(Emily is carrying a dress she made as she comforts Janet)

Emily: Oh my poor baby.

                    (SHOUT: "You should have made a rich one")

Janet: Oh mom, its Brad.

Emily: I know, I know baby. He's gonna get all the help he needs. But in the mean time, look, for you.

(Emily hands Janet a new pink outfit. Janet is impressed by it and tries to get in words of praise but Emily keeps
talking over her.)

          They call it a new look in an old favorite.

(Emily bites the thread near the dress' chestline)

                    (SHOUT: "Don't bite her tit!")

          I copied it from the window on the world show. The Far East meets The Midwest.

                    (SHOUT/sing: "Turning Japanese, I think I'm turning Japanese, I really think so")

Janet: Mom its -

                    (SHOUT: "The dress my Aunt was buried in") or

                    (SHOUT: "Princess Di's dress")

Emily: Its just what the doctor ordered. I know. Come on in. My favorite show just started.

Janet: What show?

Emily: Dentonvale.

                    (SHOUT: "OH SHIT!!! NOT AGAIN!!!")

(Scene switches to Nurse Ansalong bending over to feed Brad in the Terminal ward just after Ricky left.)

                    (SHOUT: "No wonder she's the head nurse. Lower, lower...")

(Scene switches to a monitor showing the opening sequence screen to Happy Homes.)

Announcer: Love Starts in the home and where better to find this than in today's happy homes.

                    (ECHO: "Happy Homos")

(Scene switches to Emily's kitchen, where we see a cereal box with a black man on it.)

          With guest star Janet Majors.

                    (ECHO: "Bill Cosby") or

                    (SHOUT: "as the Beaver")

(In the background we can see a package of Charmin toilet tissue, and a CHOCK FULL O' NUTS Coffee can)

                    (SHOUT: "Don't squeeze the Charmin, part 5") and

                    (SHOUT: "How ironic - Chock Full o' Nuts and Brad in the same movie!")

(Emily is getting ready to pour a cup of coffee for Janet and herself.)

                    (SHOUT when you see the coffee pot: "Has anyone seen my spitoon?") and/or

                    (SHOUT in reference to a scene in Bitchin' In The Kitchen: "Looks like a perculator to me.")

Janet: Oh, thanks.

(The camera switches to the back door, where Harry is entering, wiping the sweat from his brow.)

                    (SHOUT: "I AM Tiger Woods")

(As an announcer begins talking in the background on a commercial, Harry walks towards the refridgerator.)

                    (SHOUT: "Has anyone seen my golfball?")

(Harry opens the fridge door and looks inside)

                    (SHOUT: "Nope, not in there.")

(Harry gives a look of frustration, swinging a fist in the air slightly)

                    (SHOUT: "Damn") or

                    (Beavis & Butthead SHOUT: "Heh heh, he got wood")

(Harry takes off his hat and practices his putting behind Janet and Emily. We can see that Janet has now changed into the new outfit her
mother gave her. Emily attempts to pin a flower on Janet's breast)

                    (AP: When the pin touches Janet's chest, make a "ssss" sound, as though air were escaping).

Harry: Oh for crying out loud, Emily, leave her alone. She's not a kid.

Emily: Well I wanted to see her in it.

                    (SHOUT: "It's better than seeing her out of it")

Janet: Its really very nice.

Emily: The material is imported…

                    (SHOUT: "From Skokie")

          …Taiwanese

                    (SHOUT/sing: "Turning Taiwanese, I think I'm turning Taiwanese, I really think so").

Harry: Damn it Emily, she's not interested.

Emily: What are you trying to do Harry, start an argument?

(Harry has his knees pressed together oddly)

                    (SHOUT: "Dad's gotta go pee!")

          Don't you want your daughter to look pretty?

Harry: Who's she got to look pretty for?

                    (SHOUT: "Fabio")

Emily: She's got a husband.

Harry: She's got a weirdo!

                    (ECHO: "...an asshole!")

          I've never been able to afford the time to havea nervous breakdown.

                    (SHOUT: "My visa's maxed out!")

Janet: Oh, poor Brad.

Emily: Thank God he was born an orphan. It would have killed his parents.

                    (SHOUT: "They died laughing")

                    (NOTE: In the background, you hear laughter)

          And thank goodness he hasn't ended up like that Slibstrini boy.

Harry: What are you talking about. Danny Slibstrini is a chip off the old block.

                    (SHOUT: "Chip got evicted")

          Why, I played 18 holes of golf with his father just last week

                    (Beavis & Butthead SHOUT: "Heh heh, he said Holes")

          and Hank says that Danny's moved to New York to better himself.

                    (ECHO: "Butter himself")

Emily: He moved all right.

                    (SHOUT: "A bowel movement")

          And they found him at the back of Wilson's bakery

                    (SHOUT: "With a bun in the oven")

          naked,with fifteen other men.

                    (SHOUT: "Fruit filled") or

                    (SHOUT: "What kind of men?")

Janet: Mexicans.

                    (SHOUT: "Que?")

(Harry puts on a face of disgust and disbelief and misses the putt.)

                    (SHOUT: "If he fucks like he golfs, he'll never make the hole") or

                    (SHOUT: "At least Danny got a hole in one!")

(Harry throws his putter, grabs his hat and heads for the door.)

Harry: I'm gonna catch up on a few jobs that need doing outside.

                    (SHOUT: "Like mowing the garage") or

                    (SHOUT: "OJ needs an alibi") or

                    (SHOUT: "Blowjobs, handjobs")

(Harry slams door)

Male Announcer: We return to Dentonvale after this important message.

                    (SHOUT: "Sasquatch" }

Emily: You shouldn't have said that.

