SHOCK TREATMENT
 
 

(Movie opens with the 20th Century Fox logo.)

                    (SHOUT: "I don't want to see Star Wars again!") or

                    (SHOUT: "20th Century Fucks...again.") then

                    (SHOUT: "I'm still sore from the last one")
 
 

(When the logo disappears, the first scene opens up with a still shot of Farley, smoking. Credits begin scrolling near the bottom of the
screen.)

                    (SHOUT: "A long long time ago, in a galaxy far far away, God said, let there be a sequel, and there was a sequel,
                    and it was shitty.")

                    (SHOUT, to be shouted when the last letter of Richard O'Brien's name reaches almost center screen: "Ladies and
                    gentlemen, the narrator for the Dukes of Hazzard") or

                    (SHOUT: "Tell us a least-loved bedtime story, Mr. Mike!") or

                    (SHOUT: "It's Alfred Hitchcock") or

                    (SHOUT: "Hello, I'm William Castle with the stock report.")

Narrator: Once upon a time,

                    (SHOUT: "Where?") or

                    (SHOUT: "In a galaxy far, far away") or

                    (SHOUT: "Tuesday")

          in a town

                    (SHOUT: "Where?")

          not far from yours,

                    (SHOUT: "Too close") or

                    (SHOUT: "Berwyn") (NOTE: You may use a small town close to the place where you're watching the movie.)

          there lived a real fast

                    (ECHO: "Fat")

          guy.

                    (SHOUT: "Just ask his girlfriend") or

                    (SHOUT: "Mario Andretti" or "The Flash" or "Steve Prefontaine")

          His life was fast

                    (ECHO: "Fat") or

                    (ECHO: "His hands were fast")

          His friends were fast

                    (ECHO: "Fat") or

                    (ECHO: "His fucks were fast")

          Even his food was fast

                    (ECHO: "Fat") or

                    (ECHO: "Even his orgasms were fast")

          But he was still not satisfied

                    (ECHO: "Fatified") or

                    (SHOUT: "Neither was his girlfriend")

          He wanted to share his fast

                    (ECHO: "Fat")

          philosophy with

                    (SHOUT: "Rosanne Barr")

                    (SHOUT: "Was it Janet Reno") or

                    (SHOUT: "Was it k.d. lang")

          a beautiful girl

                    (SHOUT: "Guess not") or

                    (SHOUT: "I'd hate to see the ugly one") or

                    (SHOUT: "Uma Thurman")

          Trouble was,

                    (SHOUT: "A board game") or

                    (SHOUT: "There's always trouble in these movies")

          she was in the arms of

                    (SHOUT: "an asshole") or

                    (SHOUT: "another beautiful girl?")

          another man.

                    (SHOUT: "Damn! I was hoping for some girl-girl stuff!") or

                    (SHOUT: "Welcome to the Gong Show") or

                    (ECHO: "Dave Thomas" or "Dr. Octopus")

(A gong sound is heard)

                    (SHOUT: "Hey waiter, you forgot the Curry")
 
 

(The smoke begins to move)

                    (SHOUT: "Welcome to the world of IMAX")

                    (SHOUT: "Hey! No smoking in the auditorium - unless you plan on sharing that joint with us!")
 
 

(Music: "Overture")
 
 

(Camera pulls away, as monitors in background display DTV logo. When the camera pulls back enough to reveal the entire billboard, we
see it's inside a television studio)

                    (SHOUT: "Isn't that the billboard from the cemetary? They moved the tombstones but not the bodies!")

(Camera view shows Neely, her crew, Ralph and Macy sitting in the audience chairs)

                    (SHOUT: "It's an audience for Shock Treatment before the movie starts")

(Suddenly, they stand up to leave)

                    (SHOUT: "It's an audience for Shock Treatment after the movie starts.") or

                    (SHOUT: "Ace is the place with the...")

(The floor manager approaches a door)

                    (SHOUT: "Don't go in there - that's the ladies room")

(The floor manager knocks on the door)

                    (SHOUT: "Well, at least he knocks first")

(The floor mananager enters the doorway)

                    (SHOUT: "Let's hear your best Olive Oyl impersonation") or

                    (SHOUT: "Who was your favorite star of the movie Ghost?" Or any Whoopi Goldberg movie)

(The wardrobe mistress comes out of the door and walks the catwalk towards a corner, nearly crashing into a makeup girl.)

Wardrobe Mistress: Whoops!

(The second door opens up, and the floor manager steps out)

                    (SHOUT: "He came out of the closet")

(He almost collides with the wardrope mistress)

                    (SHOUT: "Whoops!")

(Floor manager takes the stairs down)

                    (NOTE: The next set of shout lines should be yelled at an average pace, not rushed as the floor manager goes
                    down the stairs. If all is timed right, the last shout line here should match the screen credit that appears)

                    (SHOUT: "He's going down. He's going down the stairs. He's going down on the cast. He's going down on Brian
                    Thompson.")

(Credit reads "Costumes, Sue Blane")

                    (SHOUT: "She's still to blame for the shitty costumes")

(Credit reads "Mike Malloy, B.S.S.)

                    (SHOUT: "That's a bunch of B.S.")

(Credit reads "Editor, Richard Bedford")

                    (SHOUT: "Richard's in bed with Ford - better edit that one")

                    (SHOUT: "Let's hear someone with smoker's cough")

Harry: Good luck, honey.

                    (SHOUT: in deep hoarse voice "Thanks, dear")

(Credits read "John Goldstone")

                    (SHOUT: "John's still got goldstones, they didn't pass")

(Credit reads "Jim Sharman")

                    (SHOUT: "Don't squeeze the Sharman, part two")

(The floor manager approaches the bay door and points upward to open the door)

                    (SHOUT: "I'll get you!" or "Sieg heil!")

(The bay door opens)

                    (AP: Have 3 or 4 fans run to the screen and pretend to be pushing the bay door open with a struggling look.)

(The audience rushes inside the studio)

                    (SHOUT: "It's a riot at the Who concert") or

                    (SHOUT: "Look! The new Beanie Babies are in!") or

                    (SHOUT: "Lookout....Hurricane Katrina!!!!!")

                    (SHOUT: "It's Austin Powers!") pause briefly, and then

                    (SHOUT: "For one movie, and one movie only, it's Janet as...a bass")

Brad: What are we gonna do, Janet?

Janet: It's alright, Brad. Everything's gonna be alright.

                    (ECHO: in a deep bass voice "It's alright, Brad. Everything's gonna be alright.")

                    (NOTE: The humor in this is soon discovering that Jessica Harper's singing voice is no match to Susan
                    Sarandon's soprano) and/or

                    (SHOUT: "Not without Tim Curry")

(Brad and Janet head for the stadium stairs to take theirs seats. She wears her white purse on her shoulder.)

                    (SHOUT: "Look, the bitch still has the same purse")

                    (SHOUT: "Looks like she's outgrown it")

(The audience members begin filling the seats.)

                    (SHOUT: "Last one to sit down has to sleep with <fill in the blank with a name of a Rocky Horror fan>")

(Sign on stadium reads "It's Gotta Be DTV")

                    (SHOUT: "It's gotta be dumb television")

                    (SHOUT: "It's gotta be a dumb sequel.")

