quacks are willing tools?

                    (SHOUT OVER: "How's my asshole?")

Bert: Aaah, The quacks are fools.

                    (SHOUT: "Don't talk about my crack like that!") or

                    (SHOUT: "A couple of dumb ducks")

Ralph: Y'know, I wouldn't mind doing Janet one or two favors

                    (SHOUT: "Nudge nudge, wink wink")

Bert: Its time to check with Flavors.

                    (SHOUT: "31")

(Bert pulls an antenna out of his cane making it a walkie talkie. He blows into it to test it.)

                    (SHOUT: "Beam me up, Scotty")

(Scene shifts to Farley's office - "buzz" - Farley picks up the phone.)

                    (SHOUT: "I'm gonna come!") or

                    (SHOUT: "There's a smurf on that asshole!")

                    (AP: Run to the screen and point your gun finger at Farley)

Farley: Shoot.

                    (SHOUT: "Boom! Got 'em! Movie two, smurfs zero!") or

                    (SHOUT: "Bang!")
 
 

(Scene shifts to Janet's dressing room. Nation and Cosmo are at the bar. Macy is making sure Janet is ready. "Carte Blanche" is played in
the background.)

Macy: Is there anything else you'd like Janet?

Janet: Yeah, a new carpet.

                    (ECHO: "script")

          I hate the color.

                    (ECHO: "Plot")

          Don't you?

                    (SHOUT: "What? You don't like Pepto Bismol?")

(Macy checks her clipboard and leaves. Whenever the door opens the crowd is heard chanting "Janet Janet we want Janet!")

Nation: Its only one night Janet. Don't forget who we're doing this for.

Janet: Who?

                    (SHOUT: "20th Century Fox") or

                    (SHOUT: "Jerry Lewis") or

                    (SHOUT: "Of all the gin joints…")

Cosmo: Brad.

Janet: Y'know I'm getting awfully sick of hearing about that emotional cripple. I've got a lot going for me. I'm going
places.

                    (SHOUT/sing: "I'm movin' on up...to the east side..")

          I'm gonna be someone. I'm gonna win my way into the lives and hearts of the people even if I have to kill to do it.

                    (SHOUT: "It's the return of Joan Crawford")

(Cosmo & Nation exchange worried glances)

                    (SHOUT: "Good god, we've created a monster")

          I'll make the pathetic little crones love me.

                    (SHOUT: "Confused?") or

                    (SHOUT: "Pause...and then")

          I don't even know why I'm wasting my time here with you

                    (SHOUT: "We were saying the same thing")

          I should be with my people.

(In the background the radio commercial plays "Carte Blanche is like an avalanche, it kinda snowballs and sets you free")

                    (SHOUT: "Is that a parrot singing on the radio?")

                    (SHOUT: "Cosmo was right. It must be Janet's parrots")

(Janet gets up and walks out to the balcony near the winding staircase and waves)

                    (SHOUT/sing: "Don't cry for me, Argentina") while others sing:

                    (SHOUT/chant: "Evita, Evita, Evita,…")

(The audience is still chanting. At the bottom of the stairs is the band. The crowd goes wild when Janet comes out)

Band: Hey Janet!

Glitch: Girl, you're great.

                    (ECHO: "Ugly")

Janet: Oh, well thanks.

Frankie: Hi, my name's Frankie.

Band: Francine!

                    (SHOUT: "Frankie Francine?") or

                    (ECHO: "Moesha!")

Frankie: And I think you're beautiful.

                    (SHOUT: "Is she blind too?") or

                    (SHOUT: "In an ugly kinda way")

(Scene shift to dressing room. Nation and Cosmo are putting pills in a drink for Janet.)

                    (SHOUT: " Jelly Bellies, the Gourmet jelly beans!")

(Scene back to the band)

Brenda: Hi. I'm Brenda. This is my brother

                    (ECHO: "and this is my statue")

          Oscar and this is our friend, Glitch Davidson.

                    (SHOUT: "Party of Five") or

                    (SHOUT: "Welcome to 90210")

Glitch: Janet, we really enjoyed being on the breakfast show with you this morning.

                    (SHOUT: "They enjoyed being on you this morning?")

(Janet waves to the audience and they go wild. Glitch's words subsequently are drowned out. Nation approaches Janet with a drink)

Nation: This is Janet. She's a phenomenon.

                    (SHOUT: "Hey Janet, they're lookin' up your dress!") or

                    (ECHO: "She's in Phenonmenon - with John Travolta")

(Janet takes a sip)

Janet: (singing) So if you're looking for a standard to which you can aspire

          Then baby, look at me!

                    (SHOUT: "She's still stuck on herself?") or

                    (ECHO: "I gotta pee!")

          Oh oh oh!Look at me!

                    (ECHO: "I gotta pee!") or

                    (SHOUT: "Hey Janet, want another beer?")

(Janet stumbles)

                    (SHOUT: "Guess not") or

                    (SHOUT: "This is the weirdest production of Evita I have ever seen")

Nation: I think you need a little rest. You've got a big night ahead of you.

                    (ECHO: "...a big dyke in bed with you")

(Nation walks Janet off stage)

Frankie: Your clothes are real neat.

                    (SHOUT: "We can see up your dress - you're not wearing panties!")

(Door closes.)
 
 

(Scene shifts to Macy and Ralph being interviewed at the bottom of the stairs by Neely. The band passes by chanting
"Janet Janet we want Janet" in the background)

Floor Manager: Reminder, wardrobe check for Faith Factory medical outfits.

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Look at Macy's tits!") or

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Hey, Macy. Nice tits!")

Macy: Aren't they great? But getting back to Faith Factory, all in all, it looks like an exciting new series for us.

                    (SHOUT: "Leave It To Macy's Beaver")

Ralph: Yes, and an attractive financial prospect for Denton.

Neely: And fashion wise?

                    (SHOUT: "We're sure you will adapt") or

                    (SHOUT: "Betty's losing her memory")

(Camera switch to Betty on the phone. Oliver is on the phone next to her)

Betty: What did I tell you?

                    (SHOUT: "It's a Barbie world")

Macy: Well, I can just say that Faith Factory will be introducing a new look. It will show off one or two old faces

                    (SHOUT: "George Burns and Frank Sinatra")

          in an exciting new light.

Neely: Really? Sounds interesting.

(SHOUT OVER: "Betty's losing her hearing")

Betty: Did you hear that Oliver?

Oliver: Yes, Betty.

                    (SHOUT: "He's standing right next to you") or

                    (SHOUT: "I've glued the phone to my head")

          The false promise of a new dawn usually leads to a most bloody sunset.

                    (SHOUT: "What?") or

                    (SHOUT: "Thank you for using AT & T") or

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Hey Ralph, do you like girls?")

Ralph: No, I don't know what Janet's next move will be, but you can be sure of one thing,

                    (SHOUT: "Point to your dick")

          it all starts (pointing) right here.

                    (SHOUT: "On my finger") or

                    (SHOUT: "Pull my finger!")

Neely: Thank you. And that's the word from Ralph Hapshatt and Macy Struthers.

                    (SHOUT: "Trumpets") or

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Now you have to sleep with Bert")

(Ralph and Macy drop their smiles)

(Cameras on Betty and Oliver near the directional sign for the wardrobe room. They hang up the phone and approach us…)

                    (SHOUT: "That was a close call…")

                    (NOTE: This short exchange of dialogue can be covered by shouts of scene related shouts. Notice the sign
                    behind Oliver that directs the "dressing room" and "Wardrobe". When it we can only read "War" because Oliver
                    stands in the way, shout, "It's war!" and when we can only read "Dressing" and "War" shout, "It's a dressing
                    war!" and when we can only read "Wa", shout "Waaaaaaa!")

Betty: Oh, Oliver.

