(Song: "Look What I Did To My Id")
 
 

(This song takes place in the wardrobe room)

                    (SHOUT: "What's your favorite Madonna song?")

Emily: Like a virgin, with an urgin, in a surgery

          I'll be swinging, I'll be bringing out the nurse in me

                    (Beavis & Butthead SHOUT: "Heh heh, she's got a nurse in her")

Harry: The art will start when I'm playin' my part

                    (ECHO: "...cuttin' a fart")

          As a healer who will steal your heart

(They rub noses)

                    (SHOUT: "Eskimos!")

Harry & Emily: Oh look what I did to my ID.

                    (ECHO: "Oh look what he did to her tit")

          Oh look what I did to my ID.

                    (ECHO same line)

Cosmo: With neurosis in perfusion

                    (SHOUT: "I'm ready for my gynocologist appointment")

(Nation and Cosmo both put on rubber gloves)

Nation: And psychosis in your soul

                    (SHOUT: "I'm ready for my proctologist appointment")

Cosmo: Eliminate confusion

                    (SHOUT: "Too late")

Cosmo & Nation: And hide inside a brand new role!

                    (ECHO: "...toilet bowl")

Macy: Like a good time girl, I'm gonna try some new tricks

                    (ECHO: "Like a prostitute, I'm gonna find some new tricks")

Ralph: This could be the start of a whole new career

                    (SHOUT: "In electronics at ITT Tech") or

                    (SHOUT: "Not after this movie")

Macy: Got a deep plumb lipstick and some therapeutics

Ralph: This could take us to a town that's nowhere near here.

                    (SHOUT: "Watch those fingers") or

                    (SHOUT: "Denver") (or pick another city)

(Ralphs hands roam her thigh)

(Scene shows Ansalong ripping her short shorter)

                    (SHOUT OVER next lines: "I got more hurt than you got skirt!")

Ansalong: Got some heart felt symptoms and I'm feeling sneaky

Ricky: Young male intern tall and handsome

Ansalong: Got my hems so high they'll think I'm being cheeky.

(Closeup on Ricky's face)

                    (SHOUT OVER next line: "Isn't that Ewan McGregor?")

                    (SHOUT in response: "Looks like a young Obi Wan Kenobie to me")

Ricky: Legs like mine were really made for dancing

                    (ECHO: "made for shaving") then

                    (SHOUT: "What does Santa say after an orgasm?")

All: Woh oh oh!

                    (SHOUT: "What does Fat Albert say after an orgasm?")

Hey hey hey!

                    (SHOUT: "We're The Monkees")

(They dance, facing mirrors)

                    (SHOUT/sing: "They're just dancing with themselves")

Cosmo & Nation: When heavens in the music

                    (SHOUT: "This is the weirdest broadway musical I've ever seen")

          Hell is in control. The angel's got the voices

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Can you explain heavy metal?")

          but the Devil's got rock and roll!

All: We may look we're phony medics

          but we took our look from a book by Frederick's

          Oh look what I did to my ID

                    (SHOUT: "Here's lookin' at you, id")

          Look what I did to my ID.

                    (SHOUT: "Thanks for the audition, next!")
 
 

(Scene switch to Janet's dressing room)

Janet: Oh Brad.

Nation: He's an emotional cripple, remember? Even he wouldn't like to see you like this.

                    (SHOUT: "He'd rather see you naked")

(The door opens up, we see many reporters with microphones. Ralph is trying to get into the door and keep them out)

                    (SHOUT: "I'm innocent, dammit! Innocent!")

Neely: Listen, Ralph, I just want to speak with someone. If I don't get in now, right now, there's going to be trouble!

                    (SHOUT: "with the pop-o-matic bubble")

Ralph: Later Neely, okay?

Neely: Ralph!

(Ralph slams door)

                    (SHOUT: "And now, the Frank Gifford story")

Ralph: How is she. Well, come on. Farley's expecting her any minute. You guys get your asses in front of those
cameras

                    (Beavis & Butthead SHOUT: "heh, heh, he said asses. No wonder its rated PG") or

                    (SHOUT: "Moon river")

          and try and earn yourselves a reputation, okay? Well move!

(Ralph opens the door to leave. The reporters are still there, hounding him)

Neely: We just wanna ask a few questions. We've gotta know what happened!

                    (SHOUT: "To Fay Wray") or

                    (SHOUT: "To Saturday night") or

                    (SHOUT: "To the concept of a good sequel")

Oscar: These are for you, Janet.

                    (SHOUT: "Breath mints. You need 'em!")

Glitch: They'll make you feel a whole lot better.

                    (SHOUT: "Fear & Loathing in Denton")

Oscar: Yeah!

(They leave. Nation stares at the drugs Oscar left behind)

                    (SHOUT: "What's your favorite kind of porn?")

Nation: Amateurs.
 
 

Cheerleaders: Give us a J!

                    (ECHO: "...an R")

Audience: J!

Cheerleaders: A!

                    (ECHO: "...an O")

Audience: A!

Cheerleaders: N!

                    (ECHO: "...a C")

Audience: N!

Cheerleaders: E!

                    (ECHO: "...a K")

Audience: E!

Cheerleaders: Give us a T!

                    (ECHO: "...a Y")

Audience: T!

Cheerleaders: We can't hear you!