Janet: But why?

                    (ECHO: "Why not?")

Emily: Your father doesn't like Mexicans.

(Scene changes to a shot of the crowd. Emily's last line is repeated over PA system.)

                    (SHOUT OVER: "It's the Mark Fhurman fan club")

Audience: YEAH!!!
 
 

(Song - "Thank God I'm A Man")
 
 

(Scene switch to the Weiss's garage door opening up.)

                    (SHOUT: "Why is he mowing his garage?") or

                    (SHOUT: "Garth Brooks, unplugged") or

                    (SHOUT/sing: "Convoy…")

(Harry starts his lawnmower)

                    (SHOUT: "Mowing the Astro Turf, part one")

                    (SHOUT: "Stand for the Republican National Antham")

                    (NOTE: There is a clever ECHO to shout over the first 3 lines or so of the next song. Time it out carefully: "How'd
                    you do, I see you've met my faithful Lawnmower Man")

Harry: A man should call the toss

                    (SHOUT: "Heads or tails") and/or

                    (SHOUT: "I want head")

          Wear the pants, and be the boss

                    (SHOUT: "Bruce")

          A man should be the

                    (ECHO: "eat a")

          drake

                    (SHOUT: "Duck you!")

          For his own damn sake

          And men should be the misters

                    (ECHO: "Fisters")

          And the masters

          of their sisters

                    (ECHO: "...and the baters")

          A man should be the reason

          for a heart to break

                    (ECHO: "For his cock to ache")

Marines: So, be moral

                    (ECHO: "immoral") or

                    (SHOUT: "The evolution of man")

          Don't quarrel

                    (ECHO: "a squirel")

          Fair and square is best

                    (ECHO: "let 'em feel your chest")

Women: Let me alert you

(The ladies have their hand on their chest, the other in the air)

                    (SHOUT: "Do you see a flag?")

          that virtue won't hurt you or desert you

                    (SHOUT: "Pussy Whip")

Men: If you wear hair on your chest

                    (ECHO: "If you keep beer in a chest") or

                    (ECHO: "If you wear hair on your nuts")

Audience: So always remember to follow the rules.

Men: Box clever

Men: Jock's never

                    (SHOUT: "Sit down!")

Harry: (takes off golf hat) Hock another jock's tools!

                    (ECHO: "Grab another jock's jewels")

(Harry starts up mower again)

                    (SHOUT: "Mowing the Astro Turf, part two")

                    (AP: During thisd next verse, you have the opportunity to hum the theme to Underdog, "ooh, wah ooh, wah
                    ooh...etc.)

          A man should wax a car

                    (ECHO: "his knob")

          and fix a fuse and tend a bar

                    (SHOUT: "Like Tim Allen")

          A man should like his brow to be wet with sweat

                    (ECHO: "cum")

          Men should know the right occasions

          To indulge in tax evasions

                    (ECHO: "Sex liaisons")

          A man should know the settings

                    (ECHO: "spankings")

          that his spark plugs get

                    (ECHO: "hot dog gets")

                    (SHOUT: "What did you have in your ass last night?")

          Faggots are

                    (ECHO: "and")

          maggots

          Thank god I'm a man

                    (ECHO: "...one too") and/or

                    (SHOUT: "Well gollee, Sgt. Carter")

(Harry salutes and the garage door starts to close)

                    (SHOUT: "The home improvement garage door opener - grunt grunt!") or

                    (SHOUT: "Who did you have in your ass last night?")

(The closed door reveals the presidential seal)

                    (SHOUT: "Bill Clinton?!") and/or

                    (SHOUT: "He carries the Bill Clinton seal of approval")

                    (SHOUT: "He left a stain on his lawnmower")
 
 

Scene switch to Dentonvale conference room. Ansalong is wheeling in a cart of fruit and wine.)

                    (SHOUT: "Okay, who ordered the fruit platter appetizer to the television entre?")

(At the table sit Bert, Nation and Cosmo)

Bert: What a meal! Scrumptious mine leibeling. I insist on the recipe.

                    (SHOUT: "It's leftover meatloaf!")

Nation: Coming from a gourmet that's praise indeed.

                    (SHOUT: "Why do you smell good?")

Secrets.

                    (SHOUT: "Made for a woman")

Cosmo: With Fast Food Farley at the helm it'll probably be TV dinners from now on.

                    (SHOUT: "Like Meatloaf?")

Bert: Farley is already a TV winner

                    (ECHO: "Weiner")

          as we shall see

                    (SHOUT: "He'll be NBCing you and I'm not CBSing")

(Bert pushes buttons.)

                    (SHOUT: "Hold my calls, Mrs. Hawiggons")

(Ricky wheels in a TV set)

                    (SHOUT: "Alright, who ordered the television, well done?") and/or

                    (SHOUT: "Take the dinner out of the microwave before you bring it out!") or

                    (SHOUT: "Is this what he meant by TV Dinner?")

          Dentonvale will run forever now that his interest has embraced mental hygiene.

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Where can we have an orgy?") or

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Where can we have a picnic?")

Nation: Our field.

                    (SHOUT: "I hate chiggers!")
 
 

(Scene switch to the Research Lab. Oliver and Betty are sitting, talking)

Oliver: You know, I'm convinced that its some kind of conspiracy.

Betty: Conspiracy?

                    (SHOUT: "The X-Files in 30 years, with Moldy & Scuzzy")

Oliver: Mm hmm

Betty: That sounds a little far fetched

                    (SHOUT: "That's why they call it a conspiracy theory")

Oliver: Oh I don't know. Remember Lieutenant Orpheous? He disappeared into that underworld series and never
came back.