                    (SHOUT: "My face")

Oliver: hmm?

Betty: What are we going to do?

                    (SHOUT: "It's alright, Betty, everything's gonna be alright")

Oliver: Care to indulge?

                    (SHOUT: "I've got gummy bears in my pocket - they're still warm") or

                    (SHOUT: "You indulge, you bulge")

Betty: Indulge?

Oliver: Uh huh. In a little, um…

                    (SHOUT: "Porn?") or

                    (SHOUT: "Dick?") or

                    (SHOUT: "Cheap sex?") or

                    (SHOUT: "Tax evasion?")

          masquerade.

                    (ECHO: "Roleplaying?")

Betty: Oh.

Floor Manager: (Over PA system) Final reminder. Wardrobe check for Faith Factory medical outfits. Wardrobe
check for Faith Factory medical outfits.
 
 

(Dentonvale opening)

Announcer: Dentonvale, Parental Predicament.

(Scene shift to Terminal Ward right near Brad. Harry is pacing and holding a pair of sunglasses)

Emily: Harry, what are we gonna do?

Harry: I don't know Emily.

                    (SHOUT: "She's the girl you married")

          I'm worried.

                    (SHOUT: "About the cripple") or

                    (SHOUT: "I bet Hank five bucks that Brad could walk")

          Maybe I can wear those black leather brogues.

                    (SHOUT: "First its the Mexicans, now its the blacks")

Emily: Too flashy. They'll clash with the new outfits.

                    (SHOUT: "That we wore in Studio 54")

(Brad starts moaning)

                    (SHOUT: "I hate hangovers")

Emily: All right, Brad, dear. Have another sedative.

                    (SHOUT: "Or two, or ten") or

                    (SHOUT: "It's River Pheonix")

(She fills his mouth with pills)

                    (SHOUT: "Aahh! I hate red hots!")

          We'll miss you on the show tonight.

                    (SHOUT: "But if you're lucky, we'll hit you with our car")

Harry: And don't worry, Brad.

                    (SHOUT: "The Terminator")

(Puts glasses on)

          I'll be back.

                    (SHOUT: "Just going to the 38th Parallel") or

                    (SHOUT: "Fuck you, asshole")

(Puts corn cob pipe in his mouth. Harry and Emily head for the door)

          What about those Italian loafers I bought in Hawaii?

                    (SHOUT: "Now it's the Italians" - "Now it's the Hawaiians")

(Brad moans and passes out.)
 
 

(Brad begins hallucinating. He sees Janet walk into the Terminal Ward)

Janet: I've just come to tell you how fabulous I am.

                    (ECHO: "...what a slut I am, am, am, am") or

                    (SHOUT: "Flashback from Echo Canyon")

(Scene shifts to the dressing room where Janet is passed out on the couch with the drink in her hand and a slice of orange on her leg.)

                    (SHOUT: "Everybody likes to eat from Janet's crotch") then

                    (SHOUT: "Especially cheese")

(Nation comes by, takes the drink and eats the orangeslice. We now see Janet's hallucinations. Bert's bedroom door opens. He is sitting
on the bed)

                    (SHOUT: "Go to sleep, Bird Shit")

Bert: Face it, Janet. Brad's an emotional cripple.

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Frasier Thomas")

(Bert's door closes. Cosmo and Nation's bedroom door opens. His arm is around her, his hand at her neckline)

                    (SHOUT: "Which one's the dummy and which one's the vantriloquist?") then

                    (SHOUT: "That's a trick question") or

                    (SHOUT: "Tell us a funny joke")

Cosmo: Quite frankly…

Nation: …He hates you

(Nation and Cosmo begin laughing hysterically. Their door closes.)

                    (SHOUT: "I don't get it…")

(The camera begins to move closer on a still of Farley smiling on TV.)

                    (SHOUT: "Put that microwave on defrost, he's still frozen") or

                    (SHOUT: "Look, Farley's the vantriloquist. Look how well he talks without moving his lips.")

Farley: Times tight Janet

                    (SHOUT: "So's Janet")

          Do it right Janet

                    (SHOUT: "Doggie style")

          Until tonight

                    (SHOUT: "Who's a slut?")

          Janet?

                    (SHOUT: "Did anyone ever find Magenta's eyes?")

(Janet imagines herself in Brads wheelchair in the Terminal Ward. She opens her eyes)

(Brad walks in the door with drool all over his chin.)

                    (SHOUT: "Dr. Strange")

Brad: I've just come to tell you how fabulous I am.

                    (ECHO: "How sweaty I am, am, am, am") or

                    (ECHO: "What an asshole I am, am, am, am")
 
 

(Song: "Looking For Trade")
 
 

                    (NOTE: The bass line of this song is done twice before she sings. After the first bass line measure, SHOUT/sing:
                   "I can bring home the bacon..." - After the second bass line measure, ECHO/sing: "Just take those old records off
                    the shelf...")
 
 

                    (SHOUT: "What's your favorite Polanski film?")

Janet: I'm on a cull de sac

                    (SHOUT: "Don't talk about my sack that way")

          And I gotta go back

                    (SHOUT: "This song was filmed in a pizza oven") in reference to the red halls

          So come on feet

                    (SHOUT: "Don't come on her feet")

          We're gonna hit the streets

                    (SHOUT: "Like a hooker")

          We've got it made

          I'm looking for trade

                    (ECHO: "I wanna get laid")

Brad: I'm looking for love

                    (ECHO: "I want a big stud")

                    (SHOUT: "Why is Brad in a pizza oven?")

Janet: I'm looking for trade.

                    (ECHO: "I wanna get laid") or

                    (SHOUT OVER/sing: "In all the wrong places")

          I need some young blood

                    (ECHO: "I need a young stud")

          I need some young blood

                    (ECHO: "I need a hung stud")

          I need it now.

                    (ECHO: "I need a cow")

          I need some young blood

          I need some young blood

                    (NOTE: same echos here as before)

Band & Janet: And were gonna get it somehow.

(Scene switches to billiard room where cast members surround a pool table. A man breaks the pool balls on the
table)

Janet: I'm on a dead end street

                    (SHOUT: "Kid's got a sledgehammer break" - "Quit talkin', start chalkin'") or

                    (SHOUT: "How's your sex life?")

          I'm like a dog in heat

                    (SHOUT: "Bitch")

          I'm like a kid with no toys

(Scene shows a woman sitting at the corner pocket of the table)

                    (SHOUT: "Eight ball corner pocket") or

                    (SHOUT: "Eat ball, center pocket")

          I wanna get those boys

(A man shoots the cue ball into the pocket, where the girl sits. Another man's hand touches her thigh)

                    (SHOUT: "That's not an 8-ball" - "That's not a corner pocket, either")

          Ooh I can't delay

          I'm looking for trade.

                    (ECHO: "I wanna get laid")

Brad: I'm looking for love

                    (ECHO: "I want a big stud")

Janet: I'm looking for trade.

                    (ECHO: "I wanna get laid")

(The scene switches again to show an arcade, with cast members playing arcade games)

                    (SHOUT: "Welcome back to the eighties")

          Oh were all living like there's no tomorrow

                    (SHOUT: "Are you a slut?")

          and the way things are going that's probably true

                    (SHOUT OVER: "And now another Rocky Horror reference")

(Scene shows closeup briefly on arcade game, Space Invaders II)

                    (SHOUT: "Space Invaders 2…get it?")

          But without you and me sis

          The world would fall to pieces

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Say something we don't understand")

          Vena Cava who's the rave?

                    (SHOUT: "What?")

Band: Our raving savior that's you

                    (SHOUT: "Oh") or

                    (SHOUT: "Gezundheit")

(Scene switches back to the red halls)

                    (SHOUT: "Red halls, red halls" - "Same hall, different color")

Janet: I'm on a primrose path

                    (SHOUT: "Why do you own a mirror?")