                    (SHOUT: "Neither can they!") or

                    (SHOUT OVER: "What's that spell?")

Audience: Awww!!!

                    (SHOUT: "That's not what it spells!")
 
 

(Betty opens up the research room door)

                    (SHOUT: "Angie Dickenson is Police Woman")

(She goes to a computer, researching the name McKinley)

                    (NOTE: As this scene starts, sing the theme to Mission Impossible)

(The computer beeps as it comes up with information.)

                    (SHOUT: "What are you doing, Dave?") or

                    (SHOUT: "Let's play Global Thermonuclear War") or

                    (SHOUT: "So how do I access this cybersex thing I've been hearing so much about?") or

                    (SHOUT: "Let's see what Tom has to Say on MySpace")

Betty: Oh my God!

                    (SHOUT: "George Burns!") or

                    (SHOUT OVER: "Tim Curry and Bill Paxton")

          Character actors?

                    (SHOUT: "Dabney Coleman")
 
 

(Scene switches to the set of Faith Factory. We can see a man polishing a red throne)

                    (SHOUT: "Isn't that Frank's throne?")

(Oliver, in doctor outfit, taps the man on his shoulder and points to the large photo on the wall)

                    (SHOUT: "Look, there's a booger on his nose!")

(The man inspects the large photo)

                    (SHOUT: "That's not a booger, that's smurf cum! Smurf's one, Movie two")

(Audience cheers. Scene switch back to Betty who is now snooping around for information about Farley Flavors on microfilm. We see
the numbers 4711)

                    (AP: Make references to 4711)

(Scene switch back to Neely.)

Neely: And so if you're a follower of exotic trends in fashion, you'll find plenty to keep you going here tonight.

                    (SHOUT: "Thank God, something to keep us in the theater")

          And naturally feeling the excitement, and not wanting to stick out like a sore thumb, I had to get a little outfit of my own together.
          And this is it.

                    (SHOUT: "The Swiss Miss Girl")

(Crowd claps. Betty is now looking at microfilm of a newspaper. We eventually see a message in the bottom corner about aliens in
Denton)

                    (AP: Make verbal references to Rocky Horror)

(The newspaper will also show a big headline: IKES! TWINS!)

                    (SHOUT: "Ikes!!")

Ralph: Ladies and gentlemen, to help get you in the mood for Faith Factory, DTV proudly presents Denton's own

                    (SHOUT: "Fuck up, try again")

          with a suburban garage sound,

                    (SHOUT: "Hole in a blender")

          let's hear it for Oscar Drill and The Bits!

                    (SHOUT: "Oh I get it")

Betty: (Understanding that Farley is Brad's vengeful twin brother) Oh, Oliver. This is one time charity didn't begin
at home.
 
 

(Song: "Breaking Out")
 
 

(The band starts up the music. They are dressed in eye-squinting white)

                    (SHOUT: "Oh no, it's the hospital band")

                    (SHOUT: "Not another '80's video")

                    (SHOUT: "Ladies and Gentlemen, Green Day")

Oscar: I know how it feels to be cooling my heels

                    (ECHO: "high heels")

          I've been down on them long enough

                    (SHOUT: "Welcome to the hippy era!")

(Scene shows a hippy woman dancing in audience)

          But if I stay to them now

(Scene switches momentarily to Oliver & Betty trying to unlock the cage, but the keys don't seem to work)

          Then maybe somehow

          You'll see through the bluff

                    (ECHO: "...through that shit")

          I'm not playing it tough

                    (ECHO: "I don't play with my tit")

          I've been a lifetime on deposit

          And that's a long time in the closet

                    (SHOUT: "Michael Jackson")

          And if you say to me "How was it?"

          It was hard taking that heart breaking god forsaken route

                    (SHOUT: "66") or

                    (ECHO: "It was a small eery, dark dreary, claustriphobic room")

(Oliver and Betty free Brad from the terminal ward with Betty's hairpin)

                    (SHOUT: "Betty and her miracle hair pin")

          But I'm - Buh da, buh buh, buh da

                    (SHOUT OVER: "What's your face doing?")

          Breaking out!

                    (SHOUT: "I thought this was green day")

(The cheerleaders look bored)

                    (SHOUT: "You bored, too?")

          You may say that you choose

                    (SHOUT: "Hippy era, part 2")

(Scene again shows hippy audience woman)

          To be in my shoes

                    (ECHO: "Drinking my booze")

          Well look what it did for me

                    (SHOUT: "Drag Queen fashion sense")

          I got buried alive

          I don't thrive on that jive

                    (ECHO: "With my Colt 45")

          Look and you'll see that the spikes don't fit me

                    (ECHO: "That I've got no pee-pee")

          I've been a lifetime on deposit

          And that's a long time in the closet

                    (SHOUT: "RuPaul")

          And if you say to me "How was it?"

                    (SHOUT: "I hated that movie")

          It was hard taking that heart breaking god forsaken

                    (SHOUT: "paper")

          route, but I'm - Buh da, buh buh, buh da

                    (SHOUT OVER: "What's your face doing")

          Breaking out!

Brad: Where are we going?

                    (SHOUT: "To hell!")

Betty: To a family reunion

                    (SHOUT: "Yea! We finally get our picnic!")

                    (SHOUT: "I brought the aunts - I brought the uncles")

Oscar: Breaking out!