                    (SHOUT: "I'd disappear too if my last name was Oriface") or

                    (SHOUT: "Sliders")

Betty: Sounds like my husband. He never came back either.

                    (SHOUT: "He came when I was with him") or

                    (SHOUT: "He never came, period.")

Oliver: Ha ha ha.

Betty: Not after Flavors gave him a commercial break.

                    (ECHO: "...blow job.")

Oliver: Ah yes, Farley flavors. You know I find it remarkable that his Faith Factory is being financed by an entire
nations indigestion. Ha ha ha ha ha.

                    (SHOUT: "I made a funny") and/or

                    (SHOUT: "I don't get it.")
 
 

(Scene shift back to Dentonvale conference room)

Bert: Who do you think gave you the next episode?

                    (SHOUT: "The writers?") or

                    (SHOUT: "Aaron Spelling")

(Bert hands nation a folder with a red heart on the front)

                    (SHOUT: "I Love Lucy!") or

                    (SHOUT: "Love connection")

          So that Janet will be free to front line the new Faith Factory Show.

                    (SHOUT: "Janet's already free")

                    (SHOUT: "I'll take 5 dollars worth")

                    (SHOUT: "It's still free")

Cosmo: We're the experts.

Bert: Who trusts e-e-experts?

                    (SHOUT: "I-I-I do")

Nation: Why Janet?

Bert: Everyone loves the girl next door.

(Bites into an apple)

                    (SHOUT: "Everybody's had the girl next door")

          Particularly Farley.

                    (SHOUT: "He's had her twice!")

Nation: So it seems.

                    (SHOUT: "Let's play charades") or

                    (SHOUT: "Hey, half a worm!")

(Bert and Nation burst out laughing. Bert sprays apple from his mouth)

                    (SHOUT: "Look, I'm a zit. Get it?") or

                    (SHOUT: "I like seafood, don't you?")
 

Scene shift back to Research Lab. Knock at the door)

Betty: (laughing) Come in.

                    (SHOUT: "and out, and in, and out, and in")

Ralph: Oh, hi.

Oliver: Hi.

Betty: Hi.

Ralph: Oh, I just came to give you this Betty.

(Ralph hands her an envelope)

          (SHOUT: "It's a fuck you note")

Betty: Oh well thank you.

Ralph: You're welcome

          (SHOUT OVER: "Sobriety check")

Macy: (entering) Hi.

Oliver: Hi.

Ralph: Hi.

Betty: Hi.

                    (SHOUT: "Everybody's high")

Ralph: Oh we'd better get going.

                    (SHOUT: "I'd rather be coming")

          Tomorrow's the big one and, uh, Farley expects.

                    (SHOUT: "A blow job") or

                    (SHOUT: "To be fucked")

Oliver: Oh, you bet.

                    (SHOUT: "I fold")

Ralph: Uh huh.

Oliver: Uh huh.

                    (SHOUT/sing: "Uh huh, Da da da")

Ralph: I guess we'd better leave you young things to it.

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Sexuality check")

Betty: Bye.

Oliver: Bye.

Macy: Bye.

Ralph: Bye.

Oliver: Bye.

                    (SHOUT: "Everybody's Bi")

(Ralph and Macy exit.)

                    (SHOUT: "I drank too much beer")

(Betty gets up)

                    (SHOUT: "I feel sick")

(Betty opens the door)

Betty: Oh Ralph.

                    (AP: Make vomit sound)

Ralph: Yes?

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Take this job and…")

Betty: Shove it!

Ralph: Oh, you shove it too, Betty!

                    (SHOUT: "I will! Now where's that dildo?")

                    (SHOUT: "Up your ass")

(Betty slams the door and walks back to her seat)

Betty: Alimony is just another word for rape.

                    (SHOUT: "Alimony! Alimony!") or

                    (SHOUT: "Tell that to Tori Amos")

(Betty opens the envelope)

                    (SHOUT: "I know what you did last summer")

          Conspiracy is right! The Denton Dossier is...

                    (ECHO: "The X-Files are...") or

                    (ECHO: "Janet's legs are...")

Oliver: Closed.

                    (SHOUT: "That's it. I want my 5 dollars back")

                    (SHOUT: "Hey, Chuck, drop that tack")

(Oliver drops a tack into his stationary holder)

                    (SHOUT: "That's tacky") or

                    (SHOUT: "Now he has no tact")
 
 

MUSIC - DENTONVALE ORGAN MUSIC (Dentonvale opening)

Announcer: Dentonvale,

                    (SHOUT: "OH SHIT!!! NOT AGAIN!!!!")

        special guest star: Janet Majors.

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Who's LaToya's sister?")

Cosmo & Nation: Janet!

                    (SHOUT: "No, Michael") or

                    (SHOUT: "Norm!")

Janet: I've come to see Brad.

                    (SHOUT, in reference to The Wizzard Of Oz's gatekeeper: "Nobody ever sees Brad. Not no way, not no how") or

                    (SHOUT: "Get the mop") or

                    (SHOUT: "At least she came")

Nation: That's out of the question. He's sleeping like a baby.

                    (SHOUT: "We have to change his diapers every two hours...or every two pounds") or

                    (SHOUT: "He wakes up every two hours crying")

Cosmo: Its you we're concerned about Janet.

Nation: Yes Janet. How are you? Are you happy?

Janet: Well I'm happy.

                    (SHOUT/sing: "If your happy and you know it clap your hands")

Cosmo: There are countless people in this world Janet who believe that they're happy

                    (SHOUT: "But that doesn't count") or

                    (SHOUT: "Scientologists")

Nation: But they only think that they're happy.

                    (SHOUT OVER: "One plus one equals three")

Janet: Oh well that doesn't make any sense.