(The camera pulls back slowly, turning upwards until we see the Denton Billboard sign)

                    (SHOUT: "Denton, the home of horniness") or

                    (SHOUT: "Denton, the home of homeliness") or

                    (SHOUT: "Denton, the home of hopelessness")

(The scene switches to show several television monitors with the DTV logo on them)

                    (SHOUT: "Disney Television on acid")

(The scene switches to show the Denton Dossier logo)

                    (SHOUT: "Denton Douche Bag")
 
 

(Song: "Denton, U.S.A.")
 
 

(The scene opens up on the Denton set, with Neely's back to us)

                    (SHOUT: "Hello, Neely, we're behind you. Hello! Yo Bitch, turn around!") or

                    (SHOUT: "Ladies and Gentlemen, the Joker")

(Neely turns around to face us)

                    (SHOUT: "God!") or

                    (AP: Scream in terror) or

                    (SHOUT: "What do you find in Janet's crotch?")

Neely: You'll find happy hearts

                    (ECHO: "Humps")

          and smiling faces

                    (AP: Run up to the screen and unzip/rezip her zipper on her breast pocket)

          and tolerance for the ethnic races in Denton.

                    (ECHO: "...kids with braces and dentures") or

                    (ECHO: "…in Berwyn")

                    (SHOUT: "What do you find in Laura Dern's crotch?")

Harry: You'll find a ramblin' rose

(Harry clips the bush top)

                    (AP: Run to the bush and put your finger in the path of the clippers, shouting "Ow!" as he clips)

          and a picket fence

                    (SHOUT: "Ask Tom Sherritt")

Emily: Tenderness and innocence in Denton

                    (ECHO: "Pick your nose and rub it in your dentures")

(Emily bites a thread in two)

                    (SHOUT: "Don't forget to floss") then

                    (SHOUT: "What will you find in the U.N.?") or

                    (SHOUT: "What do you find in Madonna's crotch?")

Cop: You'll find conference rooms

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Where do you smoke your weed?")

          and a children's playground

                    (SHOUT: "This used to be her playground")

(Vance Parker, the cop, closes the jail door)

                    (SHOUT: "Attica!")

          Denton is a real okay

                    (ECHO: "all gay") or

                    (SHOUT OVER: "How big is your dick?")

(Vance makes an "okay" sign with his fingers)

          town.

          Civic pride and civic duty

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Isn't that the girls from The Facts Of Life?")

          and Denton girls are (whistle)

                    (ECHO: "P.U.")

          full of beauty

                    (ECHO: "Blair and Tootie") or

                    (ECHO: "Full of shit") or

                    (SHOUT: "The cops are blind") or

                    (ECHO: "Real good booty") or

                    (ECHO: "Pre-teen booty") or

                    (ECHO: "Full of cooties") or

                    (SHOUT: "Officer Krup K in 'Lolita'") or

                    (SHOUT: "Sing it, Goody Two Shoes") or

                    (SHOUT: "Sing it, Adam Ant") or

                    (SHOUT OVER/sing: "Don't drink, don't smoke, what do you do?") or

                    (SHOUT: "What a goody two shoe")

Cheerleaders: You may call us the goody two shoes

                    (SHOUT: "It's the <fill in the blank with name of high school in your area> cheerleaders")

                    (SHOUT: "No, they were never that good.")

          We're here to cheer you with the good news

                    (SHOUT: "Who choreographed this? Paula Abdul?")

          that D-E-N-T-O-N

(SHOUT: "Cheerleader math") or

                    (SHOUT, in reference to high school cheerleaders mentioned two shouts ago: "They can't spell that good
                    either.")

          gets T-E-N,

                     (SHOUT: "They can't count that good either")

          that's ten out of ten.

                    (AP: Run up to the screen when Macy Struthers is posed with a leg kicked back. Pretend to grab her leg and
                    pump it like a water pump.)

Ralph: If you're lookin' for a life of leisure

Macy: You're gonna get a whole lot to please ya

                    (SHOUT: "How often do you masterbate?") or

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Ralph and Macy, describe your sex lives")

Ralph: Again and again

Macy: And again and again

Ralph/Macy: And again!

                    (SHOUT: "I don't want to shake your hand")

                    (SHOUT: "Look, John Denver's plane flew right over there!") or

                    (SHOUT: "Look, Janet's vibrator went that way!")

(During this chorus, the audience looks back and forth, left and right, with each line of the chorus)

                    (AP: Look back and forth as the movie audience does, as though you're watching John Denver's plane flying
                    overhead.) or

                    (AP: Look back and forth as the movie audience does, as though you're watching Janet's vibrator flying overhead)

Audience: Denton, Denton

          You've got no pretention

          You're where the heart is

          You're okay.

                    (ECHO: "You're all gay") or

                    (ECHO: "You're so gay")

          Denton, Denton

          I'd just like to mention

          You're the home of youth

                    (SHOUT: "Not the wave!")

          You're America's truth

          You're Denton, Denton, U.S.A.

                    (NOTE: The following is an optional SHOUT ECHO to sing over the entire first chorus, if you'd like: "Denteen,
                    Denteen, we chew lots of Denteen, let's have a lot more, it's okay! Did I mention that I shopped at Venture. It's the
                    home for you to replace a tooth, and get Dentures, dentures everyday!")

Emily: This is the mecca of America

                    (SHOUT: "Malcolm why?") or

                    (SHOUT with tag on lines that overlap Harry's lines: "What's a mecker?" "Someone who mecks." "How do you
                    meck?" "With a pitchfork and a banana")

Harry: The Bethlehem of the west

                    (SHOUT: "Jesus!")

Emily: This is the birthplace of the virtuous

                    (SHOUT: "Janet was from out of town")

Harry: The home of

(Harry clips the bush with hedge clippers)

                    (AP: Run to the screen and put your finger or crotch in the path of the clippers clip, and when he clips the bush,
                    SHOUT: "Ouch!")

          happiness

                    (Beavis & Butthead SHOUT: "Heh heh, he said penis") or

                    (SHOUT: "Not if you keep clipping")

Macy: (with her palm extended) Leisure-wise, we're sure you will adapt

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Hey, Macy! Gimme five!") or

                    (SHOUT: "Valley of the dolls")

Ralph: Enjoy your stay. Have a happy holiday.

                    (ECHO: "Be so happy, he's so gay") or

                    (SHOUT: "Motel 6")

Cheerleaders: (rocking their heads back and forth like dolls) And we'll all put Denton, Denton on the map.

                    (SHOUT: "It's Lavern and Shirley after Lavern spent too much time in the tanning bed") or

                    (SHOUT: "Cindy Williams and Moesha in The Defiant Ones")

                    (SHOUT OVER: in reference to Cheerleader's head shakes "It's Puppet Master, part five")

(During this 2nd chorus, the audience rows are leaning back and forth, left and right, each row in the opposite of the row in the opposite
direction of the row in front and behind them.)