Audience: Breaking out!

Oscar: Breaking out!

Audience: Breaking out!

                    (SHOUT: "Next time try Clearasil")

Oscar: Ungh!

(Audience cheers. Oscar holds his fists up in victory)

                    (SHOUT: "I'm the king of the world!") Titanic movie reference or

                    (Beavis SHOUT as Cornholio: "Are you threatening me?!?!)
 
 

(Scene switch to Farley Flavor's office. It is a conference between Cosmo, Nation, Bert, Ralph, Macy, and Farley. Neely is there with her
crew. Scene opens with everyone laughing and happy. Cigar and cigarette smoke filter the room)

                    (SHOUT: "Fries are up...Fries are done...will somebody get the fucking fries!" - repeat - "Hello! Can't you see the
                    smoke?! The fries are fuckin' burning!")

Farley: She represents everything our customers want: Innocence,decency, and the allusion of a happy ending.

(Crowd applauds)

                    (SHOUT: "Welcome to Philosphy 101")

          And, behind her image, take away therapy will thrive under the capable hands of two great ethical intellects, operating on the
          frontiers of medical science. Huh? Huh?

(Crowd complimentsCosmo and Nation on their great work)

                    (SHOUT: "Blah blah blah blah")

          Under the firm guidance of a great survivor in the treacherous sea of diplomacy,

                    (SHOUT: "Yadda yadda yadda")

                    (SHOUT: "Henry Kissinger")

          our own Bert Schnick.

(Group goes crazy over Farley's idea)

          Now, lets get this show on the road!

                    (SHOUT: "We're going to Disney World!")

(Group goes wild, scuttling off and can still be heard in the background)

Neely: Mr. Flavors. May I have a moment of your time?

                    (SHOUT OVER: "How easy is your mother")

Farley: Sure thing.

Neely: We've heard rumors that you're going to unveil more than just

                    (SHOUT: "your dick size")

          a new series tonight. Is this true?

                    (SHOUT/sing: "I know this...much is...true")

Farley: Absolutely correct.

Neely: Could you tell us a little more about it?

                    (SHOUT: "It's a really scary book, and a really shitty movie")

Farley: Well lets just say, we're planning on putting sanity back on the national menu.

                    (SHOUT: "Will there be an extra value meal?") or

                    (SHOUT: "Al a carte")

Neely: And how does local girl

                    (ECHO: "slut")

          Janet Majors fit into the scheme of things

                    (ECHO: "into that girdle of yours")

(Janet enters the room)

                    (SHOUT: "How do your pants fit in the crotch ")

Farley: Very nicely.

                    (SHOUT: "What's another word for asshole? Sphinctor? Uh, Rectum, uh, poop chute, uh....")

Janet: Brad?

                    (SHOUT: "That'll work")
 
 

(Scene change to show Betty and Oliver explaining to Brad what's happening)

Betty: And he's resented you all these years.

                    (SHOUT: "Marcia Marcia Marcia")

Brad: And Janet?

                    (SHOUT: "No, he's never resented her")

Oliver: She represents everything he's been denied.

                    (SHOUT: "Hetero sex")
 
 

(Scene switch back to Faith Factory)

Announcer: By satellite, Farley Flavor's Faith Factory

Ralph: Ladies and Gentlemen

                    (SHOUT: "Yes?")

          Denton's own

                    (SHOUT: "What?")

          America's pride

                    (SHOUT: "Show your pride, girl!")

          the world's example, Janet, the sensation of the planet.

                    (SHOUT: "Schmanet, Janet")

          We bring you Miss Mental Health!

                    (SHOUT: "Wait until the nude photos come out") or

                    (SHOUT: "Tonight on the 69 & 1/2 cent bimbo")

(Enter Janet, walking down the aisle to the throne. Audience is clapping)

Nation: Isn't she lovely?

                    (SHOUT/sing: "Isn't she wonderful") or

                    (SHOUT: "We'll crush Poland")

Emily: I love you baby!

                    (SHOUT/sing: "And if it's quite alright, I need you baby")

Nation: She walks in beauty.

                    (SHOUT: "As long as it's dark out")

Harry: That's my little girl! That a girl, Janet!

(Guitar music starts)

                    (SHOUT: "It's Jimi Hendrix on guitar") or

                    (SHOUT: "Neil Young on guitar") or

                    (SHOUT: "A four-year old on guitar")

Emily: We love you baby!

Nation: We all love Janet. Who do we love?

                    (SHOUT/sing: "I love you, you love me")

Audience: Janet!

(Audience goes wild. Cop raises arm and yells "Janet!" Janet sits in her throne)

                    (SHOUT: "It's Nation's audition for a role in The Truman Show")

Nation: The dress Janet is wearing has been given by Creme de la Crème Modes of downtown Denton and we've
been asked that you take note of the individual styling and exquisite tailoring. This is just one of the many gifts
that's

                    (SHOUT: "I.P.")

          so freely and generously given to Janet, the first of, we hope, many Miss Mental Health's!

                    (SHOUT: "She was up against <fill in the blank with fan name>")

(Audience goes wild again)

Ralph: Ladies and Gentlemen, the President.

                    (SHOUT: "Hail the chief") or

                    (SHOUT: "Everybody! Sew your mouth shut!")

(Drum roll.)