Bert:This might, Janet.

(Bert turns on the TV)

                    (SHOUT/sing: "Sunny days, sweeping the clouds away")

                    (SHOUT: "What's the worst thing to see when you wake up in the morning?")

(Farley's image is on TV. His back is to us. Suddenly, he turns around to face us)

                    (SHOUT in fear: "Aahhh!") and/or

                    (SHOUT: "What's your favorite conjunction?")

Farley: And...a big Denton welcome to my new delegation.

                    (SHOUT: "Fuck you very much")

          This is Farley and I'm here with the score.

                    (SHOUT: "What's the score? One from the vaults")

          We're gonna package and sell some mental health for the nation with my dream of the girl next door.

                    (SHOUT: "Connie Francis") or

                    (SHOUT: "A wet dream") and then

                    (SHOUT: "The 64-thousand dollar question is...?")
 
 

(Song - "Farley's Song")
 
 

                    (SHOUT: "And now a song about The Time Warp")

Farley: Oh, why aren't they doing tomorrow's new dance steps the way they used to yesterday?

                    (SHOUT: "Cause then they wouldn't be tomorrow's") or

                    (SHOUT: "I still do the rock") or

                    (SHOUT: "Twitch twitch")

          And who draws a perfect circle anymore?

                    (SHOUT: "Like a circle jerk") or

                    (SHOUT: "It's the return of the thin, white Duke") or

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Hey Janet, What does abstanance mean?")

(Janet looks perplexed)

          And if your waiting for greatness to shake hands with you

          You'd better daydream your life away

                    (SHOUT: "Like high school")

          I've only wanted one thing and that's for sure.

                    (ECHO: "...and that's a blow") or

                    (SHOUT: "A blowjob")

(Cosmo, Nation, Ricky, and Ansalong begin dancing around the television)

                    (SHOUT: "It's the solid gold dancers before they became Christians")

Cosmo, Nation, Ricky, and Ansalong: Your not just looking at a fast food king

                    (SHOUT/sing: "Walk like an Egyptian")

(The dancers "walk like Egyptians" - as in the song)

          Just another well known face

          Your not looking at the king of anything

(Nurse Ansalong climbs on top of the TV set)

                    (SHOUT: "Columbia always wanted to be on television") or

                    (SHOUT: "Now there's a set of bunny ears")

Farley: I'm gonna shoot for the moon

          I'm gonna play high noon

                    (SHOUT OVER: "What are you gonna do tonight?")

          I'm gonna take on the entire human race.

                    (SHOUT: "Ooh, me first!") or

                    (SHOUT: "Yes!")

Cosmo, Nation, Ricky, and Ansalong: You're not looking at a king

                    (ECHO: "Queen")

Farley: You're looking at an ace!

(Ansalong wiggles her legs as she sits on the television)

                    (SHOUT: "Hey Farley, there's a beaver above you, what do ya say?")

                    (AP: Make fart noise)

          Ooooh! I've got the sight and I've seen the light

                    (SHOUT: "The Band!")

          And I'm gonna see the coming day

                    (SHOUT: "Squirt!")

          When the sun in the sky is a spotlight just for me.

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Hey, let's mess up the film")

                    (AP: Run to the screen and wiggle your hands like the hands in the movie. The audio will sound like it's messing
                    up)

                    (SHOUT: "It's the Bill Cosby show!")

          I'm gonna take some time and rock some rhyme

                    (ECHO: "Do the rock some time")

          Oh, its gonna take you're breath away

                    (SHOUT/sing: "You take my breath away")

          You'll be the front page rage of the age

          Just wait and see.

                    (SHOUT: "Second verse, same as the first")

Cosmo, Nation, Ricky, and Ansalong: Your not just looking at a fast food king

          Just another well known face

          Your not looking at the king of anything

                    (ECHO: "Queen of burger king")

(Ricky steps into our view, so we can't see the television)

                    (SHOUT: "You make a better door than window")

                    (SHOUT: "Drop Dead Fred!")

(Ricky drops down below camera view, revealing Farley on the television again)

Farley: We're gonna shoot for the moon

          We're gonna play high noon

          We're gonna take on the entire human race.

                    (SHOUT: "Me first!")

                    (SHOUT: "You were first last time!")

Cosmo, Nation, Ricky, and Ansalong: You're not looking at a king

Farley: Oh no no no no - you're looking at an ace!

                    (ECHO: "Ass")

Cosmo, Nation, Ricky, and Ansalong: You're looking at an ace!

                    (ECHO: "Ass")

Farley: You're looking at a goddamn ace!

                    (ECHO: "Ass")

Cosmo, Nation, Ricky, and Ansalong: You're looking at an ace!

                    (ECHO: "Ass")

Farley: You're looking at an ace!

                    (ECHO: "Ass")

Cosmo, Nation, Ricky, and Ansalong: You're looking at an ace!

                    (ECHO: "Ass")

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Impersonate a stutterer")

Farley: You're looking at an a - a - a - a - ace!

                    (SHOUT: "Choooooo! Excuse me")

Nation: I just love home movies. Don't you?

                    (SHOUT: "So did Tommy and Pamela") or

                    (SHOUT: "So did Rob Lowe") or

                    (SHOUT: "Only with Rob Lowe")

Farley: Times tight Janet

                    (SHOUT: "So's Janet") or

                    (ECHO: "Your pussy's tight, Janet")

          Do it right Janet

                    (SHOUT: "Just don't bite, Janet") or

                    (ECHO: "Do me right, Janet")

          Until tomorrow night

                    (SHOUT: "Who's your favorite slut?")

          Janet?

Janet: Well, Farley Flavors is - fairly flattering.