          I'm looking for a li'l laugh

          Remember its no fun

                    (SHOUT: "Sex with <fill in the blank with fan name>?") or

                    (SHOUT: "Pick a melody, please") in reference to her off-key note

          To be the chosen one

                    (AP: Raise hands in air and do the Arnold Horshack "ooh ooh ooh ooh" from Welcome Back Kotter")

          There are games to be played

                    (SHOUT: "S & M, D & D") or

                    (SHOUT: "Stratego")

          Looking for trade

                    (ECHO: "I wanna get laid")

                    (NOTE: during next chorus, repeat previous chorus echoes)

Brad: I'm looking for love

Janet: I'm looking for trade.

                    (SHOUT/sing: "Love is a battlefield")

(Scene changes to show side of building, where Janet walks the sidewalk, amongst cast members.)

          I need some young blood

          I need some young blood

(Janet walks full circle around a man in a white gangster outfit)

                    (SHOUT/sing: "What's love got to do, got to do with it") and/or

                    (SHOUT/sing: "Smooth Criminal")

          I need it now

          Oh, I need some young blood

          I need some young blood

          And I'm gonna get it somehow

          I'm looking for trade.

                    (SHOUT: "Even Brad fell asleep at this point")
 
 

(Crowd is heard chanting in the background, "Janet Janet, we want Janet")

                    (ECHO chant: "Janet, Janet, wake up, Janet")

(Nation is waking up Janet)

Nation: Janet? Janet? Wake up Janet.

                    (SHOUT: "She's slow, but she's got the idea")

          You've got guests.

                    (ECHO: "crabs") or

                    (SHOUT or ECHO: "You've got mail!")

          You can come in now!

                    (SHOUT: "and out, and in, and out, and in")

(The band enters)

Brenda: Hi, Janet!

Frankie: How are you feeling?

                    (SHOUT OVER: "What's your favorite Who song?")

Janet: Who are you?

                    (SHOUT/sing: "ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh")

Oscar: The band!

Janet: Do you have any friends?

Oscar: Sure.

                    (SHOUT: "Joey, Rachel, Chandler, …")

Janet: You won't have soon.

                    (ECHO: "...after this film")

          What are you called - your band?

Glitch: Oscar Drill and the Bits.

                    (ECHO: "Robin Hood and His Merry Men") or

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Hanson")

(Janet passes out with an "Ungh".)

                    (SHOUT OVER: "And now, Kate Winslet from Titanic")

(Janet lowers her hat over her face, similar to a scene in Titanic)
 
 

(Scene switches to wardrobe room. Wardrobe mistress is leaving. When she leaves, Betty and Oliver come out of
hiding, and begin dressing as a Nurse and Doctor.)

                    (SHOUT: "Let's play dress-up")

Oliver: Betty, its imperative we get Janet out of Farley's fast fingers and Brad out of that hell hole before they both
disappear forever.

                    (SHOUT: "But Janet loves fast fingers")

                    (SHOUT: "And Brad loves hell holes")

(Oliver finishes his new attire with a headband that sports a circular mirror in front)

                    (SHOUT OVER: "I can't find the CD that I glued to my head band….hmmm…")

Betty: I don't mind telling you, Oliver, I'm not looking forward to this.

                    (SHOUT: "A pap smear?")

Oliver: If only I could place that name. McKinley.

                    (SHOUT: "My high school gym teacher!")

Betty: It was a president.

Oliver: Presidents. Past presidents.

                    (SHOUT OVER: "One plus one IS three!")

          Betty, this is beginning to add up.

Betty: Really?

(Betty is having difficulty pinning her name tag on her nurse uniform)

          What do I pin this on?

                    (SHOUT: "Richard Jewel")

Oliver: Faith Betty.

                    (ECHO: "Your tit, Betty")

          But make sure its your own.

                    (SHOUT: "Thanks little Buddha")
 
 

(Scene shift to Farley's office. Wardrobe mistress is putting on the finishing touches. Cop has just entered)

                    (SHOUT: "Farley's gotta pee!") or

                    (SHOUT: "What do you say to a premature ejaculator?")

Wardrobe Mistress: In a hurry, Mr. Flavors?

Cop: There's a little lady

                    (SHOUT: "Dr. Ruth") or

                    (SHOUT: "Estelle Getty")

          he doesn't want to keep waiting. And a date.

                    (SHOUT OVER: "And now for a stupid question")

Wardrobe Mistress: Who is Mr. Flavors?

                    (SHOUT: "He's standing in front of you, bitch")

Farley: The past.

                    (SHOUT: "Oh, Zsa Zsa")

(Cop lights Farley's cigar)

                    (SHOUT: "Boom!")
 
 
 
 

(Song: "Look What I Did To My Id")
 
 

(This song takes place in the wardrobe room)

                    (SHOUT: "What's your favorite Madonna song?")

Emily: Like a virgin, with an urgin, in a surgery

          I'll be swinging, I'll be bringing out the nurse in me

                    (Beavis & Butthead SHOUT: "Heh heh, she's got a nurse in her")

Harry: The art will start when I'm playin' my part

                    (ECHO: "...cuttin' a fart")

          As a healer who will steal your heart

(They rub noses)

                    (SHOUT: "Eskimos!")

Harry & Emily: Oh look what I did to my ID.

                    (ECHO: "Oh look what he did to her tit")

          Oh look what I did to my ID.

                    (ECHO same line)

Cosmo: With neurosis in perfusion

                    (SHOUT: "I'm ready for my gynocologist appointment")

(Nation and Cosmo both put on rubber gloves)

Nation: And psychosis in your soul

                    (SHOUT: "I'm ready for my proctologist appointment")

Cosmo: Eliminate confusion

                    (SHOUT: "Too late")

Cosmo & Nation: And hide inside a brand new role!

                    (ECHO: "...toilet bowl")

Macy: Like a good time girl, I'm gonna try some new tricks

                    (ECHO: "Like a prostitute, I'm gonna find some new tricks")

Ralph: This could be the start of a whole new career

                    (SHOUT: "In electronics at ITT Tech") or

                    (SHOUT: "Not after this movie")

Macy: Got a deep plumb lipstick and some therapeutics

Ralph: This could take us to a town that's nowhere near here.

                    (SHOUT: "Watch those fingers") or

                    (SHOUT: "Denver") (or pick another city)

(Ralphs hands roam her thigh)

(Scene shows Ansalong ripping her short shorter)

                    (SHOUT OVER next lines: "I got more hurt than you got skirt!")

Ansalong: Got some heart felt symptoms and I'm feeling sneaky

Ricky: Young male intern tall and handsome

Ansalong: Got my hems so high they'll think I'm being cheeky.

(Closeup on Ricky's face)

                    (SHOUT OVER next line: "Isn't that Ewan McGregor?")

                    (SHOUT in response: "Looks like a young Obi Wan Kenobie to me")

Ricky: Legs like mine were really made for dancing

                    (ECHO: "made for shaving") then

                    (SHOUT: "What does Santa say after an orgasm?")

All: Woh oh oh!

                    (SHOUT: "What does Fat Albert say after an orgasm?")

Hey hey hey!

                    (SHOUT: "We're The Monkees")

(They dance, facing mirrors)

                    (SHOUT/sing: "They're just dancing with themselves")

Cosmo & Nation: When heavens in the music

                    (SHOUT: "This is the weirdest broadway musical I've ever seen")

          Hell is in control. The angel's got the voices

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Can you explain heavy metal?")

          but the Devil's got rock and roll!

All: We may look we're phony medics

          but we took our look from a book by Frederick's

          Oh look what I did to my ID

                    (SHOUT: "Here's lookin' at you, id")

          Look what I did to my ID.

                    (SHOUT: "Thanks for the audition, next!")
 