                    (SHOUT: "Stand up if you've had sex with Janet")

(Sanity For Today medical outfit wearers stand at attention. Audience quiets. Neely directs her crew to focus in on the door. Irwin walks
onto the set)

                    (SHOUT: "It's Steve Buschemi")

(He walks up to the podium)

                    (SHOUT: "Hillary, where's my sax")

Irwin: Hi! I'm Irwin Lapsey, President of Lapsey Autos

                    (SHOUT: "Stand up if you want to have sex with <fill in the blank with fan's name>")

(Sanity For Today medical outfit wearers sit down quickly.)

                    (SHOUT: "Not only am I the president, I'm also a client!")

(Irwin looks at them and wonders then turns back to the audience)

          I'm holding in my hand here some keys

                    (SHOUT: "To a chastity belt...It's an Everlast")

(He jiggles keys in his left hand)

          Keys which I would like to give to the little lady who is being so honored here tonight.

                    (SHOUT: "Dr. Ruth") or

                    (SHOUT: "Estelle Getty")

          And I wanna tell ya, if she takes these keys

                    (SHOUT: "I'll call her a klepto!")

          she will find that they fit something.

                    (ECHO: "Absolutely nothing") or

                    (SHOUT: "A kick start vibrator")

          And what that something is, is an almost brand new ultra deluxe eight cylinder convertible complete with radio, tape deck, plush
          fur seat covers and many, many extras. And its all hers for absolutely free.

                    (SHOUT: "Plus a blowjob.")

(Audience cheers as Irwin walks over to Janet to give her the keys. Cosmo stops him, takes the keys, and escorts Irwin offstage)

                    (SHOUT: "Quick, someone, pull that string")

                    (AP: run to side of stage and act like you're pulling a rope)

(The curtain shuts in Lapsey's face)

Ralph: Well, Janet. Janet is absolutely speechless, ladies and gentlemen.

                    (SHOUT: "She's asleep" - "Like us") or

                    (SHOUT: "That movie was boring" - "So's this one!")

(Audience moans)

          But here's someone we do want to hear from.

                    (SHOUT: "Marcel Marceau") or

                    (SHOUT: "Publishers Clearing House")

          A firm favorite of yours and mine.

                    (SHOUT: "My hand?")

          You've reveled in his recipes.

(Brad gets dropped by Oliver and Betty)

                    (SHOUT: "It's the three stooges")

          You marveled in his marriage guidance.

                    (SHOUT: "And his divorce court")

          The all knowing, and now all seeing,

                    (SHOUT: "Oz!") or

                    (SHOUT: "God!") then

                    (SHOUT: "That's wrong") or

                    (SHOUT: "Karnac" - "Madame Fortuna See All")

(Audience is astonished)

          that's right, Bert Schniks

(Bert comes walking to the podiu showing his now uncovered eyes.)

(Scene flashes to Oliver and Betty dragging Brad while trying to find a way out of the Dentonvale set.)

                    (SHOUT: "A drunk asshole!")

(Scene goes back to Faith Factory. Audience member says "Bert, you're beautiful!")

                    (SHOUT: "You're drunk" - "No, you're drunk if you think he's beautiful!")

Bert: Hoopla Denton!

Audience: Hoopla Bert!

                    (SHOUT: "Fuck You, Bert!")

Bert: Thank you, welcome.

Ralph: What's cooking, Bert?

                    (SHOUT: "Ernie")

Bert: I'll tell you what's cooking, buddy, and I'll tell you, too, you guys. She made the blind see and it was a gift.

                    (SHOUT: "Crabs")

          Who was the gift from? Lets hear an F for...

                    (SHOUT: "Fornication")

Audience: Farley!

Bert: And another F for...

                    (SHOUT: "Fellatio")

Audience: Flavors!

(Enter Farley. Audience goes wild.)

                    (SHOUT: "It's Tim Robbin's in the movie Bob Roberts")

                    (SHOUT: "Hey-- Oooo")

                    (SHOUT: "Who did you sleep with last night?")

Farley: My friends!

                    (SHOUT: "Oh shit, that's us!") or

                    (SHOUT: "Romans, countrymen, lend me your anus")

          And you are

                    (SHOUT: "gay")

          all my friends.

                    (SHOUT: "Then give us money")

(Farley laughs)

                    (SHOUT: "Rosebud is his sled")

          My friends, tonight we are taking the first step of defiance,

                    (SHOUT: "Fuck you!")

          and starting something that will grow so big

                    (SHOUT: "unlike your fucking dick")

          that the whole world will reverberate with its sound.

                    (AP: Make fart sound)

          And wherever our slogan "Sanity and vanity" is uttered,

                    (SHOUT: "Moo") or

                    (SHOUT: "Does Farley know sign language?")

          it will be linked

(Farley makes wild hand gestures, exagerated)

          incontrovertibly to this night, this station, and this beautiful face.

                    (SHOUT: "a face worse than death, with a face like that who needs enemas") or

                    (SHOUT: "I'd hate to see the ugly one") or

                    (SHOUT: "Look, it's a marrionette of Janet!")

(We can see a lifeless expression as Janet begins to stand. Audience cheers.)

(Brad hears this through the wall)

                    (SHOUT: "It's big Jim Slade!") or

                    (SHOUT: "Hey, Kool Aid")

(Brad comes crashing through the giant picture of Janet's head.)