                    (AP: We should choreograph each row prior to the film's start to do the same)

                    (SHOUT: "Look! Now John Denvor's plane is being chased by <fill in the blank's> vibrator")

Audience: Denton, Denton

          You've got

(As the rows lean, a bearded man in the 2nd row doesn't switch directions with his row)

                    (SHOUT: "Hey, mister! Lean that way! That way!")

          no pretention

          You're where the heart is

          You're okay.

(Scene shows the DEN sign, followed by the TON sign)

                    (SHOUT: "That's a ton!")

(Scene shows a large man in the audience leaning to his right)

                    (SHOUT: "So's that!")

          Denton, Denton, I'd just

(Scene shows the fat man lean to the left, onto the man next to him)

                    (SHOUT: "Get off me!") or

                    (SHOUT: "It's Marlon Brando!")

          like to mention you're

                    (SHOUT: "Shock Treatment in 3-D")

(Scene shows a woman with large sunglasses)

          the home of youth

          You're America's truth

          You're Denton, Denton, U.S.A.

                    (SHOUT: "Stand up if you think Godzilla was a bad movie")

(The audience stands up and claps during the next chorus)

          Denton, Denton

          You've got no pretention

          You're

(Scene shows a black guy clapping, standing next to a fat guy)

                    (SHOUT: "Look in the middle, it's Kid Dynomite!")

                    (SHOUT: "With a cameo by John Candy")

          where the heart is

          You're okay

          Denton, Denton
          I'd just

(Scene shows Brad & Janet with an old man standing behind Brad)

                    (SHOUT: "Hey, isn't that George Burns?")

          like to mention

                    (SHOUT: "Hey Brad, clap like a white guy")

(Brad claps off beat)

                    (SHOUT: "The Oswald prison transfer had better choreography")

          You're the home of youth

          You're America's truth

(Scene shows close-ups on various faces)

                   (AP: Scream in terror when you see Ralph's face)

(Scene shows Brad preparing, very slowly in anticipation, to clap again)

                    (SHOUT: "Okay, Brad, clap one more time... Here we go, ready?")

                    (NOTE: The humor in this joke is that we're encouraging Brad to clap where there is no more claps coming up.
                    When the audience starts to sit down, SHOUT: "Psyche!")

          You're Denton, Denton, U.S.A.

                    (SHOUT: "Last one to sit down, sits in the wet spot")
 
 

(The scene changes to the set of Denton Dossier, starring Betty Hapshatt, with guest Judge Oliver Wright)

                    (SHOUT, grabbing yourself: "Hey Betty, how about this?")

Betty: Well how about that?

                    (SHOUT: "I just came!")

          Wasn't that terrific?

                    (SHOUT: "It was okay") or

                    (SHOUT: "No!")

          And now for, well certainly my favorite part of the show

                    (SHOUT: "Oh my God, they killed Kenny...")

          and I sincerly hope yours at home, our in depth discussion with Judge Oliver Wright...

(The camera switches to Judge Wright, who has his hands clasped together)

                    (SHOUT: "That man still has no fucking neck!") or

                    (SHOUT: "Hand farts, hand farts") or

                    (SHOUT: "Let the neck jokes begin") or

                    (SHOUT: "The neck-less court is now in session")

Betty: (continued) Denton's leading social scientist. Judge Wright?

                    (SHOUT: "Judge Wrong")

Oliver: Hmmm?

                    (SHOUT: "He made a yummy sound")

Betty: Did you enjoy our anthem?

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Do you like sex with little boys?") or

                    (SHOUT: "Are you gay?")

Oliver: In a way.

                    (SHOUT: "Try flipping them over sometime")

Betty: I detect a note of reticence.

                    (SHOUT: "That's my breathmint") or

                    (ECHO: "residue") or

                    (SHOUT: "Fuck you, Rolanda")

          Are you perhaps one of those amongst us who feel that emotive forms of presentations are overly manipulative?

                    (SHOUT: "You kiss your mom with that mouth") or

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Is it true that the <fill the blank with major league baseball team name> have hired a spider to
                    play outfield?")

Oliver: Well Betty, there are many ways that the spider may catch the fly.

                    (SHOUT OVER: "How does Betty get men to sleep with her?")

          There are monitary inducements...(continues in the background)

                    (SHOUT: "G.I. Jane joins the Orkin Army")

(The scene switches to show Neely and her cameraman running towards the stadium)

                    (SHOUT: "I think John Denver's plane crashed...somewhere over there")

(Neely points towards the back row, and then approaches Brad and Janet in the stadium).

                    (SHOUT: "Hey, Neely, who's stoned?")

Neely: Hi Brad, Hi Janet.

Oliver: ...Extortion...

                    (SHOUT: "Doh!")

Neely: Come for Marriage Maze?

                    (SHOUT: "Squirt!") or

                    (SHOUT: "The last…")

Oliver: ...Seduction...

Neely: I'm exhausted working on this new documentary for Farley's new show

                    (SHOUT: "The Dick Van Lesbian Show") or

                    (SHOUT: "Asshole and Me")

Oliver: ...Blackmail...

                    (SHOUT: "…seeking white female")

Neely: Farley Flavors. Our new sponser.

                    (SHOUT: "Are you a lesbian?")

          Whew!

(Shakes hand in air, as though she's air drying her nails)

                    (SHOUT: "Tired fingers")

Oliver: ...Prejudice...

                    (SHOUT: "I hate everyone")

Neely: I tell you, Janet, that guy's as close as we'll come

                    (SHOUT: "Squirt!")

          to a successful man in this town.

                  (SHOUT: "You'll come for anything with the word suck in it!") or

                  (SHOUT: "At least since the Lindburg baby") or

                  (SHOUT: "Sex...")

Oliver: ...and Lies.

                  (SHOUT: "...and videotapes")

Betty: Thank you, Judge Oliver Wright. And now, for a commercial break.

                    (SHOUT: "Thank God, I need to pee.") or

                    (SHOUT: "From Pussy Whip, the first dessert topping for cats")
 
 

(Scene changes to show Macy in a graduation cap and gown. With her are several children in costumes.)

                    (SHOUT: "It's the Hot For Teacher video")

Macy: Okay kids, let's hear the five F's for today. F for...

                    (NOTE: You can make up your own five "F"s for the commercial, but it sounds better if all of your cast and fans
                    know the same five Fs. If not, everything is shouted down. The Midnight Madness Chicago cast uses these five:
                  "Faggot", "Fem Boy", "Foccacia", "Fart", and "Philodendron". Our Kansas City cast, The Regular Frankie Fans,
                    prefer to make all five F-words make a complete sentence "Farley - Flavors - Fingers - Fat - Females". Be
                    creative…)

Kids: Farley!

                    (ECHO: "Farley")

Macy: F for...

Kids: Flavors!

                    (ECHO: "Flavors")

Macy: F for...

Kids: Fabulous!

                    (ECHO: "Fingers")

Macy: F for...

Kids: Fast!

                    (ECHO: "Fat")

Macy: And F For...

Kids: Foods!

                    (ECHO: "Females") or

                    (ECHO: "Fuck the teacher!")