 

(Scene switch to Janet's dressing room)

Janet: Oh Brad.

Nation: He's an emotional cripple, remember? Even he wouldn't like to see you like this.

                    (SHOUT: "He'd rather see you naked")

(The door opens up, we see many reporters with microphones. Ralph is trying to get into the door and keep them out)

                    (SHOUT: "I'm innocent, dammit! Innocent!")

Neely: Listen, Ralph, I just want to speak with someone. If I don't get in now, right now, there's going to be trouble!

                    (SHOUT: "with the pop-o-matic bubble")

Ralph: Later Neely, okay?

Neely: Ralph!

(Ralph slams door)

                    (SHOUT: "And now, the Frank Gifford story")

Ralph: How is she. Well, come on. Farley's expecting her any minute. You guys get your asses in front of those
cameras

                    (Beavis & Butthead SHOUT: "heh, heh, he said asses. No wonder its rated PG") or

                    (SHOUT: "Moon river")

          and try and earn yourselves a reputation, okay? Well move!

(Ralph opens the door to leave. The reporters are still there, hounding him)

Neely: We just wanna ask a few questions. We've gotta know what happened!

                    (SHOUT: "To Fay Wray") or

                    (SHOUT: "To Saturday night") or

                    (SHOUT: "To the concept of a good sequel")

Oscar: These are for you, Janet.

                    (SHOUT: "Breath mints. You need 'em!")

Glitch: They'll make you feel a whole lot better.

                    (SHOUT: "Fear & Loathing in Denton")

Oscar: Yeah!

(They leave. Nation stares at the drugs Oscar left behind)

                    (SHOUT: "What's your favorite kind of porn?")

Nation: Amateurs.
 
 

Cheerleaders: Give us a J!

                    (ECHO: "...an R")

Audience: J!

Cheerleaders: A!

                    (ECHO: "...an O")

Audience: A!

Cheerleaders: N!

                    (ECHO: "...a C")

Audience: N!

Cheerleaders: E!

                    (ECHO: "...a K")

Audience: E!

Cheerleaders: Give us a T!

                    (ECHO: "...a Y")

Audience: T!

Cheerleaders: We can't hear you!

                    (SHOUT: "Neither can they!") or

                    (SHOUT OVER: "What's that spell?")

Audience: Awww!!!

                    (SHOUT: "That's not what it spells!")
 
 

(Betty opens up the research room door)

                    (SHOUT: "Angie Dickenson is Police Woman")

(She goes to a computer, researching the name McKinley)

                    (NOTE: As this scene starts, sing the theme to Mission Impossible)

(The computer beeps as it comes up with information.)

                    (SHOUT: "What are you doing, Dave?") or

                    (SHOUT: "Let's play Global Thermonuclear War") or

                    (SHOUT: "So how do I access this cybersex thing I've been hearing so much about?") or

                    (SHOUT: "Let's see what Tom has to Say on MySpace")

Betty: Oh my God!

                    (SHOUT: "George Burns!") or

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Tim Curry and Bill Paxton")

          Character actors?

                    (SHOUT: "Dabney Coleman")
 
 

(Scene switches to the set of Faith Factory. We can see a man polishing a red throne)

                    (SHOUT: "Isn't that Frank's throne?")

(Oliver, in doctor outfit, taps the man on his shoulder and points to the large photo on the wall)

                    (SHOUT: "Look, there's a booger on his nose!")

(The man inspects the large photo)

                    (SHOUT: "That's not a booger, that's smurf cum! Smurf's one, Movie two")

(Audience cheers. Scene switch back to Betty who is now snooping around for information about Farley Flavors on microfilm. We see
the numbers 4711)

                    (AP: Make references to 4711)

(Scene switch back to Neely.)

Neely: And so if you're a follower of exotic trends in fashion, you'll find plenty to keep you going here tonight.

                    (SHOUT: "Thank God, something to keep us in the theater")

          And naturally feeling the excitement, and not wanting to stick out like a sore thumb, I had to get a little outfit of my own together.
          And this is it.

                    (SHOUT: "The Swiss Miss Girl")

(Crowd claps. Betty is now looking at microfilm of a newspaper. We eventually see a message in the bottom corner about aliens in
Denton)

                    (AP: Make verbal references to Rocky Horror)

(The newspaper will also show a big headline: IKES! TWINS!)

                    (SHOUT: "Ikes!!")

Ralph: Ladies and gentlemen, to help get you in the mood for Faith Factory, DTV proudly presents Denton's own

                    (SHOUT: "Fuck up, try again")

          with a suburban garage sound,

                    (SHOUT: "Hole in a blender")

          let's hear it for Oscar Drill and The Bits!

                    (SHOUT: "Oh I get it")

Betty: (Understanding that Farley is Brad's vengeful twin brother) Oh, Oliver. This is one time charity didn't begin
at home.
 
 

(Song: "Breaking Out")
 
 

(The band starts up the music. They are dressed in eye-squinting white)

                    (SHOUT: "Oh no, it's the hospital band")

                    (SHOUT: "Not another '80's video")

                    (SHOUT: "Ladies and Gentlemen, Green Day")

Oscar: I know how it feels to be cooling my heels

                    (ECHO: "high heels")

          I've been down on them long enough

                    (SHOUT: "Welcome to the hippy era!")

(Scene shows a hippy woman dancing in audience)

          But if I stay to them now

(Scene switches momentarily to Oliver & Betty trying to unlock the cage, but the keys don't seem to work)

          Then maybe somehow

          You'll see through the bluff

                    (ECHO: "...through that shit")

          I'm not playing it tough

                    (ECHO: "I don't play with my tit")

          I've been a lifetime on deposit

          And that's a long time in the closet

                    (SHOUT: "Michael Jackson")

          And if you say to me "How was it?"

          It was hard taking that heart breaking god forsaken route

                    (SHOUT: "66") or

                    (ECHO: "It was a small eery, dark dreary, claustriphobic room")

(Oliver and Betty free Brad from the terminal ward with Betty's hairpin)

                    (SHOUT: "Betty and her miracle hair pin")

          But I'm - Buh da, buh buh, buh da

                    (SHOUT OVER: "What's your face doing?")

          Breaking out!

                    (SHOUT: "I thought this was green day")

(The cheerleaders look bored)

                    (SHOUT: "You bored, too?")

          You may say that you choose

                    (SHOUT: "Hippy era, part 2")

(Scene again shows hippy audience woman)

          To be in my shoes

                    (ECHO: "Drinking my booze")

          Well look what it did for me

                    (SHOUT: "Drag Queen fashion sense")

          I got buried alive

          I don't thrive on that jive

                    (ECHO: "With my Colt 45")

          Look and you'll see that the spikes don't fit me

                    (ECHO: "That I've got no pee-pee")

          I've been a lifetime on deposit

          And that's a long time in the closet

                    (SHOUT: "RuPaul")

          And if you say to me "How was it?"

                    (SHOUT: "I hated that movie")

          It was hard taking that heart breaking god forsaken

                    (SHOUT: "paper")

          route, but I'm - Buh da, buh buh, buh da

                    (SHOUT OVER: "What's your face doing")

          Breaking out!

Brad: Where are we going?

                    (SHOUT: "To hell!")

Betty: To a family reunion

                    (SHOUT: "Yea! We finally get our picnic!")

                    (SHOUT: "I brought the aunts - I brought the uncles")

Oscar: Breaking out!

Audience: Breaking out!

Oscar: Breaking out!

Audience: Breaking out!

                    (SHOUT: "Next time try Clearasil")

Oscar: Ungh!

(Audience cheers. Oscar holds his fists up in victory)

                    (SHOUT: "I'm the king of the world!") Titanic movie reference or

                    (Beavis SHOUT as Cornholio: "Are you threatening me?!?!)
 