                    (SHOUT OVER: "A fucking faggot")

(Janet chuckles)

                    (SHOUT: "She's a sophmore!") or

                    (SHOUT: "I made a funny")

          But, I wanna see Brad.

                    (SHOUT: "Naked") or

                    (SHOUT: "Nobody ever sees Brad, not no way, not no how")

Nation: But the question is, Janet, does Brad want to see you? Quite frankly he hates you.

Janet: What do you mean?

                    (SHOUT: "You're a bitch")

Cosmo: Brad is harboring deep feelings of hostility towards you, Janet.

                    (SHOUT OVER, OVERLAPPING NEXT LINE: "You have to sleep with <fill in the blank with name of fan or Shock
                    Treatment Charactor>")

Janet: Towards me?

                    (SHOUT: "Yes, you.")

Cosmo: Its classical. Almost a textbook case.

                    (SHOUT: "We wrote the book") or

                    (SHOUT OVER: "You also have to sleep with <fill in the blank with name of fan or Shock Treatment charactor>")

Janet: Oh no! (starts crying and buries face in her hands)

Cosmo: That's an extremely negative response.

                    (SHOUT: "I'd be negative too if I had to sleep with <fill in the name with previous name mentioned>")

Nation: Yes Janet, leave the crying to Brad.

                    (SHOUT/sing: "He's my asshole, and I'll cry if I want to")

Janet: Is it because I'm becoming too popular?

                    (SHOUT: "Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!")

Bert: On the contrar,y Janet. He wants to see your ratings soar!

                    (ECHO: "your pussy sore")

          He needs a woman of exceptional desirability.

                    (SHOUT: "Call 1-900-Nymphos") or

                    (SHOUT: "Text 'nympho' to 66966")

                    (SHOUT: "Like Susan Sarandan")

Nation: So you see Janet, you can help us to help him.

                    (ECHO: "Blow him") and then

                    (SHOUT: "Hey Janet, do you think you can fuck everyone in the audience tonight?")

Janet: Maybe I can.
 
 

(Scene switch to Terminal Ward. Ansalong is just leaving and Ricky is locking Brad's cage. Brad sits in his chair
in a straitjacket rocking his chair.)

                    (SHOUT/sing: "Nobody knows the trouble I've seen..")

(Scene switch to Farley watching his TV.)
 
 

(Scene switch to Betty and Oliver in the research lab throwing away papers.)

                    (Start SHOUTing these lines over the start of this scene: "Here's the scripts they were going to use for the sequel
                    to Rocky Horror. Thank God we used the good one.")

(Betty proceeds to throw the papers away).

Floor Manager: (Over PA system) Standby for Faith Factory rehearsal.

Betty: I bet that Macy Struthers had a hand in this.

                    (SHOUT: "I smell fish")

Oliver: Uh huh.

Betty: We'll probably be replaced by an hour of fashion tips.

                    (SHOUT: "Get a clue Betty")

Oliver: Now Betty don't over react.

Betty: Over react?

                    (ECHO: "Overact?")

          You're the one with theories about conspiracies

                    (SHOUT: "Starring Mel Gibson and Julia Roberts") and/or

                    (SHOUT: "I want to come")

          Oliver?

                    (SHOUT: "My face, bitch") or

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Do you fuck monkeys?")

Oliver: Yes Betty?

Betty: Are you spoken for this evening?

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Do you want a blow job?")

(Oliver's brows raise)
 
 

(Scene switch to Dentonvale conference room. Cosmo and Nation are reading folders.)

                    (SHOUT: "Hey, does anyone know the morse code for S.O.S.? Hey Bert, what's the morse code for S.O.S.?") or

                    (SHOUT: "The Titanic is sinking quick! Bert, what's morse code for S.O.S?")

(Bert taps his cane on the tabletop).

                    (SHOUT: "No wonder it sank")

Bert: All right, you guys. An early start tomorrow for Janet's debut on Good Morning Denton.

                    (SHOUT: "What's a day-boo?")

          By the time we unveil Farley's Faith Factory Show we will have all earned our beauty sleep.

                    (SHOUT: "You'll need it") or

                    (SHOUT: "Sleep in tomorrow")

Janet: Could I just peep in on Brad before I go home?

                    (SHOUT: "Peep peep!") or

                    (SHOUT: "Nobody ever sees Brad, not no way, not no how")

Bert: Home?

                    (SHOUT: "A residential building, but that's not important right now.")

Janet: Home.

                    (SHOUT/sing: "On the range...") or

                    (SHOUT: "ET!")

Nation: This is the nerve center of operations, Janet.

                    (SHOUT: "It's got a phone and everything!")

          You must stay here tonight. That way we can all be together when Mr. Sun paints us a new day with his golden brush.

                    (SHOUT: "I'm gonna puke") or

                    (SHOUT: "Romper Bomper Stomper Boo") then

                    (SHOUT: "Wasn't that a Nazi movie? - Australian") or

                    (SHOUT: "What?")

Cosmo: And you can peep in on Brad in the morning.

                    (SHOUT: "Oh") or

                    (SHOUT: "I'm sad")

Bert: Morning?

                    (SHOUT: "No, I always wear black")

(Ansalong and Ricky enter)

Nation: Are all the beds made up?

                    (SHOUT: "They apoligized.")

Ansalong: Oh yes, I plumped up all the pillows and changed up all th-

                    (SHOUT: "Shut up!")

Cosmo: Then lock up for the night.

Ansalong: Okay!

                    (SHOUT: "You fucked up, bitch, get your tits off my tank!")

(Ansalong and Ricky leave.)
 