                    (SHOUT: "Okay, who wants to sleep with <fill in the blanks with fan name>"?") or

                    (SHOUT: "You're gonna be in the movie Shock Treatment!")

(The children start to run away, screaming)

                    (SHOUT: "The Michigan Militia presents, Romper Room")

Female Announcer: First and foremost

(The screen shows 5 letter F's)

                    (SHOUT: "F-in' Natzis!") or

                    (SHOUT: "This ad brought to you by the American Nazi party")

                    (AP: Have someone run to the screen and with his/her index finger, follow the Fs around like you were moving
                    them…)

          Farley Flavor's fabulous fast food feed and fortify families for a fabulous future.

                    (SHOUT: "Fuck off!")
 
 

(Scene changes to show Oliver and Betty exiting the Denton Dossier set)

Floor Manager: Stand by for marraige maze. Strike Denton Dossier.

                    (ECHO: "Dosie-Doh") or

                    (SHOUT OVER: "He just had sex with you")

Betty: Thank you so much, Judge Wright, for a wonderful interview.

Oliver: Judge Wright? Oh come on, Betty.

                    (SHOUT: "You come on Betty!")

          First name terms, surely, huh?

                    (SHOUT: "Don't call me Shirley!")

Betty: Oh Oliver.

                    (SHOUT: "My face")

          You're so tolerant.

                    (ECHO: "Old")

          Time for a coffee break

                    (ECHO: "Blow Job")

          before you rush off?

                    (ECHO: "Fuck off?") or

                    (SHOUT: "Yay rush")

Oliver: Mm, I'd love to

                    (ECHO last word/SHOUT: "Two / blowjobs")

                    (SHOUT: "Here comes Janet's bush")

(Oliver starts to grab Betty, moving her aside to let an E-shaped bush pass by)

                    (SHOUT: "It was a Vowel Movement")

          That is, if you don't mind being seen with an older man.

                    (SHOUT: "Well, I was seeing Jimmy Stewart") or

                    (SHOUT: "Spelling test!")

Betty: Why Oliver

                    (SHOUT: "My face")

                    (SHOUT: "That's spells Yoliver")

          Since Ralph and I separated, maturity is something I look for in a man.

                    (SHOUT: "That and a big dick")

(They exchange giggles)

                    (SHOUT: "Hi Koobla, Hi Fran")

Audience Member: Hi, Ollie! Hi, Betty!

                    (SHOUT: "Hi, Wilma!)

Neely: (approaching) Hi, Betty.

                    (NOTE: There are several greeting exchanges you could have made here: "Hello Laverne, Hello Shirl", "Hello
                    Wally, Hello Beav", "Hello Stanley, Hello Veronica" or "Hello Skipper, Hello Lil Buddy", etc… Be creative, come
                    up with whomever you want)

Betty: Hello, Neely.

                    (SHOUT: "Wonder why they call her Neely?")

                    (SHOUT: "Because she's always on her knees")

Neely: You keep up that high standard of interview

(Neely points her finger at Janet)

                    (SHOUT: "Pull my finger!")

          and I'm gonna have to include you in Farley's documentary. You're so probing.

                    (SHOUT: "My ass hurts!") or

                    (SHOUT: "Now cough")

(Neely exits)

Oliver: A free thinker.

                    (ECHO: "Hooker")

Betty: Everything's free there.

                    (SHOUT: "I'll take five dollars worth!")

                    (SHOUT: "It's still free")
 
 

(They approach Kirk's coffee corner, where Kirk, the cop, and the floor manager stand drinking coffee out of red cups)

                    (SHOUT: "Has anyone seen my urine sample? I put it in a red cup!") or

                    (SHOUT: "Ask Betty if she's stoned")

Kirk: Hi, Betty. The usual?

                    (SHOUT OVER: "One…")

Betty: Plus one.

                    (SHOUT: "is two")

                    (SHOUT: "Or three, if you're stoned")

Kirk: Hi, Vance. Are you gonna be watching Marriage Maze?

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Are you a bad cop?")

Cop: Sure am. This could be Bert Schnick's

(ECHO: "Bird Shit's")

          finest hour.

                    (SHOUT: "A Schnick in time") or

                    (SHOUT OVER: "She loves you?")

Floor Manager: Yeah.

Kirk: Yeah?

Cop: Yeah!

                    (SHOUT: "The Beatles!")

          This could be a major step forward for him.

                    (SHOUT: "Puberty") or

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Wanna hear a blind joke?")

Floor Manager: Yeah, a leap in the dark.

                    (SHOUT: "Hardee-Har-har")

          I better go check on the Bert, otherwise.

                    (SHOUT: "Ward, I'm worried about the Bert") or

                    (SHOUT: "Left")

Cop: Right.

                    (SHOUT: "Left") or

                    (SHOUT OVER: "He's looking for a virgin") or

                    (SHOUT OVER: "He wants to have sex with <fill in the blank>")

Betty: Good luck!

                    (SHOUT: "You'll need it")
 
 

(Scene shift to wardrobe mistress and makeup lady powdering Bert.)

                    (AP: Begin coughing as though there was too much powder)

(Bert waves them away from him as announcer speaks)

                    (SHOUT: "Stop it, bitch")

(Scene shows make-up woman look angry as she walks away)

                    (SHOUT: "Damn celebraties")

(Bert turns to face us, with blind cane extended)

                    (SHOUT: "Isn't that Ed McMahan?")

                    (SHOUT: "From Excess Baggage")

Announcer: And here to bring you your just desserts and a recipe for a perfect marriage, is that gorgeous gourmet,
tossing the uproarious salad of life, Marriage Maze host, Bert Schniks!

                    (ECHO: "Bird Shit") or

                    (ECHO: "Sara Lee") or

                    (ECHO: "Little Debbie") or

                    (SHOUT OVER: "How long does it take a premature ejaculator to come?")

Floor Manager: Three seconds.

                    (SHOUT: "Don't forget to swallow") or

                    (SHOUT: "Smile when you come") or

                    (SHOUT: "Those are the whitest teeth I ever came across")

(Bert smiles)

(Scene shows Bert enter the set)

Bert: Hoopla Denton!

                    (SHOUT: "Fuck You, Bert!")

(Music jingle starts, Bert dances towards podium, audience cheers)

                    (SHOUT/sing: "Hey, Macarena") or

                    (SHOUT: "It's a Greek restaurant")

(Bert steps up to the podium to speak. Two letter M's are in front of him)

                    (SHOUT/sing: "Mmm-Bop") or

                    (SHOUT: "Bono has looked better")

Bert: Thank you, welcome, thank you. Before we start I want to say one or two words about tomorrow night's great
new show: "The Faith Factory Show".

                    (ECHO: "The Claw Is My Master")

(The audience mumbles several "oooooooh"s)

          And as a matter of fact, we have in the studio audience tonight, the host and his lovely co-host. Give a big
          hand, please

                    (SHOUT: "And jerk me off") and/or

                    (AP: Drag a LARGE hand across the bottom of the screen, either hand made from posterboard or the type seen at
                    some sports parks)

          to Ralph Hapshatt and the vivacious Macy Struthers.