 

(Scene switch to Farley Flavor's office. It is a conference between Cosmo, Nation, Bert, Ralph, Macy, and Farley. Neely is there with her
crew. Scene opens with everyone laughing and happy. Cigar and cigarette smoke filter the room)

                    (SHOUT: "Fries are up...Fries are done...will somebody get the fucking fries!" - repeat - "Hello! Can't you see the
                    smoke?! The fries are fuckin' burning!")

Farley: She represents everything our customers want: Innocence,decency, and the allusion of a happy ending.

(Crowd applauds)

                    (SHOUT: "Welcome to Philosphy 101")

          And, behind her image, take away therapy will thrive under the capable hands of two great ethical intellects, operating on the
          frontiers of medical science. Huh? Huh?

(Crowd complimentsCosmo and Nation on their great work)

                    (SHOUT: "Blah blah blah blah")

          Under the firm guidance of a great survivor in the treacherous sea of diplomacy,

                    (SHOUT: "Yadda yadda yadda")

                    (SHOUT: "Henry Kissinger")

          our own Bert Schnick.

(Group goes crazy over Farley's idea)

          Now, lets get this show on the road!

                    (SHOUT: "We're going to Disney World!")

(Group goes wild, scuttling off and can still be heard in the background)

Neely: Mr. Flavors. May I have a moment of your time?

                    (SHOUT OVER: "How easy is your mother")

Farley: Sure thing.

Neely: We've heard rumors that you're going to unveil more than just

                    (SHOUT: "your dick size")

          a new series tonight. Is this true?

                    (SHOUT/sing: "I know this...much is...true")

Farley: Absolutely correct.

Neely: Could you tell us a little more about it?

                    (SHOUT: "It's a really scary book, and a really shitty movie")

Farley: Well lets just say, we're planning on putting sanity back on the national menu.

                    (SHOUT: "Will there be an extra value meal?") or

                    (SHOUT: "Al a carte")

Neely: And how does local girl

                    (ECHO: "slut")

          Janet Majors fit into the scheme of things

                    (ECHO: "into that girdle of yours")

(Janet enters the room)

                    (SHOUT: "How do your pants fit in the crotch ")

Farley: Very nicely.

                    (SHOUT: "What's another word for asshole? Sphinctor? Uh, Rectum, uh, poop chute, uh....")

Janet: Brad?

                    (SHOUT: "That'll work")
 
 

(Scene change to show Betty and Oliver explaining to Brad what's happening)

Betty: And he's resented you all these years.

                    (SHOUT: "Marcia Marcia Marcia")

Brad: And Janet?

                    (SHOUT: "No, he's never resented her")

Oliver: She represents everything he's been denied.

                    (SHOUT: "Hetero sex")
 
 

(Scene switch back to Faith Factory)

Announcer: By satellite, Farley Flavor's Faith Factory

Ralph: Ladies and Gentlemen

                    (SHOUT: "Yes?")

          Denton's own

                    (SHOUT: "What?")

          America's pride

                    (SHOUT: "Show your pride, girl!")

          the world's example, Janet, the sensation of the planet.

                    (SHOUT: "Schmanet, Janet")

          We bring you Miss Mental Health!

                    (SHOUT: "Wait until the nude photos come out") or

                    (SHOUT: "Tonight on the 69 & 1/2 cent bimbo")

(Enter Janet, walking down the aisle to the throne. Audience is clapping)

Nation: Isn't she lovely?

                    (SHOUT/sing: "Isn't she wonderful") or

                    (SHOUT: "We'll crush Poland")

Emily: I love you baby!

                    (SHOUT/sing: "And if it's quite alright, I need you baby")

Nation: She walks in beauty.

                    (SHOUT: "As long as it's dark out")

Harry: That's my little girl! That a girl, Janet!

(Guitar music starts)

                    (SHOUT: "It's Jimi Hendrix on guitar") or

                    (SHOUT: "Neil Young on guitar") or

                    (SHOUT: "A four-year old on guitar")

Emily: We love you baby!

Nation: We all love Janet. Who do we love?

                    (SHOUT/sing: "I love you, you love me")

Audience: Janet!

(Audience goes wild. Cop raises arm and yells "Janet!" Janet sits in her throne)

                    (SHOUT: "It's Nation's audition for a role in The Truman Show")

Nation: The dress Janet is wearing has been given by Creme de la Crème Modes of downtown Denton and we've
been asked that you take note of the individual styling and exquisite tailoring. This is just one of the many gifts
that's

                    (SHOUT: "I.P.")

          so freely and generously given to Janet, the first of, we hope, many Miss Mental Health's!

                    (SHOUT: "She was up against <fill in the blank with fan name>")

(Audience goes wild again)

Ralph: Ladies and Gentlemen, the President.

                    (SHOUT: "Hail the chief") or

                    (SHOUT: "Everybody! Sew your mouth shut!")

(Drum roll.)

                    (SHOUT: "Stand up if you've had sex with Janet")

(Sanity For Today medical outfit wearers stand at attention. Audience quiets. Neely directs her crew to focus in on the door. Irwin walks
onto the set)

                    (SHOUT: "It's Steve Buschemi")

(He walks up to the podium)

                    (SHOUT: "Hillary, where's my sax")

Irwin: Hi! I'm Irwin Lapsey, President of Lapsey Autos

                    (SHOUT: "Stand up if you want to have sex with <fill in the blank with fan's name>")

(Sanity For Today medical outfit wearers sit down quickly.)

                    (SHOUT: "Not only am I the president, I'm also a client!")

(Irwin looks at them and wonders then turns back to the audience)

          I'm holding in my hand here some keys

                    (SHOUT: "To a chastity belt...It's an Everlast")

(He jiggles keys in his left hand)

          Keys which I would like to give to the little lady who is being so honored here tonight.

                    (SHOUT: "Dr. Ruth") or

                    (SHOUT: "Estelle Getty")

          And I wanna tell ya, if she takes these keys

                    (SHOUT: "I'll call her a klepto!")

          she will find that they fit something.

                    (ECHO: "Absolutely nothing") or

                    (SHOUT: "A kick start vibrator")

          And what that something is, is an almost brand new ultra deluxe eight cylinder convertible complete with radio, tape deck, plush
          fur seat covers and many, many extras. And its all hers for absolutely free.

                    (SHOUT: "Plus a blowjob.")

(Audience cheers as Irwin walks over to Janet to give her the keys. Cosmo stops him, takes the keys, and escorts Irwin offstage)

                    (SHOUT: "Quick, someone, pull that string")

                    (AP: run to side of stage and act like you're pulling a rope)

(The curtain shuts in Lapsey's face)

Ralph: Well, Janet. Janet is absolutely speechless, ladies and gentlemen.

                    (SHOUT: "She's asleep" - "Like us") or

                    (SHOUT: "That movie was boring" - "So's this one!")

(Audience moans)

          But here's someone we do want to hear from.

                    (SHOUT: "Marcel Marceau") or

                    (SHOUT: "Publishers Clearing House")

          A firm favorite of yours and mine.

                    (SHOUT: "My hand?")

          You've reveled in his recipes.

(Brad gets dropped by Oliver and Betty)

                    (SHOUT: "It's the three stooges")

          You marveled in his marriage guidance.

                    (SHOUT: "And his divorce court")

          The all knowing, and now all seeing,

                    (SHOUT: "Oz!") or

                    (SHOUT: "God!") then

                    (SHOUT: "That's wrong") or

                    (SHOUT: "Karnac" - "Madame Fortuna See All")

(Audience is astonished)

          that's right, Bert Schniks

(Bert comes walking to the podiu showing his now uncovered eyes.)

(Scene flashes to Oliver and Betty dragging Brad while trying to find a way out of the Dentonvale set.)

                    (SHOUT: "A drunk asshole!")