(Audience is startled and utter phrases such as "Its a crazy guy")

                    (SHOUT: "I am Sean Archer") or

                    (SHOUT: "Welcome to poetry 101")

Brad: Seducer!

                    (SHOUT: "I hardly know her!")

Farley: And who are you sir?

Brad: Your twin brother and your accuser!

                    (ECHO: "...and you're an asshole")

Janet: Brad!

Cosmo: Arrest that man he's committed to our care.

                    (ECHO: "Arrest that man, he stole my hair")

Janet: I never signed your contract.

                    (SHOUT like a smartass: "Ha ha ha")

          He's not going anywhere.

                    (ECHO: "He's not wearing underwear") or

                    (SHOUT OVER: "So there!") or

                    (SHOUT: "Neither is this plot")

Oliver: Revenge your twin. You tried to abuse her.

Farley: A ridiculous accusation! You force me to refuse her.

                    (ECHO: "abuse her") or

                    (SHOUT: "The force is strong with this one")

Brad: Then why did you choose her?

                    (SHOUT: "Sarandon wasn't available!") or

                    (SHOUT: "Choosy brothers chosse Jiff")

Farley: Because of you, sir!

                    (SHOUT: "It's Greg and Peter Brady in Face/Off")
 
 

(Song: "Duel Duet")
 
 

                    (SHOUT: "G")

Farley: You're a loser

                    (SHOUT/sing: "So why don't you kill me")

          An abomination in the eyes of any sensitive man

                    (SHOUT: "Visine gets the red out")

Brad: And you're a blind alley cruiser

                    (SHOUT: "Zardoz")

(Brad's image is imposed on the walls)

                    (SHOUT: "I am the great and powerful Oz!") and/or

                    (SHOUT/sing: "Burning down the house")

          Always heading down a losing strait

          Dreaming that you're screaming at fate

          You're a dead end dead beat nowhere mister

          With a kiss like a Mississippi alligator's sister

Farley: I took as much of you as any man can!

          You've lost your heart

                    (ECHO: "You dropped the soap")

Brad: You've lost your cause
                   (forced ECHO: "Have you checked your car?")

Farley: You lost your baby when you lost your balls!

                    (AP: Throw 6 ping pong balls high into the air)

                    (NOTE: When you throw the ping pong balls into the path of the projection light, the strobe effect, when looking
                    uop at it, is simply amazing)

                    (SHOUT: "Aren't you glad we didn't throw babies?")

          You've lost your mind

          You've lost your grip

          So say bye-bye!

                    (SHOUT: "Bye-bye.") or

                    (SHOUT: "Okay, I love you, Bye Bye") or

                    (SHOUT: "It's a Laura Branigan video") or

                    (SHOUT: "It's the Menendez Brothers!")

Brad: We lost our Mom

          We lost our Dad

          And if I'm losing you

          Well that's too bad

                    (ECHO: "tough shit")

Farley: (pointing his finger like a gun) Well, the best thing you could ever do is die.

                    (SHOUT OVER: "It's Marcel Marceau")

(Scene switch to the Dentonvale Conference room table. Brad and Farley are sitting at opposite ends)

Brad: You're a failure

                    (SHOUT: "What?!")

                    (NOTE: "What?" should be yelled as though you can't hear him because he's sitting at the very FAR end of a
                    long table)

          A malformation in the guise of many and also ran

                    (SHOUT: "I can't hear you!")

Farley: And you're a weeper and a wailer

                    (SHOUT: "How does a one legged man walk?")

(Farley bounces one fingertip on the tabletop, forward)

          Always treading on the toes of the great

          Barely spreading your weight

                    (ECHO: "legs")

          You're a spiteful, hateful, asinine creature

                    (SHOUT: "From Uranus")

          A pupil with no scruples who knew better than the teacher

Brad: I took as much of you as any man can!

                    (SHOUT: "Get out of me!")

Farley: You've lost your heart

                    (SHOUT: "Have you looked under the bed?") or

                    (ECHO: "You dropped the soap")

Brad: You've lost your cause

Farley: You lost your baby when you lost your balls!

                    (AP: Throw 6 ping pong balls high into the air)

                    (SHOUT: "Alright, who threw the baby?!")

          You lost your mind when you lost your grip

          So say bye-bye!

                    (SHOUT: "Bye-bye." - "Everybody's bi")

Brad: We've lost our home

          Our family

          You've lost compassion

          Now you're losing me.

Farley: Well, the best thing you could ever do is die.

                    (SHOUT: "Let's rack him!")

                    (AP: Have someone run up to Brad and pretend to kick him)

Brad: (in high falsetto) Well, the best thing you could ever do is die.

(Scene shift back to the Faith Factory set. Farley is developing a severe facial tic)

Farley: Well, the best thing you could ever do is die.

          Take no notice of him!

                    (SHOUT: "Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain!")

          He's mad.

Brad: I'm as sane

                    (ECHO: "lame")

          as you are. Saner!

                    (ECHO: "lamer")

Cosmo: And he was only with us for one day!

                    (SHOUT: "Give a hand to Mr. Hand!") or

                    (SHOUT: "Thank you, Mr. Freeze")

(Camera pans to Ralph and Bert.)

Bert: They should be sent to the Danube at dawn.

                    (SHOUT: "Achtung baby")

Ralph: What?