                    (SHOUT: "Stand up if you take it up the ass")

(Some of the audience members start to stand. Ralph and Macy stand up.)

                    (SHOUT: "Sid and Nancy, Love Kills")

Audience Member: Hey, Ralph!

                    (AP: Vomit sound) then, referring to Macy:

                    (SHOUT: "She's got a big pussy")

          Let's get a camera in there, for heaven's sake. Over the moon about that commercial, Macy.

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Hey, Macy. You're a slut!")

Macy: Thanks, Bert.

Bert: And got a good show lined up for us tomorrow night, Ralph?

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Do you have a little dick, Ralph?") or

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Do you fuck little boys, Ralph?")

Ralph: Ah, you bet, Bert.

                    (SHOUT: "I fold")

Bert: Good! I'm gonna be there. Ain't we all viewers?

                    (SHOUT: "Count me out, I gotta get my hair done") or

                    (SHOUT: "Count me out, I gotta get my nipples peirced")
 
 

Betty: Macy Struthers with my husband. God, I must have been blind.

                    (SHOUT: "That would explain the dress")

          Still, the weaker the man, the dumber the blonde.

                    (SHOUT: "That would explain Jessica Simpson") or

                    (SHOUT: "That would explain Jenny")

                    (SHOUT: "Not another blonde joke!")

Oliver: Isn't that Brad and Janet Majors sitting in the audience?

                    (SHOUT: "The bitch got hitched" - "He sure did") or

                    (SHOUT: "The Bizzaro world version")

          What an ideal couple they are. You know, more than anyone else in Denton, they represent the old values. Ike would have been
          proud of them.

                    (SHOUT: "But Ike had a Big Dick behind him") or

                    (SHOUT: "Not Tina Turner - but what's love got to do with it?")

Bert: And now, would the first couple who seem to have made hash of their marriage and cooked their goose, step
this way, please...

                    (SHOUT: "What's the second letter of the word fuck?") or

                    (SHOUT: "A-E-I-O…")

                    (SHOUT: "Fuck…")

          ..you!

(Bert points to Brad and Janet)

Janet: That's us, Brad!

                    (ECHO: "That's right, Brad") or

                    (SHOUT: "Tonight on Politically Incorrect, Jeneane Garafolo and Bill Gates")

Bert: Come on, what's cooking up there? Come on down, you guys.

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Grab Janet's tits") or

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Janet will only come if you feel her tits")

          Let's feel you.

                    (SHOUT/sing: "I feel for you")

Brad: I'm not going, Janet.

                    (SHOUT: "I told you to go before the movie started")

Janet: We've got to. Everyone is watching.

                    (SHOUT: "Today on a very special Ricki Lake")

(Brad and Janet leave their seats and head towards the stage to sit in seats on the stage set, next to Bert.)

                    (SHOUT: "Anyone in the mood for some Wendy's?")

(When Brad and Janet leave their seats, two new people sit in them; one of which is an old lady)

                    (SHOUT: "Where's the beef?")

Bert: Face the cameras, face the cameras.

                    (SHOUT: "They are, blind man!") or

                    (SHOUT: "Meet The Press")

          Now, introduce yourselves.

                    (SHOUT: "Janet doesn't need introductions")

Brad/Janet at the same time: I'm Brad M-- / I'm Janet Maj--

                    (SHOUT at same time: "Asshole/Slut") or

                    (SHOUT: "Fuck up!")

                    (SHOUT: "I'm a fuck-up?")

Janet: I'm Janet Majors and this is my husband Brad.

                    (SHOUT: "I remember you in hemline clothes back in 1965") or

                    (SHOUT: "I feel a disturbance in the force") or

                    (SHOUT: "Hey, Kirk, we need more cream") or

                    (SHOUT: "Hey, Kirk, we're having problems on the bridge")

(Scene shifts to show Farley swinging around in his chair quickly, then switches back to the game show)

Bert: Hey, Brad. We've been hearing some bad things about you. Haven't we, Janet?

(Scene switches to show Kirk's corner)

                    (SHOUT: "Who has smoker's cough?")

(Kirk laughs a throaty laugh)

          Haven't we Janet?

                    (SHOUT OVER: "How's Brad in bed?")

Janet: Uh, uh, yes. Uh, he needs help.

Bert: Help?!

                    (SHOUT: "I've fallen and I can't reach my beer") or

                    (SHOUT: "I can't see!") or

                    (SHOUT/sing "I need somebody") or

                    (SHOUT: "Fire! Fire!")

          Let's face it, Janet. Brad's an emotional cripple.

                    (SHOUT: "Like Larry Flynt") or

                    (SHOUT: "What's a creepho?")

                    (SHOUT: "A ho so ugly you have to creep up on her")

                    (AP: Run to the screen and tickle Brad, shouting "tickle tickle tickle")

(Brad laughs)

                    (SHOUT: "I like my bicycle") or

                    (SHOUT: "Janet, I heard you have a yeast infection") or

                    (SHOUT: "I heard you take it up the ass")

Janet: I know, I know, it's just...

Bert: It looks like rest home

                    (ECHO: "It smells like restroom")

          for this stupid old marriage, eh?

                    (SHOUT: "Pig latin!")

          Tell me, Janet. You watch Devtonvale?

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Do you have herpes?") or

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Do you have crabs?")

Janet: Uh, yes. I've caught it once or twice.

Bert: That's right. DTV's most popular hospital series, featuring those perennial favorites, Nation and Cosmo
McKinley, neuro-specialist par excellence.

                    (SHOUT: "Kark from Sling Blade had better diction") or

                    (SHOUT: "What?")

          I recommend, if you pardon my French, Janet,

                    (SHOUT: "Oh") or

                    (SHOUT: "Fuck Off!")

          that you send Brad to them for treatment.

                    (ECHO: "a lobotomy") or

                    (SHOUT: "How's your dad in bed?")

Janet: Oh, uh, well, uh, I know he's a little boring, but, uh, neuro specialists? That sounds a little drastic.

Bert: Ah, there's no use pussy footing around, Janet.

                    (SHOUT: "Then get your foot out of her pussy") or

                    (SHOUT: "There's no pussy around Janet")

          We have to cut quick and deep.

                    (SHOUT: "Like O.J.")
 
 

(Music plays again briefly)

                    (SHOUT: "Which president did you kill?")

Oliver: McKinley

                    (SHOUT: "Who?") or

                    (SHOUT: "What?")

          McKinley

                    (SHOUT: "Oh…")

                    (SHOUT: "You killed McKinley, you bastard!") or

                    (SHOUT: "You shouldn't have said that, your father doesn't like presidents")

Betty: Bert brought them over from Europe.

                    (ECHO: "Sesame Street")

Oliver: Oh?

                    (ECHO: "Crabs?") or

                    (SHOUT: "Duty free")

Betty: They had a very popular series together.

                    (SHOUT: "Mr. & Mrs. Bean")

          Its still rerun in a lot of countries. You must have seen them in Dentonvale.

                    (SHOUT OVER: "When you take a shower, do you wash your asshole?")

Oliver: No, I never watch that.