(Scene goes back to Faith Factory. Audience member says "Bert, you're beautiful!")

                    (SHOUT: "You're drunk" - "No, you're drunk if you think he's beautiful!")

Bert: Hoopla Denton!

Audience: Hoopla Bert!

                    (SHOUT: "Fuck You, Bert!")

Bert: Thank you, welcome.

Ralph: What's cooking, Bert?

                    (SHOUT: "Ernie")

Bert: I'll tell you what's cooking, buddy, and I'll tell you, too, you guys. She made the blind see and it was a gift.

                    (SHOUT: "Crabs")

          Who was the gift from? Lets hear an F for...

                    (SHOUT: "Fornication")

Audience: Farley!

Bert: And another F for...

                    (SHOUT: "Fellatio")

Audience: Flavors!

(Enter Farley. Audience goes wild.)

                    (SHOUT: "It's Tim Robbin's in the movie Bob Roberts")

                    (SHOUT: "Hey-- Oooo")

                    (SHOUT: "Who did you sleep with last night?")

Farley: My friends!

                    (SHOUT: "Oh shit, that's us!") or

                    (SHOUT: "Romans, countrymen, lend me your anus")

          And you are

                    (SHOUT: "gay")

          all my friends.

                    (SHOUT: "Then give us money")

(Farley laughs)

                    (SHOUT: "Rosebud is his sled")

          My friends, tonight we are taking the first step of defiance,

                    (SHOUT: "Fuck you!")

          and starting something that will grow so big

                    (SHOUT: "unlike your fucking dick")

          that the whole world will reverberate with its sound.

                    (AP: Make fart sound)

          And wherever our slogan "Sanity and vanity" is uttered,

                    (SHOUT: "Moo") or

                    (SHOUT: "Does Farley know sign language?")

          it will be linked

(Farley makes wild hand gestures, exagerated)

          incontrovertibly to this night, this station, and this beautiful face.

                    (SHOUT: "a face worse than death, with a face like that who needs enemas") or

                    (SHOUT: "I'd hate to see the ugly one") or

                    (SHOUT: "Look, it's a marrionette of Janet!")

(We can see a lifeless expression as Janet begins to stand. Audience cheers.)

(Brad hears this through the wall)

                    (SHOUT: "It's big Jim Slade!") or

                    (SHOUT: "Hey, Kool Aid")

(Brad comes crashing through the giant picture of Janet's head.)

(Audience is startled and utter phrases such as "Its a crazy guy")

                    (SHOUT: "I am Sean Archer") or

                    (SHOUT: "Welcome to poetry 101")

Brad: Seducer!

                    (SHOUT: "I hardly know her!")

Farley: And who are you sir?

Brad: Your twin brother and your accuser!

                    (ECHO: "...and you're an asshole")

Janet: Brad!

Cosmo: Arrest that man he's committed to our care.

                    (ECHO: "Arrest that man, he stole my hair")

Janet: I never signed your contract.

                    (SHOUT like a smartass: "Ha ha ha")

          He's not going anywhere.

                    (ECHO: "He's not wearing underwear") or

                    (SHOUT OVER: "So there!") or

                    (SHOUT: "Neither is this plot")

Oliver: Revenge your twin. You tried to abuse her.

Farley: A ridiculous accusation! You force me to refuse her.

                    (ECHO: "abuse her") or

                    (SHOUT: "The force is strong with this one")

Brad: Then why did you choose her?

                    (SHOUT: "Sarandon wasn't available!") or

                    (SHOUT: "Choosy brothers chosse Jiff")

Farley: Because of you, sir!

                    (SHOUT: "It's Greg and Peter Brady in Face/Off")
 
 

(Song: "Duel Duet")
 
 

                    (SHOUT: "G")

Farley: You're a loser

                    (SHOUT/sing: "So why don't you kill me")

          An abomination in the eyes of any sensitive man

                    (SHOUT: "Visine gets the red out")

Brad: And you're a blind alley cruiser

                    (SHOUT: "Zardoz")

(Brad's image is imposed on the walls)

                    (SHOUT: "I am the great and powerful Oz!") and/or

                    (SHOUT/sing: "Burning down the house")

          Always heading down a losing strait

          Dreaming that you're screaming at fate

          You're a dead end dead beat nowhere mister

          With a kiss like a Mississippi alligator's sister

Farley: I took as much of you as any man can!

          You've lost your heart

                    (ECHO: "You dropped the soap")

Brad: You've lost your cause
                   (forced ECHO: "Have you checked your car?")

Farley: You lost your baby when you lost your balls!

                    (AP: Throw 6 ping pong balls high into the air)

                    (NOTE: When you throw the ping pong balls into the path of the projection light, the strobe effect, when looking
                    uop at it, is simply amazing)

                    (SHOUT: "Aren't you glad we didn't throw babies?")

          You've lost your mind

          You've lost your grip

          So say bye-bye!

                    (SHOUT: "Bye-bye.") or

                    (SHOUT: "Okay, I love you, Bye Bye") or

                    (SHOUT: "It's a Laura Branigan video") or

                    (SHOUT: "It's the Menendez Brothers!")

Brad: We lost our Mom

          We lost our Dad

          And if I'm losing you

          Well that's too bad

                    (ECHO: "tough shit")

Farley: (pointing his finger like a gun) Well, the best thing you could ever do is die.

                    (SHOUT OVER: "It's Marcel Marceau")

(Scene switch to the Dentonvale Conference room table. Brad and Farley are sitting at opposite ends)

Brad: You're a failure

                    (SHOUT: "What?!")

                    (NOTE: "What?" should be yelled as though you can't hear him because he's sitting at the very FAR end of a
                    long table)

          A malformation in the guise of many and also ran

                    (SHOUT: "I can't hear you!")

Farley: And you're a weeper and a wailer

                    (SHOUT: "How does a one legged man walk?")

(Farley bounces one fingertip on the tabletop, forward)

          Always treading on the toes of the great

          Barely spreading your weight

                    (ECHO: "legs")

          You're a spiteful, hateful, asinine creature

                    (SHOUT: "From Uranus")

          A pupil with no scruples who knew better than the teacher

Brad: I took as much of you as any man can!

                    (SHOUT: "Get out of me!")

Farley: You've lost your heart

                    (SHOUT: "Have you looked under the bed?") or

                    (ECHO: "You dropped the soap")

Brad: You've lost your cause

Farley: You lost your baby when you lost your balls!

                    (AP: Throw 6 ping pong balls high into the air)

                    (SHOUT: "Alright, who threw the baby?!")

          You lost your mind when you lost your grip

          So say bye-bye!

                    (SHOUT: "Bye-bye." - "Everybody's bi")

Brad: We've lost our home

          Our family

          You've lost compassion

          Now you're losing me.

Farley: Well, the best thing you could ever do is die.

                    (SHOUT: "Let's rack him!")

                    (AP: Have someone run up to Brad and pretend to kick him)

Brad: (in high falsetto) Well, the best thing you could ever do is die.

(Scene shift back to the Faith Factory set. Farley is developing a severe facial tic)

Farley: Well, the best thing you could ever do is die.

          Take no notice of him!

                    (SHOUT: "Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain!")

          He's mad.

Brad: I'm as sane

                    (ECHO: "lame")

          as you are. Saner!

                    (ECHO: "lamer")

Cosmo: And he was only with us for one day!

                    (SHOUT: "Give a hand to Mr. Hand!") or

                    (SHOUT: "Thank you, Mr. Freeze")

(Camera pans to Ralph and Bert.)

Bert: They should be sent to the Danube at dawn.

                    (SHOUT: "Achtung baby")

Ralph: What?

                    (ECHO: "What?")

Bert: Just memories.

                    (SHOUT: "Oh")

Ralph: (to Farley quietly) We'll edit the tape.