                    (ECHO: "What?")

Bert: Just memories.

                    (SHOUT: "Oh")

Ralph: (to Farley quietly) We'll edit the tape.

                    (SHOUT: "Mr. Clinton") or

                    (SHOUT: "Mr. Nixon") or

                    (SHOUT: "Mr Bush")

          They'll never see everything.

                    (SHOUT: "Was it live or memorex?")

          (to audience) Um, I hope Mr. Flavors will accept apologies on behalf of all of Denton for this unfortunate
          incident. It seems everyone wants to be related to the great.

                    (SHOUT: "and powerful Oz") or

                    (SHOUT: "Space Coaster")

Farley: No offense. Offense? On the contrary.

                    (SHOUT: "The best offense is a good defense")

          This is a perfect example of what we are here to combat.

                    (SHOUT: "Gabba Gabba Wee - One of us, one of us")

(All eyes turn to Janet.)

                    (SHOUT: "So which is it, the asshole or the asshole?")

(After a brief moment, she reaches down and helps Brad to his feet.)

                    (SHOUT: "Ah, the asshole")

(Farley is shocked for a moment)

                    (SHOUT: "How do you have sex? In!")

(Farley starts chanting "Out", over and over.)

                    (AP: Shout "in" between each "out", faster and faster, until it's impossible to keep up. Then near the very end,
                    SHOUT: "Heeee's safe!")

                    (SHOUT: "This is the weirdest production of MacBeth")

(The audience helps out with the "out" chant, pointing toward the door each time. They catch on as do most of the people on stage. The
Cop comes and escorts Oliver, Betty, Brad and Janet into the research lab.)

          You see the way we got rid of that dirty little dish,

                    (SHOUT: "Did he say bitch?") or

                    (SHOUT: "…that ran away with the spoon")

          is the way we are going to put the rest of our house in order. Including the upstairs!

                    (SHOUT: "Oh shit, that's my room!") or

                    (SHOUT or ECHO: "Downstairs!")

(Audience cheers. Farley motions to Macy)

          Ah yes, yes, Miss, you, yes.

                    (SHOUT: "Miss You-yes?")

          Would you come up here please and help us to inaugurate the Farley Flavor's Faith Factory, transmitting from coast to coast and
          continent to continent? You are Miss…

                    (SHOUT: "-taken") or

                    (SHOUT: "-terious")

          uh, Miss…

                    (SHOUT: "-carriaged") or

                    (SHOUT: "-informed") or

                    (SHOUT: "-guided")

Macy: Macy. Macy Struthers.

                    (ECHO: "Slutters")

Farley: Macy

                    (ECHO: "Sally")

          Struthers!!!

                    (SHOUT: "Hey Betty, do Kojack")

Betty: Who loves you, Baby?

(Betty flips off Macy.)

                    (SHOUT: "There's my bird!") or

                    (SHOUT: "That's the chicken that stepped on his forehead") or

                    (SHOUT: "Hey, that bird does belong to her!")

(Camera goes to Emily and Harry who are clapping)

Emily: She let me down. She let us all down!

                    (SHOUT: "It's the Whiners!") or

                    (SHOUT: "Repunzel, Repunzel")

Harry: Shut up, Emily! And listen to a success story.

                    (SHOUT: "The life of Donald Trump")

Nation: This could be worse than the old series.

                    (SHOUT: "Good Times") or

                    (SHOUT: "Ellen")

Cosmo: In the old series we never had a convertible.

                    (SHOUT: "Ellen did lift her top once")

(Dangles keys)

Farley: And remember, sanity today is the springboard to the hygienic tomorrow.

(Farley kisses Macy.)

                    (SHOUT: "It's superglue!")

(Ralph frowns but keeps on clapping. Audience cheers)

          Now, will you follow me, down the DTV trail, to Dentonvale?

                    (ECHO: "Disney World") or

                    (SHOUT/sing: "Happy trails to you...") or

                    (SHOUT: "I want my DTV")

Audience: Dentonvale!!!

                    (SHOUT: "OH SHIT!!! NOT AGAIN!!!")

Farley: (to Macy) Thanks honey, they bought it. Now out of the way.

          (to audience) That's right!

(Scene switches to Neely)

Neely: I can't stand it.

                    (SHOUT: "Then sit down, bitch")

          Everything good always happens to other people.

                    (SHOUT: "Marcia Marcia Marcia")

(Audience members are being handed striped straight jackets)

                    (SHOUT: "Here's your Foot Locker uniforms, orientation in 10 minutes") or

                    (SHOUT: "Cocaine, get your cocaine!")

          And fast food giant Farley Flavors has just given Miss Mental Health

                    (SHOUT: "the finger")

          what can only be described as an official kiss of approval.

                    (ECHO: "piss off")

          And the crowd are loving it as they follow her down the Dentonvale trail.

(Brad sneaks up to the cop who has them held in a room. His gun is raised)

                    (SHOUT: "Hey, pull my trigger")

(Brad tries to grab the gun, but the cop turns and sees him)

(Brad points to the crowd)

Brad: (to the cop) Hey look, they're having a party.

                    (ECHO: "Look, there's a bloody glove in OJ's yard!") or

                    (ECHO: "Look, they're giving out free donuts!") or

                    (ECHO: "Look, they're giving out free enemas!")