                    (NOTE: When he says "watch" it sounds like "wash")

                    (SHOUT: "I'd miss Baywatch")
 
 

(Camera pans back to Bert)

Bert: [There's no use wasting another moment] but I'm afraid there's only one solution, isn't there folks?

                    (SHOUT: "Sodium Pentathol") or

                    (SHOUT: "One plus one is three" - "only if you're stoned")

(Floor manager holds up sign reading DENTONVALE)

          One, two, three!

Audience: Dentonvale!

                    (SHOUT: "OH SHIT!!! NOT AGAIN!!!!")

Bert: Hoopla! Don't go away, we'll be right back to see if Brad and Janet want to play or pass.

                    (SHOUT: "Uh, we're gonna pass, Richard") and/or

                    (SHOUT: "I feel a disturbance in the force")

                    (SHOUT: "Tell Bird Shit how he is in bed")

Floor Manager: Great, Bert.

Bert: Congratulations.

                    (SHOUT: "Ejaculations! Ejaculations!")

          I think you've made a wise decision.

                    (SHOUT: "That's Weiss")

                    (SHOUT: "Not anymore") or

                    (ECHO: "I think you've made a mess in your pants") or

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Hey Janet, where do you like to get fucked?")

Janet: But, but I...

Brad: Janet, I'm not going.

                    (SHOUT: "I told you to go before the movie started") or

                    (SHOUT: "You're not coming either")

Janet: What do you mean you're not going? Bert made all the arrangements.

                    (SHOUT: "Music score by Bert Schnicks!") or

                    (SHOUT: "Thank you, Mr. Bacharach")

Brad: But I don't need treatment.

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Brad's got a drinking problem")

(Brad knocks over a pitcher of water)

Bert: But you do need glasses, eh, stupid?

                    (SHOUT: "How else is he suppose to drink the water?") or

                    (SHOUT: "He has glasses, stupid!")

(We can see Brad's microphone shake in the foreground)

                    (AP: Run up to the microphone on the screen and shake it)

          Doesn't he customers?

                    (SHOUT: "Cleanup in aisle 5") or

                    (SHOUT: "Bert's an orchestra conducter")

(Bert waves his blind cane at the audience).

                    (AP: As Bert waves his cane, like an orchestra conducter, make orchestra sounds)

Janet: I am sick of being humiliated by you.

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Which hand does Bert jack off with?")

          Bert's right. You're going.
 
 

(Song: "Bitchin' In The Kitchen")
 
 

Male announcer: It looks like Brad and Janet are heavily amazed today.

                    (SHOUT/sing: "Baby I'm amazed…")

          Here's some more prizes to amaze, here on Marriage Maze.

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Let's sing a song about kitchen appliances")

                    (SHOUT: "Hey Brad, where do you put your penis?") or

                    (SHOUT: "What do you call the tractor that chopped up Bambi?")

Brad: Dear blender

                    (SHOUT: "Has any one seen my baby?")

          Oh won't you help a first offender

                    (SHOUT: "O.J.")

          Oh, toaster

                    (SHOUT: "Pop tarts")

                    (AP: Throw toast)

                    (SHOUT: "Alright, who threw the toaster?")

          Don't you put the burn on me.

                    (SHOUT: "What do you call Janet's crotch?")

          Refrigerator

          Why are we always sooner or later

                    (SHOUT/sing: "Love is Gonna Getcha…")

          Bitchin' in the kitchen or cryin' in the bedroom allnight

                    (ECHO: "Bitchin' in the kitchin or fuckin' in the bedroom all night.") or

                    (ECHO: "Bitchin' in the kitchin or fuckin' with a dildo all night.")

          Dear knife drawer

                    (SHOUT: "OJ performs an abortion")

          Now, won't you help me to face life more

                    (SHOUT: "What do you call Janet's crotch?")

          Oh, trashcan

                    (AP: Throw wadded up sheets of paper)

          Don't you put the dirt on me

          Oh perculator

                    (SHOUT: "Looks like a coffee pot to me")

          Why are we always sooner or later

                    (ECHO: "Oh Darth Vader, why can't I use the force some more later")

          Bitchin' in the kitchen or cryin' in the bedroom all night.

                    (ECHO: "Bitchin' in the kitchin or fuckin' in the bedroom all night.") or

                    (ECHO: "Bitchin' in the kitchin or fuckin' with a dildo all night.")

                    (SHOUT: "Ladies and Gentlemen, Janet, as a bass")

Janet: Everything used to be okay

                    (ECHO: "all gay")

          But I've been had

                    (SHOUT: "by everybody") or

                    (SHOUT: "by")

          Brad, I'm glad to say...

                    (ECHO: "Brad's a fag today")

          ..is on his way

                    (ECHO: "He seems so gay") or

                    (ECHO: "So get away")

          Micro-digital awaker

(We see a digital clock with the numbers changing fast)

                    (SHOUT: "Time is speeding") or

                    (SHOUT: "Looks like a clock to me")

          Why are we always sooner or later

          Bitchin' in the kitchen or cryin' in the bedroom all night.

                    (ECHO: "Bitchin' in the kitchin or fuckin' in the bedroom all night.") or

                    (ECHO: "Bitchin' in the kitchin or fuckin' with a dildo all night.")

                    (SHOUT: "It's a Stevie Wonder cameo")

(Bert walks across the set and smiles)

          Shower curtains

                    (AP: Make the knife-stabbing squeals related to the "Psycho" scene)

                    (AP: Squirt waterguns)

          Oh won't you help me to be certain.

                    (SHOUT: "What do you use for lubrication?")

          Oh, toothpaste

                    (SHOUT: "Gleam!")

                    (SHOUT: "I use Vagisil") or

                    (SHOUT: "Can we squeeze your tits?")

          Don't you put the squeeze on me

          Depilitator

                    (ECHO: "Deep penitrator")

          Why are we always sooner or later

                    (ECHO: "I hope I'll come sooner or later")

          Bitchin' in the kitchen or cryin' in the bedroom all night.

                    (ECHO: "Bitchin' in the kitchin or fuckin' in the bedroom all night.") or

                    (ECHO: "Bitchin' in the kitchin or fuckin' with a dildo all night.") or

                    (ECHO: "Fuckin' in the kitchen or sleepin' with a dildo all night")

(Ricky comes onto the set with a wheel chair)

                    (SHOUT: "For one night only, it's Dr. Scott's wheelchair!")

Male announcer: And now it's back to Marriage Maze. And for those of you who are Dentonvale watchers, here's our
suprise guest. Yes, and here's Bert!

                    (SHOUT: "Hey, Lucy, I'm home!")

Bert: Hey folks, it's Ricky from the rest home.

                    (ECHO: "Restroom")

Ricky: Hey Bert!

                    (SHOUT OVER: "My hand is dirty")

(Bert slaps Bert five)

Bert: Hey Ricky

                    (SHOUT: "You're so fine, you're so fine, and I'm so blind, hey Ricky!")

Ricky: I've come for Mr. Majors.