                    (SHOUT: "Mr. Clinton") or

                    (SHOUT: "Mr. Nixon") or

                    (SHOUT: "Mr Bush")

          They'll never see everything.

                    (SHOUT: "Was it live or memorex?")

          (to audience) Um, I hope Mr. Flavors will accept apologies on behalf of all of Denton for this unfortunate
          incident. It seems everyone wants to be related to the great.

                    (SHOUT: "and powerful Oz") or

                    (SHOUT: "Space Coaster")

Farley: No offense. Offense? On the contrary.

                    (SHOUT: "The best offense is a good defense")

          This is a perfect example of what we are here to combat.

                    (SHOUT: "Gabba Gabba Wee - One of us, one of us")

(All eyes turn to Janet.)

                    (SHOUT: "So which is it, the asshole or the asshole?")

(After a brief moment, she reaches down and helps Brad to his feet.)

                    (SHOUT: "Ah, the asshole")

(Farley is shocked for a moment)

                    (SHOUT: "How do you have sex? In!")

(Farley starts chanting "Out", over and over.)

                    (AP: Shout "in" between each "out", faster and faster, until it's impossible to keep up. Then near the very end,
                    SHOUT: "Heeee's safe!")

                    (SHOUT: "This is the weirdest production of MacBeth")

(The audience helps out with the "out" chant, pointing toward the door each time. They catch on as do most of the people on stage. The
Cop comes and escorts Oliver, Betty, Brad and Janet into the research lab.)

          You see the way we got rid of that dirty little dish,

                    (SHOUT: "Did he say bitch?") or

                    (SHOUT: "…that ran away with the spoon")

          is the way we are going to put the rest of our house in order. Including the upstairs!

                    (SHOUT: "Oh shit, that's my room!") or

                    (SHOUT or ECHO: "Downstairs!")

(Audience cheers. Farley motions to Macy)

          Ah yes, yes, Miss, you, yes.

                    (SHOUT: "Miss You-yes?")

          Would you come up here please and help us to inaugurate the Farley Flavor's Faith Factory, transmitting from coast to coast and
          continent to continent? You are Miss…

                    (SHOUT: "-taken") or

                    (SHOUT: "-terious")

          uh, Miss…

                    (SHOUT: "-carriaged") or

                    (SHOUT: "-informed") or

                    (SHOUT: "-guided")

Macy: Macy. Macy Struthers.

                    (ECHO: "Slutters")

Farley: Macy

                    (ECHO: "Sally")

          Struthers!!!

                    (SHOUT: "Hey Betty, do Kojack")

Betty: Who loves you, Baby?

(Betty flips off Macy.)

                    (SHOUT: "There's my bird!") or

                    (SHOUT: "That's the chicken that stepped on his forehead") or

                    (SHOUT: "Hey, that bird does belong to her!")

(Camera goes to Emily and Harry who are clapping)

Emily: She let me down. She let us all down!

                    (SHOUT: "It's the Whiners!") or

                    (SHOUT: "Repunzel, Repunzel")

Harry: Shut up, Emily! And listen to a success story.

                    (SHOUT: "The life of Donald Trump")

Nation: This could be worse than the old series.

                    (SHOUT: "Good Times") or

                    (SHOUT: "Ellen")

Cosmo: In the old series we never had a convertible.

                    (SHOUT: "Ellen did lift her top once")

(Dangles keys)

Farley: And remember, sanity today is the springboard to the hygienic tomorrow.

(Farley kisses Macy.)

                    (SHOUT: "It's superglue!")

(Ralph frowns but keeps on clapping. Audience cheers)

          Now, will you follow me, down the DTV trail, to Dentonvale?

                    (ECHO: "Disney World") or

                    (SHOUT/sing: "Happy trails to you...") or

                    (SHOUT: "I want my DTV")

Audience: Dentonvale!!!

                    (SHOUT: "OH SHIT!!! NOT AGAIN!!!")

Farley: (to Macy) Thanks honey, they bought it. Now out of the way.

          (to audience) That's right!

(Scene switches to Neely)

Neely: I can't stand it.

                    (SHOUT: "Then sit down, bitch")

          Everything good always happens to other people.

                    (SHOUT: "Marcia Marcia Marcia")

(Audience members are being handed striped straight jackets)

                    (SHOUT: "Here's your Foot Locker uniforms, orientation in 10 minutes") or

                    (SHOUT: "Cocaine, get your cocaine!")

          And fast food giant Farley Flavors has just given Miss Mental Health

                    (SHOUT: "the finger")

          what can only be described as an official kiss of approval.

                    (ECHO: "piss off")

          And the crowd are loving it as they follow her down the Dentonvale trail.

(Brad sneaks up to the cop who has them held in a room. His gun is raised)

                    (SHOUT: "Hey, pull my trigger")

(Brad tries to grab the gun, but the cop turns and sees him)

(Brad points to the crowd)

Brad: (to the cop) Hey look, they're having a party.

                    (ECHO: "Look, there's a bloody glove in OJ's yard!") or

                    (ECHO: "Look, they're giving out free donuts!") or

                    (ECHO: "Look, they're giving out free enemas!")

(The cop looks, smiling, but then realizes Brad was just trying to divert his attention)

                    (SHOUT, childlike, speaking for Vance, the Cop: "Ohhh, you almost got me!")

(Vance is about to take off, because he sees Neely and her crew following thecrowd because they don't want to miss out on the action.
Just as he is about to leave, he shoves Brad into the office and shuts the door. He takes off after everyone else. Scene
shifts to inside the research lab)
 
 

(Song: "Anyhow Anyhow")
 
 

                    (SHOUT: "And now the Heidi Fleiss Anthem") or

                    (SHOUT: "Why do we watch Shock Treatment?")

Brad: Some people do it for compassion

Janet: Some people do it for the fashion

                    (ECHO: "Some people do it in their ass and")

Brad: Some people do it to be funny

                    (SHOUT: "And then there's Betty")

Janet: Some people do it for the money

                    (ECHO: "...with their honey") or

                    (ECHO: "…with a bunny")

Oliver: Some people do it for enslavement

                    (SHOUT: "It's Betty's Miracle Hairpin!") or

                    (SHOUT: "And for pain?")

Betty: Some people do it on the pavement

                    (SHOUT: "Hopscotch!")

(Betty unlocks the door with her hairpin)

                    (SHOUT: "in your")

Oliver: But...

(All four of them conga out of the office and dance towards the audience seats.)

All 4: We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow

                    (ECHO: "with a cow, with a cow")

          We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow

                    (ECHO: "With a cow, with a cow")

          We're gonna do it

          No matter how the wind is blowing

                    (ECHO: "...how the cow is mooing")

          We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow

                    (ECHO: "with a cow, with a cow")

          We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow

                    (ECHO: "with a cow, with a cow")

          We're gonna do it

          We just gotta keep going

                    (ECHO: "keep screwing") or

                    (SHOUT: "Like the energizer bunny")

                    (NOTE: In this next verse, whenever the couples kick twice, echo with their kicks: "Kick - Kick!")

Brad & Janet: Some people do it for each other

Betty & Oliver: Some people do it for their lover

                    (ECHO: "with their mother")

Brad & Janet: Some people do it for improvement

                    (SHOUT: "Home improvement")

Betty & Oliver: Some people do it for the movement

                    (ECHO: "for bowel movement")

Brad & Janet: Some people do it for enjoyment

                    (SHOUT: "and Betty?") or

                    (SHOUT: "and <fill in blank with fan name>?")

Betty & Oliver: Some people do it for employment

                    (SHOUT: "in your") or

                    (SHOUT: "Up somebody's")

Oliver: But...

(All four dance down the aisles to the stage to see Oscar Drill and the Bits waiting for them in and on the
convertible.)