(The cop looks, smiling, but then realizes Brad was just trying to divert his attention)

                    (SHOUT, childlike, speaking for Vance, the Cop: "Ohhh, you almost got me!")

(Vance is about to take off, because he sees Neely and her crew following thecrowd because they don't want to miss out on the action.
Just as he is about to leave, he shoves Brad into the office and shuts the door. He takes off after everyone else. Scene
shifts to inside the research lab)
 
 

(Song: "Anyhow Anyhow")
 
 

                    (SHOUT: "And now the Heidi Fleiss Anthem") or

                    (SHOUT: "Why do we watch Shock Treatment?")

Brad: Some people do it for compassion

Janet: Some people do it for the fashion

                    (ECHO: "Some people do it in their ass and")

Brad: Some people do it to be funny

                    (SHOUT: "And then there's Betty")

Janet: Some people do it for the money

                    (ECHO: "...with their honey") or

                    (ECHO: "…with a bunny")

Oliver: Some people do it for enslavement

                    (SHOUT: "It's Betty's Miracle Hairpin!") or

                    (SHOUT: "And for pain?")

Betty: Some people do it on the pavement

                    (SHOUT: "Hopscotch!")

(Betty unlocks the door with her hairpin)

                    (SHOUT: "in your")

Oliver: But...

(All four of them conga out of the office and dance towards the audience seats.)

All 4: We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow

                    (ECHO: "with a cow, with a cow")

          We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow

                    (ECHO: "With a cow, with a cow")

          We're gonna do it

          No matter how the wind is blowing

                    (ECHO: "...how the cow is mooing")

          We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow

                    (ECHO: "with a cow, with a cow")

          We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow

                    (ECHO: "with a cow, with a cow")

          We're gonna do it

          We just gotta keep going

                    (ECHO: "keep screwing") or

                    (SHOUT: "Like the energizer bunny")

                    (NOTE: In this next verse, whenever the couples kick twice, echo with their kicks: "Kick - Kick!")

Brad & Janet: Some people do it for each other

Betty & Oliver: Some people do it for their lover

                    (ECHO: "with their mother")

Brad & Janet: Some people do it for improvement

                    (SHOUT: "Home improvement")

Betty & Oliver: Some people do it for the movement

                    (ECHO: "for bowel movement")

Brad & Janet: Some people do it for enjoyment

                    (SHOUT: "and Betty?") or

                    (SHOUT: "and <fill in blank with fan name>?")

Betty & Oliver: Some people do it for employment

                    (SHOUT: "in your") or

                    (SHOUT: "Up somebody's")

Oliver: But...

(All four dance down the aisles to the stage to see Oscar Drill and the Bits waiting for them in and on the
convertible.)

                    (SHOUT/sing: "It's Greased Lightning!") or

                    (SHOUT: "It's the No-neck Shuffle!")

                    (NOTE: Repeat same echoes from first chorus)

All 4: We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow

          We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow

          We're gonna do it

          No matter how the wind is blowing

                    (SHOUT: "Blow me now, ask me how")

          We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow

          We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow

          We're gonna do it

          We just gotta keep going

(Scene shifts to the McKinley's office. Farley is standing on the desk and has just opened a bottle of champagne and is drinking a toast with
the Faith Factory cast and others. Cameras follow the audience, now clad in their straight jackets and Faith Factory hats, along the wall to
the Terminal Ward. They are singing)

                    (AP: When you see the audience in striped straightjackets, SHOUT: "Hi, welcome to Footlocker, can I help
                    you?")

Audience: Denton, Denton

                    (SHOUT: "Oh shit! The movie's started over again!")

          You've got no pretension

          You're where the heart is

          You're okay!

                    (SHOUT: "In Texas")

(Scene shows Cosmo's Office. Farley is standing on his desk, arms wide open, as his new friends surround him. We can see Macy being
spanked)

                    (SHOUT: "Macy likes a little spanking!")

          Denton, Denton

          I'd just like to mention

          You're the acceptable face

          Of the human race

          You're Denton, Denton USA!

(Scene shift back to the stage. The band has just pushed open the studio door)

                    (AP: Run to the screen and open the door)

                    (SHOUT: "Hey everybody! This is the way to leave Shock Treatment!")

(Betty has just jump-started the car with her hairpin.)

                    (SHOUT: "It's Betty and her Miracle Hairpin") or

                    (SHOUT: "Those years Betty spent in Harlem have paid off")

                    (NOTE: Repeat same echoes from first chorus of "Anyhow Anyhow")

All 4: We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow

          We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow

          We're gonna do it

          No matter how the wind is blowing

                    (SHOUT: "The answer is blowing in the wind")

          We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow

          We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow

          We're gonna do it

          We just gotta keep going

          We just gotta keep going

          We just gotta keep going

                    (SHOUT: "and going and going...")

(Brad, Janet, Oliver, Betty, and the band, all get into the car and drive off. The door closes behind them.)

Narrator: The sun never sets on those who ride into it

                    (ECHO: "The sun never rides into those who sit upon it")

                    (SHOUT: "What?")

All 4: We just gotta keep going

                    (SHOUT: "Oh") or

                    (SHOUT: "Badee, badee, that's all folks") or

                    (SHOUT: "Thank God that shit's over") then

                    (SHOUT: "Oh shit! There's more!")
 