 

(Scene shift to outside the studio. The Cop is walking around and securing the perimeter, shining his flashlight on the
ground.)

                    (SHOUT: "Why can't I find a dime when I need one?") or

                    (SHOUT: "He's looking for bugs, man!")

(The camera moves up onto a fire escape where Oliver and Betty are entering)

                    (SHOUT: "Discuss your sex lives") or

                    (SHOUT: "Betty found her G-spot!")

Oliver: Clever of you to find this spot, Betty

Betty: It pays to know your way around Oliver.

                    (SHOUT: "How well do you know your way around Oliver?") or

                    (SHOUT: "And boy, has she been around!")

          I thought the Home Of Happiness would give your theory a new perspective.

                    (SHOUT: "Walter Jacobson")

Oliver: A stately pleasure home indeed.

Betty: Oh! I adore Coleridge Taylor!

                    (SHOUT: "The fifth Beatle") or

                    (SHOUT: "Especially Fire And Rain")

          As a matter of fact

(Betty rummages through her handbag)

                    (SHOUT: "My vibrator's in here somewhere")

(Betty pulls out a book, opens it and removes a sheet of paper)

                    (SHOUT: "Here's my bill of sale")

          It is an ancient mariner

          And hestoppeth one of three

          By thy long grey beard

          And glittering eye

          Now wherefore stopp'st, thou me?

                    (NOTE: Your group should SHOUT a limerick of choice. Your cast/group could make up a limerick about a shock
                    treatment character so it's easier for others to remember or pick a common/popular one if you'd like. Read it over
                    her spout of poetry reading. Here's the one that seems to stick with the Kansas City fan club: "There once was a
                    whore from Peru - who filled her pussy with glue - she said with a grin - If they'll pay to get in - then they'll pay to
                    get out of me too.").

                    (SHOUT: "Hey Olly, she's horny!") or

                    (SHOUT: "Hey Oliver, wanna fuck?")

(Olly moans, looking a little worried)

                    (SHOUT: "Hey Janet, Do you spit or swallow?") or

                    (SHOUT: "Janet, what do you do after a blowjob?")

(Scene changes to show Janet brushing her teeth, with Ansalong in doorway. Janet spits)

                    (SHOUT: "She didn't spit when I was with her.")
 
 

(Song - "Lullaby")
 
 

(The camera moves from Janet's bathroom, to the next room, where we see Ricky laying in bed,reading the script.)

                    (SHOUT: "Okay, it says I'm supposed to lay here.")

(The camera moves on to the next room where Janet enters, and slips off her robe)

                    (SHOUT: "Leave it on! Leave it on!")

(The camera continues to move to the next room, where we see Bert sitting on his bed)

                    (SHOUT: "Go to sleep, Bird Shit!")

(Finally the camera stops at Cosmo & Nation's bedroom.)

Nation: I feel the heat from your skin

          And the stubble on your chin

          You're no good.

                    (ECHO: "You need a shave") and/or

                    (SHOUT: "How is she in bed?")

Cosmo: You're no good.

Nation: You've got dirt

                    (ECHO: "Shit")

          on your hands

                    (SHOUT: "Hey Cosmo, smell her pussy")

(Cosmo places his nose on her lower leg, and then her knee)

                    (SHOUT: "...closer...")

          And everybody

(Cosmo's nose moves to her upper leg)

                    (SHOUT: "That's it...")

          understands

          You're no good

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Now, how does it smell?")

Cosmo: Uuuh, You're no good.

                    (SHOUT: "She's spoiled - she's spoiled rotten!")

                    (SHOUT: "She's past her expiration date")

Nation: Oh what a joke

                    (SHOUT: "What?")

Cosmo: What a joke

                    (SHOUT: "Oh")

Nation: You feel like choking

                    (SHOUT: "Your chicken")

          You play for broke

                    (SHOUT: "What?")

Cosmo: You play for broke

                    (SHOUT: "Oh")

Nation: He'll leave you smoking

                    (SHOUT: "Sssssmokin'.")

Cosmo: Oh, romance is not a children's game.

                    (SHOUT: "Tell that to Woody Allen") or

                    (SHOUT: "Tell that to Jerry Seinfeld") or

                    (SHOUT: "Swallow the leader")

Nation: But you keep going back

          Its driving you insane.

                    (ECHO: "Driving Miss Daisy")

(Camera goes past Bert's window, where he still sits on his bed.)

                    (SHOUT: "Go to sleep Bird Shit!") or

                    (SHOUT: as we see Bert, "Ladies and Gentlemen, our very own, Bert Schnick!" - pause - "Nice job, Bert")

(Camera goes to Janet's window)

                    (SHOUT: "Hey Janet, say something we don't understand")

Janet: Drift into the treacle deep

                    (SHOUT: "What?")

          Slip into its silent depths

                    (SHOUT: "Oh")

(Phantom whisper): Go to sleep

                    (SHOUT: "For one night only, it's The Silhoettes")

(She turns the light out)

Janet: With your every thane akimbo

          Float into the sandman's limbo.

(Camera shifts to Ansalong and Ricky. Ricky is taking pictures of Ansalong in her teddy)

                    (SHOUT: "And this one's for my dad.")

(The polaroid camera flashes as a photo pops out)

                    (SHOUT: "And the next one's for my mom.")

Ansalong: Night night.

Ricky: Night night.

Ansalong: Its time for bye bye

                    (SHOUT: "Gwen Stefani")

          Its been a great day, thanks a heap.

                    (SHOUT: "Thank you, heap")

                    (SHOUT: "And the next one's for my website")

(Ricky takes another photo)

          Now its time for every one

(Ricky raises the blanket, offering his bed to her)

                    (SHOUT: "Now get under there and suck my cock, bitch")

          to go to sleep.