                    (SHOUT/sing: "It's Greased Lightning!") or

                    (SHOUT: "It's the No-neck Shuffle!")

                    (NOTE: Repeat same echoes from first chorus)

All 4: We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow

          We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow

          We're gonna do it

          No matter how the wind is blowing

                    (SHOUT: "Blow me now, ask me how")

          We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow

          We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow

          We're gonna do it

          We just gotta keep going

(Scene shifts to the McKinley's office. Farley is standing on the desk and has just opened a bottle of champagne and is drinking a toast with
the Faith Factory cast and others. Cameras follow the audience, now clad in their straight jackets and Faith Factory hats, along the wall to
the Terminal Ward. They are singing)

                    (AP: When you see the audience in striped straightjackets, SHOUT: "Hi, welcome to Footlocker, can I help
                    you?")

Audience: Denton, Denton

                    (SHOUT: "Oh shit! The movie's started over again!")

          You've got no pretension

          You're where the heart is

          You're okay!

                    (SHOUT: "In Texas")

(Scene shows Cosmo's Office. Farley is standing on his desk, arms wide open, as his new friends surround him. We can see Macy being
spanked)

                    (SHOUT: "Macy likes a little spanking!")

          Denton, Denton

          I'd just like to mention

          You're the acceptable face

          Of the human race

          You're Denton, Denton USA!

(Scene shift back to the stage. The band has just pushed open the studio door)

                    (AP: Run to the screen and open the door)

                    (SHOUT: "Hey everybody! This is the way to leave Shock Treatment!")

(Betty has just jump-started the car with her hairpin.)

                    (SHOUT: "It's Betty and her Miracle Hairpin") or

                    (SHOUT: "Those years Betty spent in Harlem have paid off")

                    (NOTE: Repeat same echoes from first chorus of "Anyhow Anyhow")

All 4: We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow

          We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow

          We're gonna do it

          No matter how the wind is blowing

                    (SHOUT: "The answer is blowing in the wind")

          We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow

          We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow

          We're gonna do it

          We just gotta keep going

          We just gotta keep going

          We just gotta keep going

                    (SHOUT: "and going and going...")

(Brad, Janet, Oliver, Betty, and the band, all get into the car and drive off. The door closes behind them.)

Narrator: The sun never sets on those who ride into it

                    (ECHO: "The sun never rides into those who sit upon it")

                    (SHOUT: "What?")

All 4: We just gotta keep going

                    (SHOUT: "Oh") or

                    (SHOUT: "Badee, badee, that's all folks") or

                    (SHOUT: "Thank God that shit's over") then

                    (SHOUT: "Oh shit! There's more!")
 
 

CREDITS. (Song "Overture" repeats over credits)

(The following is a list of the credits for possible shout lines. The first section is the cast section, with photo accompaniment.)

(NOTE: Whenever a cast is acting, generally no lines are shouted during the credits, allowing cast members to take a bow for applause.)

Additional Ideas BRIAN THOMPSON

                    (SHOUT: "This stupid movie was Brian's idea?")

                    (SHOUT: "They came back for more?")

Musical Arrangements...by RICHARD HARTLEY

                    (SHOUT: "Wait a minute! I though Bert made all the arrangements!")

Choreography GILLIAN GREGORY

                    (SHOUT: "And the dancing was so great in this movie!")

JESSICA HARPER as Janet Majors

                    (SHOUT: "Look! Janet grew a black beard!")

CLIFF DE YOUNG as Farley Flavors

                    (SHOUT: "Hey, he's smokin' a joint!")

                    (SHOUT: "Coming soon to your local Baskin Robbins")

CLIFF DE YOUNG as Brad Majors

                    (SHOUT: "Cliff came twice!" - "Mommy, my shirt's too big!")

RICHARD O'BRIEN as Cosmo McKinley

                    (SHOUT: "I'm stoned, man!")

PATRICIA QUINN as Nation McKinley

                    (SHOUT: "It's Lucille Ball!")

CHARLES GRAY as Judge Oliver Wright

                    (SHOUT: "That man has no fucking neck")

                    (SHOUT: "The neck-less court is now in session")

RUBY WAX as Betty Hapschatt

                    (SHOUT: "One ringa-dingy, two ringa-dingies")

NELL CAMPBELL as Nurse Ansalong

                    (SHOUT: "That doesn't look like Nev Campbell")

RIK MAYALL as "Rest Home" Ricky

                    (SHOUT: "I'd like my sequel without mayo, please") or

                    (SHOUT in reference to the British TV series with Rick Mayall: "He's such a young one, isn't he?")

BARRY HUMPHRIES as Bert Schnick

                    (SHOUT: "Fuckin' pervert! Get Away from my window!") or

                    (SHOUT: "Dame it, Edna! I love you!")

DARLENE JOHNSON as Emily Weiss

                    (SHOUT: "I've sewn my fist to my jaw!")

HANNING REDWOOD as Harry Weiss

                    (SHOUT: "His pubic hairs are overgrown") or

                    (Beavis & Butthead SHOUT: "Heh heh, his wood is red")

WENDY RAEBECK as Macy Struthers and JEREMY NEWSON as Ralph Hapschatt

                    (SHOUT: "Come on! Pull our fingers!")

BETSY BRANTLEY...as Neely...

                    (SHOUT: "Quick, get a close-up of my eyeball")

CHRIS MALCALM as Vance Parker

                    (SHOUT: "Hey doc, I found this bird up my ass!")

RAY CHARLESON as Floor Manager

                    (SHOUT: "They promised me a big role!")

EUGENE LIPINSKI as Kirk

                    (SHOUT: "There's my urine sample!") or

                    (SHOUT: "How'd you like to have Lipstick as your last name?")

BARRY DEMEN as Irwin Lapsey

                    (SHOUT: "Has anyone seen my other arm?") or

                    (SHOUT: "He's a demon, man!")

IMOGEN GLAIR as Wardrobe Mistress

                    (SHOUT: "That's not Sue Blane!")

GARY SHAIL...as Oscar Drill & The Bits

                    (SHOUT: "What? We're last? Fuck you!")
 
 

SCROLLING CREDITS.

(The following credits pass by. I've only included the names with shout lines. The names are in parenthesis, and the shouts follow.)

(John Comfort) Quick, someone comfort John.

(Roger Simmons) Isn't that Richard's brother?

(Bob Smith) Talk about generic names.

(Andrew Sanders) Isn't that Adam Sandler's brother?

(Ellen Chenoweth) Ellen Chewbacca?

(Hugh Strain) Don't bother me, I'm having a huge strain.

(Dave Wintour/Mark Griffiths) Dave's spending the winter with Mark Griffith, Andy's brother.

(Ray Parsons) Ray's got Parson's desease. Don't worry, it'll pass.

(Len Huntingford) Len is hunting for Ford. He's in bed with Richard.

(Brian King) Brian King works at burger king.

(final credits come to a still)

No humans were harmed in the making of this film - only in the viewing of it.
 
 

NO MORE CREDITS, ONLY BLACK SCREEN.

(During this scene, "Shock Treatment" plays but there is no visual. Here are suggested lines to shout during this section)

Hey, what happened? It's Shock Treatment for blind people!

Go to the light, Carol Anne, and take a left.

What'd you think of Shock Treatment? I thought it was a real dark movie.

It's Shock Treatment and its all black cast.

This is Stevie Wonder's favorite scene.

Mine, too, but I've seen it before.

Let's face it, Mac, that basic black is coming back!

Bert just adores this color.

It's dark town after dark.

Hey, who's touching me?

I'm not touching you, I'm not touching you.

Hey up front, move out of the way, I can't see!
 
 

SCREEN IS BLACK, SONG HAS ENDED: SILENCE.

                    (SHOUT: "Hey, it's Shock Treatment for Blind and Deaf people!")
 



 

The End

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