 

CREDITS. (Song "Overture" repeats over credits)

(The following is a list of the credits for possible shout lines. The first section is the cast section, with photo accompaniment.)

(NOTE: Whenever a cast is acting, generally no lines are shouted during the credits, allowing cast members to take a bow for applause.)

Additional Ideas BRIAN THOMPSON

                    (SHOUT: "This stupid movie was Brian's idea?")

                    (SHOUT: "They came back for more?")

Musical Arrangements...by RICHARD HARTLEY

                    (SHOUT: "Wait a minute! I though Bert made all the arrangements!")

Choreography GILLIAN GREGORY

                    (SHOUT: "And the dancing was so great in this movie!")

JESSICA HARPER as Janet Majors

                    (SHOUT: "Look! Janet grew a black beard!")

CLIFF DE YOUNG as Farley Flavors

                    (SHOUT: "Hey, he's smokin' a joint!")

                    (SHOUT: "Coming soon to your local Baskin Robbins")

CLIFF DE YOUNG as Brad Majors

                    (SHOUT: "Cliff came twice!" - "Mommy, my shirt's too big!")

RICHARD O'BRIEN as Cosmo McKinley

                    (SHOUT: "I'm stoned, man!")

PATRICIA QUINN as Nation McKinley

                    (SHOUT: "It's Lucille Ball!")

CHARLES GRAY as Judge Oliver Wright

                    (SHOUT: "That man has no fucking neck")

                    (SHOUT: "The neck-less court is now in session")

RUBY WAX as Betty Hapschatt

                    (SHOUT: "One ringa-dingy, two ringa-dingies")

NELL CAMPBELL as Nurse Ansalong

                    (SHOUT: "That doesn't look like Nev Campbell")

RIK MAYALL as "Rest Home" Ricky

                    (SHOUT: "I'd like my sequel without mayo, please") or

                    (SHOUT in reference to the British TV series with Rick Mayall: "He's such a young one, isn't he?")

BARRY HUMPHRIES as Bert Schnick

                    (SHOUT: "Fuckin' pervert! Get Away from my window!") or

                    (SHOUT: "Dame it, Edna! I love you!")

DARLENE JOHNSON as Emily Weiss

                    (SHOUT: "I've sewn my fist to my jaw!")

HANNING REDWOOD as Harry Weiss

                    (SHOUT: "His pubic hairs are overgrown") or

                    (Beavis & Butthead SHOUT: "Heh heh, his wood is red")

WENDY RAEBECK as Macy Struthers and JEREMY NEWSON as Ralph Hapschatt

                    (SHOUT: "Come on! Pull our fingers!")

BETSY BRANTLEY...as Neely...

                    (SHOUT: "Quick, get a close-up of my eyeball")

CHRIS MALCALM as Vance Parker

                    (SHOUT: "Hey doc, I found this bird up my ass!")

RAY CHARLESON as Floor Manager

                    (SHOUT: "They promised me a big role!")

EUGENE LIPINSKI as Kirk

                    (SHOUT: "There's my urine sample!") or

                    (SHOUT: "How'd you like to have Lipstick as your last name?")

BARRY DEMEN as Irwin Lapsey

                    (SHOUT: "Has anyone seen my other arm?") or

                    (SHOUT: "He's a demon, man!")

IMOGEN GLAIR as Wardrobe Mistress

                    (SHOUT: "That's not Sue Blane!")

GARY SHAIL...as Oscar Drill & The Bits

                    (SHOUT: "What? We're last? Fuck you!")
 
 

SCROLLING CREDITS.

(The following credits pass by. I've only included the names with shout lines. The names are in parenthesis, and the shouts follow.)

(John Comfort) Quick, someone comfort John.

(Roger Simmons) Isn't that Richard's brother?

(Bob Smith) Talk about generic names.

(Andrew Sanders) Isn't that Adam Sandler's brother?

(Ellen Chenoweth) Ellen Chewbacca?

(Hugh Strain) Don't bother me, I'm having a huge strain.

(Dave Wintour/Mark Griffiths) Dave's spending the winter with Mark Griffith, Andy's brother.

(Ray Parsons) Ray's got Parson's desease. Don't worry, it'll pass.

(Len Huntingford) Len is hunting for Ford. He's in bed with Richard.

(Brian King) Brian King works at burger king.

(final credits come to a still)

No humans were harmed in the making of this film - only in the viewing of it.
 
 

NO MORE CREDITS, ONLY BLACK SCREEN.

(During this scene, "Shock Treatment" plays but there is no visual. Here are suggested lines to shout during this section)

Hey, what happened? It's Shock Treatment for blind people!

Go to the light, Carol Anne, and take a left.

What'd you think of Shock Treatment? I thought it was a real dark movie.

It's Shock Treatment and its all black cast.

This is Stevie Wonder's favorite scene.

Mine, too, but I've seen it before.

Let's face it, Mac, that basic black is coming back!

Bert just adores this color.

It's dark town after dark.

Hey, who's touching me?

I'm not touching you, I'm not touching you.

Hey up front, move out of the way, I can't see!
 
 

SCREEN IS BLACK, SONG HAS ENDED: SILENCE.

                    (SHOUT: "Hey, it's Shock Treatment for Blind and Deaf people!")
 



 

The End

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