                    (SHOUT: "He'll come for anyone") or

                    (SHOUT: "Everyone comes for Mr. Majors") or

                    (SHOUT: "We can make him better, stronger, faster") or

                    (SHOUT: "Here, let me get you a kleenex") or

                    (SHOUT: "But will Mr. Majors come for you?") or

                    (SHOUT: "Did he say he'd come for Mr. Rogers?")

Bert: Brad will learn how to care in a surgical chair.

                    (SHOUT: "And learn how to fuck in an ambulance truck") or

                    (SHOUT: "We're writing a new sequel")

Ricky: Nothing, uh, serious I hope.

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Wanna fuck a chicken?")

Janet: Oh no, no. Just a routine checkup.

                    (SHOUT: "Put your feet in the stirrups and relax")

Bert: Just a routine checkup, eh, viewers?

                    (SHOUT: "Is there an echo in here?") and/or

                    (SHOUT: "Sing to us, oh bitchy one") or

                    (SHOUT: "And now a potato farm advertisement")

Janet: Tell me spectators

                    (ECHO: "Sell me potaters") or

                    (ECHO: "Smell me, spectators") or

                    (ECHO: "Tell me, vibrator")

          Why are we always sooner or later

                    (ECHO: "Why can't Brad have his orgasms later?")

          Bitchin' in the kitchen or cryin' in the bedroom all night."

                    (ECHO: "Bitchin' in the kitchin or fuckin' in the bedroom all night.") or

                    (ECHO: "Bitchin' in the kitchin or fuckin' with a dildo all night.")

                    (SHOUT: "Her hair is tied in a severe bun") or

                    (SHOUT: "What a tight bun!")

(Brad is shoved down into the seat of the wheelchair)

                    (AP: Make the sound of a whoopie cushion fart).

(They exit stage)

Male announcer: Ha ha ha!

(Bert dances wildly)

                    (SHOUT/sing: "Hey, Macarena")

          Well, Bert's done it again. Another rocky marriage is headed for intensive care.

                    (SHOUT: "Like Ralph and Betty's") or

                    (SHOUT: "And another O'Brien movie is headed downhill")

Bert: The subject is committed...

                    (SHOUT: "Hey Bert, I'm bored with this movie!")

          ..as are we all.

                    (SHOUT: "And now, E.R. Live")
 
 

(Scene change to "Dentonvale" logo)

                    (SHOUT: "OH SHIT!!! NOT AGAIN!!!!")

Announcer: Dentonvale, The Arrival, introducing Brad and Janet Majors.

                    (SHOUT: "…and Charlie Sheen")

(Camera enters Cosmo's office where we see Cosmo and Nation McKinley sitting behind a desk.)

                    (SHOUT: "Riff Raff! What happened to your hair?!")

Cosmo: Ah, Mr. and Mrs. Majors, how wonderful to see you.

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Quick! Name change!")

          I'm Dr. Cosmo McKinley

                    (AP: Shout "Whoop!" as he swipes his name sign with his finger; repeat it with Nation's name as well)

          and this is my sister and

                    (SHOUT: "Lover")

          colleague

                    (SHOUT: "Same thing")

          Dr. Nation McKinley.

                    (SHOUT: "Looks like an under-developed nation, if you ask me")

Nation: We understand you've been going through a rather trying time.

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Have you tried oral sex?")

Janet: Well, yes. We have.

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Stand up and take it like an asshole")

(Brad takes defense, standing)

Brad: Now, now, now listen. There, there's nothing really wrong with me.

(Ricky injects Brad in the neck)

                    (SHOUT: "Another asshole getting poked")

          Janet and I haven't been getting along too well lately and I had a little

                    (SHOUT: "Dick?")

          little trouble

                    (SHOUT: "Staying up? Try Viagra") or

                    (SHOUT: "Getting any")

(Brad falls on the desk-top)

                    (SHOUT: "Live from New York! It's Saturday Night!")

Janet: Oh Brad!

Cosmo: Ooh, does he do this often?

Janet: No, he's never done this before.

                    (ECHO: "No, he's never fallen on desks before.") or

                    (SHOUT: "Get an erection?")

Cosmo: Good, then there's still hope. Lots and lots of hope.

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Bob Hope, Mount Hope, Ryan's Hope")

Nation: If anyone can help Brad, we can.

(Nurse Ansalong enters room)

                    (SHOUT: "Helloooo Nurse") or

                    (SHOUT: "Columbia, what happened to your hair?")

Janet: Well, he does need help.

Cosmo: Ah, nurse Ansalong, you've arrived.

Ansalong: Oh, that was real short notice because the other monkeys...

                    (SHOUT: "Fran Drescher!") and/or

                    (SHOUT: "Shut up…")

Nation: Attend to Mr. Majors.

Cosmo: Just one or two formalities that have to be dealt with, Mrs. Majors.

(Ansalong bends over)

                    (SHOUT: "You bend over, I'll drive") or

                    (SHOUT: "Look, new faces") or

                    (SHOUT: "Servants enter from the rear")

(Cosmo swats Ansalong's butt with papers)

          A contract to be signed.

                    (SHOUT: "A rear entry form")

Janet: Could I do that later, please?

Nation: Of course, you can, Mrs. Majors.

(Brad, Janet, Ansalong, and Ricky leave room)

                    (SHOUT: "Goodbyyye Nurse")

Ansalong: (whispering) Sign the contract tomorrow.

                    (SHOUT: "Under the B is W")

Cosmo: (chasing after them, with Nation at his side, the door hits him in the face) Ouch!

                    (SHOUT: "Damn murphy beds!") or

                    (SHOUT/sing: "Watch out for that tree!")

          Mrs. Majors, just one or two details. Does Brad have any living relatives

                    (ECHO: "...any toupees?")

          any blood relatives?

                    (ECHO "...any used toupees?") or

                    (SHOUT: "Count Dracula?")

Janet: No, he doesn't. Can I take care of this later?

Nation: Of course.

                    (SHOUT: "I think your sister is in the mood for some S and M")

(Nation swats Cosmo)

                    (SHOUT: "Incest is best. A family that eats together, beats together") or

                    (SHOUT: "Thank you, Mistress, may I have another?")

Janet: Why did you tell me not to sign now?

                    (SHOUT: "It's important for the plot")

Ansalong: Well, that way you get the first day

                    (ECHO: "lay")

          free.

                    (SHOUT: "Thank you, Kato Kaelin") or

                    (SHOUT: "Goodbyyye Nurse")

(They enter the cage room. The sign on the door reads "Terminal Ward")

                    (SHOUT: "How's the beaver's condition, June? It's terminal, Ward.")
 
 

(Scene switches to the Marriage Maze show, with Janet's parents, Harry and Emily)

Male Announcer: Here's Bert, that eternal show biz whiz, with a family connection in the thirty second quiz.

                    (ECHO: "Jizz")

Bert: As Janet's parents, this should be really easy

                    (SHOUT: "Like Janet")

Emily: About Brad's family?

                    (SHOUT: "What's your damage?")

Bert: Your last clue is...

                    (SHOUT: "Mrs. Peacock in the study")

          Mental instability. You have thirty seconds.

                    (SHOUT: "Or your pizza's free")

Harry: Mental instability?