Phantom Voices: Night night

          Its time for bye bye

(The camera moves to Janet's room, where she sleeps)

                    (AP: Make obnoxious snores, the three stooges snore gets a good laugh as well)

          Its been a great day, thanks a heap

                    (SHOUT: "Thank you, heap")

(The camera passes Bert, still sitting on his bed)

                    (SHOUT: "Go to sleep, Bird Shit!") or

                    (SHOUT: "Nice job, Bert!") or

                    (SHOUT: "Once again, Bert Schnick!")

          Now its time

                    (AP: Clap your hands like you're trying to turn off a light with a "Clapper")

(The camera passes to Cosmo & Nation's bedroom, where Cosmo turns out the light, then spreads his arms wide as he approaches her in
bed)

                    (SHOUT: "Attack...of the roll-on deodorant!")

          for every one to go to sleep.

(The camera moves on to show Brad in his wheel chair in the cage, still rocking back and forth.)

                    (SHOUT/sing: "Harr E Kreesh Nah, Harr E Kreesh Nah...") or

                    (SHOUT: "Tell me about the lambs, Maurice")

(The camera moves on to the Audience passed out, asleep in their seats.)

                    (SHOUT: "It's an audience for Shock Treatment") or

                    (SHOUT: "It's an audience for Speed 2")
 
 

(The scene changes to the fire exit balcony that Oliver and Betty are on. Oliver is asleep and snoring and Betty is still reading to him. The
cop is still lurking around securing the area)

Betty: He went like one

          That hath been stunned

          And is of sense forlorn.

          A sadder and a wiser man

          He rose the morrow morn.

                    (SHOUT/NOTE: During this final spout of poetry from Betty, one selected person in the audience should start
                    questioning outloud: "Has anybody seen my bird?" "I can't find my bird" etc... Other fans/audience members can
                    respond like, "No, I haven't" or "What's it look like?" or "Maybe you should ask Betty?" - but in the end,
                    someone should say, "Hey, why don't you ask that cop?" - "Hey Pig, I can't find my bird!")

(The cop brings up the lights, and then turns to Betty and Oliver, holding up a dead bird)

Cop: Does this bird belong to you?

                    (SHOUT: "Overact, Betty!") or

                    (SHOUT: "Alfred Hitchcock's The Us")

(Betty shrieks in terror and throws her book)
 
 

Scene shift to Bert's room. His white Beta alarm clock is beeping)

                    (SHOUT: "Time is beeping...") or

                    (SHOUT: "Looks like an alarm clock to me")

(We can now see Bert, still sitting on his bed)

                    (SHOUT: "Go to sleep, Bird Shit!")

(Bert reaches over and shuts the alarm clock off and grabs his cane. We see a picture of Dr. Freud on the nightstand near the clock)

                    (SHOUT: "Why does a blind man have a picture on his nightstand?") or

                    (SHOUT: "Is that Freud?") then

                    (SHOUT: "What a fraud") or

                    (SHOUT: "Kentucky Freud Chicken - Mother Fuckin' Good")

(Next to the picture is a medicine bottle)

                    (SHOUT: "Bert's on viagra")

                    (SHOUT: "No wonder he's up all night")

(Bert sets out to look for Janet, as he walks down the hall with his blind cane)

                    (SHOUT: "I told you masterbating will make you go blind!")

(First he checks her room)

Bert: Janet?

                    (SHOUT: "Nope, utility closet") or

                    (SHOUT: "Norman?")

(Bert moves to the bathroom)

Bert: Are you decent, Janet?

                    (SHOUT: "Talk about your stupid questions")

(Bert enters and sees Janet in the shower. He takes off his glasses and goes in for a closer look. Janet's silhoette shows her washing her
left armpit)

                    (AP: Make fart noises with her arm motion)

                    (AP: Shoot waterguns)

(Nation bursts in the room as Bert moves closer to Janet's shower)

Nation: Hoopla Bert!

                    (SHOUT: "Fuck you, bitch")

          Nice to see you up an about.

                    (SHOUT: "Or just Up")

          Mac's waiting in the wardrobe, Janet.

                    (SHOUT: "And he's naked!") or

                    (SHOUT: "With the lion and the witch")

(We can see Janet again, still washing her armpit)

Janet: Uh huh.

                    (SHOUT OVER: "How long does it take to wash one fucking arm pit?!") then

                    (SHOUT: "One fucking scene - There are no fucking scenes in this movie!") and/or

                    (SHOUT: "It's a Janet marionette")

(Bert puts his glasses back on)

Nation: (to Bert) Care to join me in a non-sex act?

                    (SHOUT: "Don't do something I would do") or

                    (SHOUT: "What's the fun?")

(Bert nods.)

(Scene shifts to Terminal Ward. Ansalong is leaving. Ricky has just shut Brad's cell door. Brad is gagged and screaming.)

                    (SHOUT: "Get that tampon out of his mouth!") or

                    (SHOUT: "Larry Flynt made a yummy sound")
 
 

(Scene shift to the wardrobe room. Cosmo is walking around, reading a folder.)

                    (SHOUT: "Michael Stipe is MacArthur")

                    (SHOUT: "It's a beautiful morning. Everything is beautiful. The sun is shining...")

(Cosmo passes the American Gothic painting)

                    (continued SHOUT: "...The air is clean, Hey wait! (referring to the painting) Wasn't that in the other movie? Oh
                    well, it's still a beautiful morning and I'm feeling beautiful.")

(Cosmo stops in his tracks)

                    (SHOUT: "Hey Cosmo, Are you feeling beautiful? What time is it?")