Emily: He was adopted, you know.

                    (ECHO: "He's an asshole, you know")

Harry: Oh yeah, I had forgotten.

                    (SHOUT: "How can you forget your asshole?") or

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Who farted?")

Emily: Well, I hadn't. I was worried about inherited craziness when they married. I said to Janet, What do we know
about his parents?

                    (SHOUT: "They died laughing") or

                    (SHOUT: "From Smallville")

Bert: Which leads us to...

                    (SHOUT: "Oz!") or

                    (SHOUT: "God!") then

                    (SHOUT: "The secret password for today is….infantile regression") or

                    (whispered chant SHOUT: "Infantile regression, infantile regression, infantile regression...")

Male announcer: This afternoon's surprise prize, Bert, which is a delirious stay in that evergreen series, Happy
Homes, with unlimited use of a new dream kitchen.

                    (SHOUT: "Compliments of Barbie")

                    (end of whispered chant SHOUT: "...infantile regression.")

Emily: Infantile regression?

                    (SHOUT: "Does she have herpes?") or

                    (SHOUT: "Alright, who has syphillis?")

Bert: You got it.

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Hey, Emily, fake an orgasm")

Emily: (overly excited) I got it? I got it!

Harry: She got it, she got it!

(The screen displays a flashing message, over and over: Jackpot, Happy Homes.)

                    (SHOUT over and over: "Jackoff Happy Homos, jackoff happy homos,...")

Emily: Oh, I got it!

                    (SHOUT: "Raise your hand if you're sure")

Harry: (raising a proud fist into the air) Hey, Bert, how about that? She got it!

                    (SHOUT: "Now everyone's got it!")

Bert: Congratulations and its Happy Homes to Harry and Emily Weiss of Denton.

                    (ECHO: "Berwyn")

(Scene switches to show Farley in his office, watching the show)

Farley: Ha ha.

                    (SHOUT: "Must see TV, my ass") or

                    (SHOUT: "Breast adjustment") or

                    (SHOUT: Hey, Emily, show us your titties!")
 
 

(Scene switches to TV monitor where Emily claps her hands close to her chest, screaming "I got it!" - the scene now takes place in Cosmo's
office, where Cosmo is filing and Nation and Bert sit across from each other at the desk)

Bert: She got it! She got the big one!

                    (ECHO: "She got it! She got the big ones!")

          Infantile regression!

Nation: Our speciality.

                    (SHOUT: "What?")

Bert: Your speciality.

                    (SHOUT: "Oh")

Cosmo: I can't wait to begin on him.

                    (SHOUT: "I bet you say that to all the boys")

          Really Bert, I don't know what we'd do without you.

                    (SHOUT: "But we'd like to try")

Bert: I must confess, the decision to have Brad committed was not strictly my own.

                    (SHOUT: "Bert's got Roman fingers")

(Bert's fingers find their way to Nation)

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Do you know any sluts? I don't…")

Cosmo: No, of course. There's Janet. But if she was so keen on getting him in here, why wouldn't she sign the
contract?

                    (SHOUT: "Nudity clause")

Bert: No, it wasn't Janet, exactly. It was, in fact, your new sponsor.

                    (SHOUT: "Nike") or

                    (SHOUT: "What?")

Cosmo: Sponser?

                    (SHOUT: "Oh")

Bert: Dentonvale has been sold.

                    (SHOUT: "What?")

Cosmo: Sold?

                    (SHOUT: "Oh") or

                    (SHOUT/sing: "Signed, sealed, delivered…")

Nation: Dear old Bert settled everything.

Bert: Yeah, you endorse his Faith Factory and he endorses your research.

                    (SHOUT: "Watch out for your fingers!") and/or

                    (SHOUT: "Get paranoid, Cosmo!")

Cosmo: He--

(Cosmo slams the file drawer shut)

                    (SHOUT: "Ow, my fingers!") or

                    (SHOUT: "Get REALLY paranoid, Cosmo!")

          --How dare this person take advantage of my weakness!

                    (ECHO: "How dare this person take advantage of my hair!") then quickly:

                    (SHOUT: "He wants to fuck you in the ass")

Nation: I don't think he intends to go that far.

                    (SHOUT: "Want some more cocaine, Cosmo?")

(Cosmo turns away, perhaps in shame or frustration. The top file cabinet drawer reads the letters A and H)

                    (SHOUT: "What does the A-H stand for?" - "Asshole!" - "That's where you file your asshole." - "How do you
                    file your asshole?" - "With 20-grit toilet paper")

(Bert and Nation laugh, Cosmo continues to look down at file cabinet, as scene switches to the terminal ward.)
 
 

(Song: "In My Own Way")
 
 

(Scene shows Ansalong leaving the ward, while Janet circles the cage Brad is locked in)

                    (SHOUT: "Tell us his name Dr. Lecteur")

Janet: If only you knew how to win some prizes

                    (ECHO: "Find my G-spot") or

                    (SHOUT: "I didn't know Brad was in The Birdcage")

          If only you knew how to play

                    (ECHO: "...Ralph was gay") or

                    (SHOUT: "Strip poker")

          If you could sleep nights and stop your crying

(Scene shows TV monitor with Janet as focus. Above the monitor is a red light. Below the monitor is a green light.)

                    (SHOUT: "If red means stop, and green means go, then the middle means AAAAHHHH!!!")

          Then you might find out I still love you in my own way.

                    (SHOUT: "There's not enough white halls in this movie!")

          If that's not enough then I am so sorry I met you

          It was almost like leading you on.

                    (SHOUT: "A leash") or

                    (SHOUT/sing: "Lead on me, when you're not strong…")

          But there's more to it all

          than just wringing your heart out

          over something that keeps on going wrong.

                    (SHOUT: "Hey Janet, we don't love you in this movie!")

          So don't tell me you love me

                    (SHOUT: "What does abstainence mean?")

          How am I supposed to know what that means?

                   (SHOUT: "What are the rules of prostition?") or

                   (SHOUT: "Never having to say you're sorry")

          No, don't sell emotion

          You can't find devotion

                    (ECHO: "You can't use my lotion")

          if you're falling apart at the seams

                    (ECHO: "If you're slutting your stuff on the streets") or

                    (SHOUT: "Like a rag doll")

          I hope that you smile when you reach your conclusion

                    (ECHO: "...orgasm") or

                    (SHOUT: "We all will")

          I hope that you'll know just what to say

                    (ECHO: "I hope that you know that Ralph is gay")

          But if it should mean

                    (SHOUT: "What's your favorite Journey song?")

          that the party is over

                    (SHOUT: "Mine, too") or

                    (SHOUT/sing: "And I'll cry if I want to")

          You should know that I still love you

                    (SHOUT: "What?")

          You should know that I still love you

                    (SHOUT: "Oh")

          You should know that I still love you in my own way

                    (SHOUT: "What?")

          In my own way

                    (SHOUT: "Oh")

          In my own way

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Is that Jack Nicholson following her?")

          In my own way.

(The doors open up revealing Emily)

                    (SHOUT: "Heeeere's Mommy!")
 
 



 


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