(Cosmo looks at his watch)

                    (SHOUT: "It's time to feel beautiful")

(Cosmo places his fingertips on his temple in a comic pose)

                    (SHOUT, as Cosmo: "I'm feeling beautiful")

(Janet steps in and looks around.)

Janet: Good morning. I wanna see Brad.

                    (ECHO: "I wanna be Sedated") (Ramones reference) or

                    (SHOUT: "Nobody ever sees Brad. Not no way, not no how")

(Cosmo steps in front of her showing her a mirror. His head is peering over the mirror top)

                    (SHOUT: "Brad! You're beautiful!") or

                    (SHOUT: "That's not Brad!") or

                    (SHOUT/sing: "I ain't got no body") or

                    (SHOUT/sing in falsetto: "You're Beautiful") James Blunt reference or

                    (SHOUT: "It's true. The longer you are married, the more you look alike")

Cosmo: Look at yourself. You're beautiful. The most desirable creature that ever walked.

                    (SHOUT: "I'd hate to see the ugly one") or

                    (SHOUT/sing: "Here she is, Miss America")

(Cosmo's fingertips massage the edge of the mirror)

                    (SHOUT: "He's fingering Janet") and

                    (SHOUT: "Isn't that glassterbation?")

Janet: Oh, if only Brad could have found it within himself to say

                    (ECHO: "Do")

          those things to me.

                    (SHOUT: "Well, he did write it")

Cosmo: He will. But its up to you to reawaken his feelings.

                    (SHOUT: "With the help of Viagra")

          Farley's given you that chance.

                    (SHOUT: "Not a community chest")

          You can use the breakfast show to knock Denton dead.

                    (SHOUT: "Like this audience")

Janet: Do you really think so?

                    (SHOUT: "It worked for Katie Couric")

Cosmo: Everybody needs you.

                    (SHOUT/sing: "Everybody Wants You!") (Billy Squier)

Janet: Hmm. But what'll I do? What'll I say?

Cosmo: Hmm?

Janet: What'll I wear?

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Who sings Take On Me?")

Cosmo: Aha!

                    (SHOUT/sing: "Take on me")
 
 

(Song - "Little Black Dress")
 
 

                    (SHOUT: "The Versace Song") and/or

                    (SHOUT: "How long have you been gay?")

Cosmo: Ever since I was a little boy

          Dressing up

                    (ECHO: "Jacking off")

          has always been my greatest joy

          But when its time to be discreet

          There's one thing you just can't

                    (ECHO: "...I love to")

          beat

                    (ECHO: "Come on baby, beat my meat")

          And that's a strapless backless classical

          Little black dress

                    (SHOUT: "Good old fashioned nightmare fuel") or

                    (SHOUT: "Take it away O.J.") or

                    (SHOUT: "How do you perform an abortion?")

          Well first you go rip rip rip

          Then you go snip snip snip

          Then you whip in a zip zip zip

                    (ECHO: "Then your pussy goes drip drip drip")

          And split it up to the

                    (ECHO: "Runnin' down on your...")

          hip hip hip

          And as you strip strip strip

          You shiver, quiver for that soft

                    (ECHO: "crotch")

          caress

          As you slip slip slip

          Into that little black dress.

                    (SHOUT: "Cover that shit up, it stinks")

(Cosmo drapes a black sheet of material over Janet's head)

Nation: Ah, hoopla.

(Scene shift to Bert and Nation going into Janet's dressing room.)

                    (SHOUT: "Bert, say something we don't understand")

Bert: Ever since I was the eina kliena heiren

                    (SHOUT: "Hey, I've got a hairy recliner!")

          It was the cordon bleu for which I am most caring

                    (SHOUT: "What?")

          And the one taste treat so sweet

                    (SHOUT OVER next few lines: "Somewhere around here I left a freezer full of Always Save Dog Food…")

                    (SHOUT: "Someone stole my ants from my ant farm…")

          That really can't be beat

                    (SHOUT: "…and put them in a bowl in the fridge")

          Is what we have ya, how you are, caviar

(Bert grabs a bowl of caviar from the fridge)

          that little black mess.

                    (SHOUT: "That's disgusting")

(Cosmo and Janet enter. She's wearing a new black dress)

                    (SHOUT: "So's that")

Cosmo: Hey! Viola!

                    (SHOUT: "That's the dress my aunt was buried in") or

                    (SHOUT: "That's no hat, that's a space station")

                    (NOTE: Next chorus uses same ECHOES as mentioned in first chorus)

                    (SHOUT: "What's it like to fuck a virgin?")

Janet: Well first you go rip rip rip

          Then you go snip snip snip

          Then you whip in a zip zip zip

          Split it up to the hip hip hip

(Janet gets up on the table and starts dancing and breaking things)

                    (SHOUT: "That's White Star Line property. You'll pay for that")

          Then as you strip strip strip

          You quiver, shiver for that soft caress

          As you slip slip slip

          Into that little black dress

          That minimal (minimal)

          criminal (criminal)

          siniful little black dress.

Nation: Lets face it Mac that basic black is coming back

(Janet strikes a pose)

                    (SHOUT: "Vogue")

Bert: Lets face it Mac that basic black is coming back

(Janet strikes a pose)

                    (SHOUT: "Vogue")

Bert & Nation: Lets face it Mac that basic black is coming back

(Janet strikes a pose)

                    (SHOUT: "Vogue")

Janet: That minimal (minimal)

                    (SHOUT: "Welcome to Olan Mills")

          criminal (criminal)

          siniful

                    (SHOUT: "Time for a family portrait")

          Little black dress.

(Group sits on furniture in a pose reminiscent of Rocky Horror's Sweet Transvestite throne scene)
 
 



 


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